Should I send him a final email for closure?

[purpleberry]

It has been 2.5 months since my ex-fiance of 6 years (engaged 2 years) decided to break up with me. I have been going NC for 1.5 months. I am moving forward nowadays, although from time to time I still have unsettling emotions. I no longer hold grudges or anger towards his actions, knowing that we were probably not right for each other. I basically cut him off out of my life out of blue 1.5 months ago and now I feel bad that I did so. I am thinking of sending him a final email, basically telling him that i am good with the break up, thanking him for giving me a chance to grow/start a new life and wishing him well in his career and his new relationship.

 

I do not expect him to reply. It will be like a closure email on my end. Do you guys think it is a good idea?

[Eocsor]

No. You're healing and moving on. Why mess with that. And if he does reply(which I think you are hoping for) it will probably set you back.

 

You give yourself closure. An e-mail won't make a difference to that.

[ToF]

I don't think it's been enough time for something like this. After six years and two of engagement, 2.5 months is not long at all.

 

Be patient. Get to a point when you don't even feel the need to send a message anymore. At that point, you will be truly healed enough to be in contact with him.

 

I think a lot of people make the mistake of seeing "closure" as this all-important thing that must come from an outside source. This keeps many broken-hearted people from truly moving on. Realize that closure is just an action, and this action can be taken by you just as easily as by your ex. The moment you decide the matter is "closed" is the moment you have the closure you need. Depending on someone who has left you for closure, is just not going to turn out well..

[pl3asehelp]

Closure is meaningless and not helpful. Just the process of you writing the email should be enough for you - he doesn't need that. Just move on. It doesn't benefit either of you to send it, there's really no purpose.

[jfLip]

I think a lot of people make the mistake of seeing "closure" as this all-important thing that must come from an outside source. This keeps many broken-hearted people from truly moving on.

 

 

^ Closure is for you, not for anyone else. In the healing process, it's a stage you reach within yourself. Keep your head up.

[unknownfuture]

Hi Purpleberry,

 

I've just read through your posts, I'm sorry the way you split up must have been tough. I'm 3.5 months post BU from a 5 year relationship so I think we might be feeling some of the same pain.

 

I recently sent my ex an email, basically letting her know I still cared even though we don't talk as much. I felt better for about 4 days.

 

I know how hard it is to want to send it, I wrote a similar thread asking if I should send mine, I got the same responses as above, decided not to send it and then sent it a few days later.

 

Everyone is different, I'm happy I sent it because that's just who I am, I tried.

[purpleberry]

Hi Purpleberry,

 

I've just read through your posts, I'm sorry the way you split up must have been tough. I'm 3.5 months post BU from a 5 year relationship so I think we might be feeling some of the same pain.

 

I recently sent my ex an email, basically letting her know I still cared even though we don't talk as much. I felt better for about 4 days.

 

I know how hard it is to want to send it, I wrote a similar thread asking if I should send mine, I got the same responses as above, decided not to send it and then sent it a few days later.

 

Everyone is different, I'm happy I sent it because that's just who I am, I tried.

 

Did she respond your email afterwards? I don't expect him to reply at all..I guess I just feel bad that I may have gone too far. About a month ago he sent me an email and text messages to ask how I was doing, at that time I was still hurting and angry, thus I ignored him completely and even changed my phone number! It is not my nature to be so "cruel"..thus I feel like sending an email, just to have some inner peace.

[purpleberry]

^ Closure is for you, not for anyone else. In the healing process, it's a stage you reach within yourself. Keep your head up.

 

How do I know when I reach closure then? Are there signs?

[purpleberry]

Depending on someone who has left you for closure, is just not going to turn out well..

 

I am not sure if the gesture of sending him a final email is depending on him, since I am not expecting him to reply. One thing that still bothers me is the way I ended all conversation with him so abruptly that even his family won't be able to reach me - I changed my phone number. Thus I thought if I send him an email, I will feel better about myself..

[utopie]

Hi Purpleberry,

 

You really should not because anything he is going to say to you after (if he does) not only won't satisfy you but will also keep you wondering and set you back. Accepting the fact that you won't get closure is hard (I had to do it with my BF of 3 years who broke up with me 2 months ago) but letting go is ultimately the best thing for you.

As for you being cruel, don't believe it for a second. You're not being cruel. He broke up with you, not the other way around. What is a stronger way of saying "I don't love you anymore, I don't want you as a partner anymore" than that? None. You don't owe him anything. You are actually respecting his decision by not contacting him and giving him all the space he wanted.

If he really wants to go back to you, if he realizes that he truly loves you and you're the one for him, no matter what you do or say, he will find his way back.

[unknownfuture]

Did she respond your email afterwards? I don't expect him to reply at all..I guess I just feel bad that I may have gone too far. About a month ago he sent me an email and text messages to ask how I was doing, at that time I was still hurting and angry, thus I ignored him completely and even changed my phone number! It is not my nature to be so "cruel"..thus I feel like sending an email, just to have some inner peace.

 

Yes she did respond, I knew she would though. Had about 4 emails back and forth.

 

The contact where they ask how you are feeling I'm now thinking is them maybe feeling guilty for hurting us. Unfortunately I turn this into hope.

 

When you are ready to let go, you will know sending the email doesn't matter. I know I'm not there yet.

[motley802]

If you think it will give you inner peace and an opportunity to move on completely then do send that email. BUT don't expect response (even mention in the email "I don't expect your response"). Else you'll find it harder to move on completely in case he doesn't respond.

[Saffron_]

A lot of people feel the need to send a 'last letter' to make themselves feel better...but it rarely works. Some find peace, but mostly people either get hurt/frustrated by the lack of a response, they get hurt/frustrated by the response they get, or they feel the same/worse for initiating contact again and it sets them back in their healing. If this guy broke up with you for somebody else, then it's be weird for you to wish him well in his new relationship. And as for feeling bad about going NC. Don't! Has he tried to contact you in the past 1.5 months for anything meaningful?

 

BTW, from the sound of your first post, he did indeed leave you to pursue another girl. Either that or he left you to 'sow his wild oats' so to speak. People often refer to it as grass is greener syndrome. You've made a good decision for now to cut contact. If you feel differently later on down the line, you can revise your decision later on. But for now, you need this time and space to gain some perspective. If you don't take it, you might regret it.

[Saffron_]

"A week after he knew her, we fought twice (about money and his negligence in giving me attention) and he texted me to call off the engagement, citing that he was sick and tired of the fightings and he was the biggest supporter of leaving the relationship open because our future was uncertain. I was shocked, and blamed myself for being needy and unreasonable; I called him immediately, apologized and asked for second chance. He said he would think about it, but the next day he still stood firm with his decision that he doesn’t want to be committed in a relationship/marriage. But he wanted us to remain bf/gf relationship. I didn't want to push him so I agreed. Couple days later, he informed his parents about this broken engagement and told me to do so too. Then the next day he broke up with me over skype, he was emotional and telling me that it’s the hardest decision he had to make. He wanted me to be his good friend. I couldn’t believe what happened, I was calm and trying to figure out what exactly happened to him, I agreed to be in an open relationship with him. He also asked me to change his relationship status and delete our photos on his facebook profile. I did it (and I regretted now). He never called afterwards, only sending me emails asking how I was doing. I realized I would end up getting hurt and ignore his emails. When he called, I cried and told him I couldn’t be in an open relationship with him, he coldly said “well, we broke up then. But can we be friends?” I broke down and asked why. “Because I don’t hate you.” I hung up and he sent me an email titled “my final email”. It was business like and formal. I couldn’t figure out what suddenly went so wrong thus I called him two days later to ask him questions. He mentioned that his feelings for me diminished and he felt no love. He only saw me as a friend. I questioned whether he had interest in the young female teacher at his school, he said “hmm..right now no. I don’t know..she is only 19, I am almost done it will be a long distance relationship again.”

 

It's completely understandable that you cut him off. I'd have done the same, if I'd been strong enough.

[dobbin]

i am in the same boat as you. broke up with my live in bf of 6.5 yrs about 3 weeks ago. been in low contact with him just to sort out house/car issues and it's been driving me crazy!!!! all of a sudden there is no logic or rational in his actions towards me. it feels like he is just trying to buy time to see if i will change my mind. i wont. i have no intention to go back there given how he has treated me since the last 4 weeks. i dont even know who he is anymore.

 

at times i feel tempted to send a 'final email' to him for closure not for anyone else, but for myself. when i sit and think about it, i came to understand that this person doesnt deserve any email from me. why do i waste my time on someone who doesnt care? why love someone who doesnt love you? why cry for someone who doesnt shed a tear for you? move on! put urself first! take care of ur health because u at a vulnerable time right now. he doesnt care for you why should u care for him? i am not being selfish, i am just putting myself first because obviously he didnt put me first which is why we are not together anymore. u are strong enough without him. tell urself you do not need anyone in ur life who doesnt have your best interest. if he wanted you back he knows how to get you back. never put anyone on a pedestal except yourself. dont hold ur breath for him to change either, you are only leading urself on. it sounds cliche but time heals all pain. one door closes and another door opens. keep your head up and your hopes high.

[Liraele]

No. Even though you say you're not expecting a reply, it will hurt if he doesn't - and it will hurt if he does. That's the kicker - once they don't want you back, or you know for certain that it really is over, ANY contact hurts.

 

If you want to write it out, do it in a journal. He no longer deserves to see or share your feelings or pain. He made that choice.

[butterflyburn]

I suspect that u shall send the email anyway. I thought it would help me too but I sent it, he said nothing and I spent weeks nursing that hurt having been in no contact for ages and healing before. It really reset the clock.

 

Closure is a myth or at least u do not need it. I feel it is just often an excuse to see if u have any chances left. Just move on but if u feel that u really need to send that email do it but then sit tight in the weeks ahead because you are going to feel really dreadful and shall want to numb it by more contact...

 

Look at it this way as everyone on this forum says, if u do nothing u do not have screw anything up

[winniethepooh]

I am moving forward nowadays, although from time to time I still have unsettling emotions. I no longer hold grudges or anger towards his actions, knowing that we were probably not right for each other.

If you still have unsettling emotions then you might still be angry, or feel angry at times. And you can't be sure you're looking at things objectively.

 

Because other posters are not emotionally involved with you or your ex, even if we might not be rational about our own situations, we might be more objective about yours.

 

I basically cut him off out of my life out of blue 1.5 months ago and now I feel bad that I did so.

You didn't, he did, and by leaving you he forced you to face life without him. You shouldn't feel bad for trying to respect and accept his decision.

 

I am thinking of sending him a final email, basically telling him that i am good with the break up, thanking him for giving me a chance to grow/start a new life and wishing him well in his career and his new relationship.

You're not good with the break up yet - you said so earlier in your post.

 

He didn't GIVE you a chance to grow/start a new life, he forced you to face that by leaving you.

 

If/when you write a letter like that, you are sending him positive energy. That drains your energy, which you need right now. You won't feel better for trying to make him feel better at the moment because you're still emotionally affected by the break-up.

 

You know, when my ex left me she wrote me a letter trying to explain why. I replied, and in my reply I was tempted to say thank you (for leaving me - I did say thank you for the explanation). I am so glad I didn't because I didn't really feel thankful. I felt hurt.

 

I do not expect him to reply. It will be like a closure email on my end. Do you guys think it is a good idea?

If you want closure by wishing him well, then by all means wish him well and thank him for your new life. Just don't tell him that. How does it benefit you to tell him what you are thinking/wishing?

 

How do I know when I reach closure then? Are there signs?

When you don't have the desire to send a thank you letter. When you don't have the urge to contact him for any reason whatsoever. When you don't care whether or not you need to tell him you wish him well in his future. When you are happy if he is happy but don't care whether or not he knows how you feel. When you feel that the break-up was a good thing for you because of what you've done since the break-up, not because you think he made the right decision for you.

[charmed83]

Hi purpleberry,

 

I sended my ex an email 2 months after the break up that i wanted to thank him for all the love and good times we had together and that i wished him good luck with his new love.

He replied to me that he also wanted to thank me for the love i gave to him and that he will always love me as if i am his sister for ever in his heart. So that meant alot to me and i am glad i sended the final mail to closure.

[purpleberry]

Thank you guys for all the replies! I sat down and thought about it, I decided to not to send him anything for the moment..I guess I have to wait until I have no feelings anymore towards this relationship.