Am I being selfish or stupid?

[chili601]

I am finding myself forced to celebrate the holidays with just my sister this year. My sister and I both have jobs that obligate us to work some holidays for long hours. My boyfriend always has off work for holidays. I have no close family members in the area besides my sister. My boyfriends family all lives here. On the holidays when my sister works, I go with my boyfriend to celebrate holidays with his family. When both my sister and I work, my boyfriend still gets to celebrate the holidays with his family; however, my sister and I pretty much have no holiday. If I work the holiday, my sister is home alone. Due to work obligations she and I are unable to travel to visit siblings in other parts of the country around holidays.

My dilema is this year, we both have off work and I wanted my boyfriend to spend the holiday with MY family, even though it would only be myself and my sister. He has already determined that he is spending the holiday with his family. Of course, I am welcome to come, but that leaves my sister alone. She and my boyfriend are not close, and she does not feel comfortable going over his family's house. I know I cannot convince her to come, especially since she has gotten used to being alone sometimes for the holidays (when I have to work).

I have been with my boyfriend for a LONG time and I feel like he always puts his family first. Other couples I know "split" the holidays between both families. I have limited holidays to celebrate because my sister and I can't get off work, and she and I have limited holidays off together. I feel like both my sister and my boyfriend expect me to choose between them. I can't leave my sister because she's the only close family I have left. Am I really expecting too much of my boyfriend to be away from his family for once?

[camus154]

Not quite understanding why you can't kill two birds with one stone and bring her along to your boyfriend's family. Would they be ok with that? It just seems silly to force a choice at all just because she doesn't feel comfortable going over there. Why doesn't she?

[happyfrank]

Your bf is being selfish. Why does it always have to be about his family? Your sister is blood and I think it's great idea that you want sister and you to celebrate the holiday's together. If your bf doesn't want to come. So be it. Just celebrate it together with your sister. Relationship should be equal.

[camus154]

The point of spending time with family during the holidays is to enjoy one another, not wrack up points for whose "turn" it is. Turns are only necessarily when you have two families competing for either distance or time, and that's not really the case here.

 

Here you have precisely ONE person who apparently is refusing to get out of her own comfort zone when BOTH parties could spend the holidays together and everyone could be happy. I think it's the sister who's being selfish by putting the OP in this position when the obvious (and most common sensible) solution would be to go along with. Honestly if I were the boyfriend I'd think there was something a bit whacky about a sibling who insisted on spending the holidays alone or wanting me and the gf to bypass my own family just to spend the holidays alone with her, when she could simply come along with and everyone could be together.

[chili601]

Why my sister won't come to my boyfriends family for the holidays:

My sister is shy, it isn't easy for her to feel comfortable in a room full of "strangers". To be honest, I don't even really feel like I fit in that well with my boyfriend's family. They are nice enough, but we don't seem to have that much in common. I spend most of my time helping with cooking and cleaning or playing with the kids when I'm there.

[happyfrank]

OP and sister are family. If sister doesn't want to be part of her bf's family party why would she be forced to go? Op wanted her boyfriend and sister to celebrate holiday together. Nothing is wrong with that. I think OP and sister should just celebrate it together.

[camus154]

Being shy wouldn't cut it for me to skip my own family who lives in the same area. Do you think she could manage to suck it up for one evening and maybe even meet some new people and have a bit of fun?

 

OP and sister are family. If sister doesn't want to be part of her bf's family party why would she be forced to go? Op wanted her boyfriend and sister to celebrate holiday together. Nothing is wrong with that. I think OP and sister should just celebrate it together.

 

She shouldn't be forced to go. But OP's boyfriend shouldn't be asked to skip his own family for the sake of one person who's "shy". Again, having to split holidays is done out of necessity, not because one person is scared to meet some new people. But I think you're probably right--perhaps the two of them should just spend it together.

[bulletproof]

What do you want to do?

 

If you want to spend it with your sister, then do so.

 

If you want to spend it with your bf and his family, do so.

 

If you want to do both, split the day in half.

 

But don't try to dictate where other people go (i.e., your bf comes with you and your sister, or your sister goes to your bf's family).

 

You can only control your own actions.

[sonypirates]

I come from a huge family myself and if I had to spend time with someone who doesn't enjoy big family holidays or even attempt to fit in, well, it would lessen my holiday. I would be happy knowing my gf was enjoying her holiday with her sister but I would have issues with it still. It wouldn't just be the fact that *I* wasn't spending time with my family but that my gf and I weren't spending it together with my family.

 

Getting along with the family of your gf/bf is huge in my opinion, unless you're just casually dating and don't see you two spending your life together. Again this comes from the point of view from someone where family is very important.

 

You mentioned that everyone is close. Is it possible to arrange the celebrations so that both parties can be happy? You can do your thing with your sister first then see his family or vice versa.

[gluestick]

The best way to resolving this issue is to split the day in half, as others have mentioned.

 

But it sounds to me that the real issue is OP wants her bf to spend this holiday together with her sister this year, having spent all the holidays thus far in the relationship with his family. I don't think that's asking for much...if she spends 10 holidays with her bf's family and have her bf spend 1 holiday with her family. It's the same as you making an effort to meet and get to know your SO's parents, but the SO never makes any effort to meet your parents or spend time with them. It's only fair in a serious relationship to reciprocate from time to time.