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The death of mutual friend has set me back in my recovery


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Hi guys


I did post a few days ago about 'S' sudden death 3 days ago. He was one of my ex's best mates. In summary, split up with my ex-fiance over 10 months ago now.. we were together 6 years, and had a very close circle of friends.


I do consider them mutual friends - I was friends with all of them for a good few years prior to me and my ex even getting together. But, they were closer to him than me so naturally when we split they remained good friends, and i deliberately cut myself off from not just my ex but the friends too, as i felt it was the only way i would move on as quickly as possible. But a few months post break up, i started to miss them so did make friends with them again on facebook and had the occasional chat through the site, but only seen them in person about twice since the breakup - they have been so nice to me though, not hostile just accepted me back with open arms basically - and when i went to explain why i had cut them off they were totally understanding and said I do not even need to say anything, and it was S that described what my ex did the best - lets just say it was a very bad word i cannot repeat lol!


So i started to realise after bumping into our mutual friends that the thing i miss most is the friendship we all shared, had many good times, including with my ex.

This pining i have for them has now been amplified following S's death. I cant explain how gutted I am about this news, but also, it has now made me miss them even more and it is preventing me from concentrating on anything else! I think i am obsessed and going crazy. Am i messed up? I even know my ex has a new girlfriend, and even i have moved on - well i thought i had. I have even started telling myself i can hang out with the again even my ex and his new GF! lArgghhh... i dont think it is because i want to get back with my ex or anything, in fact i know i dont want to be with him... but i want to be friends with them all again...and i am feeling so so sad now without them around. Also, i think with christmas approaching too, we all did a lot of stuff together for christmas - usually christmas eve and always boxing night.


oh man... i feel now I am at my lowest point. Despite the upheaval , the shock when my ex first said them shattering words 'i dont love you', forget all that... this right now feels like the lowest point i have been at post break-up.


I am also so worried this is going to now mess up things with the new man i have been seeing, who has been nothing but a true gent and we were getting on so well up to this point. not seen him yet since 'S' death - spoke a bit on phone, but not seen him... i am worried now .. obviously he will know I am pretty down.. it's bound to affect us. I really really like him... but I have always been one to remain in good contact with friends too and friends are so important to me. As most my friends settled down now the only close friends I have spent a lot of time with are my two best mates, and up until the BU with the ex, these mutual friends.


And i love my 2 best mates too, dont get me wrong. But I just feel like there's now there's this massive missing piece of my heart... a big gaping hole that the friendship I had with our mutual friends once was. It hurts like hell. I actually feel sick and run down from all the crying i have done these past two days.


Someone set me straight please! I know I am being so self absorbed and stupid at the moment and I shouldnt be. So i thought i'd come here and rant as i know someone here will tell me to just fix up!!!! Also I dont really have anyone to talk to about it all, i dont like to impose too much - my mates have other stuff going on and plus i am doing uni work at the moment. So it just helps to come here and get all my worries off my chest.


thank you

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I wouldn't worry about your feelings or think they are strange. My father died suddenly after my BU, so I know how hard it can be. Feel lucky to be alive and live your life accordingly. S would want you to celebrate life. What I did to overcome my Dad's death was to try harder at everything in his honour. I would simply be nicer (not that I am not nice) to random people, try harder at work, look after my Mom in his memory.


Its ok to feel sad, but getting something positive out of this is good as well. My Mother found grief counselling amazing. Anyone can go can go, or start a journal.


You are lucky to have someone new and amazing in you life, so be thankful for this.

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Thank you for your advice sadchick.. in fact it is so similar to the advice S gave me when a close friend of mine died a few yrs ago also a sudden death... i dont know what it is with my circle of friends and sudden deaths,...there's been 3 in 2 yrs now)


Yes, i think i am worrying too much about the past and the future again. i do this now and again. I will go back to how i coped when first broke up with the ex - by taking it one day at a time and living each and every day to the fullest!


You are so right. I am so lucky


Thank you. Once again you guys save the day! xxx

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Thanks lozzy,

Its ok to think and worry and do what you have to do. And, a death can certainly dredge up recently healed relationship wounds. Tme will also heal. Since this all just happened, you haven't even had time to digest everything. When a young person dies it is especially sad-- like a life wasted. At least my Dad was 73. This is even more reason to be thankful for what you do have.


Take care and post often....ENA'ers were amazing when I needed help.

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yeah it is hard when they are young.. thats 3 friends now ages: 37, 40 and 34 that have passed away in last 2 years. so i am now getting very used to the fact we just do not know when our time is up... and after the death of the first two i became more and more determined to live life to the full ..and i came on leaps and bounds recently, entering a totally new phase of my life .... a new flat on my own - first time living alone, and actually quite liking it - the sense of empowerment is amazing! .. and then this new relationship. my friends were all noticing a change in me - more bubbly and confident.


i am sorry for the loss of your father xxx dont matter what age they are when it comes to family that must be...well ... just dont know i am so lucky so far not yet gone through that. - found it hard enough losing friends ... gosh..., so i cant imagine how you got through the BU and then losing your father, my heart goes out to you!!xxx

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