Should we get back together? Do I even want to?

[SeeThruDream]

This one is tough to talk about and to ask for advice in regards to. I'm generally a private person and this is a very private subject for me, one I am uncomfortable talking about. I signed up here because my need for advice supersedes my desire for complete privacy.

 

If you're going to respond, I would prefer advice. Encouragement is still welcome, if that's what you have to offer. Criticism is NOT what I'm looking for and I will not respond to it.

 

I am unsure about whether or not I should include all of the details relating to my predicament. Perhaps I would be best suited to keep things simple, in order to receive simple advice that is easy to understand. Then again, maybe I should be as articulate as possible so that I can ensure that I have portrayed my dilemma accurately and am getting useful and confident advice in return.

 

I've decided to go halfway; providing mild detail, but leaving out the most private parts concerning myself and almost all of the private stuff concerning her. So, if you have a question, then please ask and I will address it carefully.

 

Here is the situation -

 

I am a 26 year old hetero male, unsure about whether or not I should get back together with my 27 year old hetero female ex-girlfriend. In fact, I'm unsure if I actually want to or if I'm just caving in to loneliness and sexual urges.

 

She and I were first introduced by our parents, as my mother is her mother's boss. After being introduced, we soon started dating and then became boyfriend and girlfriend soon after that. My relationship history is slight, having had only two girlfriends before her, neither of which lasted very long. My first relationship was at the age of 18. My first girlfriend gave me my first kiss, but broke up with me after less than a week to get back with her ex-boyfriend. My second relationship was at the age of 22. My second girlfriend took my virginity, but broke up with me after 4 months and one week in order to go out with another guy, who she is now married to. Finally, this girl (whom this thread concerns) and I got together after I had just turned 26. She and I were together for 6 months and 2 weeks, before I broke up with her.

 

There were many issues in our relationship. She is incredibly insecure and needy, very controlling and insanely jealous. I am independent and undisciplined, a poor provider and obsessed with sex. Needless to say, problems arose. She suffocated me, first of all (no, not literally). For the first month of our relationship, I spent every single day with her. She didn't want to be apart from me for even a second. I'm the kind of person that really values the time I spend with someone that I care about, but I prefer having plenty of time to myself and time with other people (friends and family, I do not cheat in a relationship). But, I wanted to show her that I was committed to her, that I wanted to be with her and that she could trust me. I tried very carefully to ease her into giving me some time to myself and some space. I was patient and showed empathy. She cried in my arms over family troubles and issues at work almost every day, but I did not push her away. I listened and I gave the best support and the best advice that I knew how to.

 

As I tried to ween her off of seeing me every single day, she became increasingly manipulative and combative (verbally, not physically). It would often escalate into full blown verbal fights full of shouting. And as I slowly attempted to make time for my friends again (who were honestly worried about me) as I had always planned to, she immediately began treating them like her enemies. Every time I had a friend over, she and I either got into a big fight beforehand or she made a huge scene by showing up at my house uninvited and trying to force her way inside. Needless to say, my friends hated her and with good reason. They only saw that side of her because it was the only side she would ever show them. I tried multiple different strategies in order to get her more comfortable with my friends, but things only got worse.

 

I wasn't just going to give up on the relationship, though. Was I in love with her? No. Did I have feelings for her? Yes. Was I happy with the relationship? No. Was the relationship valuable to me? Yes.

 

She and I started talking once a week to a relationship counselor whom she trusted. We both had our opportunities to speak and she tried to put things in perspective for both of us. I did my best to carry my weight and perhaps she did too, but things always fell apart. She wouldn't make a lasting change in regards to her jealous and controlling nature. She broke an innumerable amount of promises. She lied to me often and had an entire arsenal of tools that she used in order to try to trick me into doing what she wanted.

 

After threatening to break up with her numerous times, one day I finally had enough. I simply wanted a day out with two of my friends. I had no plans with her and had even informed her that I was going to hang out with those two friends. But, she would not leave me alone. I received over 100 texts/phone calls/messages from her, on average more than one every 10 minutes for a duration of 12 hours. I pleaded with her to leave me alone, but every plea only brought with it another onslaught of messages, calls and voice mails.

 

I had finally had enough. I broke up with her that evening via text message and turned off my phone when I went to bed, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I told her that I wasn't going to speak to her again for a long time and said that though I cared about her, that's just the way it had to be.

 

But, as time went on, she managed to find ways to worm her way back into my life. I was aware that she was unfortunately either unable or (more likely) unwilling to talk with anyone else about her personal troubles. So, I was the only one that could cheer her up and offer her encouragement that she would possibly listen to. I heard through the grapevine about several difficult matters involving her family that she was dealing with and finally caved in and allowed her to visit so that she could talk to me about it. Then, I let her back into my life as a friend on specific conditions. I made it clear that I in no way could promise that we would ever get back together. And I noted that I would NOT tolerate her being rude to my friends or family and that I had zero tolerance for her manipulative ways.

 

Did she change? Well, she made more of an effort than she had previously. But even that effort rarely added up to more than a day or two of better behavior. Sooner or later, she would always go right back to her old ways.

 

Further complicating matters was the fact that she and I were still having sex while we were just friends. It was something that we both wanted, to some degree. However, I will admit that I still wanted it a lot more often than she did and I believe that in many instances, I was being manipulative by pressuring her into having sex with me while we were spending time together. She would always say "yes," but it was clear that she was often doing it more as a favor to me than as something she had great desire to do.

 

As time went on, she again made a scene in front of my friends a few times and was particularly nasty and disrespectful to both myself and my friends. I broke off our friendship several times, but each time I ended up forgiving her and giving her another chance, despite the constant warnings from both my family and my friends.

 

Well, two things happened recently in our friendship that have had an emotional impact on me. First, she had to put her beloved dog of 16 years to sleep and I was there to support and comfort her as this happened. Second, she found a guy she liked at her work and eventually became his girlfriend about a week ago. This wasn't necessarily a surprise to me, but it did put conflicting thoughts and feelings in my head and my heart.

 

Naturally, she and I stopped having sex when she and him became boyfriend and girlfriend. This has served to cloud my judgment, I think, because I have a high sex drive and am very attracted to her. In fact, she serves as my only real sexual outlet and I do not have confidence in the idea that I could soon find sex elsewhere. I have never had an easy time finding a girlfriend. And I have never had a one night stand, nor have I even met a girl who would have a one night stand with me.

 

This begs the question, do I only want her around for sex? The answer is "no." But, is sex one of the main reasons I want her around? The answer is "yes." I keep her as a part of my life for three main reasons, in this order - 1.) I care about her and want her to have someone who can be there for her and someone whom she can trust. 2.) I love her as a person, despite not being "in love" with her, and I do have feelings for her. 3.) Sex.

 

Her relationship with another man has backed me into a corner, in a way. It's taken the control over our relationship (be it friend or something more) out of my hands and put it into her hands. This has left me emotionally confused and unsure of what I want. She says that she is in love with me, though she does have feelings for him. She says that she wanted badly to be in a relationship with me again, but noted that I only wanted to be friends (because I do not yet trust her and feel that I shouldn't commit to a relationship with her again until I can) and that she was looking for something more. She's promised me multiple times that she was going to break up with him, only to change her mind and stay with him. She would always then point the finger back at me and say that I'm the one that doesn't want a relationship with her, but he does.

 

Well, tonight I finally caved in (despite my better judgment, perhaps). I told her I would accept her back as my girlfriend if she breaks up with him. A few days ago, my mind was made up that I should NOT do this. But seeing her in front of me, looking into her eyes and missing the emotional and sexual connection that we had and fearing that I would lose it forever if I didn't take her back, I did what I had decided I should not do.

 

Now, she says that she will break up with him tomorrow and then she and I can be together again. I'm still unsure if this is what I really want. Yes, I will enjoy the emotional and sexual gratification of a relationship, but are she and I truly compatible? Can I really give her what she needs (and really, can anyone)? Can she give me what I need? Am I only caving in out of weakness or do I truly want for things to work and for us to be together?

 

I don't know. It's hard to know for certain. Is my greatest pull towards getting back together the altruistic desire to help her and give her what she needs? Or, is my greatest pull towards getting back together with her my strong desire for a dependable sex life? Or, is my greatest pull towards her my want for more stability in my life?

 

What should I do? After all of this, what should I say to her tomorrow? Please remember that this telling of our story is a condensed one. In fact, I fear that I've downplayed how manipulative and often downright rude she can be. Then again, I want to be fair and I hope that I have conveyed my own faults. In all honesty, I believe that 80% or more of the failure in our relationship is owed to her. But I completely want to own up to the 20% that I believe I am to blame for.

 

And that's all I have to say for now. That's the best I can convey my dilemma. Now, I can only ask for empathy, understanding and advice. In fact, I beg each and every one of you to find it in your heart to withdraw your judgment and instead offer your keenest insight and support.

 

Thank you.

[SeeThruDream]

Note to the moderators:

 

If I posted this in the wrong forum, please feel free to move it. I want this thread to be in the place most likely to get good advice in.

[athena3]

It sounds like you're in a difficult position...it's a struggle between your head and your heart. My question is has she changed at all? It's mostly a rhetorical question because I know the answer is "no". You describe here how rude, how needy, and how manipulative she is, and none of that is going to change if you two are to get back together. So far, You've let her back in your life time and time again, saying that you NEED for her to change, yet showing, through your actions (by even spending time with her) that you really don't need her to change at all.

 

I don't know your ex at all, but it seems like she has a lot of work to do on her personal growth. Calling/texting anyone 100 times in one day is flat-out obsessive, and completely unhealthy. How she is now is not going to work for any long-term relationship. You can bet that in any new relationship she has, as long as she's not putting in the work to change, she's going to treat the guy the exact same way she treated you. That also says something about you, the fact that you stayed so long and let her treat you this way. You know you deserve more, all your friends and family are telling you that, because they care about you and they can see it more objectively than you can.

 

The best thing you can do is let her go and wish her well. She might really care about you but she certainly isn't showing it. Caring about you doesn't equate to getting angry at you for spending time with your loved ones. You've been really patient with her, and that's honestly a great quality. Some other guys would've left a lot earlier, others might've gotten angry/violent. It sounds like to me that you lack self-esteem, you don't seem to think there's going to be better out there...but from what I can see in your post, you seem like a rational, kind-hearted, patient, and empathetic guy. Those are great qualities to bring into a healthy relationship, and other girls out there are going to really appreciate these qualities in you. You can do without sex for awhile IMO...it's not worth it if the sex comes with a catch: that you must lose your identity to her.

 

Hope this helps...and if anything I said offended you, I really didn't mean it to. Feel better

[SeeThruDream]

No, you didn't offend me! I really appreciate your input!

 

I think you're right. I should have more self-esteem about what I have to offer in a relationship. And I shouldn't give up my identity for her just to get sex, it's not worth it. Thank you, also, for your compliments.

 

So, what do you think I should say to her tomorrow? Should I contact her before work to talk to her? Or, should I wait and see if she actually breaks up with her boyfriend while she is at work, then decide?

[athena3]

Glad I could help!

 

If all you are looking for right now is just sex, even then, I'm not sure if it's worth it to be with her and all of the drama she creates. If you're looking for a stable, long-lasting, mutually supportive relationship, then she is definitely not an option for you. I'm all for people changing though, I think we all have the capacity to grow and become better people, but it's a conscious choice, and it's a choice she hasn't made yet...and probably won't make for a long time. Usually those kind of insecurities take a long time to work through (I would know as I've been working on my insecurity for years).

 

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I think you place a lot of importance on sex in a relationship. Sex is definitely important, but there's also so much more...like having fun together, letting each other grow both together and apart, having the same values, beliefs, etc... communication, trust, honesty! You said that you're not sure if you want her because you want to help her, want to have a reliable sex life, or want a more stable life? (I'm rewording here)...If I have to break down this statement, I'd say that helping her and wanting sex with her are definitely not reasons to stay with someone. She needs to help herself, you can't do that work for her. Moreover, you will definitely not have a more stable life with her, she totally intruded on your life while you were with her.

 

I think you should break up with her for good...that's only my opinion though, I know in the end, most people do what they want to do regardless of what others say. You need to set boundaries for yourself and for your own sake, you really need to move on. Date around, see what else is out there, but don't stay stuck with her problems. I don't know...for her sake, I don't think you should tell her before work, or else she might have a horrible time at work. You can tell her you need to talk, but you'd like to talk after her work.

[toby17]

Let this girl go.

 

And don't wait to tell her before she breaks up with her boyfriend:

- you don't need to take this from her

- if she doesn't have him she'll be trying to get back with you.

 

If this girl is everything you say she is then why do you want to put up with all of that just for sex?

 

But if you do get back with her, you deserve what you get.

[SeeThruDream]

I am thinking that I was wrong to say I wanted to get back together with her. It was a moment of weakness. But, it really would be hard for me to let her go. I invested a lot in our relationship and I still have some fond memories from it. Seeing her with another guy still kind of hurts me, even though things never worked out well when she and I were together.

 

I don't want to lose her as someone in my life, but I don't see things progressing well if she and I stay good friends while she's with him; especially if she's still in love with me, as she says she is. This guy that's she's been with for about a week is already talking about getting her an engagement ring. And I know she's the kind of girl that wants to be engaged, she subtly tried to pressure me the whole time we were together to get her an engagement ring and ask her to marry me. If she's engaged to him, but still has strong feelings for me, then their relationship is just asking for trouble.

 

But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe they're right for each other. He's the kind of guy that wants to spending every waking second with her. And, he apparently only has one friend outside of her to spend time with and he has no female friends. I remember that she gave me endless amounts of hell because one of my best friends of 8+ years is a female. But I have no feelings for this friend and see more like a sister than a love interest and she feels the same way about me. My ex-girlfriend (whom I have been talking about in this thread) was paranoid and thought I secretly had feelings for my female friend and continually accused me of either being sexually attracted to her, having feelings for her, sleeping with her or being in love with her. None of these things could be farther from the truth, but she kept bringing it up over and over again. She still brings it up.

 

My friends, male or female, have been there for me for years and treat me like a member of the family. I would never cut off contact with any of them for a woman, even if I had to spend the rest of my life single.

[offplanet]

I would seriously advise you not to get committed to this girl again, and tell her that before she breaks up with the new guy. Yes you will miss the sex and you might not get it with anyone else for a while, but there's no reason you won't find another girl eventually. The relationship with her sounds very unhealthy. Maybe you do 'need' someone to 'need' you, and you might tend to end up with the same type of relationship over and over, if that's the case. Maybe that's ok with you, but then, you don't like being 'suffocated', either. The thing is, if your head says 'leave' because it's the healthy thing to do, but your emotional need says 'stay', the emotional need will probably win, especially because the sexual need also says 'stay'. Anyway, I think it'd be good to make the break, and let her lean on the other guy instead of you. You know you're going to regret it if you get back into that old routine with the obsessive texting and all the dramas. But will you make the break?

[winniethepooh]

If you're going to respond, I would prefer advice. Encouragement is still welcome, if that's what you have to offer. Criticism is NOT what I'm looking for and I will not respond to it.

What sounds like advice to one person might come accross as criticism to another.

 

I am a 26 year old hetero male, unsure about whether or not I should get back together with my 27 year old hetero female ex-girlfriend. In fact, I'm unsure if I actually want to or if I'm just caving in to loneliness and sexual urges.

Do you even have the option of getting back together?

 

There were many issues in our relationship. She is incredibly insecure and needy, very controlling and insanely jealous. I am independent and undisciplined, a poor provider and obsessed with sex.

You don't make either of you sound like attractive partners.

 

If one person is insecure and needy, and the other is independent and undisciplined, that sounds to me like a combination that makes for a very difficult relationship. What were you doing to alleviate her insecurities and neediness? What was she doing to respect your desire for independence?

 

Similar questions for the other qualities. If both of you have an obsession with sex then that sounds compatible to me. Does she have a similar drive?

 

But, I wanted to show her that I was committed to her, that I wanted to be with her and that she could trust me. I tried very carefully to ease her into giving me some time to myself and some space. I was patient and showed empathy. She cried in my arms over family troubles and issues at work almost every day, but I did not push her away. I listened and I gave the best support and the best advice that I knew how to.

Fair enough, sounds encouraging. What was she doing to show she was committed to a relationship with you?

 

As I tried to ween her off of seeing me every single day, she became increasingly manipulative and combative (verbally, not physically). It would often escalate into full blown verbal fights full of shouting. And as I slowly attempted to make time for my friends again (who were honestly worried about me) as I had always planned to, she immediately began treating them like her enemies. Every time I had a friend over, she and I either got into a big fight beforehand or she made a huge scene by showing up at my house uninvited and trying to force her way inside. Needless to say, my friends hated her and with good reason. They only saw that side of her because it was the only side she would ever show them. I tried multiple different strategies in order to get her more comfortable with my friends, but things only got worse.

Ah. So she wasn't doing so much by the sounds of it.

 

Was I in love with her? No.

Not surprising given what you said so far.

 

Did I have feelings for her? Yes.

Ok. Keep this in mind.

 

Was I happy with the relationship? No.

Again, not surprising.

 

Was the relationship valuable to me? Yes.

Why?

 

She and I started talking once a week to a relationship counselor whom she trusted. We both had our opportunities to speak and she tried to put things in perspective for both of us. I did my best to carry my weight and perhaps she did too, but things always fell apart. She wouldn't make a lasting change in regards to her jealous and controlling nature. She broke an innumerable amount of promises. She lied to me often and had an entire arsenal of tools that she used in order to try to trick me into doing what she wanted.

The counselor thing sounds promising, but the rest of it sounds like she's clearly someone to avoid, whether in a relationship or even just as a friendship. How can you be with someone that constantly lies and breaks promises? I mean I suppose we all do sometimes, but hopefully not in significant ways.

 

After threatening to break up with her numerous times,

Well, I don't think that's a constructive way to improve a relationship, but I can understand your perspective.

 

one day I finally had enough. I simply wanted a day out with two of my friends. I had no plans with her and had even informed her that I was going to hang out with those two friends. But, she would not leave me alone. I received over 100 texts/phone calls/messages from her, on average more than one every 10 minutes for a duration of 12 hours. I pleaded with her to leave me alone, but every plea only brought with it another onslaught of messages, calls and voice mails.

This comes accross as obsession, not desire. And a very unhealthy one. Look for posts by someone called IceFireSoul if you want to try and view your partner in a more positive light.

 

I had finally had enough. I broke up with her that evening via text message and turned off my phone when I went to bed, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I told her that I wasn't going to speak to her again for a long time and said that though I cared about her, that's just the way it had to be.

Understandable.

 

But, as time went on, she managed to find ways to worm her way back into my life. I was aware that she was unfortunately either unable or (more likely) unwilling to talk with anyone else about her personal troubles. So, I was the only one that could cheer her up and offer her encouragement that she would possibly listen to. I heard through the grapevine about several difficult matters involving her family that she was dealing with and finally caved in and allowed her to visit so that she could talk to me about it. Then, I let her back into my life as a friend on specific conditions. I made it clear that I in no way could promise that we would ever get back together. And I noted that I would NOT tolerate her being rude to my friends or family and that I had zero tolerance for her manipulative ways.

 

Did she change? Well, she made more of an effort than she had previously. But even that effort rarely added up to more than a day or two of better behavior. Sooner or later, she would always go right back to her old ways.

Yeah, people can and do change, but not overnight usually.

 

Further complicating matters was the fact that she and I were still having sex while we were just friends.

Yes, that's a complication.

 

She would always say "yes," but it was clear that she was often doing it more as a favor to me than as something she had great desire to do.

More imbalance (as if there isn't already enough).

 

As time went on, she again made a scene in front of my friends a few times and was particularly nasty and disrespectful to both myself and my friends. I broke off our friendship several times, but each time I ended up forgiving her and giving her another chance, despite the constant warnings from both my family and my friends.

Well, things won't change as long as you are doing the same thing repeatedly.

 

Second, she found a guy she liked at her work and eventually became his girlfriend about a week ago. This wasn't necessarily a surprise to me, but it did put conflicting thoughts and feelings in my head and my heart.

 

Naturally, she and I stopped having sex when she and him became boyfriend and girlfriend. This has served to cloud my judgment, I think, because I have a high sex drive and am very attracted to her. In fact, she serves as my only real sexual outlet and I do not have confidence in the idea that I could soon find sex elsewhere. I have never had an easy time finding a girlfriend. And I have never had a one night stand, nor have I even met a girl who would have a one night stand with me.

And I think this is the heart of your problem. She satisfies your sexual drive and everything else is put aside. If you were to find another person to have sex with, I suspect you would see her in a completely different light.

 

So given that she now has a boyfriend, I don't think getting back together with her is a realistic option, and you're kind of forced to go looking elsewhere for a sexual partner.

 

She says that she is in love with me, though she does have feelings for him. She says that she wanted badly to be in a relationship with me again, but noted that I only wanted to be friends (because I do not yet trust her and feel that I shouldn't commit to a relationship with her again until I can) and that she was looking for something more. She's promised me multiple times that she was going to break up with him, only to change her mind and stay with him. She would always then point the finger back at me and say that I'm the one that doesn't want a relationship with her, but he does.

Is this not just more manipulation on her part, given how you described her before?

 

Well, tonight I finally caved in (despite my better judgment, perhaps). I told her I would accept her back as my girlfriend if she breaks up with him. A few days ago, my mind was made up that I should NOT do this. But seeing her in front of me, looking into her eyes and missing the emotional and sexual connection that we had and fearing that I would lose it forever if I didn't take her back, I did what I had decided I should not do.

 

Now, she says that she will break up with him tomorrow and then she and I can be together again. I'm still unsure if this is what I really want. Yes, I will enjoy the emotional and sexual gratification of a relationship, but are she and I truly compatible? Can I really give her what she needs (and really, can anyone)? Can she give me what I need? Am I only caving in out of weakness or do I truly want for things to work and for us to be together?

I don't see this as a good solution.

 

I don't know. It's hard to know for certain. Is my greatest pull towards getting back together the altruistic desire to help her and give her what she needs? Or, is my greatest pull towards getting back together with her my strong desire for a dependable sex life? Or, is my greatest pull towards her my want for more stability in my life?

I don't think you can answer these questions clearly at the moment in your current emotional state. I think it will take some time alone to reflect before you really know.

 

What should I do? After all of this, what should I say to her tomorrow? Please remember that this telling of our story is a condensed one. In fact, I fear that I've downplayed how manipulative and often downright rude she can be.

If that's the case, then my feeling is you should leave her alone, focus on yourself and your needs. Alone.

 

Then again, I want to be fair and I hope that I have conveyed my own faults.

Well, yes, we all have faults. And I sense in your post an attitude that could come accross as somewhat cold in a relationship ... but you didn't want criticism .

 

It seems to me that she satisfies your desire for sex, and perhaps a desire to feel better about yourself by helping others. And you satisfy her desire for having a partner (but if she has found someone else relatively quickly, then she might not care too much about who she is with, she just doesn't want to be alone). Which comes accross as a very unbalanced relationship to me. And it seems like you have both tried to make it work.

 

I think that difficult as it may be for you to find someone else, you would be better off with someone with a similar sex drive, and far less neediness.

[SeeThruDream]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

 

It looks like I'm going to need some more advice now, too. But I'm exhausted at the moment. I've been awake for the past 21 hours, which is a lot for me.

 

I will update this thread soon, so please do not forget about me.