Boyfriend drinking?

[lostinthecloud]

My boyfriend and I had a nasty break-up that resulted in a lot of unresolved trust issues for me. We had no contact for months yet I still loved him and missed him dearly. After a year of not being together, we got back together and have been dating for 6 months. The first few months were good, but things are slowly going down-hill for me.

I encourage him to take better care of his diabetes, but he doesn't take care of it like he should. I prefer him not to buy a big bottle of hard liquor every paycheck. (Before we broke up he had a drinking problem and I rarely drink).

I'm a junior in college, so I came home for a week for Thanksgiving. While I was at home, my boyfriend and I stayed in close contact. 5 out of the 6 nights I was gone, he got drunk at his apartment so he would "miss me less". In 4 nights he finished the 1.75 liter bottles of hard liquor.

Anyway, despite me being gone, we still had a really good week. Last night he got off work at 8pm, while I was out with a girlfriend. For some odd reason, I had a funny feeling.

When I got home at 10pm, he sent me a text "I don't want you to be mad, but I'm going to meet people from work at the bar at 12:30am. Wasn't sure if I was going to go, but I'm not tired, so why not".

I guess it automatically makes you slightly mad when someone says "don't get mad". Why would he assume that I would get mad? I guess his text caught me off guard because in the 3 years I have known him, he has never been Mr. Social. Like he will have people at work to talk to but that's as far as it goes. We have went out a couple different times with a friend of mine and her boyfriend and he barely talks.

 

I told him I prefer he not go because he tends to over-drink. That's all he needs is to drive home at 2am drunk and get pulled over or get in an accident. We ended up talking an hour about it, way too long. He didn't understand "why it was such a big deal". He ended up drinking a couple beers while we were talking. Then after I took my shower, he spent another 2 hours talking about how our relationship is too great to be ruined by small minor things (like drinking, past issues, etc). And how he thinks I need to let my guard down again.

In sum, I was up until 2am listening to him preach about everything how our relationship is so great and how we need to be happy all the time and I need to change my way of thinking sometimes.

 

He obviously ended up not going to the bar because it "wasn't worth it".

 

I'm supposed to take the bus back to school today, but I honestly don't feel like it. I'm extremely tired and rather grumpy.

 

I do want him to have friends, but I don't agree with the bar scene. He's 21 and he already drinks at home enough that I don't think he needs to start going to bars especially at 12:30am.

[lostinthecloud]

I just needed to vent. I'm not sure what type of advice I'm looking for, but I don't need anyone to say that it is wrong of me to prefer him not going to the bar.

[Captain Obvious]

Drinking that much isnt a minor thing imo and if it isnt fixed now can lead to many more problems in the future if the relationship gets even more serious. If youre worried about him going to a bar because he may drive home drunk then thats another serious issue, he has turned round what concerns you have onto you. Im not sure many people would be in a relationship with someone who relies so much on alcohol, encourage him to take steps towards cutting the alcohol down.

[lostinthecloud]

He said he would only have one or two beers at the bar due to him not wanting to spend the money, but he usually doesn't limit it to 1 or 2.

I have tried for about 2 months to encourage him drinking less, but he still drinks every week.

[Maya_A]

A huge "red flag"... This sounds quite worrisome - he could be on his way to becoming an alcoholic at this rate. He has diabetes to boot? And even that doesn't phase him in his drinking...

 

You have your work cut out for you in trying to coax him into taking better care of himself & drinking less....

 

He's so young, which is hopeful in one way. A lot of us used to polish off quite the amount around that age.... Not every night at home like that, but when going out to clubs.... We tend to outgrow it...

 

However, there seems a different quality in his drinking. Does he have a family history that includes alcoholism? Does he have something "heavy" that happened in his life that he has always struggled to cope with? It's hard to say where the drinking will go with him...

 

Only time with reveal to you, whether this is something you can handle or not, which depends on whether he is able to get a handle on it, or whether it escalates...

 

But rest assured, it isn't "small potatoes" that you are making bigger, as he is trying to make it out to be....

 

I wish you both the best...

[JLKLEE]

With my experience, people who drink this much do not stop because they do not see it as a problem. Then, they begin to hide it from you. Maybe my situation is different but my boyfriend tells me how he likes to have a drink. Well, he certainly does not like to have A drink, because he has 4 or 5 or 6. He is always the drunkest of the group and it certainly is not a turn-on for me. When I express to him that it is a problem and that I think he should cut back on the drinking, he just hides it or lies.

[Huntress0527]

My ex was an alcoholic who used alcohol to help with his pain from surgery once his pain meds would run out. It is a serious problem. My ex resorted to hiding it and I would cry whenever I'd see him drink because I knew he was going to become nasty and have accidents (yes he had them frequently while together). For awhile, I tried to endure but I couldn't change him and it was making me incredibly unhappy and emotionally abused. I think you should walk away in my most humble opinion if he is unwilling to make the changes for himself.