Daev Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Hi all, I posted my original post here about my break up. However, in summary, I left my ex (yes I was the dumper) of 2.5 years because I couldn't cope with his attitude or behaviour anymore. I experienced very indirect emotional abuse, and in the end I felt pretty worthless and unloved. My ex told me so many lies, and made me doubt myself. He excluded me from various areas of his life, and made me feel neurotic and 'over the top' for questioning him. I never walk away from anything, and tried so many times to sit down and tell him how his behaviour affected me, and as I said he would either a. turn it on me and make me feel like I was going crazy, or b. things would change for about 2 days. Anyway, I managed 5 weeks of no contact. I have recently been feeling very low, and missing what I had. It sounds crazy that I miss it, but even the company and the *knowing* that you have someone there who accepts you and loves you.... To think I walked away from that to be on my own.. Anyway it got too much and below is a series of text messages we exchanged... Me: It has been 5 weeks since we spoke, you were a big part of my life, and I don't think I want to cut you out of my life completely. Please at least lets keep in touch, and keep each others phone numbers. I hope you're okay, and taking care of yourself. (I didn't even know if he would reply) Him: I am glad you text, I miss you terribly, I keep going to talk to you where you used to sit, and realising you're not there hurts. The weekends are the hardest. I even check traffic accident reports to make sure your car isn't involved, because I still worry. (I was crying at this point thinking, I have walked away from something - where two people clearly have *feelings* for each other, I am such a bad person for walking away) Anyway, the messages went on, he said he still has some of my stuff, and I am going to pick it up on Monday, so I will see him face to face. My question is... Should I have broke 'no contact'? (The way I left was, I packed my stuff and left his house when he was at work, I felt I had to do it this way because if I had talked to him face to face - like I had tried so many times in the past - he would have turned it all on me and made me feel even worse... I felt I needed to escape Should I stop contact? Should I not go and pick my stuff up? I feel hurt that he is hurting so much (but I wonder if this is just a manipulation because he knows I am a caring person). And part of me, a really sick part, just wants to run back to the 'security' of being with him. Even though I know there are many problems. Sigh!! This is a bit long winded, so anyone who takes the time to reply with their thoughts, I would really appreciate it. Thanks Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Where's your list Daev? Have you still got the list? You broke NC, probably no, you shouldn't have. But I bet 99% of people do so don't worry too much about it okay. Yes he's hurting, and he's upset, but has he taken any responsibility for the break down of the relationship? Has anything been said/asked from his side about the reasons behind it? If you are still adamant that the relationship has to be over then go back to no contact. And IMO, unless something has drastically changed from your original thread, that would be best long term. You will feel low and upset, it completely normal. 5 weeks is no time at all. If you think there is a chance he will draw you in if you see him face to face then either ask a friend to pick up your stuff or ask that he drops it off at a friends house for you to pick up. Link to comment
GreenCupcake Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Hey there. I think it's important that you don't forget how he treated you. What are you hoping to accomplish by meeting him? Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Since you were the dumper, if you don't want to get back together with him, you should not contact him. You should try to find another person to get your stuff for you. I agree with the other poster who said "don't forget how he treated you". If you got back together, it would eventually be back to the same as it was. There are exceptions to this, but they are few and far between. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Write down all the reasons you ended it. Everytime you miss him or feel like going back. Read them. You made the right decision. Loneliness isnt a reason to be treated poorly. Eventually you'll learn how to be happy without him and wonder why you ever missed him. Link to comment
toby17 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I don't think you should break no contact to get your stuff back, it's too soon. If you're not sure about the breakup - as opposed to this being momentary weakness - go and speak to someone professionally about what happened in the relationship. Get a second, independent and knowledgable opinion about whether things can be different and what you and your ex would have to do. Until then, no contact. The contact will only weaken your resolve and could see you give in and the two of you have no real answers for how to make thing different. Link to comment
Daev Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Hi all, thanks for taking the time to respond I appreciate it. Flyingpiglet: I always like your advice lol, you are very wise. As for my list, I have purposely not looked at it recently, I think to avoid talking myself out of meeting him. My heart wants to go, but my head is saying 'no no no'. I kinda wanted to meet him for 'closure', but maybe I am fooling myself, and my subconscious has an ulterior motive lol. I still have the weekend to decide what I'm going to do, so I'm going to think it through really carefully. Greencupcake: I think it is really easy to forget the bad things, and look back with rose coloured glasses. I guess I want to go back and see him because I do miss him. He wasn't always such a monster.. I feel like he was such a big part of my life and just to never speak to him again really cuts me up. But maybe I am being selfish and not thinking about his feelings, as he seems to really miss me Forumguy: I think that's my biggest fear - that I would go back and nothing would change. I realise change isn't easy, but with proper communication and compromise I believe it can... Although they have never been his strong points, so I'm not sure he is capable of that. And yes I *was* the dumper, but I didn't want to end it, I felt I had to for my own sanity. I did everything to try and save the relationship at the time. SapphireNoir10: I actually did a list, it went on for 7 pages (LOL) of all of the things he did which included lies, manipulation, thoughtlesness etc. When I read it, I just get really angry, and I hate feeling like I am fuelled on anger, and that's partly why I contacted him, to make things amicable, but of course it seems like it might be slipping from amicable in to something else. I've still got a couple of days before the 'meet' to thing things over. toby17: You speak a lot of sense! And it probably is too soon in the grand scheme of things.. Maybe I just need to let myself grieve and feel the pain, god it's hard Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I would strongly advice against going to meet up with him just yet. From his manipulative behavior previous, I would worry that he will draw you in and convince you that he has changed for the better during your time apart. Don’t kid yourself that its closure you’ll be getting… I’m of the opinion that closure is a fantasy that few of us realize in these situations… Closure is an excuse to keep going back trying to find the answer you hope for by asking the same question again and again… Closure is something that comes from within, something you can only truly get from yourself You have already pulled out all the stops for this guy, how bad does he have to treat you before you accept that it isn’t selfish of you to put yourself and your feelings before his. I get the feeling that after all this, you would eventually like reconciliation with the guy you first fell in love with right? But you can’t force him to change; he has to do that for himself! Missing you isn't enough. Has he even acknowledged any of the reasons why you left? Basically, until you are certain you will be strong enough to walk away a second time, make it easier on yourself and keep away! Link to comment
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