SeeThruDream Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 This one is tough to talk about and to ask for advice in regards to. I'm generally a private person and this is a very private subject for me, one I am uncomfortable talking about. I signed up here because my need for advice supersedes my desire for complete privacy. If you're going to respond, I would prefer advice. Encouragement is still welcome, if that's what you have to offer. Criticism is NOT what I'm looking for and I will not respond to it. I am unsure about whether or not I should include all of the details relating to my predicament. Perhaps I would be best suited to keep things simple, in order to receive simple advice that is easy to understand. Then again, maybe I should be as articulate as possible so that I can ensure that I have portrayed my dilemma accurately and am getting useful and confident advice in return. I've decided to go halfway; providing mild detail, but leaving out the most private parts concerning myself and almost all of the private stuff concerning her. So, if you have a question, then please ask and I will address it carefully. Here is the situation - I am a 26 year old hetero male, unsure about whether or not I should get back together with my 27 year old hetero female ex-girlfriend. In fact, I'm unsure if I actually want to or if I'm just caving in to loneliness and sexual urges. She and I were first introduced by our parents, as my mother is her mother's boss. After being introduced, we soon started dating and then became boyfriend and girlfriend soon after that. My relationship history is slight, having had only two girlfriends before her, neither of which lasted very long. My first relationship was at the age of 18. My first girlfriend gave me my first kiss, but broke up with me after less than a week to get back with her ex-boyfriend. My second relationship was at the age of 22. My second girlfriend took my virginity, but broke up with me after 4 months and one week in order to go out with another guy, who she is now married to. Finally, this girl (whom this thread concerns) and I got together after I had just turned 26. She and I were together for 6 months and 2 weeks, before I broke up with her. There were many issues in our relationship. She is incredibly insecure and needy, very controlling and insanely jealous. I am independent and undisciplined, a poor provider and obsessed with sex. Needless to say, problems arose. She suffocated me, first of all (no, not literally). For the first month of our relationship, I spent every single day with her. She didn't want to be apart from me for even a second. I'm the kind of person that really values the time I spend with someone that I care about, but I prefer having plenty of time to myself and time with other people (friends and family, I do not cheat in a relationship). But, I wanted to show her that I was committed to her, that I wanted to be with her and that she could trust me. I tried very carefully to ease her into giving me some time to myself and some space. I was patient and showed empathy. She cried in my arms over family troubles and issues at work almost every day, but I did not push her away. I listened and I gave the best support and the best advice that I knew how to. As I tried to ween her off of seeing me every single day, she became increasingly manipulative and combative (verbally, not physically). It would often escalate into full blown verbal fights full of shouting. And as I slowly attempted to make time for my friends again (who were honestly worried about me) as I had always planned to, she immediately began treating them like her enemies. Every time I had a friend over, she and I either got into a big fight beforehand or she made a huge scene by showing up at my house uninvited and trying to force her way inside. Needless to say, my friends hated her and with good reason. They only saw that side of her because it was the only side she would ever show them. I tried multiple different strategies in order to get her more comfortable with my friends, but things only got worse. I wasn't just going to give up on the relationship, though. Was I in love with her? No. Did I have feelings for her? Yes. Was I happy with the relationship? No. Was the relationship valuable to me? Yes. She and I started talking once a week to a relationship counselor whom she trusted. We both had our opportunities to speak and she tried to put things in perspective for both of us. I did my best to carry my weight and perhaps she did too, but things always fell apart. She wouldn't make a lasting change in regards to her jealous and controlling nature. She broke an innumerable amount of promises. She lied to me often and had an entire arsenal of tools that she used in order to try to trick me into doing what she wanted. After threatening to break up with her numerous times, one day I finally had enough. I simply wanted a day out with two of my friends. I had no plans with her and had even informed her that I was going to hang out with those two friends. But, she would not leave me alone. I received over 100 texts/phone calls/messages from her, on average more than one every 10 minutes for a duration of 12 hours. I pleaded with her to leave me alone, but every plea only brought with it another onslaught of messages, calls and voice mails. I had finally had enough. I broke up with her that evening via text message and turned off my phone when I went to bed, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I told her that I wasn't going to speak to her again for a long time and said that though I cared about her, that's just the way it had to be. But, as time went on, she managed to find ways to worm her way back into my life. I was aware that she was unfortunately either unable or (more likely) unwilling to talk with anyone else about her personal troubles. So, I was the only one that could cheer her up and offer her encouragement that she would possibly listen to. I heard through the grapevine about several difficult matters involving her family that she was dealing with and finally caved in and allowed her to visit so that she could talk to me about it. Then, I let her back into my life as a friend on specific conditions. I made it clear that I in no way could promise that we would ever get back together. And I noted that I would NOT tolerate her being rude to my friends or family and that I had zero tolerance for her manipulative ways. Did she change? Well, she made more of an effort than she had previously. But even that effort rarely added up to more than a day or two of better behavior. Sooner or later, she would always go right back to her old ways. Further complicating matters was the fact that she and I were still having sex while we were just friends. It was something that we both wanted, to some degree. However, I will admit that I still wanted it a lot more often than she did and I believe that in many instances, I was being manipulative by pressuring her into having sex with me while we were spending time together. She would always say "yes," but it was clear that she was often doing it more as a favor to me than as something she had great desire to do. As time went on, she again made a scene in front of my friends a few times and was particularly nasty and disrespectful to both myself and my friends. I broke off our friendship several times, but each time I ended up forgiving her and giving her another chance, despite the constant warnings from both my family and my friends. Well, two things happened recently in our friendship that have had an emotional impact on me. First, she had to put her beloved dog of 16 years to sleep and I was there to support and comfort her as this happened. Second, she found a guy she liked at her work and eventually became his girlfriend about a week ago. This wasn't necessarily a surprise to me, but it did put conflicting thoughts and feelings in my head and my heart. Naturally, she and I stopped having sex when she and him became boyfriend and girlfriend. This has served to cloud my judgment, I think, because I have a high sex drive and am very attracted to her. In fact, she serves as my only real sexual outlet and I do not have confidence in the idea that I could soon find sex elsewhere. I have never had an easy time finding a girlfriend. And I have never had a one night stand, nor have I even met a girl who would have a one night stand with me. This begs the question, do I only want her around for sex? The answer is "no." But, is sex one of the main reasons I want her around? The answer is "yes." I keep her as a part of my life for three main reasons, in this order - 1.) I care about her and want her to have someone who can be there for her and someone whom she can trust. 2.) I love her as a person, despite not being "in love" with her, and I do have feelings for her. 3.) Sex. Her relationship with another man has backed me into a corner, in a way. It's taken the control over our relationship (be it friend or something more) out of my hands and put it into her hands. This has left me emotionally confused and unsure of what I want. She says that she is in love with me, though she does have feelings for him. She says that she wanted badly to be in a relationship with me again, but noted that I only wanted to be friends (because I do not yet trust her and feel that I shouldn't commit to a relationship with her again until I can) and that she was looking for something more. She's promised me multiple times that she was going to break up with him, only to change her mind and stay with him. She would always then point the finger back at me and say that I'm the one that doesn't want a relationship with her, but he does. Well, tonight I finally caved in (despite my better judgment, perhaps). I told her I would accept her back as my girlfriend if she breaks up with him. A few days ago, my mind was made up that I should NOT do this. But seeing her in front of me, looking into her eyes and missing the emotional and sexual connection that we had and fearing that I would lose it forever if I didn't take her back, I did what I had decided I should not do. Now, she says that she will break up with him tomorrow and then she and I can be together again. I'm still unsure if this is what I really want. Yes, I will enjoy the emotional and sexual gratification of a relationship, but are she and I truly compatible? Can I really give her what she needs (and really, can anyone)? Can she give me what I need? Am I only caving in out of weakness or do I truly want for things to work and for us to be together? I don't know. It's hard to know for certain. Is my greatest pull towards getting back together the altruistic desire to help her and give her what she needs? Or, is my greatest pull towards getting back together with her my strong desire for a dependable sex life? Or, is my greatest pull towards her my want for more stability in my life? What should I do? After all of this, what should I say to her tomorrow? Please remember that this telling of our story is a condensed one. In fact, I fear that I've downplayed how manipulative and often downright rude she can be. Then again, I want to be fair and I hope that I have conveyed my own faults. In all honesty, I believe that 80% or more of the failure in our relationship is owed to her. But I completely want to own up to the 20% that I believe I am to blame for. And that's all I have to say for now. That's the best I can convey my dilemma. Now, I can only ask for empathy, understanding and advice. In fact, I beg each and every one of you to find it in your heart to withdraw your judgment and instead offer your keenest insight and support. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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