Was I so wrong ?

[Aeronca]

We met while we were both working...Through a common friend...It was wonderful being together.....The best times of our lives..We stod together in good times and bad..Had an aborted baby.(In this case she said she did not want to see me for 6 months)...We were there for each other always...

Then came the separation when I had to move to another city to prepare to join a flight school...She was working then wherein I was at home..

Initially she did call throughout, but later the calls and duration waned..which I totally understood as I was the one with more free time....And she was the busy one...

Then I joined flight school ( Something I have always wanted to do.....But was ready to goive up my dreams for her ) she fought with me when i gave her the option wherein either its flight school and sacrifice a year or get another job and forget about flying...After explaing to her the pros and cons..i.e. the Loans involved settling later...She still accepted...

I joined flight school and she quit her job for personal reasons...

Now it was her who had more free time and I had less free time...

I got busy with my studies and was working for our future and in flight school only the best of the best get the jobs....

She started nagging me....that I did not give her time....Although I spoke to her every day ... for like 4-5 hours...

COnsidering the stresses involved, I started getting moody and irritated....With her nagging...But made her nderstand the stresses and tensions involved during the course...Tried telling her to pursue a hobby...or get a job..Called up job consultants in an effort to help her out....

Almost every time she picked fights with me saying you have changed .... And I will leave you....

throuout this time I used to give her a patient hearing to her family problems ...Motivate her...Try to correct things...

And since I was financially dependent on my parents..I could not see her as often As we lived in opposite corners of the state...

also holidays were tough to come by..i did see her once in four months time.....I could have travelled every weekend to see her for like 2 hours..But she would onsist on coming for longer time...Which was not possible....

Things progressed and she said she lost trust in me....She expected me to attend her calls at 0300 in the morning when I had a flight at 0700 in the morning....If I slept or could not take the call...She would cry and break up with me the next morning...Saying I was not there for her

This happened when I used to be boarding my aircraft..In the tension...I could not concentrate and even almost crashlanded once...

If I tried to explain, She would never listen and insist I was the one wrong.....

Everytime she'd threaten to break up, I would do every possible thing to make up to her...Only to be taken 2 steps back by being reminded of the past....She was never supportive....I agree I did make some mistakes like getting irritated and angry But never did I insult her or undermine her..

The biggest mistake i did was bearing all this patiently...When I tried to tell her about her faults she would fight...

Saying you were never like this..

After a certain time you know the other persn so much that there is little to talk about...except the daily routine,,,and considering the stresses I was under i.e. repayment of a loan of 50000 $ .....

Is love about being always happy and comforting the other person no matter what you are going through ?

You cannot tell your woman everything what you are going through.....

Later she met this guy whom she hardly knew for a couple of meetings....And they decided to go out for a 3 night stay...I am not a posessive man..But I was uncomfortable with the fact that she was going out with men whom she did not even know...i did let her go but I was upset and i told her the reason for that....she got angry with me saying I did not trust her and her loyalty...(She was super posessive about me)

I apologised for my behaviour..

Next week she did that again with the same guy just the 2 of them for a night stay and alcohol involved....I directly told her I did not like it and next day requested her to come home...

Then she acted distant.....i travelled to her city to meet her....she was like a stone....emotionless...Saying i wasted 2 years of my life with you and you are immature and son on...That guy is a great guy and all...You have lost me ...But I give you another chance and stuff...

She stayed with me but she was on the phone with that guy for like 13 hours and i was staring at the wall and she used to get angry when i asked her to keep the phone down and talk to me saying i did not care for her happiness and I could not see someone else making her happy...

She treated me like a dog....And ditched me and left...

Saying i was responsible for everything....I could have had her had i comforted her then...And she blamed me for all the failures in her life..

Was I so wrong ?

appreciate your views...

 

P.S. The new guy is a 32 year old lawyer..With a bad personal history...He drinks everyday.......mouth filled with filth but apparently they both have very similar ideologies...

[LightInTheSky]

We stod together in good times and bad..Had an aborted baby.(In this case she said she did not want to see me for 6 months)...We were there for each other always...

 

I'm not sure how long you guys were together and I have little experience in what sounds like a long distance relationship however this point drew my attention compared to the rest of your post. I have a very close friend who went through the abortion process and I can tell you this. No matter how ok she seems to be when it comes to what happened, the chances are it has greatly effected her. My friend, while fine with her decision and if she could go back and change anything she definitely wouldn't, it has effected her greatly when it comes to things that seem totally unrelated. It took a very long time for her to realize that the problems that she was having with her life were due to the changes her psyche under went. From what you described your ex seems to be acting very erratically, was she like this before the abortion? I'm not saying you were wrong, she did treat you very badly, however sometimes things happen to people that effect them so deeply it changes the way they behave and makes them act in ways they wouldn't normally. This is just one aspect you should consider.

[Aeronca]

We were together for 2 years....She changed after she quit her job....Thanks for your concern...

[winniethepooh]

Had an aborted baby.(In this case she said she did not want to see me for 6 months)

That's usually a big deal for any relationship, and especially the woman. Maybe her dreams were shattered as a result?

 

Did you stay apart for 6 months? What did you and her do during that time?

 

But was ready to goive up my dreams for her

Be very careful about giving up your dreams for someone. Especially if you feel under pressure from them to give them up.

 

she fought with me when i gave her the option wherein either its flight school and sacrifice a year or get another job and forget about flying...After explaing to her the pros and cons..i.e. the Loans involved settling later...She still accepted...

And about giving ultimatums. Although I'm not entirely sure I follow this part.

 

Then she acted distant.....i travelled to her city to meet her....she was like a stone....emotionless...Saying i wasted 2 years of my life with you and you are immature and son on...That guy is a great guy and all...You have lost me ...But I give you another chance and stuff...

If she is "shopping" for a mate while with someone, then it is especially insulting to you and your relationship for her to say she'll give you another chance. At the very least, she's the one who should be asking for another chance. The fact that she's not is a very poor reflection on her ethics, morals, motivation, whatever. And you should seriously question the long term viability of a relationship with her no matter how you feel or what else she says.

 

Was I so wrong ?

It doesn't sound like it to me. Sure, you might have made mistakes, done "wrong" things, ...

 

I agree I did make some mistakes like getting irritated and angry But never did I insult her or undermine her..

 

The biggest mistake i did was bearing all this patiently...

 

... but the big picture to me comes accross as though you tried to find ways to make the relationship work and be patient with her. She tried to find ways to make you better for her or to find someone else who was better to her. You had the correct focus, she didn't.

 

Now you're suffering and you will continue to suffer for a while, no matter what happens. Especially because she is now interested in someone else (or more someone else's), I think you should leave her alone, get through your suffering yourself, and focus on your original dream of flying.

 

P.S. The new guy is a 32 year old lawyer..With a bad personal history...He drinks everyday.......mouth filled with filth but apparently they both have very similar ideologies...

Irrelevant now. If you try to point out to her that she is "downgrading", you will just become the messenger that she will shoot. She has to figure that out on her own.

 

Take care. The next few weeks and months are going to be tough for you, but if you focus on yourself and leave her alone, at the end of that period you will have better clarity and perspective. If you remain in contact with her, I think you will remain confused and prolong your suffering, unless she makes drastic changes to her attitude. And I don't think it's a good idea for you to try to persuade or force her to change.

[Aeronca]

@ Winniethepooh...

 

Thanks for your concern...After the abortion, Her friend counselled her and she seemed ok and we were fine..even I counselled her a lot....She did break up with me 3-4 times ..Saying you do not give me attention...But since flying is such a demanding course, I could not be around her 24*7 especially before my flights...

In my personal opinion expecting your boyfriend to take the call at 0300 in the night when he has a flight at 0700 in the morning is wrong...Then when he does call up before the flight .. Breaking up is even wrong cuz the mental tension might just take your life in the air...I guess one of my biggest mistakes was not giving her a sound hearing....I was just too patient and undestanding...

I agree there were frictions before ... But everytime I tried to solve them, she just fought more and more expecting more from me...Something I could not give in terms of time and comfort....

But in the end I feel I did not deserve the treatment i got when she flirted with that guy in my face .....

And the words that she used were terrible too something she justifies by saying that she wanted to make me strong....

In the end I got the entire blame for the failure of the relationship and for the failures in her life....

and yes..I have had my shares of mistakes by being irritated and once jealous...But after all I am a human being...Not a make me happy machine...

And yes every time I called she did hurt me....She did not even recollect things she herself told me...and instead accused me of degrading her character and started crying...I then said I am glad it is over...To which she said i was thinking of coming back but now I never will

Guess she's playing with my emotions

 

Thanks for your post.....Felt nice reading...

[winniethepooh]

After the abortion, Her friend counselled her and she seemed ok and we were fine..even I counselled her a lot....She did break up with me 3-4 times ..Saying you do not give me attention...

You counselled her but did not give her attention

 

When you become someone's counsellor, I think the dynamics of the relationship change. That's not to say you shouldn't, after all, in a healthy relationship I think it's only fair you help each other through bad patches. But an abortion doesn't just affect her, it affects you too. Well, at least, I think that's a reasonable assumption to make.

 

Whatever, you were both very emotionally drained as a result, and that resulted in further difficulties in your relationship. Knowing that perhaps helps you put things in perspective a bit more and finding your way out of the current turmoil, one way or another. But it is in the past, and you can't change what you did then. However, if you end up in the position of being someone's counsellor again, it might be wise to try and consider the implications for your relationship with them. I know I'm sounding a bit vague but that's because I don't think I'm properly qualified to be more specific, and anyway, I don't think it's so important to deal with just at the moment. Your focus now should be on recovering from the breakup.

 

In my personal opinion expecting your boyfriend to take the call at 0300 in the night when he has a flight at 0700 in the morning is wrong...

Maybe, depends on the reason for the call.

 

In the end I got the entire blame for the failure of the relationship and for the failures in her life....

It's easier to blame other people for things that go wrong. She's afraid of facing her own mistakes perhaps.

 

I then said I am glad it is over...

Sounds like an emotional splutter. Are you?

 

To which she said i was thinking of coming back but now I never will

Guess she's playing with my emotions

Equally emotional on her part. Yes, she is, but perhaps not deliberately.

 

Sounds like she has a lot going on that she needs to face. She has chosen to face those things without you, so the best you can do is respect her choice. Try and do so respectfully and save the rage, frustration, etc for your posts here She will probably continue to blame you for things, maybe lash out at you some more. Try not to react in a similar fashion. Do you best to stay calm, or ignore her completely. It will probably drive her batty, but I don't think there's an easy way through this, just difficult ones. And trying to stay calm is the least painful for you in the long run (even though it will still be painful

 

Thanks for your post.....Felt nice reading...

Your welcome. Posting here is helping me too at present