Waiting for the real pain to hit

[Grace696]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago, for the second time, after a reconciliation attempt that lasted 7 months. We've been together for 6.5 years, minus the 5 months we were broken up earlier this year. I posted on ENA right after he broke up with me out of the blue on Wednesday and got some good support, thanks.

 

It is truly surreal to be back in this space again after the relief of 7 months of being pain-free. My friends and family are still there to support me, even though I may have neglected them in the past 7 months. I feel embarrassed that I'm back in this space needing to lean on them again.

 

One of my best friends said to me yesterday when I was crying that I just couldn't go back to that space of grief again, that I couldn't go through what I went through last breakup: "It might be different this time. You're not there; you're here. You don't know it's going to be the same, so take it as it comes."

 

My question here is: a lot of people talk about how it was terrible in the beginning, how awful the first few weeks were, and then it slowly gets better, with a few setbacks along the way. But does anyone else find that it is bad in the beginning, and then gets MUCH WORSE further down the line for a while? Say, one or two months in?

 

The first night and day after this latest breakup were terrible, and I couldn't eat or sleep and was sort of just letting waves of pain wash over me. Which did not happen last time. But I am finding that aside from waking up really early and feeling queasy in the mornings (which happened last time) that I feel kind of ok again now. Last breakup I was also more or less ok in the first month, and I think I was in denial and thought he would realise his mistake and come back any day. It wasn't until the second month that it really hit me and things got really bad. I am worried that I am once again in denial that a) it really is over for good, and/or b) that it's not going to be a really horrible time getting over this.

 

Part of the reason why I found it harder further down the line last time was that the more time that passed, the further away he went from me, toddling down his own chosen path without me. The more time that passed the more likely it was that he was over it. And the more time that passed the more likely it was that he would have started seeing someone else.

 

I guess I'm just really scared of the next few months because it was so painful last time. I'm trying to be grateful for any moments of grace I have, moments when it is sort of ok. I found a list I wrote for myself last time to help when it was really hard, and it included: "There are times when it is not so bad."

 

We trudge on, I guess.

[forlackof]

my breakup with my first love was around 3 months ago. it was surreal and very painful for the first 2 weeks (lost around 5-10 lbs), couldn't eat, sleep, etc. everything was a haze.

 

3 months in, its still waves. when i'm alone, especially in the mornings and at night, it hits, and it hits hard still.

 

i often can't tell if i'm getting better or i'm just at a standstill. i'm in 100% absolute no contact and i think that's gotten me to where i am right now. i can't even imagine the ramifications if i were still in contact.

[chr8st8na]

It comes and goes... Some days are worst than others and some flashbacks will be more intense than others. I usually don't feel the pain until a month goes by and it hits the fan and I accept that I can't go back. I think acceptance is what makes it just a little, tiny bit easier when you wrestle a lot of emotions in your head. Accept that whatever comes will come and you are ready for the next thing and the next day. Don;t force anything.... Ppl will force themselves to go and get a new lover or force themselves to call their ex, but I say don't force, just accept what it is and that for the long run, usually make things just a little, tiny bit better.

[alwaysmoving]

Man, I feel for you. I've never been in a relationship even close to that long but I couldn't imagine what you're going through. The thing is, you've gone through this once before. You know what to expect. You will survive this and eventually you'll be totally over it. Like your quote says, just keep going. Some days it'll hit you like a ton of bricks and other days you'll start to see positive effects of not being with him anymore. Just do the best you can. You're already starting to feel better.

[meoww]

I feel for you too--Mourning serious relationships are like mourning a death. I don't think it will help to be anxious about the despair you are inevitably going to feel. The depression will run its course either way, it's important not to get lost in the fog and it can't become a crutch to lean on. It's all totally natural and I think it's actually good to withdraw from your normal life a bit and spend time alone. Maybe your friend was right, since it's the second time it'll be different. I also agree with her advice to just take it as it comes. Sounds like you have good friends--that will help so much. If that's not the case, it'll be tougher but being single is really no big deal. I had a reconciliation last for a year once and the second time I didn't fall into a deep depression, I was numb and confused for a while and in my vulnerable state eventually decided to get involved with someone incredibly toxic. I suggest you avoid that lol. Swearing off any relationships for 7-8 months, maybe even longer is also great for really getting some perspective back into your life. Take the long view, rather than rushing to the finish line--you have to run the race first : ) otherwise you'll be carrying this baggage around for way too long.

 

I'm honestly happily single, so my advice is to slowly come to the realization that life never has to be a struggle no matter what your relationship status is. I don't put up with people who give me any kind of grief anymore either so my life is all around easier and drama free for the first time! I have so much freedom to be who I am and not care so much about what a significant other thinks of me. It's a great deal of fun being unattached and I feel healthier when I'm not always trying to accommodate other people and their needs. You really might find that your partner was asking too much of you, and that someone who shares more of your outlook is within reach as well.

 

Since your relationship was long, I think it would be good to spend a few months working on some kind of project or journal to commemorate it. You can always burn it or something at the end. It sounds silly and dramatic but I think having some kind of ritual going over time will really be therapeutic. I found that writing down the memories helped me not think about it anymore. It's really hard to accept the loss--my ex cheated so I wanted to dump all the memories along with him but I don't really know what it's like when you might actually want to keep some of the memories.

 

I hope you get something really positive out this time of self reflection and introspection--It really is a special time of great opportunity. Hugs, and I hope that you'll meet someone again when the time is right. Sorry to hear you're going through this--

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Grace. Been thinking of you. Well, no, I don't think it got worse, but I did have some really bad times further down the track when I found out some things that were distressing to me, but like you, I was physically in a really bad way in the beginning. I since found out that my body was actually in shock. I couldn't eat for maybe a month and was drinking those protein milk drinks, eating porridge and that sort of thing. You know its funny. Right now, I'm off work with a very bad head cold and I was going through a stash of tablets I have for when I get sick, you know, anti-histamines and Neurofen, that sort of thing. I find this full packet of sleeping tablets and I couldn't remember anything about them. I look at the date, and sure enough, they are from March this year (the time of the breakup), and the more I think about it, I remember bits, going to the doctor and that I wasn't sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time.

 

Grace, I'm POSITIVE, you will love again and be loved again. You are just that type of person I'm sure. I really didn't think I was going to get over that man and that breakup, but today, I'm actually glad I am no longer with him. Anyway, take care sweetheart. I'm glad you have family and friends around you, and of course, us here at ENA to help you through this difficult time. xxxx

[Mario043]

@Grace696

 

Everyone heals differently.. I wouldn't put any undue pressure on yourself.. I tried that.. It doesn't work.. You have to go with it. There are things you can do to expedite the process. Affirmations are good. A simple one that I use is "The universe (god, divine spirit etc) creates a better future for me." If, in your mind, you know that you did all you could to save it, maybe complete closure will help you heal faster, provided you have reached it, and that can only be gained by truly looking within.

 

 

Good luck to you

[bob333]

With time, the memories fade, I've been up and down for 15 months, so 7 months seems like a walk in the park to me.

 

I've learnt to be strong now though, have 100% NC, this person will just * * * * with your brain and cause you so much hurt and pain, if they come near tell them where to go, and be rude if you need to, they shouild shuffle off in shame.

 

As the memories fade you can start to look forward, people here talk of closure - I dont think you ever get that completely, but by re-orienting your mind you will switch off and the panic will fade.

[Grace696]

Thanks all for your replies. Sometimes some words of encouragement and some virtual hugs really are what gets you through a bad afternoon. It really helps. And it helps to hear the experiences of others.

 

meoww - thanks for reminding me that this time can be one of introspection and reflection, a learning time. A positive time. I might try the journal - right now it feels too hard, but later I might be more willing to face up to the loss. And I'm unlikely to jump into another relationship - that's never been my style. I couldn't pretend to want to be with someone while I'm still in love with my ex, so god knows how long I'll be single for. But that's ok - I actually love spending time alone.

 

silverbirch - hello again! I remember your support from last time I was kicking around these boards. It must have been right around the time when you were in your haze of shock. It's great to see you more positive now. Your kind words about being positive I will love again very touching.

 

So far I have been ok, but again, I'm pretty sure this is me in the denial bubble, and the pain is to come. I'm just trying to be patient with myself and very, very kind to myself.

 

This does all make us stronger people, though, right? We end up learning from this? And surviving this will make us realise how strong we really are. When he came back to me after the first breakup I remember feeling a little bit like I'd 'cheated' in getting my happiness back. I hadn't earned it by really getting over him, if that makes sense. Well, I guess now is my chance to do this for real again (great ... thanks for that, Universe).

[Grace696]

Thanks all for your replies. Sometimes some words of encouragement and some virtual hugs really are what gets you through a bad afternoon. It really helps. And it helps to hear the experiences of others.

 

meoww - thanks for reminding me that this time can be one of introspection and reflection, a learning time. A positive time. I might try the journal - right now it feels too hard, but later I might be more willing to face up to the loss. And I'm unlikely to jump into another relationship - that's never been my style. I couldn't pretend to want to be with someone while I'm still in love with my ex, so god knows how long I'll be single for. But that's ok - I actually love spending time alone.

 

silverbirch - hello again! I remember your support from last time I was kicking around these boards. It must have been right around the time when you were in your haze of shock. It's great to see you more positive now. Your kind words about being positive I will love again very touching.

 

So far I have been ok, but again, I'm pretty sure this is me in the denial bubble, and the pain is to come. I'm just trying to be patient with myself and very, very kind to myself.

 

This does all make us stronger people, though, right? We end up learning from this? And surviving this will make us realise how strong we really are. When he came back to me after the first breakup I remember feeling a little bit like I'd 'cheated' in getting my happiness back. I hadn't earned it by really getting over him, if that makes sense. Well, I guess now is my chance to do this for real again (great ... thanks for that, Universe).

[Notagoodninja]

I was wondering, if anxiety comes when you somehow know in your spirit or soul that your ex is doing something bad?

Hear me out...

I go up and down like some days great other days bad...and the past week was great then BAAM tonight this bad feeling washes over me, like a knife in my gut..I felt I'd been stabbed in my soul/spirit but not physically. I get this gut wrenching pain and this sick feeling, I couldn't do anything...couldn't watch TV...couldn't dress for bed...couldn't take my vitamins and drink my orange juice....ended up in the shower letting hot water fall on me and I was too sick to cry. The pain lasted like a good 90 minutes!!! This has happened about 2 or 3 times since the break up. Do you guys have any idea where this kind of thing is coming from???? Surely it's not just a normal part of the grieving and healing process. Is it possible to still have connections with our sig. others somehow. IT's almost like my spirit/soul knew something was going on, it felt like maybe he was having sex with someone else or something, WEIRD.

I kept trying to reason with myself in my brain to turn off the horrible feeling. I kept reasoning over and over and telling myself it's OK and that people move on, I also tried to tell myself he could just be watching TV at home but no, this sick horrible knife like sensation was piercing into my gut ripping at me.

And the sad thing is, I am never going to be with him ANYWAY so why was my body/soul/mind doing this number on me?

 

To explain more of the pain, it was this gut wrenching agony this piercing pain that made me literally nauseas but it was not a physical pain nothing was hurting in my body!! It was a spiritual type of pain that's all I can explain. Does this happen to all of you- what is this pain and is it normal and why does it come? It made me kind of keel over, I couldn't even focus I couldn't breathe almost. But it wasn't an anxiety attack I don't think, because although I was experiencing anxiety I was experiencing a sensation of intense grief and loss. Almost as if I got a phone call saying my best friend had died. It ripped through me dropping me to my knees. Again, it was so bad I couldn't even cry, I wanted to cry but I couldn't I felt like I was in shock.

[Notagoodninja]

I'm also mentioning that in this girls post because she is asking how long it takes...for me this is week 7 no contact