New here - My breakup and how i am dealing.

[hgroog]

First off. Hello. Nice to meet you all. I appreciate a forum like this, I dont usually tell people my problems but its been really bad as of late. I dont want to use my name here. Funny story is that my ex also posted here a few times in the past. He's had a lot of lady troubles and even one who posted here as well! (she stalked me too)

 

Sadly, its been a rough few weeks for me. So here goes...

 

 

A week ago, my fiance of 3 yrs (7 mos engaged) left me. Supposedly because of our fighting but now he’s with another woman. he has denied this but still won’t confirm it (though its more than obvious) that they are together. this woman is a coworker who sits right next to me too. (yes, him and I work together) I’m shattered because I knew they were friends and I expressed my being uncomfortable with his relationship with her. But he shrugged it off as just being friendly. She used to buy him lunch and they would text often. He jokingly talked about her looking too much like a man, unless this is typical crushing behavior then it was difficult to believe anything was really going on.

 

When it all started a month ago. He disappeard one night and didnt call. He usually just goes home to sleep after work but at least texts me or tell his mom where he is. But he didn’t this time. The next day his mom called me crying and asking where he was. I ended up looking all over for him and he was at a male friends house. No biggie, he was tired and stayed over at the guys house. They got drunk I guess? Who knows. Point is, I found out much later that she was there (she hung out with him and that guy a lot) and he didnt tell me cause he knew I would get mad…or so he said.

 

That evening, we went out. He seemed okay. But he said things that made me angry. He had been working out a lot lately and said “don’t be alarmed if girls start chasing me. I have a lot of charm.” How was I supposed to react to him telling me this? I got mad because I was already uncomfortable with his friendship with that woman and my reaction was too much for him.

 

We argued a lot. Mostly about him being a jerk to me or me forgetting small details of things. He seemed okay after we made up but the next day. He wanted a break. He said that he had been thinking for a long time and that we fought too much and he needed to have some time to himself. He asked for 2 months. I couldn’t believe it. 2 months is time to move on, I told him. He gave me lot of grief about this. How i needed time to grow and so did he. But it didn’t make sense. We were engaged (no date set, thankfully) and I was and was and still am in love with this guy, so I couldnt believe what was going on.

 

A week later there was a party. He went (I never was invited to go) and came back to work the next day, wearing her T-shirt. I was in disbelief. I got mad again. He seemed sad about this? How else should I react to his behavior? Its unbelievable.

 

He still talked to me after that, though not as much. He offered to shorten the break to, 2 weeks. I still couldnt believe it was happening. I pestered him a lot and he wouldnt tell me what was going through his head. He stopped saying I love yous and calling me Babe and just distanced himself, which is what ppl do in this situation I guess.

 

Then it went downhill. We argued a lot more because I had told him. “taking a break = moving on” (in most cases) and that I loved him enough, I said I would wait for him. 2 weeks later, I found out he took a woman out to dinner. This hurt me because here he was, telling me he wanted to make things work and then taking this woman out to “discuss their feelings”. I was shocked and appalled. Wasn’t this guy supposed to be my future husband? I didn’t understand. He told me things like “shes too broken, but I dunno maybe if you & I werent together” I didn’t understand his thinking so I let it go.

 

A few days passed. he called me for the last time on wednesday of last week and told me he loved and missed me and that he hoped it would work out. I didn’t hear from him again. When I confronted him two days later, he said it was over. He wanted nothing more from me and that we “had tried everything”.

 

The funny thing is, It was mostly me trying to keep in contact and trying to make things work. He never tried to talk to me about anything and if he did, he would tell me how much of a bad girlfriend I was, and how I didnt wear the ring (it kept falling off. I was losing weigh alot but its not excuse) and how when we would fight & he threatend to leave and I would reply “go ahead? if you want to”. like I was supposed to sit there and beg for him to stay? He would say things about my anger towards him. Which is unfair to me. He had said countless things to me that made me feel sad or angry and I always forgave him. In the end, he tried to make it my fault. I've wrote him letters and tried to make him understand that I wasn't missing him because he was already gone. I truly loved him to the fullest and all he did was just leave.

 

A few days after that, we werent talking. He didn’t tell him he was with her but I was already starting to see it happening. So i tried to keep my distance. He tried talking to me again, to see whats up or whatever. To try make small talk and he expressed to me that he wanted to stay friends. but I told him no. I told him I couldnt be friends with him, not right away or even at all. I told him leave me alone and let me heal. He agreed and said he would wait for me to come back and be friend. Then the next night, he started bugging me again, like he was completely oblvious to the situation. I told him to leave me alone. He said “people break up all the time!” & “dont worry you will find someone else” nonchalantly and patted me on the back. I was almost as if he just didnt care anymore. What kind of relationship did he think we had?

 

Flash forward to tonight. I snapped. I couldnt hold back my anger and despair and I confronted them. They always took lunch breaks together and she was often very quiet since everything started so I knew something was up. I called her a vulcher and said, it wasn;t right was she was doing. She knew I was engaged to him, but she still went to him. (she was in a 6 yr relationship until a few months ago, so he kept talking alot through then) told him he was an awful person. “Why her? Why her of all people”. And all He kept telling me he was going to Human Resources. That was the only thing then, They turned their backs to me when I was talking to them and left together.

 

I went about it the wrong way. I know saying the things I said wouldnt help the situation. But I was mad and angry that he never told me what was going on with her. There was only one time he could have said it but he blew me off for some unknown reason. (It was his idea to get together too!)

 

Despite his actions, he would send texts to his brother saying he was depressed and confused. (he would tell this to our supervisor as well) So I just dont know what is going on. Is he with her or not? Does he even love me anymore? What the heck is happening and why is it happening to me?

 

My supervisor knows whats going on, but due to confidentiality, she wont tell me. She says that I already assume they are together, so shouldnt I take that as a sign to move on? I dont want to believe they are together, maybe because I want my chance back? am I in denial?

 

Tonight when I got home. I called his brothers gf. Shes one of my best friends & has been my biggest support throughout this entire situatuon. And while we were talking he text me and said that, my wellbeing was his priority and that he would never go to HR, ever. I told him that if my wellbeing was so important why did he choose to leave me and why isnt he still with me? If he loved me, he would stay and work it out. I can’t be friends with someone I used to love. It doesnt work like that for me. Especially if I am still currently in love with them, I can’t sit back and watch him slip into some other girls arms. (especially one I hate!)

 

At least he had the decency to text me if I got hime okay. And when I said sorry, he said. “dont be. Its how you feel”. (probably the nicest thing he’s said in the past few weeks)

 

I know my only option is to move on. I hate moving on. I have loved so much in my life and most of that love was never returned. I’m an ugly duckling. Guys who like me are few, far in and between. So its really hard to meet guys without having to see them cringe. (im serious) and I had a previous relationship end this way but I wasn’t inlove with him like I am with this guy. I didnt share as much as we had shared. I wanted to marry this guy and hopefully have his children. But the only thing I have now is myself. I’m alone again. I have to start over with who ever I find again. I just dont want to do it anymore. Im tired of looking. I found him and I wanted to stick with him. Is it fair that I wanted to make it work out? He seemed sure it would too at one point. He was a really great guy despite how he was jerk sometimes. I knew more things about him than he knew about himself. He always said it was the small things that mattered to him, but I couldnt figure it out I guess.

 

I couldnt get the job done. I couldn’t be the woman he wanted me to be. we have little in common and he even told me he liked that about me (but this new woman, is exactly like him, so who knows) I have no idea what to do or believe or just…whatever. I’m lost and broken and I have to pick up the pieces. (its hard enough having to work with them, and see her smile when they talk. but I have to stay strong)

 

I dont have a lot of friends. Most of them have ditched me and I never went to college so I couldnt actually meet people. I can’t make friends for some reason. People stear clear of me? Im completely alone all day until I get to work and then after. The people that matter the most to me have lived too far so I can’t see them everyday. and I sure as hell dont want to spend a lot of time with my mom. (my phone is dead since the breakup, No more texts and constant noises. I cant even look at the pictures of him on it)

 

I need to find peace some how? I feel abandoned and just plain awful. I've considered therapy because I can't stop crying and Im just hurting so much. My world revolved around him. I have never felt as lost and broken in my entire life.

[The Man Who]

Wow, long read there but you've covered a lot, about yourself and the relationship there.

 

There's a few points here, I'll admit they might not be what you want to here but logically I think you could understand. I can tell right off the bat that your not a confident lady and that there are insecurities that you have about yourself. Your ex is with another woman now so it really is the perfect time to work on you only and focus on improving yourself.

 

You talked a lot about the things you don't have but why don't you flip that around and focus positively on the things you do have going for you in your life. It's easier said than done but if you focus solely on negatives then that's what exactly you'll attract to you.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself, you CAN make new friends, you are setting yourself up for failure though by using words like "can't", why not readjust and think positively and believe that you "can" make friends and you "can" have a better life without your ex. In all seriousness as well, he doesn't seem like a great catch at all, I get the feeling you settled with him because of how little you actually value yourself and because he gave you attention which you seemingly don't get a lot.

 

I'd probably recommend speaking to a therapist - I can only give you my own advice but you need to work on ridding yourself of insecurities and your low self esteem/value as you'll never attract a good person for you if you constantly think so little of yourself. Think about it like this, how has it worked for you in life feeling so little about yourself up until this point? Would you not like to feel the exact opposite of how you feel now? Think and believe you are an awesome person who deserves awesome things happening in her life and I'll bet you'll feel better about yourself. All it takes is a mental re-adjustment and the positivity can start flowing through you

[hgroog]

hi. Thanks for your reply. Sorry it was long. i just started typing everything from memory.

 

I understand what you mean. I am not normally a debbie downer like this. I take a lot of time to prep myelf and make myself look pretty. so its difficult to wonder why I have all these insecurities.I was heavily teased as a child and I had seen a therapist for a short time back then, but I was small and didnt understand why I was being told I was different and ugly etc. Parents didnt know how to deal with this thing. Bullying was sort of ignored at school back then.

 

I have a lot to be thankful for. My health, my job, my family. but Relationships are something I could never figure out. I know how to flirt, I know how to be confident around them so why are guys not responding to that? I stayed away from guys for 4 years before i met him, and he was the type of guy who "gave me the world" and spoiled me. so I guess Im kind of feeling that seperation anxiety that comes with someone leaving? some times its hard to believe that someone else can do the same things he does. Every guy is different. (my last guy was broke and I did all the pamphering!) I got so used to being with him, that i let myself get attached too easily. Even before we were engaged possibly. (ironically enough, a lot of girls he's dated were not really that pretty and seemed to have the same insecurities, including this new one. and he's always left them)

 

I know I deserve better. Its just finding that "better" is difficult. I loved this guy. We shared a lot. He asked me to marry him. He became unhappy and instead of talking and trying to fix it, he disappeared. My problem is that people just walk away from me, & I have to figure out why. Then i can move forward and try again and not make that mistake. (it would help to know that I am 27 and he is 25. I've never dated someone my own age. my mentality has always been of a younger person so I identify better with the younger age group)

 

 

I did work hard to save a relationship with this guy and after all I said and could have done, I failed at trying to win him back. Thats why I am feeling so down. I failed at being professional at work, and Im embarrassed. He never talked to me about anything that was going on (except that if anything happens with her, he would let me know --this was last friday) so the fact that it all happened so quickly, Im having difficulty adjusting to.

 

Its hard that I can't easily distance myself from this guy too. I know if i didnt have to see his face every day, I would probably be a lot better. (it also didnt help that he instigated a lot of things from me, when I firmly told him to go away) I am trying to change shifts (not because of him entirely) and trying to find new things to do with myself to help me grow. i am taking the steps to be better person, just whether or not its going to work out is what Im afraid of.

 

i am seeking a therapist right now. I want to be positive and happy and enjoy my life. I work hard everyday and make enough money. i have enough to go back to school and start a knew life. I want to do it. I know I can do it and I let myself get into a funk after all this. I want all the pain to go away and let me be happy again.

 

Thankyou again. i know you arent a professional but i still value your input none the less.

[charity]

ok this may be harsh but it sounds like he is done. whether he is with her or not , it doesn't even matter. it feels like it does but it really doesn't. thats just ego talking. he is just done. the things he has said to you show that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. although i think he does 'care' and values what you HAD together.

 

you do come accross as someone who doesn't value herself a lot. you are chasing him and looking for another chance when other women wouldn't even look back in his direction. look when a guy or anyone says they don't want you- believe them and try and accept that. at this time you are not accepting that and you have given him all the power. take ir back. start your healing now girl. i know that it is hard, trust me i know..... but it is the only thing you can do in this situation. otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and HR will be involved and god knows what else.

[feenyx]

My ex-husband abandoned me, and I had a lot of the same feelings you are having here. I tried to be proactive by confronting him, but it only resulted in grief. I hate to say it, but I started to believe that it was useless to talk anymore when to me it was clear that he didn't care. I suddenly realized that I had been with a world-class jerk. I wanted NC but couldn't because if the divorce...eventually I had no power because he denied me any respect. I paid for the divorce on my meager student's salary because I was desperate to be rid of him.

 

It took time and therapy for me to let that go. I stopped talking about him altogether once I realized how it looked on another person...my next ex talked about his ex all the time. It made me feel cruddy so I kept my thoughts of my ex to myself. The memories eventually started to fade and I felt good because I knew I was going to bigger and better places than my ex-husband.

 

Now I know nothing about either ex. I used to FB stalk and go on Myspace wondering what they were up to. Eventually I stopped because not knowing made me move on better. NC is great advice if you could afford to. I understand that being committed usually means shared assets. But once that's dealt with the healing is much better.

 

They'll have weaknesses too and try to take back their words. Or they may never apologize. I have nothing to feel sorry about because I feel good and awesome about my life now. I appreciate the small things and love myself better after the storm. That was worth the struggle IMHO.

[hgroog]

Charity- Thankyou for your reply

 

I felt sad and embarrassed after what I did (they didnt report me to HR, but someone else did. So now there is an investigation looming) though I apologized to him, I dont really regret it though. He needed to hear what I had to say. He ignored me for too long and he knew it was going to blow up if we didnt confront eachother. I didnt like that he told me I should apologize to his gf and tell her "good luck" (I only see that this is an attack on me but I didnt do it) but I told him to take it easy and maybe some day we can be friends. I know this is what he wanted the most out of all this too. He said good bye to me when I left for the night (he voluntarily waved, with a calm look on his face) and it made me feel good. He's done alot for me i my life, and I can't just cut him out because truth be told, We can probably have a decent friendship in time. I am accepting that he is gone for good. Just slowly. When I wrote all that I was in a burst of emotion. when I spoke with him today, he told me everything I needed to hear. He didn't leave me because of her, the relationship was going sour. I just didn't want to believe it. He just moved on and the thing with her "just happened". (He has issues, as I can see, and I feel better knowing this happened before I married him) So now even tho I am sad, I know I can move on easier knowing this. Every day gets easier but sometimes I fall into a funk. I'm only human. I am trying my best.

 

I do value myself. I only have one life and sometimes I have to take risks to make people understand how I feel. I hate being ignored, but I needed this closure to help me move on.

 

I wont know what will happen to me at work for another 2 weeks. I did receive my shift change so, that might be the deal breaker on what consequence I will have. (its seriously not like I cussed them out. but I called her a volcher lol ) I was scared at first but I shouldn't be afraid to get fired. I hate that place and honestly I have too many memories there. Its time to leave anyway. The work I do is actually easy for me to find another job. So I think I will be okay.

 

 

Feenyx-

You are a brave woman. You have so much strength in you. I truly admire you. I am also going to start therapy and focus completely on healing myself. I hope I can be as strong as you have been. Thankyou for sharing your story.

[hgroog]

So I just wanted to post this here. He texted me on his own today and to apologize for it not working out. (said he will take the blame for my outburst, which I appreciate though I'm not worried about that anymore) also That he never wanted to leave me for her and had no intention to? I find that hard to believe since he took her out to dinner a week before he dropped me like a hat. Also that since we had not been together for a long time, according to him (it was 3weeks!?) so he thought about everything and all the "mistakes" and decided to move on. And she just so happened to be waiting Im guessing. Great for him! Now I'm so angry, I deleted the messages. I have had no contact with him other than work. I can not believe it took him less than a month to get over a fiance and 3 yrs together. But I guess whats done is done. He is a serial dater and cheater it seems. Those kinds dont really change. (saying this now because looking back, I found a couple of strands of LONG HAIR that matches hers in his car and on his coat about a month before all this happened. I should have done the math!)

 

I thought about a lot of things he did to me, all the pain and sadness (and I will spare most of you the drama) but he really wasn't that great of a guy in the end. I deserve so much better than this so now I am going to pick up the pieces and move on. He's not the end of the world. He's not the ONLY guy in the world either. I just have to start believing it.