jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 HAPPY ANNIVERSARY Well today marks a monsterous milestone, a feat in which I never ever thought I'd achieve. Back then life looked bleak, looked dark and miserable like a cold january morning, all I wanted to do was pull the sheets over my face, stay in the warmth, the comfort of my world, but the sheets were wripped from my clasp and all I had left was my naked soul. 1 year ago, I remember it so well, like it only happened 5 minutes ago. At 20 past 10 tonight, I rolled up outside my home in car, womdering why my living room light was still on. My ex, waiting on the sofa as I walked through the door, nervous, but ready to drop me the rope in which I'd end up hanging myself with. "It's over" she whispered gently as she fought back her tears. BOOOOOOM.....at first it didn't hit me, she had spent that evening while I was working, moving her things quietly into the spare room, probably just after she put our 18 month old son to bed. I look back to the months leading up to that moment, there were signs, but I was blind. I was busy trying to work my skin to the bone to pay our bills.....but there was my rope, I had struggled so hard and got deeper into financial crisis, and she had enough......we didn't function properly any longer......instead of talking through our problems.......we swept them under the carpet until the carpet wripped at the seams and flooded our lives with trouble from which there was no escape. I have spent this last year in tears, in anger, in shock, in fear....in all sorts of ups and downs, it's been the rollercoaster of a lifetime.....from the "hi daddy I love you messages" she would send me when I moved out of our home, to the angry messages I would get from her when I cut contact with her, all the mixed signals and emotional rape that stunted my healing from this horrific nightmere....wow......what a year. I spent last christmas day, on my knees, hugging my boy in floods of tears, as I wondered how???? how god how???? I spent weeks begging and even, oh dear lord, I even stripped infront of her and told her I would stand there baring all I that I am...nothing more or less...please...please please don't do this....but she had made up her mind.....3 months after break up.....the hammer blow....."I am seeing someone else". From that moment I started my healing.....an icy road from which I walked barefoot in the cold, each step at a time feeling every ounce of pain rushing to my heart like tsunami's of bloody rivers flooding the banks. I have felt every minute of hurt, anger, regret, sorrow, I have a constant reminder of my wound in the face of my now 2 year old son....from which I have 8 n half years of memories with his mother. I have dated 3 women in the last year, the first just after she told me she was seeing someone, ended as she was just a friend, the second began in april when I met her on a stag weekend, I went to see her again after that weekend but nothing came of it.....I was searching so hard to replace the hole in my heart.....in august my lad turned two...contact with my ex was minimal.....she would text every now and again about trivial stuff about my lad....stuff that didn't make sense to me....I asked her to never text me again, as the fear I now had of her messages....I told her if she ever wanted to talk about our son to phone me so we could speak like humans...... In july I met someone.....she was very special but the r/s went off like a raging bull, it went from meeting straight into a r/s and that was too much for me....I couldn't slow it down. In sept my ex wanted to talk, she wanted to see me, I phoned her instead, when I asked what do you wanna talk about she said our son, I said talk away and all she could say was stuff that won't be happening for another 12-18 months time.....when he starts school....it was ridiculous....I don't know why she wanted to talk about that stuff but a few days earlier she had just found out I was dating this girl.....you do the maths but it doesn't add up at all to me. She ended up in tears on the phone to me as I told her exactly what I thought of her, and told her again not to text me, but phone if you ever want to talk, other than that....leave me alone! A few days later a text.......clearly I speak a foreign language....a few days later again a text.....and then another about christmas a few weeks later! I didn't reply to any of them as she clearly is not respecting my wishes at all. On nov 5th I eneded it with the girl I was seeing, it was too much to soon and I wasn't over my ex, I don't wish for her back, but the pain is still there, she hates me for ending it, she was more into me than I was her, I'm very very sory for hurting her. When me and my ex split I joined a gym, got in shape, joined a football team, did new things, bought new clothes and kept busy....all that was real good at the time, took my mind of it loads. My mindset is totally different, I don't do the gym but bought some weights and train for a bit every night, I am saving to start my business idea in the new year and I'm nervous yet exciting about the new adventure I am on. I don't feel like I have alot going for me but I do, I compare my life to the fantasy one I built up about my ex and I am a total loser...but that's all in my head, she moved on so quickly yet gave me so many signs that she wanted me in her life but just couldn't, who knows. She made her choice and I am sure she is happy. We share our son 50/50 and I'm sure within the coming years I will have gotten over the hurt and we can be friends, who knows. Right now I can't be friends, it's too hard and to much has happened this year for me to be healed yet, but I am getting there. So there we are, I am over her, but not the pain, I don't ask questions, now I just wonder...wonder about all the hopes and dreams we shared and talked about, and wonder how things might have been. It's more reflective now I guess. On sunday I will be picking up my son from her for the first time in about 5 months, I am nervous about seeing her, but that's life. I have to get on with it. I have a child to bring up, a business to start, a new path to walk......it still hurts when I think of her...but nowhere near what it did at the start, to all who are just starting a break up, believe me, life gets better, I know, so many times I have thought about what she did recently, and I have burst into laughter, I find my self in uncontraolable histerics as I think oh my god, I can't believe that happened, and now I just find it quite funny. In time.....I won't even think about it all.......today...I have not mentioned what this day is to anyone, not a soul, I have not mentioned it, not a friend, not family, nothing....this is the only place I will mention it....and this....is the last time I will say......happy anniversary to me. To you all....broken hearted.....find a little piece of the world, and live in happiness no matter what. Love to you all Jonesy Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Maybe I am missing something..but why were you so relentless in not making it work again? Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Happy for you!!! Glad your in a good place. Keep it up! Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I did want to make it work.....I begged her, I absolutely begged....she is still seeing the guy from her works, who she left me for...I would always want to make it work....If she came to me today and said I wanna make it work....I'd listen, if nothing else but for my boy....but she is with someone else.....that's life. Jonesy Link to comment
Timefornc Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Good stuff jonesy... All the things that you have read over this year, whilst helps- it just goes to show everyone works at different speeds in getting by and moving on. All the best Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Very nice post man, stay strong when you have to see her. Link to comment
lemsip Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I asked her to never text me again, as the fear I now had of her messages.... I am over her, but not the pain... Mate, you're doing great. Like so many others on here, yours was a complete headf*ck of a breakup - especially with a son involved - but you're doing great. Your post really resonated with me actually. Exactly the same feelings, situation and length of relationship as me, minus the child. I did the begging too, I'm sad to say, all to no avail. The emotional turmoil we all go through at the start of a BU (this being my first) is unforgettable. I can see why so many people are scared to love again. It almost feels like it's not worth the pain in the long run - as most relationships inevitably will end. The things I quoted you on there I really feel as well. I still have to get the odd text and email from my ex about the house we own and are trying to sell/rent. I understand completely the feeling you get when you see her name in your inbox: it's horrible, pure and utter anxiety, your heart goes into your mouth. Like you, I'm over my ex but not the pain. She is seeing someone else now too, which has helped my healing in a way. But I couldn't take her back now. I can't believe she did all that to me, I feel anger and sadness, but mostly I'm OK now. I'd say 80% of the time I'm cool. Time and no contact. I truly believe they're the only things that help. Fair play Jonesy, keep it up. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Cheers lemsip, In those first few months we were texting all the time, and in the end I had to put my hand over my phone and delete the messages without reading them....I used to shake..... Ya know I got a message from my best mate yesterday, he said he bumped into some mutual friends of my ex's and mine and he said they told him all about my ex....my heart sank for a moment as I wondered what?? and then it hit me....so what??? who cares??? There couldn't possibly be anything to worry about, all the hurt and all the damage was done...she getting married?? who cares...pregnant???? so what???? I put down my phone and went about my day..... 6 MONTHS ago I'd have been climbing the walls with wonder.......I really don't care....I miss her, I do, and I'm gutted for my son......but really.....what is the worry all about???? Thanks to you all for your messages guys, it's a hell or a road eh! jonesy Link to comment
lemsip Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Yeah I was out with my mates the other week and one of them said "Hey I saw your ex in a bar with her new boyfriend" and it ruined my night. I wallowed and was a mess. For what?! I KNEW she was seeing someone else, and OF COURSE she would go to a bar with him. It's so messed up the way our brain associates our exs with pain. It truly is chemical - fight or flight. Our body knows that this person has caused us pain so we raise our defenses, our heart beats quicker, we're ready for the attack. But like you said, the attack will never come. They can't hurt us anymore. It's all in our head. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Ya know it's crazy how I thought I was nuts.....that I was over reacting to everything....it's real nice to hear that from someone else, that truly it's natural....really helps. It truly is in our heads...yesterday I was shaking, I felt numb, and then all of a sudden it just hit me.....it was like, so what.....hahaha....that's life....there really is nothing to worry about, it's almost as if the pain glass is full, you go to add more pain but you can't 'cos it just tips out of the glass.....you physically can't hurt anymore than what you have, but from here the glass will stop getting topped up and will slowly empty.....lesson truly learned should something like this ever happen again....like you...this is my first real heart ache....real breakup......so naturally you make mistakes.......but what's important is you learn right??? Link to comment
Eocsor Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 HAPPY ANNIVERSARY On nov 5th I eneded it with the girl I was seeing, it was too much to soon and I wasn't over my ex, I don't wish for her back, but the pain is still there, she hates me for ending it, she was more into me than I was her, I'm very very sory for hurting her. Exhibit A in why you shouldn't rebound. One more customer for ENA now. Link to comment
mikhylabelle Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 oh Jonesy! I remember your story, and i was really really touched by the strength of your love. You have done everything you could possibly do, and was willing to do some more. Your ex was a fool to have let someone like you out of her life. You are such a strong person, jonesy, and i admire the way you love and take care of your son. In time, even the pain will go away, and there will be nothing but peace inside. Keep moving forward! Cheers! Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 Thank you belle, thank you for reading my story. She had her reasons I guess, took me a long time to stop wondering why she refused to work on our problems....maybe in years to come I will be able to ask her over a cuppa, but for now my focus is on bettering my life for my son and his future. Thank you for your post. Be well. Jonesy Link to comment
RastaPasta Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 This is really inspirational Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I am so proud of myself.............. I got up this morning and went to work with my brother, he knew what was on my mind but never said a word....and neither did I.......I got home at mid day wrote this thread, I helped my parents with their shopping, my mum knew what was on my mind but neither of us spoke about it........I never mentioned one single word!!! I sat and watched some t.v. with her and then headed off to work....everyone in work knows my story, god I have talked about it enough. There are a few people who always ask me stuff, in a caring way at work, they are generally interested in my break up story. But I never mentioned today was one year.... At 20 past 10 I kinda laughed to myself, thought about her and my son for a bit, kinda just hoped they were ok, thought about her new guy and how my life has changed in 12 months. I got home from work just now had some food and am gonna go to bed.....I went through this day without talking to one living soul about my ex.....not one....her name never passed my lips.....today has been a big deal for me.......I have to talk to her sunday and see her for the first time in about 5 months.....this is the only place I have talked about her today....I think I am gonna try NO TALKING ABOUT HER CONTACT......see how long I can go without mentioning her to anyone.... Today is day one of no talking contact....this is gonna be fun! Peace and love to all Jonesy Link to comment
Grace696 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 JONESY!! I remember you well and have been wondering how you have been getting on. It's really good to get an update. It sounds like you are doing well - the past year must have been very hard, but you've made it through, and today is the last day you'll ever have to go through the whole 'this time last year' thing. The first time is always the hardest. How's your boy? Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hello grace, Yeah I am still about, I don't post here as much anymore but always keep an eye on peoples stories, think I will be on wondering the corridoors here for life now hahaha. I am well, it's been a long slog of a year while I just try and sort my mind out...man I have been "a broken man" really, haha, but I've tried really hard to keep my tish together for my lad and well, I am alot better now, yesterday was a huge milestone one I was really worried about. It's like someone saying the world is gonna end on dec 2nd 2011, and when the day comes and passes it's like, oh, ok, I'm still here, oh and so are you, and so is the world. That's kinda how I felt. My boy is doing really well, he is an absolute star, he is 2 now, and cracks me up so much. He is such a clever little kid, he watches what's going on with things from the outside, he is very clever, and I know I am biased, but hey what the hell. I still have him half the week, Sun through to wed one week then sun through to thursday the next. We have some great chats, I have taught him some cool stuff. I am trying hard not to let it affect me anymore when he goes back to her, for a long time it used to kill me, but the weeks are flying by and I just tell myself to enjoy my free time now because that's how it is. Tomorrow is going to be tough one, I have to see her for the first time in months as my mum has been picking up my boy and dropping him off in order for me to break away from my ex and digest everything. I have to talk to her about xmas and I don't know how that will go, I try and tell myself now that I actually don't care anymore, it is what it is, I don't have to like it but that's how it is. I am a nice guy, and I find it hard to be nasty to people for no reason, I don't like gossip and I try help everyone if I can, so my dislike for my ex is real, there really is not a soul on this planet I can say I hate...it's such a strong word, I don't hate my ex, I'm just dissapointed and feel a little short changed by her, like she stole something from me. So being civil is hard, especially when I've never had to dislike someone before in my life. But, for my lad I am trying to let it go, that's why I have taken this year out away from her and refusing to talk unless it's about something serious, I will probably continue it into next year too, because I'm not totally there yet. Everything I do will have an effect on my kid, that's why I stopped the begging as quick as I could, and just got out of her life and let her and her new guy get to know eachother, as much as it hurt, I didn't wanna come between any of that. So looking forward to getting my boy tomorrow, today is day 2 of not talking about my ex, I may post on here I may not, but I will not be talking about her to anyone, and if people ask anything, friends, family, at work, anything, I am going to reply I have moved on from that now, and everytime I think of her I will tell myself the same, "I have moved on from that now" I don't know if it will help, but I am going to try, and hope that eventually I will believe it. Thanks to everyone again for posting, Much love Jonesy Link to comment
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