Trying to heal... Having him around is making it difficult!

[afinefrenzy]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first post, and I've read through the rules/FAQs, but I apologize if I'm doing something wrong! It always takes a little while to get used to new forums.

 

Really, I just need a place to write out my though process and maybe get some feedback! I apologize, because this will probably be a lengthy post! I just need to get it all out.

 

I guess I should start off by giving something of an extra back-story to my whole break-up.. I had been dating my boyfriend for about a year (but good "friends" for two years), when I got an offer to go live in France for two months/the summer. Of course I accepted, but he wasn't too happy about it. Before I left, he made me promise that I wouldn't let the trip affect our relationship, and that we wouldn't break-up because of the distance. I guess I was stupid to do it, but of course I agreed. Fast forward to when I come back... Really, it wasn't all that difficult, thanks to Skype and the like. About two weeks after I got back, he left on a 4 day trip with the youth group we volunteer with. Again, I thought things were going well. I now know that he used the week to "test" me and see whether or not I would contact him while he was away. Now of course, being that I knew he'd be busy and I didn't want to distract him from what I thought was a little more important than constantly texting him all day, I didn't worry too much about keeping in touch with him. It was four days! I didn't think it was that big of a deal. We still talked, but I didn't smother him. Well apparently, to him, it was a big deal. He broke up with me (might I add, at midnight after I had worked a 12 hour day) the night after he got back from the trip, saying at the time that he'd had "a lot of time to think while he was away." (And of course, I didn't while I was away for two months living in a foreign country, and quite lonely.)

 

The breakup itself wasn't too ugly, and we had always said that if we broke up, we didn't want to try to be friends... So that wasn't really even a question, and we both went our separate ways, and I was doing fine getting over him. Then, about two weeks later, he started "talking" to another girl, and two weeks after that, made it Facebook official. Everything kind of came crashing down after that - I feel very hurt and betrayed by the whole situation, still. He swears up and down that this was not the case, but I really get the feeling that the two of them might have been "talking" before he even broke up with me, because they were both on the trip together. Also because when they all got back from their trip, I went to pick up my brother from the bus, and tried to talk to BF, but he went off and decided to talk to that girl instead.

 

Most of all, I find myself blaming myself for the breakup, even though that might not have actually been the case - I'm lonely, and convinced that no one else is ever going to want me. On top of that, his family LOVES this girl. They think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Meanwhile, they never liked me, because they thought I was too "quiet" - in reality, they never even tried to get to know me, despite my attempts to get to know them.

 

Unfortunately, he and I work and volunteer at the same places, attend the same church, have various mutual friends, etc. So, I'm basically around him (and, sometimes, him and his new girlfriend) all the time even though I'd prefer not to be. Occasionally, he tries to awkwardly start conversations with me, which I hate. I don't understand why he doesn't get the picture that I DON'T want to talk to him! Having to be around him all the time is making it really difficult to get over the bitterness I feel towards him and his girlfriend. But, I refuse to get a new job/volunteer position just because he's there. I was there first, and enjoy what I do. I don't WANT him being there to affect me anymore, but it does. According to what he told a mutual friend, he thinks that we should be able to be around each other and talk, without it being awkward. Maybe that will come after a longer amount of time, but for the foreseeable future, I just don't see that happening... Why doesn't he see how much this has hurt me? I mean, I haven't exactly been vocal about it, because I don't want to play the victim, and I don't want to make it awkward for the people who have to be around us. But, I think we've known each other long enough that he should probably be able to understand the extent to which he has hurt me by this, and therefore WHY I don't exactly want to be chummy with him, yet...

 

How can I handle this? I don't want him to think that I'm hurt/upset/angry because I'm not over him... Because I AM over him. There's no way I'd ever want to even date him again... But we dated for a good amount of time, and it's difficult to suddenly see him move onto someone else (especially an "upgraded" version of yourself) so quickly. Help!

[Awoken]

You still have a lot of healing to go. No one can just 'get over' their ex in a few days or weeks even. The ones who say they do are usually falling into the arms of someone else to take away the loneliness that you are feeling.

 

There will be an array of emotions you will be feeling right now, let them come out, don't try to hold them in. Talk to your family and friends and maybe even your preist if you feel comfortable with that, counsellors are great too. Get all your feelings out so you can clear your mind and make better decisions.

 

Having him around while you are trying to heal makes it even harder so you need to find other places to do your volunteer work. Yes you were there first, but he isn't going to go and you don't want him to know how crap he is making you feel. So find another place soon. Get working on making yourself feel better and get on the pathway to healing yourself. You are obviously relgious too so praryer may help also. Good luck my friend

[toby17]

You need to avoid him as much as possible even if you shouldn't have to.

 

And continue to not let him or anyone else think it affects you.

 

Of course he thinks it should be okay. He just jumped to someone else.

[afinefrenzy]

Thanks, you two!

 

I'm definitely trying to work on avoiding him as much as I can...