an understanding letter

[violet456]

Hi everyone,

 

I've posted a few threads on here before and found it has been so helpful when i have noone to turn to or anyone who would understand the situation i have been in. We were together 4yrs where we lived together for 3.5yrs, its been 6 months since the BU but we havent gone more than 1-2 weeks without contact - we both had NC, NIC now its LC. when we broke up i chased, begged, cried for a second chance and of course he pulled away. it was when i stopped, took a long hard look at myself and changed myself for the better (more confident, less insecure and generally more understanding) when he came back and initiated contact.

lately we have been in regular contact, i am more supportive of his work (as i was against it when we were together) and hes being more open to talking with me. he said he is over work, so tired and just sad. its awful to hear. he says it would be so nice to fall asleep and cuddle me and that its been good just talking.

 

its so hard isnt it? you have been so close with this one person and now you have no idea where you stand with them. you dont want to come accross as needy by directly coming out and saying 'where are we?' because i understand he needs time to deal with his own issues. so i wrote this letter, im not sure but i felt good writing it, i just dont know whether to send it, i might leave it for a few days.

 

"You are the most important person I have come to know in my life. I miss you so. I understand why we are here, why it came to this. After seeing how I treated you I would have left myself too, it was the only way for both of us to get back ourselves. I wish we didn’t fall apart, that I hurt you so, I cant believe I hurt you when it was the last thing I ever wanted.

I didn’t let you be the person you completely wanted to be, I held you back with your friends, your work, it breaks my heart to know I did such things because the trust we shared fell apart. I’m sorry for this because I am also over-critical of the things I have done and I am thankful for learning this, even if I have lost you forever. It is truly the saddest part of me to know that I have lost you, I know what we had was not always perfect, it would have been beautiful if I supported you and what you wanted more because its about sharing each other’s hopes and dreams.

You deserve to be happy, to excel at work, to hang with your friends without worry. I just wish things were different, I miss sharing that closeness with you. There is noone in this world that I see that will compare to your grace.

I hope your ok, you are so hard-working, it would be so lovely to share your thoughts and melt your stresses away.

I promise with all my heart to never hurt you. If there is one day you feel you can work thru this together and start again, would be truly amazing to share with you."

 

just wondering what you all think from an outside perspective.

 

thanks for your help

[FaithfulHeart]

great letter! it sounds like you are really gaining strength & clarity in this process...possibly growing up a bit too!

 

whatever relationship you enter into again in the future, with him or some other lucky guy, it will be better, because you will be better!

 

keep up the good work. keep posting!

[purplekangaroo]

Hi, violet.

 

I got a lot of help in this forum a lot when going through a bad break-up several years ago, and I like to come back now and again and "pay it forward." Your post resonates with my experiences.

 

If I were you, I would go ahead and send the letter with the "I know I screwed x, y, and z" parts, and "I'm sorry." I would leave out any mention of a rejuvenated relationship or any thoughts of "you're the best one for me." The former generates pressure, and the latter cannot be substantiated.

 

For me, looking back on what I'd screwed up was awful, and apologizing for it actually made me feel better. I wrote a letter with similar substance to yours above. Years have passed, and I am not with the man and we are not in regular contact. (That may not end up being the case for you, but I think it's important to recognize that non-reconciliation is the most common outcome in these circumstances.) Do I regret the heartfelt apology and expressed self-awareness? Not in the least - it really helped me process the situation, and I do believe it changed his opinion of me for the better. Do I regret the suggestion of a reconciliation? Maybe - because often, what they see as wrong is not the same thing we do, and they don't care about your improvements because they are simply not relevant.

 

Just something to think about. I think it's best to think about these things from the perspective of "What will look best to me years down the road, regardless of outcome?" Good luck to you.

[bdbmwer]

I as a random male, would be thrilled to receive something like this, IF you were the dumper. However , if you are the dumpee then sure writing down things like this feels great because it lets get all lovey dovey and say everything weve been repressing but its not always the best path. Trust me I did it and my ex used it as a tool that reminded her of why she dumped me and it wasnt nearly as heartwarming as this ust neutral but welcoming.

 

 

As an outsider looking in this letter places WAY too much blame on yourself. You want to portray self confidence and worth but in this letter you are basically accepting all blame for the downfall of the relationship, which if you truly used your away time to heal youll know he played a part in it too.A brief apology for "your part" in general is A ok but id advise nothing beyond that. In this letter you are essentially giving away all the power youve built up and if this letter does end up making him come back then hell be the one calling the shots and you will be constantly striving to impress him and "prove" how youve changed and you may have even really changed but chances are given enough time the same problems will rise again unless youve truly worked on yourself.

 

Is that the kind of relationship you want? or do you want one where youre messages are inviting of responses but not bluntly and he takes the initiative to step back towards you so that you are on level ground?

[Mellie]

Would it feel natural to say it face to face? If so, that's a better option. At least that way you have some kind of measure as to how well it's received and whether you want to continue. Letters are a great way to get it all out of your system, but I don't think they should always be sent. You can't take those words back again. And I'm sure it wasn't quite so one sided as that reads. These things rarely are. I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

 

If you really want to let him know you've learnt and changed, it's better to show him, not tell him. And are you actually saying anything new in there? If it's all been said, there's really no need to repeat it again.

[Awoken]

I'm in a similar situation. My ex left me for lots of different issues with me, which I take responsibility for. She also left for another guy. Not sure if this has happened in your situation. The letter is a wonderful idea but I think you should shorten it down and maybe just focus on a couple of things that you are 'working' on. Keep the I miss you and love you stuff out. He most likely dosen't want to hear that kind of stuff...yet. If you want to take things slow I feel this would be the best way. Short, sharp and honest. Lovey dovey stuff will develop once he starts feelng safer around you (emotionally safer). But just be patient.

[bdbmwer]

I'm in a similar situation. My ex left me for lots of different issues with me, which I take responsibility for. She also left for another guy. Not sure if this has happened in your situation. The letter is a wonderful idea but I think you should shorten it down and maybe just focus on a couple of things that you are 'working' on. Keep the I miss you and love you stuff out. He most likely dosen't want to hear that kind of stuff...yet. If you want to take things slow I feel this would be the best way. Short, sharp and honest. Lovey dovey stuff will develop once he starts feelng safer around you (emotionally safer). But just be patient.

mine that i described above also left me for another guy. hopefully youre not blaming yourself for too much buddy because what we have to also realize is that when they begin emotionally investing in another, things that arent really a problem or maybe even are good traits can begin to annoy them as they look for a way out.

[violet456]

i guess i wanted to send this as he sent me one.

 

"i hope you understand i wasn't lonely or bored, i genuinely was looking just to hang out etc, You can kinda understand I was really shocked you bought me a present and what a present by the way, I mean thank you so much for it, it really does make me happy you did that. I really really hope you dont cut me off completely, I didnt ask you to leave the other night, you did that by yourself, i understand you had to leave and its ok, but it gets crazy when we hang out. its good seeing you and i enjoy your company because its like waaaaayyyyy back at the start again for me. and i mean yea we got carried away and i stopped when you asked me if i would hurt you, i thought i couldnt say no i wouldnt, because i just couldnt guarantee that.. so thats why i just held you, i dont blame you for it continuing because i went with it but i did stop.

I understand if you do cut me loose, it'll hurt and for a second dont pity me or something when i say that, i dont expect you to but its hypercritical of me to ask or say that when i did the same to you.. but i do want you to be happy and i do think of you and you probably know me better than anyone, i am still that person that puts everyone else first, and im not out to screw people over.. I may have gone away from that lately because i snapped a few weeks ago from people taking advantage of me being the only nice guy here but its not who i want to be.

im kinda rambling but its a feeble attempt at apologising for being a * * * * , thats how i feel and i know this because i am over-critical of every little thing i do and never let myself forget about it. i would be amazed if you reply, let alone accept this * * * * ty excuse for an apology.

im sorry"

 

we have been in contact since this but we have never approached it or talked about the relationship. when we hang out we just watch movies and its like old times again. so i dont really know what to do.

[bdbmwer]

well seems like youre in a great situation where hes chasing you so I see no need to send anything? let him sweat a little bit it only increases your appeal! just dont give off negative vibes. Be inviting of this kind of oppenness from him but you dont have to mirror it just because he does. If youre hanging out just like old times then do just that and let things take their natural course and dont rush things =)

[violet456]

i guess its hard because he does seek me out when he is sad, tired and lonely and i know i am just being an emotional crutch for him - like many others have been put thru - however i wasnt really there for him during the relationship. when he was having a problem with work i wouldnt really listen and if he wanted to go out with his friends i would get mad because i thought it was pulling him away from me as we didnt really see each other due to work and study. all he wanted was some time for himself and i never got that until he broke up with me - thats the drastic step he had to take for me to finally realise. i was so blind to what i wanted.

i didnt put him first, when he always put me first (moving interstate, changing jobs) i was so selfish on my behalf and its so awful to look back on.

i suppose this is why i am being there for him, not chasing his every move and trying to being the sweet and understanding girl he first met.

[Awoken]

mine that i described above also left me for another guy. hopefully youre not blaming yourself for too much buddy because what we have to also realize is that when they begin emotionally investing in another, things that arent really a problem or maybe even are good traits can begin to annoy them as they look for a way out.

 

Agree, thanks for the post bdbmwer Not blaming myself just taking resposibility for my actions not hers

[winniethepooh]

I've posted a few threads on here before

Yes, I'm reading some of them, and getting more confused, not less. So I imagine both of you are very confused. So far this is what I understand:

 

He left you because he was unhappy with the way you behaved.

 

You were heartbroken, you have changed some things about yourself, you are trying to let him know.

 

He has been contacting you, you have been contacting him, you and him have seen each other occasionally since the break-up. You (and him) don't really know what it all means, or where it's going.

 

You want to get back together with him. It's not clear to me what he wants, but it looks like he wants some sort of connection to you.

 

You have written letters to him already.

 

its been 6 months since the BU but we havent gone more than 1-2 weeks without contact - we both had NC, NIC now its LC.

Doesn't sound like much of a break-up. Sounds more like you're both stuck in limbo land not knowing where to go.

 

when we broke up i chased, begged, cried for a second chance and of course he pulled away.

Yeah, that probably wasn't good.

 

it was when i stopped, took a long hard look at myself and changed myself for the better (more confident, less insecure and generally more understanding) when he came back and initiated contact.

That's a good sign if you want to get back together with him.

 

so i wrote this letter, im not sure but i felt good writing it, i just dont know whether to send it, i might leave it for a few days.

So how many letters like this have you written to him?

 

"You are the most important person I have come to know in my life. I miss you so. I understand why we are here, why it came to this. After seeing how I treated you I would have left myself too, it was the only way for both of us to get back ourselves. I wish we didn’t fall apart, that I hurt you so, I cant believe I hurt you when it was the last thing I ever wanted.

I didn’t let you be the person you completely wanted to be, I held you back with your friends, your work, it breaks my heart to know I did such things because the trust we shared fell apart. I’m sorry for this because I am also over-critical of the things I have done and I am thankful for learning this, even if I have lost you forever. It is truly the saddest part of me to know that I have lost you, I know what we had was not always perfect, it would have been beautiful if I supported you and what you wanted more because its about sharing each other’s hopes and dreams.

You deserve to be happy, to excel at work, to hang with your friends without worry. I just wish things were different, I miss sharing that closeness with you. There is noone in this world that I see that will compare to your grace.

I hope your ok, you are so hard-working, it would be so lovely to share your thoughts and melt your stresses away.

I promise with all my heart to never hurt you. If there is one day you feel you can work thru this together and start again, would be truly amazing to share with you."

A minor technical suggestion - use an extra line spacing between paragraphs.

 

Sounds a bit melodramatic. Purplekangaroo made some good suggestions I thought.

 

But really, if it's similar to previous letters, then I'm not sure it's of much use sending another one. However, based on a later post from you, you are sending it as a response to his?

 

i guess i wanted to send this as he sent me one.

 

"i hope you understand i wasn't lonely or bored, i genuinely was looking just to hang out etc, You can kinda understand I was really shocked you bought me a present and what a present by the way, I mean thank you so much for it, it really does make me happy you did that. I really really hope you dont cut me off completely, I didnt ask you to leave the other night, you did that by yourself, i understand you had to leave and its ok, but it gets crazy when we hang out. its good seeing you and i enjoy your company because its like waaaaayyyyy back at the start again for me. and i mean yea we got carried away and i stopped when you asked me if i would hurt you, i thought i couldnt say no i wouldnt, because i just couldnt guarantee that.. so thats why i just held you, i dont blame you for it continuing because i went with it but i did stop.

I understand if you do cut me loose, it'll hurt and for a second dont pity me or something when i say that, i dont expect you to but its hypercritical of me to ask or say that when i did the same to you.. but i do want you to be happy and i do think of you and you probably know me better than anyone, i am still that person that puts everyone else first, and im not out to screw people over.. I may have gone away from that lately because i snapped a few weeks ago from people taking advantage of me being the only nice guy here but its not who i want to be.

im kinda rambling but its a feeble attempt at apologising for being a * * * * , thats how i feel and i know this because i am over-critical of every little thing i do and never let myself forget about it. i would be amazed if you reply, let alone accept this * * * * ty excuse for an apology.

im sorry"

Sounds confusing to me. I don't really know what he's apologising for. I don't know if he just wants to be friends, I don't know if he wants to try again, I don't know if he wants you to leave him alone or not. I wonder if he has any idea of what he wants?

 

we have been in contact since this but we have never approached it or talked about the relationship. when we hang out we just watch movies and its like old times again. so i dont really know what to do.

Ah, well if you don't figure out where you're going with the relationship, then it will go in random directions.

 

Do you know what you want? Do you know what he wants?

 

I don't think you should send your letter, you could say something like this instead.

 

Dear xxxx,

 

Thank you for your letter. I really appreciated it. These are confusing times for both of us. I enjoy spending time with you but I don't enjoy not knowing where this is going and I would like to try and figure that out with you. If you are willing to talk about a relationship to see if we can work on that together, then I would like to do that with you. If you just want to be friends, then I think we need to leave each other alone for a period of time to heal properly before we can consider that.

 

Take care,

violet456

 

You may or may not want to add in an apology for specific things. I can't figure out your story well enough to say if that's a good idea or not, and if you have already apologised, I don't think there's much point in repeating yourself.

 

If you do send something like that, write it again in your own words, otherwise it will look like you did a copy/paste from an internet forum.

 

Wait and see if other people comment, I'm hoping others have more clarity and perspective than I do. I'm not entirely comfortable with my suggestion but I wanted to try and say something other than the usual Go NC, leave him alone, etc etc.

 

And ... if you do reconnect with him to move forwards in a relationship, you still have very difficult times ahead of you to work your way through the confusion. It will be essential for you both to figure out why you were having problems in the relationship in the first place, and how to resolve them. It's not just your fault (I sense that you feel it is?). That might be a strong reason for you and him to part ways and work on yourselves - but I know how painful that is also.

[Mellie]

The letter seems to be getting longer. You really seem to be laying it on heavy with the guilt on your side. The effect of that... It's kind of making you less of a 'prize'. It's basically "I'm here waiting if you should ever deign to want me again. I mean, I know I'm not worth your time, but...". This is a mistake, IMO. People value things they have to work for way higher than what they can pick up for free. There's no challenge there. It's saying "pick me up and put me down again anytime you like". That's not attractive.

 

If you're still in face to face contact, and you've really changed, words on a page mean nothing - he'll be able to see for himself, and decide what he wants to do about it. I think a letter is pushing. Let it unfold naturally. If he wants to talk, go right ahead, but at least face to face you'll have a good indication of what to say and when to stop.

[violet456]

thankyou everyone for you insight, yes i have written letters to him before, however most of them were in the context of ''please we can fix this'' not truly understanding the problems that caused the bu. i havent sent the letter, as it does comes accross as needy and pushy, its just hard we dont talk about it when we used to talk about everything.

 

i guess he just needs time by himself and i can understand that we are both young (I'm 22 and he's 24) so i guess i just need to drift away and try to not think about the whole situation.

 

- i dont know if this is worth mentioning, but 2yrs into the relationship i bu with him - it was less than a week, it was a rash decision on my part, as we moved interstate he would drive 2hrs after work to see me, as he was still working back at his old job waiting for a transfer. i was struggling with the move as i was in a different state all alone and as i didnt see him very much. when i asked him to leave he was heartbroken. he told me when we reconciled that he cried all week when he went home. til this day i dont know why i did it when he was the only person who was doing the best for me, i was so awful to him.

 

i feel this is a catalyst or maybe not where in his mind i treated him terribly and thru all my crying, apologising and changes ive made in myself that its just too hard to start again. the only clear thing he says is that he is not ready for a relationship, but he does seem to miss the comfort of holding each other at night and talking about the stresses of daily life - as when i have seen him this is what we do together.

 

yes i do want to show him the changes, because i was and not to assign all the blame, a horrible girlfriend to him. he always put me first and i walked all over him. i feel like with all the changes he has seen in me cannot erase the things in the past. its hard to see how i acted but a good lesson to learn about myself.

[Mellie]

Violet, Violet. Stop already. Though it's great you can see things you could have handled better, you really have to stop beating yourself over the head with them over and over again. You can't go back in time and put them all right, no matter how much you want to. And even if you could, there's every likelihood it wouldn't fix everything. It really does take two to tango. If one decides they don't want to anymore, it's completely beyond our control. That's the killer. You're papering over the things he did wrong (come on, this is real life and nobody's perfect - get him down off that pedestal - it won't serve you well). You're looking for things you did wrong because you think if you can fix them, it'll all be ok, you can regain control of the situation. But you can't. It's completely out of your hands. It's a horrible feeling, powerlessness, but once you kind of embrace the whole "blowing in the wind" thing, the pressure, the guilt, regret, whatever is lifted.

 

Stop giving yourself such a hard time.

[magnoliatree]

You've been broken up and in touch for 6 months. Believe me, he has had plenty of opportunity to see these changes in action. He doesn't need your apology letter and I dont think it's going to do what you think it will. And given his letter above (where he is acknowledging not being the nicest person), he knows that you are sorry (you bought him a present which he didnt sound altogether uncomfortable with) and it seems pretty clear that he isn't looking to get back together with you at this time. Your letter just seems like you are grovelling and it's not going to make him respect you more, he'll likely respect you less for it. Don't send it.

[violet456]

thanks everyone, yes i am taking too much of the blame upon myself. i really appreciate all your help with this

[magnoliatree]

No problem hunny! Keep writing here and sharing your feelings here. It's much, much safer than sharing them with your ex.

[violet456]

just want to say thankyou to everyone who helped me here. after seeing it from an outside perspective i didnt send the letter and gave him a few days space since we last talked. he has now added me on facebook and texted me last night about a tv show hes now addicted to after i showed him its probably nothing and im not getting my hopes up at all but this whole ordeal has taught me the greatest lesson - patience.

[Eocsor]

I've read through this and all I'd do is advise you to exercise extreme caution. I can't see anything here except one very confused guy who hasn't really said he wants to reconcile. I don't know if you really have much at this stage, so be very careful. This could all blow up in your face.

[violet456]

true. i think ive gotten to a point where im ok if we dont reconcile, because if it doesnt happen it doesnt happen and life goes on. i understand my posts have read opposite but i guess you reach a stage where you cant keep blaming yourself for the past and the best thing is to be happy and move on. i know its up to him so thats why im keeping my distance and acting cool around him. trying to be as careful as i can.

[winniethepooh]

he has now added me on facebook and texted me last night about a tv show hes now addicted to after i showed him

That's not getting back together, that's just dragging out the break-up.

 

and the best thing is to be happy and move on. i know its up to him so thats why im keeping my distance and acting cool around him. trying to be as careful as i can.

Well, good luck with that but I think you should be clear in your own mind about whether you want to get over this, or reconcile, and then focus on the best way to do that. Not be ambivalent about it