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so confused about this friendship - kind of long, but please read!


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A guy who is a friend and someone I have casually dated is not currently speaking to me.


A few years ago when we began seeing each other occasionally I think he was, in his own way, trying to show his interest in dating again. Because he had a history of coming and going (without explanation) from my life, I was hesitant and it never went anywhere. We still continued to hang out, but he never went out of his way to see me. I found out that he had quit his job to start a business and was incredibly focused on that.


I still asked to see him occasionally, and knowing I was the person more actively invested in our friendship (because I genuinely care about this guy and want him in my life), I didn’t take personally any of the times he never responded to my requests to have dinner or said he was busy. I was trying to be a friend, and be supportive at what I can only imagine must be a rough time in his life. When I asked, I never got a very positive response about the success of his business venture. I can say with some regret that maybe I was overly supportive, but I wanted him to know I cared and was there if he needed me. I would occasionally tell him I was worried about him (which I had read you were supposed to do when a friend doesn’t return calls, emails, etc.) and sometimes he would respond that he was stressed or busy with work but things were good, and sometimes I heard nothing at all.


Finally, I asked him to have dinner with me. I thought it would be good to see him and get a read on what was going on. He said yes, and then never bothered to respond to finalize. I asked him what happened. No response. I tried getting angry and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. No response. Finally I blew up at him and he blew up at me and he asked me to give him space.


I was so floored because I felt like I was right that at first I was angry, then I started to calm down and realize that maybe I was equally responsible for what had happened. I apologized for my behavior, and in the meantime found out that he had a girlfriend. And here is where I need help in understanding the situation (because like he asked, I have not spoken to him since I asked him if this were true and he confirmed it).


First, why didn’t he tell me? I know I don’t need to know every detail of his life, but if I was causing him stress (which he mentioned when he blew up at me) I can only assume it was because my contact with him made him uncomfortable given the fact that he had a serious girlfriend. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t have said, at any given point, I need you to back off. Obviously he did eventually, but this girlfriend has been around for awhile.


Second, now that I look back at all the times I didn’t hear from him and he said he was stressed or busy I wonder how much of that was because he was trying to ignore me and hope I disappeared. Obviously, I wasn’t getting the picture but I did still hear from him. If he really wanted to freeze me out of his life, wouldn’t he have continued the cold shoulder indefinitely instead of intermittently letting me know he was still speaking to me?


Now I'm trying to figure out if having a girlfriend means we can't be friends. He asked for time away from me, but was that because of his relationship or my actions or because of the things I said during our fight? I want to believe this is fixable with time, but I'm starting to think maybe it isn't. I know it isn't the end of the world, but I'm trying to make sense of this because I feel like it came up out of nowhere.

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Honestly he doesn't sound like a friend at all. I don't care how busy someone is, if they care about someone they will find time to respond, even if it's to tell you that he has a gf and either he or his gf just do not feel comfortable being in contact with you.


You should freeze him out of your life till he proves to you that he is actually worth being your friend.

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