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Need advice on overcoming issues with intimacy.


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21/M with a great 21/F, seen each other exclusively for 5 months official for a few weeks.


A little background. Dated someone in the past for 3 years. We had different views on intimacy. I felt it could bring couples closer together, and relieve stress, in general that it's something to be enjoyed. My ex had some bad experiences in the past and as a result was somewhat conflicted about intimate matters. Long story short, my ex imposed her beliefs about intimacy on a younger, more naive me. In hindsight we really should have just admitted we didn't see eye to eye on the matter and moved on, as it is an important point to agree upon with your significant other. I let myself get guilt-tripped and walked all over for so long because it was my first relationship and I was disillusioned. Never had sex the whole time, only minor fooling around and even then that raised a lot of problems. I think she may have been messing with my head on some level because she cheated on me.


Fast forward a year after that relationship was over and I've met an awesome girl. Though we're kinda different at first glance, we really connected and made things official not too long ago.


I feel affection is best communicated to me physically. Everything from innocent hand-holding to passionate sex. My girlfriend enjoys the same things and it's thrilling to have a healthy relationship in this regard. However, my past relationship still sort of haunts me in that a certain feeling of guilt washes over me about intimate acts, despite enjoying them. I got so used to not being able to initiate, or expecting a pending mood swing after I brought her to climax as she would apparently change her mind about being "into" the shenanigans. I think she may have been messing with my head on some level because she cheated on me


Now, even with a girl who is comfortable with sexuality and intimacy, and moreover WANTS to experience those things with me, I'm still hung up on how things used to be. When things heat up, it's incredible, but I still have an underlying feeling of guilt even though there is nothing wrong. I guess I sort of feel like something "should" be wrong because of how I was conditioned previously. It in turn affects my performance and ability to thoroughly enjoy myself (and moreover finish).


After the boots have been knocked, I get really uneasy at a time where I want to relax and just enjoy being next to my lover. I've told my gf about all of this, and she was very understanding, she even goes out of her way to reassure me that I needn't worry. I'm still having trouble kicking all the feelings to the curb and still get really nervous during and after.


My gf has been really great about this, but I know that catering to my needs like this will get old fast; lack of confidence isn't sexy. Has anyone overcome similar hang-ups in their sex lives? How do I deal with this without putting my feelings on her anymore than I already have?

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