old love

[jchristik]

I am new here, and have read many of the postings, so I hope someone can help me, too.

I have been married for 10 months. Before we got married, my husband and I dated for 7 1/2 years and were engaged a year and a half of that. We have a nice home, good careers and even own a business together. We love each other very much and truly are best friends. However, every night I dream about a past love. And I mean literally every night. I really liked(I think loved) this guy in high school, and things were starting to progress in our relationship(I thought he was starting to like me too). We hung out all the time. Well, before things went any further between us, I met my husband and we have been together ever since.

I have seen my friend from high school a few times and not long after my husband and I got engaged we started talking over email. We talked about a lot of stuff going on in our lives. I even hinted at how I used to feel about him. He told me that he did like me in high school, but thought that our relationship wouldn't go anywhere because I was a "good girl" and he was a "bad guy." During the time that we talked over email every day was when I started dreaming about him. And I try to make myself stop, but I can't. Every night I dream about him and it's always about our life together. I then think about that dream all day.

I am 24 years old and think that it is stupid for me to think about him all the time. I know that I am better off where I am, my husband and I have a great future. The thing I need to know is, why am I doing this? Why do I dream about him? Why do I think about him? I try to tell myself that it's because I just wonder what would have happened if we had been more than friends in high school. I feel like I just need to get over it and move on, but how do I do that? Help!

[lisaria]

Hi jchristik,

It sounds to me like you love your husband. You guys have been together a long time and you're wondering the good ol' "What ifs" which are hell on your life and your marriage. You have been married long enough now that you have gotten into a routine. You both know each other or you think you do. Just remember that there are always things that you will never know about another person. No matter how much you think you do. Take this for instance...he probably doesn't know about your feelings for this other person, does he? Perhaps he has feelings for someone that you don't know about and is thinking the same things. Talk to him.

The only problem though is that this kind of thinking hurts you and hurts your husband and he doesn't even know it. These kind of feelings just fester if you don't put a stop to them or find some way of releasing them and then your marriage will be a sham and you'll feel even worse which will make him feel bad and it will snowball from there.

I think that if you want to make your marriage work you need to let this guy go. Stop emailing him for pete's sake. You're only asking for trouble. Put this energy to your husband, change the way you think about him and about your relationship. The only one who can do it is you. After all these are just thoughts and thoughts are controllable. Read the Mars and Venus books, give them to your hubby to read. If you find yourself thinking about what could have been right then and there yell in your head "Stop!" and immediately think about something you really love about your life with your husband. Keep these thoughts in your head, not the things you liked about the other guy.

Well, that's my two cents worth and I hope that you will think about it a little. I would hate to think that things would not work out because of some guy from the past who is not really who you remember. They never are.

Good luck.

[lonelyandblue]

oh, I do the same thing. I wish it would stop because some dreams are so intense. Only, I dream of my ex because things, in my opinion aren't going well in my marriage. Not very compatible. And this other person and I were more compatible. I am so glad I am not alone, even though I am sorry you are in this situation.