Girlfriend trust issues and other things

[Sako]

So to start off I have to say I'm sorry but English isn't my main language so bare with me.

 

I'm currently dating this girl for 5 months and I love her to death, but our relationship definitely has been problematic and not all that smooth so far. To start things off in the first month of our relationship we were hanging out just walking around at night like 1am in the morning and suddenly her phone started ringing non-stop for about 20 times. She told me that it was her X and that she will deal with it. Of course I wasn't too happy with this little incident and I let her know exactly how I feel and that something like that cannot happen if we are going to date further. She agreed and said she will fix it and that there is absolutely nothing going on between them.

 

Well about a week later I find out that they are still talking with each other via text messages or at least she claims that its only via text messages and that they only ask each other how things are going etc, well I thought that was fine but then on the same day she gets a text message from another guy who is asking her is she naked... Well too me that sort of thing isn't funny at all and very disrespectful because we have been dating for a month and we already had a little incident so I would think she would have no problem with me being upset about that text message. Well she decides to defend him and is all like. He's just a friend and its just for fun and later on I finally get through her and she texts that friend something like don't text me something like that again because my boyfriend finds it disrespectful and he replies to her that I'm boring etc... Well at this point I'm very offended by him and I'm letting her know my feelings and then she breaks up with me telling me that I'm too jealous etc etc.. I start walking back home and she stays behind to call someone. Well 5 minutes later she runs to me and apologizes and is like well I just talked to him and asked him to stop doing this and he just pretty much said something along the lines that he won't stop etc and that she was shocked because she really thought they were friends...

 

A bit later on I discover another interesting thing about her. She has a guy friend who texts her every night "good night", "sweet dreams", "nightey" at like 1-2 am in the morning and she texts him back the same thing... After everything that has happened I don't feel very comfortable with this and I bring this up to her attention. Well her explanation is pretty much that he is a good friend and this is just something they have been doing for a long time now and that its like a habit. Well I ask her if she could stop doing that and instead just talk to her friend during the day because it just doesn't seem right to text another guy sweet dreams at 2am in the morning while you are with me. She at first agrees but then the next day calls me and tells me that she can't do that because her friend doesn't really agree and that she doesn't want to choose between me and him... Well at the first place why would her "just a good friend" put her into a situation in which she should have to choose me or his friendship. Why can't they just be friends and talk during the day and go for a coffee or something from time to time? But anyways I tell her that I love her and that I understand that he is a good friend and that for now this won't bother me but I explain to her that if we ever are to live together that just can't happen and she agrees with me...

 

Now at around 2 months into our relationship I find out about this old 50 year old man who's a father of her friend and she tells me that he liked her and that he told her daughter that he would love to go out with her and stuff. And a bit later on I find out that she actually went with this man and his daughter and his young son on a trip and he was pretty much with her all the time and when they were watching movies he was next to her and had his arms around her and stuff and he did admit his feelings to her before the trip and stuff so she knew what she is getting into. Anyways long story short she is still friends with this man and that stuff just creeps me out and I tell her she needs to stop being friends with a man like that and that I don't feel comfortable at all... Anyways she kinda fought with me on this subject for a while but later on she told me she will stop communicating with him etc..

 

Now lets fast forward about 2 months and were dating for a little over 4 months now and she was staying at my place and using my laptop and stuff and accidentally she left her email open and didn't log out and she left for home. Well I was a bit curious to say the least after everything that we have been through so I kinda peeked at her email and to my surprise I find several emails from her X with email title being "baby cakes and kissy faces" the email was blank and some college projects were attached to it, but the email date was after the 20 phone call night and after she promised me to take care of things with him and that nothing inappropriate is going on with him. So at this point I'm pretty angry and so I decide to do a full investigation to see if I can find something else. And of course I do! I find a conversation with the old man after she promised me that she wont talk to him. The conversation itself didnt seem to bad, but he was kinda hinting in the conversation that he is a sugar daddy and there was something about sugar babies and stuff like that. Also I find pictures of her pretty much naked and those pictures were dedicated to her X, but the emails of that date back like 3-4 years before us so I can live with that, but still those emails are saved in a separate folder and the folder was recently updated so she definitely knew those pictures were there...

 

Anyways after all of this I of course am very man and I bring this up to her attention and she breaks up with me and later on gets back together with me and tells me that she will change and stuff like that wont happen again and so on and so forth. Well currently my trust is kinda crushed with her and she tells me she is willing to work with me and rebuild my trust over time, but then when I ask her to show my phone and stuff she kinda gets upset and when I question things she gets upset as well. And finally today she was texting with some guy and I asked well where did this guy come from. She told me that he accidentally called her and she then texted to him whats up? Well I asked if I could see her phone and the call was missing. She told me that the call doesn't get saved when she declines the call... Well I'm somewhat of a tech guru and I can definitely tell that she is lying... So I call her phone from my phone and decline the call with her phone and of course the call shows up in missed calls. And later on she admits she lied to me... SO I'm like if you are lying about little things like this constantly then what else are you lying about. And why would you lye about something so little anyways...

 

Here is some more background info about her.. She was very secretive from the get go. She used to say like if I went through her phone and stuff we would break up. Well that has changed a bit as she has become more open but she does some weird stuff like she always deletes her text messages and her call history and her facebook messages... It's just weird...

 

Anyways breaking up is of course the easy route, but the problem is I really love this girl. Like I truly truly love her. I was in a long 6 year relationship before her and I definitely know that what I'm feeling with her is true. I can already say that I love this girl more then I loved the girl that I was in a relationship for 6 years. And I can say when we are good and not fighting we are like a match made in heaven. Everything seems smooth and we have a lot of things in common and just in general everything is great! But her shady past and secrecy and lying is just killing us. It doesn't seem like she is willing to regain my trust over time and she wants results right now...

 

Anyways what do you guys think I should do? Has anyone been in something similar? Any advice will help! Thank you! And sorry if its a bit of a long read

[RedDress]

First... don't ever apologize for your English. It's fantastic!

 

This girl has shown you who she is. Repeatedly. She clearly has a need to keep in contact with other men and to flirt (at minimum). This isn't going to change no matter how mad you get at her or how many times she promises she is going to change. It just won't.

 

Your first step is to see her for who she is. By the way - you can't love someone unless you see and accept both their good and their bad. This is part of her bad and you are trying not to see it.

 

Then you have a choice. You can choose to see her for who she is and accept her (ie: find a way to be ok with the other guys, maybe make your relationship "open") OR you can break up with her. Those really are your choices. Don't think you can change her. She doesn't want to change. She's showed you that. Repeatedly.

[eternalsunrise]

She doesn't sound like the girl you really want to be with. You can't pick and choose parts of a person. You have to accept her whole self. You are focusing in on her good qualities to the detriment of ignoring the ones that are going to seriously hurt you in the long run. It's probably time to move on. If she ever changes her ways, I don't think it will be any time soon. You deserve better.

[Sako]

Thank you for the feedback so far. Also I forgot to mention I'm 24 she's 21 and that's why I find it a bit weird that she actually went with a man that's more then old enough to be her father. And that actually happened when she was 19 or so and they still talk and chat on internet. Also he's a doctor and she says that she is keeping him around because just in-case she has an emergency medical problem or something... She also gave a similar reasoning for why she kept her X around it was because he was helping her with college projects etc and she claims that actually she told him to stop writing emails with titles "baby cakes, kissy faces", but I have a hard time believing her since there were 4 or so emails like that and they were not on the same day.

 

Also here is couple just yes or no questions to fellow forum readers, I just kinda wanna find out whats the norm for everyone else and am I over reacting or no. So here it goes:

 

1. Guys or girls Would you be okay if your girlfriend/boyfriend had a friend of opposite sex who texted almost every night to each other at 1-2am "good night", "sweet dreams"?

 

2. Would you be okay if your significant other had several X's as friends and still talked to them and even hanged out with them?

 

3. Now same question as #2 except that she has shared information with you such as with one of the X's she had a threesome in the past. About another X she shares information with you such as that he was very good looking and that he had a six pack. And with another one she is still friends because she just can't get rid of him because he is suicidal over her...

 

4. Would you be okay if your significant other had a person in their life significantly older then them and talked to them from time to time. Lets say she's 21 and the man is 50. And the man clearly stated that he would like to be with her.

 

5. And in general would you be okay if your significant other had a bunch of opposite sex friends that pop up from time to time and just ask how is she doing etc etc?