Breaking NC after 10 months to send my condolences?

[lozzy1980]

HI guys...

Had some tragic news last night, one of my ex's best mates died suddenly yesterday. I do still see his mates from time to time,and we've all been very close mates for 6-7 yrs now. One of his other friends contacted me to break the bad news, and i did say then to pass my thoughts on to all of them.

 

But i know that this is gonna rip my ex apart - theyve been friends for many many yrs, since late teens , and they are in early 30s now. they do , sorry did, everything together, holidays, going out, playing xBox live together which used to drive me nuts!!!

 

Thing is, i just want to say how sorry i am and that thinking of him.. it was him that dumped me, and i have pretty much healed and moved on, he has also moved on with a new GF.

 

I just dont know what to do, they all became mutual friends and this is so hard. Also, me and my friends are going the funeral so i'd see him there anyway though i'd keep it very short civil etc. The mate who contacted me also asked us to all go this night next wk that he was really looking forward to but i said no to that, not only due to the ex but i also have a very large uni assignment on at the moment, deadline in 2 wks.

 

So.. if i am going to bump into him at the funeral anyway... shall i send a text .... or is even that not appropriate should it be a card? or nothing at all???

 

I know he hurt me and I knw at the time i said i dont think we can ever be friends again... but that i didnt hate him, ;. and i dont want anything to come of this contact at all. its not like that. i am so upset as it is to hear about this friend's death he was truly a lovely lovely man, and my heart really does go out to my ex cos i know how much he meant to him... this is going to devastate him.

 

Also i lost a close friend a few yrs ago and he was there for me and supported me through hell and back over that. I know he has his mates and new GF for support, i just want to tell him i am sorry... i know when others showed that they cared when my friend died it was some sort of comfort.

 

And if i do send him a message...any ideas what i say???

 

and then i feel a right stupid * * * * * for even stressing over all this when a good man has just died and i know its not about me etc... but still...

 

I welcome your thoughts and any advice - but please be gentle i am pretty upset myself over this news.

 

Thanks

[lozzy1980]

hmmmm... giving it more thought.... i know he knows i will be deeply saddened by the news and that thoughts are with him... and ive text his mate (the one who told me) to just say my hearts going out to them all

 

Probably best to just leave things be.

[journeynow]

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I would definitely send a card offering condolences in this case. It's probably not a good idea to express your feelings or thoughts about past connection to your ex, just thoughts about the friend, or simply sympathy. Kindness trumps NC here. Don't expect any response from your ex, and send a condolence card to the parents or family as well.

 

I imagine how painful this is for you, too. Do you have anyone to talk to? The way grief sometimes works, your friend's death could bring up and add to the grief over your ex. (Some say that each new loss brings up old losses.) Do you feel like sharing memories about this friend with us on eNA?

[lozzy1980]

yes i have good friends who also knew him too, so we been sharing a lot of memories together - into the early hours of this morning, and going round there again in a bit.

 

this is just so sad.

 

of course if i did send a card (which i dont think i will... not to be nasty but because it might only upset him or anger him, i really dont know what his reaction would be).. but if i had of done the intention was nothing at all to bring up our past relationship. i know i am over that that is not an issue at all. but what our friends death has done is remind me i do dearly miss that particular circle of friends, and when i bumped into the friend who died quite recently, he was so nice and sincere about the breakup and to see that i am doing well now.

 

i am not been unkind am i in not sending a card or msg? i dont want a reply etc... but he might start stressing over it thinking he does need to reply or something., which is why i am thinking now best to let things be.

 

As for a card to the family, i will send one to his sister, that is the only family he had, oh and his 2 young nephews and neice bless them. His parents died when he was younger.

[lozzy1980]

also... i am in a new relationship now... things were going so well i was so happy (only 10 weeks... but we knew and fancied each other many yrs ago, worked together for 4 yrs in our teens!) ... he is at work all day today... obviously i told him what happened and that i am shook up and stuff... but i dont think i can really lean on him too much can i... a bit too much for early stages of a new relationship! he said he'll phone me in a bit on his break... but that was hours ago and i doubt he will... when he is at work he rarely gets a break. gosh. just hope i dont put him off now. i want him to know this ISNT about my ex, this is about a dear friend who i genuinely am gonna miss. so much.

[sadchick83]

Why don't you send the condolences to the family of the deceased, and show up for one of the visitations or the funeral. When my Dad passed, it was kind of people to make the effort to come out, but, I would not come in too much contact with your ex.

[winniethepooh]

But i know that this is gonna rip my ex apart - theyve been friends for many many yrs, since late teens , and they are in early 30s now. they do , sorry did, everything together, holidays, going out, playing xBox live together which used to drive me nuts!!!

 

Thing is, i just want to say how sorry i am and that thinking of him.. it was him that dumped me, and i have pretty much healed and moved on, he has also moved on with a new GF.

I think it is honorable and respectful if you do send him something. Maybe not a card but more than a text message. An email or letter perhaps? Especially if you are going to attend the funeral. Despite whatever hurt he caused you, given the circumstances, you wouldn't want him to be wondering whether or not you are going to attend, or what to say to you if you do. Would you?

 

Is there any potential for awkwardness at the funeral?

 

You sound like you have moved on, so does he, and it's not like there's a total disconnect - you have mutual friends, and the one who passed away was a friend of yours too I understand?

[lozzy1980]

hey there... sorry... the grief is just totally clouding my judgement so bare with me !

 

yes i will send a card - decided going to send it addressed to all the closest friends (we were a tight circle of friends, so a card from us 'the girls' to his best mates, the lads, - i think they'd fully appreciate that) - and yes he knows about me going the funeral, the guy i spoke to said its not a problem at all and as i say even asked us to go out with them next fri in honour of their friend.

 

as for awkwardness at the funeral... no ... not at all, it really wasnt left nasty between us. we didnt end in a massive fight, and we knew one day we'd probably become friends again.. ... but i went NC for my own healing. ...strange how that day we become friends again might even be now. and with his other mates theres defintely no awkwardness, we were very close and as i say we bumped into them all just a few weeks ago and we were all just buzzing to see each other! (the ex wasn't there... but i felt deep down i dont think i'd be bothered if he was... bit nerve wracking i suspect at first.... but i have no feelings of hate or hurt towards him... and now this has happened i just feel.. love for him, but not in a in love kind of way if that makes sense?

 

I am just so up and down. shock and disbelief , to crying , to cheering up and listening to tunes dancing like a loon cos i know thats what Steve would want.. he hated ppl getting upset especially over death he always told us to look on the bright side and celebrate...not be depressed.

 

so as i am up and down with all that i cant think straight on what to do. i will go out and buy a card now, and probably let all things settle a bit for a day - get things right in my head... and of course come back here read through this thread again... and then send the card

 

thanks for your help x

[kuteknish]

I'm sorry for the news of a loss...

This isn't only about your ex, his friends, and your friends.. the family is hurting as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with sending a small sympathy card and just signing your name on it to the family, and if you say your ex was very very close to this man, then you can send one to him to, but with no other reason than to express condolences. Nothing about you, nothing about him. Just buy a card from the Sympathy section at the card store, put the date, dear ___ and just put Sincerely, _____.

[lozzy1980]

I didnt have any qualms whatsover about sending a card to his family - which as i said earlier is just his sister and her children. he has no parents or other family. of course i will be sending them a card. i didnt need advice on that but thanks i am sure it was well meant..

 

but in this case, Steve as i say only had his sister, other than that the 3 lads inc my ex in question, practically were his family. just feeling back to square one on this issue what to do again now.

 

of course i know family are important and i will be sendingtthem a card and attending his funeral, unless of course my ex did ask me not to go, then i'd respect his wishes. and yes, he knows i am going the funeral. he was a mutual friend and i loved him very much.

[kuteknish]

we're all here to offer advice. I was basing advice on the original post. I did not read through the posts to see that you already made a decision.

[lozzy1980]

ok sorry. i am just being extra sensitive at the moment, i think i read into it as though i hadnt given his family any thought but of course... its for them i feel the most... he was absolutely adored by his niece and nephews.

 

think i'll send card to both the family and his closest friends... and as you say just say 'with sympathy' and my name. nothing more. as i guess the rest says it all.

[Awoken]

Good idea. Send the card. I think that's a muture thing to do. It's a sign of respect to your ex and his family too. A good friend of his and it sounds like yours as passed on, you need to honour their memory