StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 He initiated contact last night for the second time in almost three months since the breakup. Him: "What's going on?" Me: "Not much, what's up?" Him felt like seeing you, I don't know" Me: "Ok" Him: "And Splash, of course" (my dog) Me: "Hehe she knows new tricks" Him: "Why am I not surprised?" (I'm a dog trainer) Me: " Him: "Anyhow, I'm going to be coming back to town in a little while to spend a few days with my family for my father's and my birthday. If you're around I was thinking it'd be nice to do lunch or something, provided you're okay with it and available." Me: "If I'm available" Him: "I understand if you're hesitant" Him: "I won't bug you about it anymore" Me: "You did say you'd understand if I were hesitant" Him: "Right, and if you're hesitant I don't think it's a good idea to see one another no matter what I may want." Him: "My favorite shirt has just had you on my mind a lot these days" Me: "I can't imagine why" Him: "Are you being sarcastic?" Me: "No, haha. Texts are not the best medium for communication" Him: "If you're not being sarcastic, than why the haha?" Me: "Because I thought it might be taken that way" Him: "Well I guess I don't understand why you can't imagine why, unless you just want to hear good things about yourself" Me: "I didn't mean to come off as if I were fishing for compliments" Him: "Right. Well I guess I'll let you be. You know how to reach me if you change your mind" Sorry for the long post. I didn't want to leave anything out. Was I being too difficult? Too coy? Too distant? Of course I want to see him but I'm terrified. I wanted him to fight for it a little bit, not this 'I want to see you but oh I don't know' bullsh*t. And I guess he did fight for it a little bit with the 'reach me if you change your mind.' I don't know.... What do you guys think? Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 You've got too much emotion still attached to it --- if the breakup w/ 3 months ago. If you're terrified, it will come accross. You cannot make someone else fight for something...so, yes --- you cam accross distant and coy at the same time. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I wanted to come off distant and coy. But not too distant. I just wanted him to show some real effort if he really wants to see me for a good reason. I'm not interested in seeing him if it's going to make this whole process worse. If he's interested in possibly starting something up again I may be more willing to see him. So I don't know what to do. I want to see him. I've seen exs after the breakup, I was terrified, but I was able to play it off well. I usually relax once I get there, it's the anticipation that gets to me. What do I do now? Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 He thinks you said "no". Read your last line. If you think you can handle it, go for it. But he sounds like he is just "checking in" -- -status update if you will. There is nothing in that exchange that reads --- -breaking up was a mistake. If that is what you are looking for, pass. If someone wants to get back w/ you, their intention would be much clearer. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 That's what I thought. Thank you for the confirmation. I needed someone from the outside to see it more clearly than I can. Now here's the dilemma: I really want to see him. But it may be a terrible idea. I have a tendency to do whatever I want and screw the consequences so I don't trust myself here. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Wait until you don't care if you see him or not. Certainly not around the holidays. Right now it is a terrible idea. Set a date -- like Jan 15th and evaluate how you feel then. Emotions still to close to the top. When my bf and I were split (we have reconciled), he pulled into my house around the 2 month mark to get something out of the garage. I thought my heart would beat out of my chest-----an I realized I was in no way ready to "see" him. Another 2 months passed w/ nc (total nc) and I got a call from him. He said he needed to come over, needed to talk to me. Spent 3 hrs. apologizing. I am not saying that this will happen for you -- what I'm saying is that you have to be mentally stable in order to deal w/ an ex. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I wanted to come off distant and coy. But not too distant. I just wanted him to show some real effort if he really wants to see me for a good reason. I'm not interested in seeing him if it's going to make this whole process worse. If he's interested in possibly starting something up again I may be more willing to see him. So I don't know what to do. I want to see him. I've seen exs after the breakup, I was terrified, but I was able to play it off well. I usually relax once I get there, it's the anticipation that gets to me. What do I do now? I think this convo illustrates why texting is such a bad idea and why texting with a goal to appear like something you are not is an even worse idea - acting normal would have probably been a lot better in this case, since your texting devolved into just talking about the texts as opposed to furthering any real communication between you two. Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 No..he made you defend yourself, because he didnt like that you werent immediately throwing hoops at the sight of seeing him. So to detach himself again, he has now thrown the ball in your court again. But he broke off with YOU. The ball can be in his court a little longer you know if he's any serious. And why text? The man should have called in my book that is.... I dont like the..* i m in town visiting relatives bit' either..who cares. It shouldnt matter. If he would have been serious in any way he wouldnt be about slaying two flies at one go or three.. It wouldnt matter.. and don't know if its wise to meet him on his birthday. Why spend that day with him as an ex?..no.. I dont want to be negative but to me he was checking if some sideaction might be on the table as well besides going for a 'boring' familyvisit you know.. Leave him be.... Link to comment
loulou37 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I see it differently...looks like him that's got the problem, you come off friendly and he read it wrong, he seems like the one with too much emotional attachment! loulou x Link to comment
DN Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 You were playing games. If you want to see him you should have said "Yes". If you didn't want to see him you should have said "No". If you still want to see him, phone or text and say so. But don't try and make him 'fight for you' because that is totally counter-productive and doesn't serve you. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I don't think you're game playing, you are wary of his intentions...and rightly so... loulou x Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I definitely over-thought my responses. Oh well. Can't go back. I agree he probably wants to see me to see if I'm seeing someone else, if I'm really happy/doing well, etc.. I'm not sure if I see anything wrong with that. I do see everyone's point about if I'm too emotionally attached right now it's not a good time. But why? Is it because it will set me back or because I will act differently if I were to see him now as opposed to later? I think I would act just fine, my only worry is that it could set me back if this thing is indeed really dead. Link to comment
DN Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Don't assume anything. You don't know why he wants to see you and neither you nor anyone else can guess. So why not ask him? You are making the simple complicated. I do recognise that it isn't necessarily easy but it is simple and there is no need to complicate it. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Yes. DN. You are right. I am definitely making this too complicated. I have been trying to not assume I know anything about his motivations. That's why I'm so hesitant. I don't know his motivations. Thus the playing games on my part, instead of just asking him outright. I do want to see him. I've decided I'm going to tell him it'd be nice to see him and to let me know when he plans on coming through town. Oh, btw, the reason he has to kill two birds with one stone (coming to town to visit family & see me) is because he is a student and just doesn't have money for gas. We used to live together sooo it wasn't a problem back then but right after we broke up, I left and moved 2 hours away. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 He's doing typical dumper behavior.....sniffing around after a period of NC. Something about that line of "if you're hesitant, we shouldn't meet up" let's me know he's not thinking reconcilitation. He's just curious about what you're up to. Also there is an air of arrogance in his replies that I don't like.......but I could be wrong. Oh...Orange Moon's post sums it up pretty good. Link to comment
nyckid33 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 You never know what their true intentions are. I know with one of my previous exs she text me saying that she would like to see me etc. I thought she was just playing around with my emotions, but despite what people told me I met up with her. Sure enough she did want to get back together so we did. So If I would have kept declining her then we would have never gotten back together. I suggest you meet up with him if you want him back, or are looking to reunite. If his intentions are otherwise then you will know when you meet up. But you never know so just go for it! Link to comment
FrenchFries Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 He's doing typical dumper behavior.....sniffing around after a period of NC. Something about that line of "if you're hesitant, we shouldn't meet up" let's me know he's not thinking reconcilitation. He's just curious about what you're up to. Also there is an air of arrogance in his replies that I don't like.......but I could be wrong. Oh...Orange Moon's post sums it up pretty good. This is a good point and also a possibility, but only he knows. It sounds like maybe he just wants to catch up or maybe is feeling some guilt about the breakup and trying to ease his conscience by seeing if you are doing okay. As hard as it is I agree with DN - don't play games. If you want to see him then do so, but don't get yourself all worked up about it and be prepared to go back to NC when it's over. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I plan on seeing him. I sent him a text: 'It would be nice to see you. Let me know when you're coming to town.' He hasn't responded I agree I need to be very aware that I am not playing games and keep my head. I am prepared to go back to NC after we meet up. I have no idea what he is thinking but from his texts I am inclined to believe he is just 'checking in.' Link to comment
lanaa Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 you should say "i am not sure if i will have time,i will contact you about it" and then think about it,if you want it..if yes contact him and get a meeting Link to comment
DN Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 you should say "i am not sure if i will have time,i will contact you about it" and then think about it,if you want it..if yes contact him and get a meetingWith respect, this is exactly the game-playing that should be avoided at all costs. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Background info: Where I live now is on his way to his parents house - about an hour away. I sent him: 'It would be nice to see you. Let me know when you're coming to town.' Him: 'I will be driving out on the 19th and probably won't be able to stop on the way there. I'm probably going to stay until the 23rd/24th and was thinking we could do lunch or dinner on my way back' Him: 'Also, you ought to check out 'A Walk' by Tycho... I've been listening to it with high frequency these days.' Me: 'Tycho is one of my favorite bands' I didn't respond to the 'plans' text because there is nothing to say. When he's free, he'll let me know. If I happen to also be free, we'll get together. The 23rd and the 24th are a Friday & Saturday before Christmas. Weird he would be going back to his college town before the end of the break and before Christmas. His family doesn't celebrate Christmas but still, I would think he would spend his whole break with them. Link to comment
DN Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Of course you should respond. Tell him to give you a call to see if something can be set up if convenient for both of you. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 That's a good idea. It's three weeks in the future though. Seems like it may be difficult to make plans right now but I'll suggest he calls to make plans. Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I feel foolish posting every text, lol... but here's the last one: Me looked at my schedule and I'm pretty open on both the 23rd and 24th due to Christmas. No work, etc. When you have a better idea of your schedule feel free to call to solidify plans." Link to comment
StrwberryWine Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 I texted him this morning. I told him I'm not ready to see him yet, and I was sorry for changing my mind. I'm so scared. I feel so depressed now. I want to see him so badly and I guess that's exactly why I shouldn't ;( Link to comment
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