What is going on? Advice severely needed.

[Ranon]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to be posting in but I'm going to give this a shot.

 

I like someone and they like me. If only it were that simple.

Here is the background knowledge for everyone (summarized as best as possible):

 

-I broke up with someone I was in a relationship with because I was unhappy and this person helped me do it.

 

-This person made it obvious they were interested in me at the time, I was confused about my feelings because although this person was awesome to hang around with and very charming they didn't seem committed. They always seemed to have someone on the side.

 

-I informed this person of my feelings for them and asked them how they felt. I was met with little interest which lead me to believe that this person did not actually like me.

 

-Because of this I told this person I just wanted to be friends because it obviously wouldn't work out.

 

-I started 'seeing' someone else and this person became apparently upset.

 

-The reason I started 'seeing' someone else was because this person never acted on their feelings they claimed to have for me. Except I made clear to the person I was 'seeing' that I didn't want sex or a relationship from them.

 

-The someone else I was 'seeing' and I are no longer seeing each other. The person I am writing this about is now seeing someone else.

 

I was fine until my close ad respected friend told me tonight that it is obvious this other person still has feelings for me and that if they didn't react to them earlier it was because they were scared.

 

So my question is.. And my problem. Should I confront this other person about their feelings and find out what is really going on? Should I confess that I still have feelings for them? Is it even appropriate to do so at this stage? And if I were to confront and confess to them would it be unwise to enter a relationship with them anyway if they could not make the initial commitment?

 

What is going on. I need some outside advice, please help.

[nutbrownhare]

And if I were to confront and confess to them would it be unwise to enter a relationship with them anyway if they could not make the initial commitment?

This ^^^. It's possible to be very attracted to people without wanting a relationship with them - or, indeed, being able to commit to a relationship with them.

 

Your friend has had the opportunity to start a relationship with you. He/she didn't take it. If they felt scared before, there's nothing in your post to suggest that they'd feel any less scared now. Actually, the 'reason' for not starting a relationship when it was offered is irrelevant really. The fact that the opportunity was there and they didn't take it is all you need to know.

 

I can understand the desire to explore all the 'what ifs', but you would be better off grieving for your last unhappy relationship (even if you were relieved it had ended) and moving on from both of these people.

 

Good luck!

[Ranon]

It's possible to be very attracted to people without wanting a relationship with them - or, indeed, being able to commit to a relationship with them.

 

The fact that the opportunity was there and they didn't take it is all you need to know.

 

 

The first point you made I think is very strong and how I felt when I claimed that me and this person should just stay friends. It's hard to believe how much I actually do care about this person, I believe the reason this is such a shock for me now is because I had convinced myself that they were not interested in me. The things I did and the way I spoke so openly about things with them really bothers me when I realize that it could have been hurtful for them to hear since it was pertaining to me and someone else (of course me and this person I like are also good friends so I didn't think this was unusual).

 

I do think you are right though, and that it is better for me to move on then dwell on this and possibly convince myself to throw myself at this person again only to be either not taken seriously or rejected. I suppose it bothers me more that I don't understand, I can't understand why they wouldn't make a move or mention any of their feelings to me.

In a slight way I almost feel like I have been played a fool, is this wrong?

[nutbrownhare]

In a slight way I almost feel like I have been played a fool, is this wrong?

To be honest and within my experience, it's very, very rare that someone deliberately sets out to 'play' someone else - though it might not feel like that to the person who set out in all sincerity and then gets rejected.

 

It's much more likely that the person you describe meant everything he/she said at the time but has conflicting emotions in certain areas, is unable to deal with others in an open and honest way (this is often borne out of fear rather than deliberate malice) and is more comfortable keeping people at a distance. I doubt this is any different with the other person in their current relationship. This isn't about you - it's about them and their issues, so keep it that way.

 

I've had close friends of the opposite sex (I'm heterosexual) with whom I'd never have a relationship because of the way they treated their partners - though they were wonderful friends. Yes, and some of them had feelings for me, too. Doesn't mean it would be a good idea to do anything about it!

[Ranon]

Wow, you are a complete eye opener. You're right, it is not about me and it was silly for me to assume that. You really gave me a lot of insight into my friend (in such a short response to, its amazing). I sincerely think you just helped me understand them a bit more. Thank you a bunch.