Back together -now what?

[john one]

This is a long post- I aplologize for any irrelevent info if there is any.

 

The love of my life is back in my life. I wanted NOTHING more than for this to happen. She broke up with me to find out if I was a good or bad thing in her life and explore. I gave her space, tried to focus on my own life and develpoment, and what do you know? She ends up wanting to work things out. Yes!! Like I've said in other posts, this has happened before, but I was somewhat convinced that this would be THE BIG ONE, or at least A big one -a true test of our love. This one, I thought would change everything one way or another. If she went her own way, I'd find my own too -if she decided I was right for her, we would form a stronger, healthier, new relationship. So when she told me "I want to be with you and work things out", it brought a level of happiness in me that could cause a heart-attack.

 

This sounds like a fairy tale with a happy ending, BUT things are not as I envisioned. What I pictured in my mind -if we got back together- and what is -now that we are back together- are different indeed. I knew there would be alot of work to do to get our relationship rolling again, but I thought it would be easier than it is turning out to be. Things are not as clear-cut in my mind as they usually are. I'd like to hear some opinions.

 

I thought that if she found in her heart that I was the one for her, she would make much more of an effort to make the relationship work this time around, to keep us BOTH happy. I thought she would be much more willing to make comprimises and things of that sort, now that she has figured out that I'm "the one". Instead, I'm feeling as if she still doesn't get the big picture. She came back to me too quickly. I don't think she had enough time to truly realize how important and valuable a companion I am, and that to be in a serious relationship you need to make some adjustments. Now, even IF this were the case (even if she didn't learn as much as one would hope for), the last thing I want to do is force her to take more time away from me, because she will definitely take it negatively as if I don't trust her word or judgement. This is causing my dilemma -I don't know what to do about solving our past issues this time around. I want to make things better, but I'm not sure which is the best way, and can't help but to feel like if I don't fix our problems -no one will. It seems as though the success of this team (my girl and I) relies much more heavily on me, which is alright with me if I can handle it. I'm not clear yet though, on what my options are. With a couple of replies to this post, I think I'll be able to come up with a good plan.

 

Here are a couple of issues that hindered our relationship before the split, and continue at this point to slow our progress. My dilemmas, if you will:

 

-she didn't like the fact that although I never tried to stop her from, or verbally got angry about, her going out with both male and female friends to places I didn't think were appropriate for people in committed relationships (bars and clubs) and getting drunk EVERY weekend, she knew it bothered me. This made her feel guilty which she disliked, and didn't think she should have to feel guilty about something she felt wasn't wrong. She could see that despite my concern, I would do my best to be cool and accept her choices. She hated seeing hints in my face, hearing slight tension in my voice, and knowing by sense that this was a struggle for me. She hated seeing me try to "act" cool about something she knew bothered me. It also bothered me that after a night out on the town, when it came time to spend the day with me, she would be too hung-over or tired to do anything with me -on top of that- this routine naturally made her subconsciously associate me as the man in her life that she only kicks back and watches TV with. Even though I ALWAYS tried and was willing to do things with her. One of the problems is that she doesn't feel comfortable with "letting loose" in terms of "partying" in front of me. She doesn't associate me in her mind as the man to go out with to have a wild and fun time. In her head, I'm the old-fashioned, loyal, loving, overly concerned bf who she can count on, can talk to (more than others at least), cry in front of (which she does with NO one), and fart in front of. She keeps certain separations in her life -1. party time (with friends only), and 2. relaxing/routine/sometimes boring time (with lover only). I used to do this exact thing long ago, but I've been seeing the damage it could cause for a while now. The thing that sucks about this is -she is so used to this scenario, that it's hard for her to break out, or for me to break her out, of this routine (even with communcation). This is one of my dilemmas.

 

-another is the fact that she didn't like that it bothered me to know that she was spending lots of time with her gay male friend. She doesn't see anything wrong with it. First of all, I was raised in an old fashioned house and taught to look down upon homsexuality and did so for a loong time -she knows this. It was only after my girl became good friends with this gay guy that I decided I had to open up my mind more, if I wanted her to be happy and also show her I'm capable of evolving for the better. She's never really had too many good friends that she enjoyed spending time with, so I didn't want to try and take that away from her. I was the most homophobic, anti-gay guy around, but through my love for her, I changed my whole mindstate. Now, I'm able to except this, and I trust her (I've seen him and I'm pretty sure he's gay), but I just think she spends tooo much time with him. She even spends the night at his house. This is difficult for me to accept, but she doesn't see anything wrong with it because he's gay. What a difficult situation indeed -at this point at least. I've asked her to put herself in my shoes, but she says she wouldn't mind if I had a good lesbian friend as long as she wasn't super attractive. I feel like finding one just to make her jealous and prove her wrong, but I'm sure would be a bad idea. It would look revenge or way to get at her nerves. So that's dilemma number 2.

 

-Another thing I'm trying to find an answer for is how to get her to find herself, find her strength, find her happiness, etc. while we are together. When she split with me, I knew that one of the goals of people who were fresh out of long-term relationships is to find positive change and development which she needed. She wasn't happy with major parts of her life, her career, for example. Well, she didn't figure much out in those areas in the time we were apart. I've always tried to encourage her in many ways to try many angles, but it's neveer been enough to get her to see the light. I'm afraid that if she continues on this path of being mission-less and unhappy with major areas of life, that she'll become confused about us again too.

 

If I don't do anything about these issues and just go with the flow, I'm pretty sure things will just be like before with no real solution. If I come on too strong or hard, I become the control-seeking, father-like figure which turns her off ("okay Dad"). And when I go for the in-between approach, it just doesn't seem to be enough.

 

Some of you might say -find someone else- but this is the girl I want to spend my life with. She's everything I want, but she just needs to grow up more. This is the tuff part -influencing her to grow up at a rate I'd be happy with. I've influenced her a great deal already in terms of mature thinking (her friends know nothing about growing, life, love, appreciation, etc. they are all about fun and drinking their problems away and do nothing for her growth, holding her back from progressing if anthing -although they're nice, fun people), but I'm not satisfied. I won't be satisfied till I can take part in her finding her way. Many of you will say to let her grow up and find her way at her own speed, but don't forget that she is unhappy. I know what that's like. I was a million times worse (suicidal) until my thought processes matured and I found my purpose. Some people never find their way and it's a sad sight -getting through life by abusing one "fix" or another, without any real dream, mission, or purpose. I don't think I could watch the love of my life go through an unhappy life like that for too long.

 

She is a talented artist (I feel she's more talented than me, and I think I have the potential to go down in the books someday), but she doesn't have confidence and thinks there's no future for her in the art world. She HATES school, the thought of it makes her sick. She doesn't know which direction to take, although I've suggested a few. She just doesn't know what she wants, and can't find a way to be happy while searching. I have the same problem with my best friend. He feels behind, feels unskilled/talented, doesn't know where to go/what to do, no dreams, no set goals, and I just don't have the effect I want on him or her no matter how hard I try or how smoothe I talk.

 

So, all replies are welcome and appreciated -everything from rational thought processes to brutal honesty.

 

Thanks for reading....

[john one]

By the way, during our conversation before getting back together, she did agree to communicate more, which gives me more hope 8) . I think it really is true that communication is one of the main keys to a healthy and lasting relationship.

 

This young woman means so much to me. When I look at her, I see the most beautiful young woman I've ever set my eyes on. I know I'm a good judge of character and I see so much potential, talent, strength, and so much more in her, but it just needs to be channeled and focused onto a path. Once that happens, I know there's no stopping her. I would love to be cheering her on, on her way up to the top of whatever peak she chooses. I would love to help her up when she's down, to tend to her wounds when she takes a fall, to celebrate with her when she triumphs. And I would love for her to do the same for me.

[blink282]

You sound like such a good man ! Your friend does not realize how lucky she has to have you in her life.

After reading all this, my first reaction is that you should try to convince her to get professional help. Therapy seems called for !!!

The getting drunk every weekend and self-worth problems point to real issues she needs to work on.

No matter how much you love and help her, it will not be enough if she does not understand where she comes from and where she stands. You are not ( i assume a mental health professional. In the end, she may even resent you for the unconditional love you're providing. If she does not respect and love herself, how can she respect and love someone who thinks she's so special ?

It may sound a bit 'new agey' for you - i was both impressed and schocked with the honesty with which you talk about your homophobia -- but believe me, therapy does help.

 

I have been left by the person I considered the love of my life, early March. I never saw it coming and it came as a HUGE shock. It's a long story, too long to tell here. In the meantime I have learned shocking things about his past and things he's done recently. It's like for 3 and a half years I loved a different person from who he was.

My interpretation is that he ran away from facing his past and guilt, could not deal with it any longer.

I have lost 20 pounds, but I'm on antidepressants and seeing a therapist, which really helps.

Since he left, we have had a heart to heart, honest talk where he told me everything he had not had the courage to tell me before. The weird thing is, I forgive him and still love him, in spite of all the hurt he's inflicted.

So, I understand your unconditional love. The problem is having the person you love accept that love.

He's asked for 2 weeks silence. I think he needs time alone to figure things out. I am deathly afraid that he's going to say that he really does not love me and wants to remain separated.

I must sound really needy and desperate, right ? Well, the great thing about the Internet and communicating with strangers, is .. I don't care.

You must ache like I ache. Here's a big hug to you !!!

[john one]

Thank you Blink -for the compliment (the good man one), your thoughts, relating, and the big hug.

 

I should have mentioned, I've brought up therapy/counseling on several occasions in the past and told her I was willing to go with her -for her own benefit, for my own benefit, and for OUR benefit as a couple. She hates the idea! And you know what? I can understand her feeling. I was made to go to counseling on several occasions (for my anger/rage/suicidal tendencies problem as a kid) by my parents and hated it with a passion. I realize now though, that there can be benefits to talking to an educated professional if you find a good one. I realize now that talking to ANYONE who has experience, knowledge, good common sense, wisdom, or a combination of them, about anything, is definitely a plus. She definitely won't go anytime soon that's for sure though. And I don't want to be too pushy about anything. It's hard to tell the difference between times when "tuff love" is in order, or when shutting up and letting things flow is in order, or when somewhere in beetween is in order. It's a tuff call sometimes.

 

I hope things work out for your situation. If things don't work out with your ex, I hope you find another path to being happy. I wrote some posts and replies on how I was going about finding myself and strengthening myself in the recent past. They might be good reading for you or anyone else who has recently found themselves alone. Good luck to us all...

 

And keep those replies comin' everyone....

[juno]

It was really nice reading your last posts. It seems that you have grown a lot in comparison to her. She knows you love her inconditionaly but still holds something inside about some issues she has to deal with. Unfortunatelly she has to find those things herself. Trying to push her recovery will just cause her to run. If she is not ready to face those issues then she will not do it now. She likes spending time with her gay friend cause gay people connect better with women bieng more sensitive and harmless to be with in terms of feelings. She knows he wont hurt her when sharing thoughts and feelings about personal experiences. I may suggest you to try to show that you can be vulnerable in front of her. If she knows that, then she may want to start opening a bit with you. Drinks only numb thoughts this is a signal of something hidden. Good luck.

[blink282]

Hey you know offering her to go to therapy with her can only make her more defensive. BAD IDEA !! It sounds like you are a 'take charge' kind of guy with her and she may be irritated with that, in the sense that she may take your love as a control thing.. it's a totally subjective kind of interpretation but you sound like the 'good, accepting guy who always does right'.. ? Maybe it's become boring to her. She decided to be with you because she knows you're good, yet she won't change her behavior.

In due time, maybe she'll understand the value of therapy. Finding someone good can be a hassle. Maybe someone in her entourage can support you in that endeavor..

To bounce back off of what John One was saying, maybe you should try to show more vulnerability; or maybe another facet of your personality, show her that you are not the *perfect* guy after all.

Surprise her ! Act differently ! If you pride yourself on being reliable for her, then don't be for a change. Don't think of it as playing with her mind. I can't think of something concrete to suggest to you, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Maybe I'm talking out of my butt.. Hey it's evening where I am ( I'm in France ) so forgive me.

[emmorey]

Hiya!

 

I read your post, and my initial impression was that you sound really kind, wise, accepting, mature, supportive and solid. However, some girls, especially ones with slightly wilder tendencies, like to get drunk every weekend, will subconsciously rebel from the 'father' figure that you said you don't want to become. It is said people treat you how you invite them to treat you (there's a link to that study somewhere on this site).

 

Perhaps by pushing her so hard to succeed and grow into the woman you think she could be, you are unwittingly inviting her to rebel aginst you? I only say this because I used to be with a guy, my first real love, for two years who was my rock, solid, supportive, we used to hang and watch telly, but used to go out together and get drunk together. But he stopped taking me places, used to stifle my wild, creative side, and patronised me a bit. I don't think you are like this, because you seem to encourage her creativity. But perhaps she is not ready and willing to be encouraged?

 

I'll be brutally honest. Well, not that brutal, but honest. Perhaps she feels a bit like a project? She sounds quite young (sorry if i'm assuming too much!), and may feel like you are trying to mould her into an upstanding young lady that she doesn't want to be just yet? People tend to find themselves a lot faster when they follow their own paths. I don't mean if she has a drinking or drugs problem that you should ignore it. I'm just saying if she is just being young she is naturally going to be a bit rebellious. Also, maybe she simply doesn't want to change? You should love her for who she is, and whilst discouraging any drug problems, she will be more likely to calm down if she feels accepted by you.

 

She probably doesn't appreciate your qualities right now. I fell for (and had my heart broken) by a stunningly handsome but very bad boy after I split up with the first guy, just to rebel, because the first one made me feel like rebelling! Anyway, the second guy turned out like the first! Maybe I made them feel like father figures, although I have a father? Who knows. Anyway, they both used to patronise me, even though one was a year younger, and I felt hemmed in, trapped. All we did was watch telly, neither took me anywhere fun or exciting, like surfing, climbing, a different kind of club (salsa), or a workshop or anything like that! I love trying new activities like that, and they make me thrive and feel happy. Maybe if you suggest new activities, your girlfriend will try to avoid the dreaded Sunday-morning hangover by not getting plastered the night before (British expression), and will have a lot more fun with you in the process! They say adventurous activites bond couples, so this would have a two-fold effect.

 

I hope you work it out, I'd be interested to hear how you get on.

 

em

[blink282]

RIGHT ON, EMM.. I'm a woman too (I just realized one can't tell from the ID... ) and I could not agree more.

We'll help this guy get on the right path with his girlfriend !!!! It's weird, I had the exact same feeling that she is young and he may be older than her. I did not say anything about that but it was very much in my mind. We'll find out when he wakes up I guess !! He was up late writing up a storm, and it's now 12:42 in LA. Give the boy his beauty sleep ..

[john one]

I think ALL of those things you guys mentioned are valid points.

 

Let me offer some more info so that maybe you'll be able to offer some more thoughts.

 

The Facts -

 

Her parents were divorced at around the age of 10 (mine too), and her father now lives out of state. She adored her father, but doesn't speak much with him -just "hi Dad, how are you?", kind of stuff. She doesn't connect with her mother at all, and gets really frustrated with her mother's way of speaking, doing things, and rules of the house -despite the fact that my girl is 24.

 

She's doesn't feel really comfortable with her step-father, who is a nice guy, but just isn't her father. She has to "act" cool with him, even when she doesn't feel like it.

 

Her first bf who she lost her virginity to turned out to be a lying, cheating, druggie. This was about a four year relationship that lasted til about her sophmore year in high school. He got her pregnant, but she didn't tell him about it and got an abortion. This I think this was very traumatic for her at that age.

 

We got together towards the end of her junior year (my senior year) and have been together for 7 years. We've had lots of bumps in the road that we managed to get over. There was alot of growth in that time for both of us. We both used to be completely depressed wrecks. Although she still gets depressed, there has been much improvement in my eyes. She went from hating all people including herself, being anti-social, fearing the idea of joining the working class, not knowing anything about managing money, etc. - to being the life of the party, getting steady jobs, managing her money well, being more positive, etc. Although there is still much room for improvement in some areas -for all of us I'm sure.

 

I used to party hard while she stood home alone. Now she is the one partying while I stay at home alone. If she needs to get things out of her system, that's fine with me, BUT...

 

She is unhappy with the fact that she is living in her mother's house. Unhappy that her job is cool, but has no future in it (she's been there for five years so far), not knowing what career to choose for the future. Unhappy with her body (although most women would die to have her level of fitness). She thinks she's getting fat. She works out often, but doesn't get the results she wants due to her eating habits (just can't stay away from junk food). Unhappy with the fact that she has slacked off in terms of artisitic output and now feels she has lost much of her drawing skill. Unhappy that the car she bought a year ago, which I helped pick out, turned out to have several problems that we are constantly dealing with (I've spent many greasy hours under that car), and she refuses to get rid of it because it's such a beautiful, awesome looking car ('67 Chevelle with immaculate body). Unhappy with the fact that she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.

 

She hates to deal with problems. The thought of all this and what to do about it makes her feel sick. This has been going on for a long time.

 

She hates the thought of going to school.

 

She hates to be controlled or pushed too hard, yet gets frustrated and feels alone when she feels there's nobody there for her.

 

She doesn't like for me to be like a father figure, but also doesn't like for me to be weak and helpless to what's going on around me. She's seen every side of me at both extremes and everything in between.

 

She hates feeling tied down and has a distaste for so called rules of relationships -like having to call often to let your partner know where you are, who you're with, etc. In fact right now I'm at home, she's out, and I've yet to hear from her today. That's often the case, when she is with her friends, she dowsn't want to have to worry about calling her mom or me or anyone. She can be quite inconsiderate.

 

So, there you have it. Now what does a guy do about it? What haven't I thought of or tried? Or what should I go back to trying? What are my options? This is what goes on in my mind, the questions I ask myself. I've tried many different approaches from being demanding to passive -hard to soft. I've tried to entice her into trying new things with me, but nothing interests her. Another problem might be money -I'm not financially secure yet, so she thinks spending money on activities hurts me in that sense -financial. I'm on my way though, it'll take time to build my foundation, but my career path is set (I'm a graphic designer -print).

 

With this information along with the very first thread I wrote for this post, what comes to all of you in terms of what can be done, what can't be done, what approaches are options, what could be good or bad for her/me/us, etc.?

[Gilgamesh]

Hello John One

 

Lots of stuff to read but, its a difficult situation your in, how to help a person that doesnt want to be helped, or in some instances doesnt even see there is a problem. many relationships breakup because of gambling Alcholism, drugs etc. because the person with the problem doesnt realize or accept they have a problem.

 

This may seem an odd idea, but when your back is against the wall and there is little to no options left you are left with whatever you can use.

 

Have you tried talking to her gay friend? tell him your delimma, if he truly is her friend and wants her to be happy, he will try and help her, I am sure he knows that she cares for you. and I am sure he knows everything between you two from her perspective, by you giving him yours, he will see things from your side.

 

Its one thing for her to take advice from her partner which she may feel uncomfortable with, but its another to take advise from a friend. This gay guy, may be able to get through to her in ways you cant.

 

Ultimatly only she can change herself, she will have to want to change, and for that she needs to see what the problems really are. If you try to point them out, she will feel bad, and maybe resentfull. if a buddy does, its a whole different thing.

 

Well, thats the best I can come up with, it seems you two are similar people just out of sync in the developing/growing area. One thing for certain though, she is with you because you are her pillar of stability, deep down she knows shes a little on the wild side, and is reaching for something concrete. I understand you wanting to help her, because you kinda get that feeling shes calling for help, she just doesnt know it yet.

 

Good luck, i hope things work out for you and your love.