Jealousy. Betrayal. Help.

[pebbles111]

It's been 2 and a half months break up. I've been feeling the loss of my ex alot this week, grieving. Remembering the much better, really lovely times we spent together.

Then this evening, suddenly a sense of huge betrayal and jealousy hit me bigger than it has before. He was unfaithful to me - unfaithful in that I know he spent time with someone without telling me - to the point of meeting up for dates, and travelling abroad to see her. He told me alot of lies. I learned what I know, after we broke up. Yet he still refused to admit he even knows her. He's called me 'mad' and has been very unpleasant about it, aggressively denying everything. The thing is now I DO feel like I'm going crazy. Crazy for being on the net researching details about someone I don't even know (the girl -who's also attractive, slim and younger than the both of us), and who probably doesn't even know I exist.

I know the obvious advice is, forget about him / he's not worth it etc. But this evening I've been scared by the strength of my emotions - crying, tight chest and yelling like I have not done in a long time (because I visualised them meeting up for a meal, on a particular night he told me he was at a male friend's house). I'm consciously not trying to 'torture' myself, the image appeared in my mind really rapidly. I've not been cheated on before (I am 99% sure), and the sense of betrayal is hitting me hard. I've had irrational, vengeful thoughts of contacting the girl with a 'warning' about him - and it remains a thought, I can't imagine that I could do that. I am in shock.

I am dreading work tomorrow, I have a demanding, people-based job and there's nowhere to hide. I feel like I am zombie at work, and can suddenly feel tearful and have to run off somewhere, or just suck it up as quickly as possible. I let it all out when I get home.

I think I had started the path to processing the sense of loss, ie. grieving (I have known him for 10 years, though we were in a relationship for 21 months).

But the shock of betrayal and jealousy, are where I really need help. Does anyone have any experience or suggestions for coping with this?

[woodsrose10]

Take a deep breath. This is paranoia in the making.

 

I know it hurts that he cheated, & even though you didn't find out until now, it doesn't seem to matter that ignorance is bliss. But the truth is, it does happen, and it happens to a lot of people. You are not alone. Many people have experienced being cheated on & have pulled through. You can, too.

 

Have you been considering talking to a counselor about this? A professional can help probably a lot more than we could.

[RockinReynolds]

The obsession you feel is unbearable. Especially imagining them together. Wishing you'd never looked at her photo, but now you just can't seem to stop the obsession. I went as far as calling a psychic hotline, isolating for days, drinking and the depression got worse, not better. I could not see a way out. No one seemed to understand what I was going through. People just told me, he's just a guy. Blah Blah Blah....

 

When normal people break-up they grieve and move on. But those of us who are co-dependent, feel like something has been ripped from our soul physically. And we do anything to figure out how to get that piece of us back together again.

 

What helped me most was talking about it to someone co-dependent like myself. Someone that could understand my crazy and guide me through the healing process at a level I could understand.

 

The first step would be journalism your feelings. Write down everything from the beginning. This removes a lot of anger. The next step is asking yourself if you're willing to get help to try and heal from this situation.

 

Happiness comes from within. But finding it on your own can be difficult, if that makes sense. People need to be around people that share the same experiences and have recovered from those. Those people are available if you're willing to find them.

 

The link below is for Co-dependents in your area that you can meet with and talk to. Help and Recovery is here. PM me if you need to talk about anything.

 

codaDOTorg

[lavenderdove]

I'm sorry to say that liars have no shame.. their goal is not to be caring and truthful and respectful of others, but to get their own way and do what is easiest/best for themselves (or what they think will be best).

 

I had a long term BF who moved because he got transferred cross country for work, and who met someone there and even married her but just kept coming to my town and carrying on with me like nothing had changed. He travelled a lot for business, so could cover up where he was/what he was doing with both me and his wife. When i uncovered his marriage, he tried to lie and pretend he wasn't married, spinning lie upon lie to try to lie his way out of me dumping him even when i started presenting him with concrete evidence of their marriage... so most people who will lie and live double lives like this are just incredibly selfish and manipulative people who just spin reality to suit themselves, because they think of themselves first, and will go down in flames rather than admit something they think will cause them a loss or get themselves in trouble somehow.

 

The anger and jealousy are just a part of healing... you will cycle thru some intense emotions because you had an intense betrayal. You honestly won't feel this badly forever, though it will just take a while to heal, just as a broken bone doesn't heal overnight. The best advice i can give you is to just take some time everyday to sit with your emotions, but also eliminate any fantasies you had about him because the reality is he's a rat if he was living a double life with you and someone else. Try not to spend too much time remembering the 'good' times, because it is a waste of time since with someone as false as that, it was really just an illusion because he may have been good in some ways, but he was just impossible in others if he is a liar and a cheater, and NO ONE will ever be happy with someone like that in the long run. He and his new woman will enjoy a little good times as you did, but eventually he'll get bored and chase after someone new. So what you're really jealous of is a FANTASY of what you wanted or thought he was, not who he really is. He'll never be the loving and faithful partner you need because that just isn't who he is, obviously.

 

If he is a big liar, i think calling this girl and telling her would just result in him saying you are a vengeful or crazy ex... if he's lying to you, he's lying to her too! if she is still in the 'honeymoon' phase with him, she'll believe anything he tells her, so i think you'd waste your breath by trying to warn her.

 

Also google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to try to keep him out of your head when you need to so that you can work and function. Set aside a certain amount of time per day to think of him, but make it less and less time as time goes on. The wound is fresh now, but you WILL get better and be strong in future. You've just had a bad emotional blow, so just try to be kind to yourself and not dwell on it too much or you'll just get stuck in the grieving. Get some DVDs or good books, anything to take your mind off it rather than constantly obsessing about it. You can't change him and turn him into a loving and faithful partner since he's basically a lying cheater and a rat, so don't waste too much more of your life obsessing about him. It will pass, and you won't feel this way forever, so don't worry about that, it will get better.