engaged but like another girl

[zb]

I have a big problem. I have been engaged for about 4 1/2 years now, this last year or so has been very hard because my woman is so busy with her college life. I am in college as well but not as busy as her. We went from being with each other every day to hardly seeing each other more then 2 hours a day. She still very much loves me, she is just busy, she wants to get an apartment and marriage will come as soon as we both are done with school and have jobs. We are both each other first real relationship, we were both virgins, so we are very close. We are like best friends.

 

The problem is that when she is with me any more it seems we just fight over stupid stuff. She will yell at me about leaving a empty can on the table or the fact that I always look for the easy way out, or half butt fix to the things I face in life. She on the other hand is very much a perfectionist.. I guess I never realized how much she nags at me until we had this time apart. We really wanted to make this work because we were each others first and we are/were very shy. The nagging and the lack of time together and the lack the sex life we once had (sex is important in a relationship, that is not all I was after, so do not think that) has all added up to work against us.... my eyes are starting to wander and I am starting to wonder if I should think of moving on. I don't want to be with her for another year if I can hardly ever see her because she is busy I don't think I could take another year of nagging. Maybe things would be better if we do move in together. I know that after this next year everything will be ok but at the same time there is a girl or two on campus that I think I could really hit it off with if I just made my move. One girl is really cool, she kind of has my personality, she is a bit crazy and I don't think she has been seeing anyone since she came to this college.

 

I don't know what to do. At first I was upset, I cried at the thought of loosing the woman I am with right now. If there is a chance I will loose her any ways maybe I should just get out now... or maybe I should wait until we are living together to see how we work. Ok you know that feeling you get when your with the one you love and you feel like nothing can stop you and that person is you... your one.... well I just don't feel that strong anymore because of this year. It is not my fault either, I wanted more then anything to spend as much time as I could with her, but she wanted a busy life I guess. At the same time I don't think I should throw it all away over a girl who I don't even know if she is with someone or if she is even interested in me, I just know one her girl friends a bit. I am hoping to get to know the girl I am interested in more through her friend. I mean I would consider seeing this other girl right now if I knew she was interested but I don't want to dump my fiancee and then be left with no one. After being in a relationship I don't think I could be happy alone.

 

I could just be so alone that I wanting to reach out to the first person I think I could connect with... I just do not want to end up being dumped, I would rather dump first and find a girl that is much like me. My biggest fear is waiting for my babe to get out of college next year just to find out that she really does not want to be with me... or has found another guy.....I would be destroyed.............. or should I just keep the thought of this other girl in my pocket and if I ever do get dumped or if my relationship ever does fall apart I know someone I can ask out for a beer, the other girl that is......... I think I might just be afraid of being left alone. Please give me any advice you have... especially if you have had a problem like this.

[SwingFox]

Balhatain,

 

After reading your post there has been a lot on my mind. I think I could divide things in four pieces:

 

1) Love is a dynamic thing

I understand that you are going through a dificult stage in your current relationship. After so many years, things get usual and/or old. Couples will have to find new ways to make the relationship work. Not only YOU, but as well as HER have to work on this. That brings me to my second piece.

 

2) Communication leads to a better understanding

In order to improve things, you will have to go back to basics again. The foundation of almost any relationship is communication. My suggestion thereforeeeeeee is to ask her how she see things right now. It would also be a good time to share your concerns with her and to work out a solution that work for both HER and YOU. I am sorry, but it does not look like that you are selfish enough, to satisfy your own needs enough. That shows, by explaining in your post that you are waiting things out. My suggestion is: take action, take control and take charge of the situation.

 

3) Cheating

I used this word on purpose. I would be very careful in starting something with another woman, before having closure with the woman you are with right now. It says something about your integrity. I understand your concerns of being left alone, still, in my opinion I would say, get closure first, even though that there are risks.

 

4) Summary

My suggestion is that you try to work out things with your current g/f. You wrote that you really connect to each other. Your woman has to understand your needs. If you feel that your needs are not being satisfied, it might be necessary to evaluate your current situation. This might lead in you breaking away from this relationship. Please, try to keep your integrity, since this will benefit you in your life later on. The alternative is that you get marked as being a player. Nothing in your posting shows that you would like to be marked like that.

 

I hope this helped you and I wish you good luck on what you decide.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[zb]

well... I mean I would not do anything while in the relationship I am in now. I guess I would just like to get to know some girls just incase my current relationship does end. As of now I don't really know to many people where we live.

 

And I have not waited out this whole time... trust me I tried to tell her how I feel I told her that I thought that maybe her college activity was causing a wedge between us, she took that as an attack, as if I did not want her to do anything other then with me which is not true. I just want to see her more but it never seems to happen. Next year will be worse because not only will I not be on campus anymore but she is going to be just as involved in her groups as she was this year... unless we do move into an apartment together I fear it will end... I can't very well live 40 or so miles away and expect to see her much if I have been living a few blocks away now and hardly see her... know what I mean. ....I mean I even took our ring back at one point because I was tired of her always being with her friends and never having time with me and one day she happened to slam the phone down after a little verbal fight and that was the straw on the camels back....we have worked things out since then, and things have got a little better... but I dont want to go through another year like I did this year...... I wonder if I am being used sometimes because I have helped her alot with work... of coarse she has helped me alot as well.... and we have talked about the future, about kids... we even have names for kids.. but it just seems to be going dead....... she has been depressed lately because of all her classes........ I would hate to mess up being with the girl of my dreams but everyone tells me that there are many women a guy could end up with... she sure does seem like the "one" though.... but I guess every girl is the "one" if your with them long enough or love them enough......damn this sucks

[zb]

.... maybe the fact that my fiancee and I were both each others first that is the problem..... I mean I wonder if she just is not as interested anymore..... I am just thinking really negative right now... I mean when I do see her I finally realize just how much you snaps at me... I don't think she even realizes it.... It is like every thing I do causes her to say something. We are both bull headed but man she never accepts that she could be wrong....... I could talk to her about it but, I already have brought it up and she is very bad at communicating with me.......she is cold shoulder wants to be alone type when she gets angry or upset and I am the type that wants to stay right by the person side and get things worked out... I don't like to go away mad or have her go away mad.............. I mean we are not compatable in some ways but in other we are great. ... we love watching movies, playing games, love classical music, art..... talking (when we can) going out to eat........great sex.....she has more then one climax every time we make love... which seems to be a rare thing from some of the post I have read.......of coarse when it is a week or more without sex she is bound to have the earth shaking down there, heh. Thats the other problems I love sex, I love kinky sex, I LOVE sex....... she does not seem to care as much about sex as I do... at one point we were having sex 2 to 3 times a day and then it just kind of dropped off to practically nothing.......... and I do not want her just for sex... I know some people will say that, but if that was the case I would have left along time ago......... I mean I have the reasons to think about leaving, I have so much more to stay ..........is it wrong for me to make friends that happen to be female? Is it wrong for me to get close, not sexually, to other women .......?

[zb]

I mean what about this.. I am a very unique person... people say I frown all the time, I just do not make the connections that others do in their life........ Was it wise of me to get so serious about the girl who just happens to be the first girl who ever tried to get to know me, and is not afraid of me. Many people are afraid of me for some reason..... I am very intimidating I guess.........which is another reason why I am afraid of being alone. I don't know if I could even be with anyone after her.... I mean I never even went on a date until I met her. I love her so much, she is such a fun person, but I just notice how much she nags.........or does this happen no matter who your with at some point? I mean I end up feeling bad almost every time I see her now...what if we move into a place together and ends up me feeling bad every day for the rest of our lives because of cut downs and neglect?

[boblong]

Holy hell, I have just read the last 6 months of my life. I mean it is scary how close you are to me. (TRUST ME... THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO WHAT I HAD GOING.)

 

*She seemed to be the 'one'.

*Tried to hold it together. (Relationships are a two way street)

*We planned to get married.

*She was my first true love

*She was busy with her friends/and or parties at her college.

*I had toughts about getting out of the relationship.

*Had thoughts about her losing interest in me.

*Had thoughts about losing her.

*I'm an artist and she LOVES art, wana talk about connecting? We had no problem with that. Connection was the thing that really opened my eyes to this person.

*I was scared to be alone, I had a chance with another girl but I let her past cuz I was trying to make this relationship work.

*I felt odd/bad every time I seen her after a fight we had over the phone or something of that nature.

*We lived near each other colleges.

 

The problem is simple but hard to deal with:

Start focusing on yourself... If you feel you want to get out of this, do it. Don't wait to see your self to get stepped on anymore. There are other girls to find a connection with. Trust me, it's hard and I'm dealing with it right now.

 

I mean I TRIED hard as hell to make it all work out, and let me make it in short it didn't help, it knocked me further down. Just try and move on. I find my self today looking back thinking "what the hell was I doing?". Some things aren't meant to be, you have to some times do what you think might be right.

 

-Boblong.

[zb]

You were with your girl for 6 months I have been with my for about 4 years... it a big dif I would think........that is why it is really hard to know what to do. I have talked to her some and I think that it is just an issue of time......but the question is ....is it ok for her to hold so many things over time she could spend with me........even if a little time............It would be nice to know if the girl I am interested in even knows that I am, and what she thinks... Hell that might help me make up my mind......tired of being single in a relationship..... that is about what it is like right now.