Can you help direct me to a better life?

[OneConfusedGuy]

Hi everyone...

 

Wow I can't believe it's been nearly 7 years since I've joined this forum. I look back at my previous posts and it feels like nothing has changed (in terms of my health), lol that's so depressing.

 

I want to make this short as possible and get to the point.

 

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Not really extreme depression but every day seems gray... and eventually seeing the world long enough in black and white drives me to thoughts of suicide... but I know I'll never do it because I'm too scared.

 

For all of my life I've had a terrible time concentrating, focusing, socalizing with people, getting in touch with my emotions. 7ish years ago I thought it was something I needed to grow out of but it's still identicle to the day I joined this forum, and many years before that. My whole life feels like a slide show, moving from one goal to the next, barely even starting on them before I give up.

 

The ironic part is that I've managed to keep somewhat of a career. I work for a cable company and am a trainer for them. So I have no problem speaking to people and sharing my knowledge. It's socializing and connecting to people emotionally that I have an issue with. It almost feels like i've been partially lobotomized.

 

I've seen my doctor and a couple therapists. I've tried a few anti-depressants, all of which I felt very weird and stopped. The latest path I'm on seems to lead me to believe i have ADD (atention deficit disorder). There's one symptom I have that doesn't agree with ADD - my mind doesn't race. In fact it's usually quite the contrary... i'm usually not thinking about anything. My mind is blank... it's only until I am in the moment will I react, thus planning ahead is virtually impossible for me. My therapist prescribed vyvanse - even at 20MG, after two days I couldn't take the weird cloudy mind feeling / painful headache side effect when the drug wore off. My next step is to try Focalin... but I fear this will end very similar based upon my past experience with drugs.

 

If you met me in real life, like every person including my own family, theres this weird akward social tension that arises. Very similar to the feeling of when no one knows what to say, there's that akward silence and tension between myself and the other person. But the ironic part about this is I can stand in front of 30 people and spit out technical jargon and teach people all day long.

 

I want to cry, but I cant. I want to reach out to someone who understands me but my mission of the past 7 years has failed up to this point. It's very easy for me to get angry but I supress this feeling because I know it does me no good... and only makes me feel bad. My only two relationships ended, both girls told me that I was resentful and emotionally distant. The girl I feel excited around doesn't get me, but I know we are both VERY physically attracted to... even after 7 years of seeing her 'here and there' that 'excited' feeling is still there. I'm very tired, weak and burning my last few shreds of strength. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I want my emotions back. I want people to understand me, and me them.

 

Thank you all so much for any insight and help.

 

OneConfusedGuy

[AllDarkness]

It seems to me that the problem you have is not quite clear to you or the people you have sought help from. Obiviously the medical drugs you have received haven't helped you at all which leads me to thinking that they are actually trying to cure you from something you don't really have. I can say this because my own sister was "mistreated" for years by doctors and therapists who came to wrong conclusions and gave her wrong medicin. I am not saying that these doctors you have are wrong but it is important to know that when all medicin doesn't work it may be because they are tryting to treat you for something you may not have...

 

To me it sounds like you really need a goal in life. A goal you really feel emotional attached to. Something that makes you think: "Oh, so this is what life is about...". That may sound silly but when you say you are moving from goal to another with like a slide show, it seems to me that you lack purpose. Especially when you mention that you barely even start on them before you give up.

 

You say that you can manage to stand in front of a lot of people but have trouble when socializing. I don't think that's weird at all. I think a lot of people has experienced that. The reason is that your mentally are different in each situation. You have one mentally when you are the trainer but when you are not the trainer you have a different mentally. It is like the different mentally you have when you order something in a restaurant and when you have initiate a conversation with a stranger. You are basically doing the same thing: Talking. But somehow you feel different in the situations. That is because you expect a certain reaction from the people who serve you at the restaurant while you don't know what to expect from the stranger.

 

However, I am not really sure how strong your social skills are. But from what I can read they are not strong enough. Can you explain what you mean when you say that you have trouble concentrating, focusing, socializing with people and getting in touch with your emotions? Is it like "I don't care about these people"?

[OneConfusedGuy]

AllDarkness, you're last sentence really hit home. 'I don't care about these people.'

 

I do care about people... my friends and family I would go out of my way to help them when they ask. But I should be happy to help them right? I mean helping your family should feel rewarding and awesome. But I find it boring and completely not worth my time.

 

If I'm not sitting at home, drinking, and playing video games... my life seems boring. There's only a few things that seem worth my time outside of this and that's playing music.

 

Perhaps I need to give up these vices... the logical part of me says it's obviously yes. How do you give up something that feels so good yet you know it's bad for you?

 

Will this make me a better socalizer? Probably not. I don't know what to do. I know I'm a very intelligent person who has a lot of potential... but I choose to waste it. I want to start a family... a wife that I'm in love with, kids that are healthy, and my passion for guitar that is respected. These are all but dreams. There's no limitless drug or red pill to solve my problems, but at the same time there's nothing that I can do to 'heal' myself without something similar.

 

When speaking with anyone about this it's like some sort of ghost. 'Yah right, whatever, stop talking about this * * * * , it's weird.' Or 'You have ADD let us pump you full of drugs until we find a cure.' Or 'It's just who you are honey.'

 

This is not who I am. I'm meant for more than a simple life full of drinking and games. Where do I find this answer?