tahioti Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Here is some background on our relationship...(this is going to be long) My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 year now, married for almost 2, and have an 8 month old daughter. We moved in with each other within about 10 months of meeting and started going to therapy only a few months after moving in together. We would argue constantly, there would be yelling, crying, etc. A couple of times there was physical stuff. Before I start, I should note that I took full responsibility for the times I got physical and I got help and have learned to control my anger. The first time anything physical happened between us, we were arguing and I tried to call my parents because I was afraid and wanted them to come pick me up. He grabbed me from behind and tried to take my phone away and was holding my hands. I tried to fight him off but couldn't and then bit his arm and he let go. The second time we were in the car and he was arguing with me putting me down and kept calling me a bi*** over and over and over again. I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't and then I hit him in the arm 2 or three times crying and yelling at him that I wasn't. Well years went on, therapy went off and on. Any while it seemed like things would get better, every now and then things would just blow up. He is an angry person, just waiting to blow up at any little thing you might say that will set him off. Throughout our relationship before getting married there were other instances where he used his body to block me into small spaces like the bathroom, or grabbed me and held me to not let me walk away while he would yell at me. On several of those occasions I would either hit his chest or arm trying to get away. Most of the physical stuff stopped until we were married and then I got pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy, but you would think not by the way his attitude changed. We would fight constantly. I once playfully hit his arm in a store because he made a remark about another woman and when we got into the car out of nowhere he hit me as hard as he could on my arm. On another instance he was yelling at me putting me down, telling me how much our unborn baby would hate me, and I went to the other room and lied on the bed to try to escape him. Well he came into the room and uncovered me, took my blanket and pillow, yelled at me to get up and when I wouldn't he tried pulling me off of the bed by my legs. Another time I was getting my debit card out of his wallet (because he had taken it from me the week before when we were arguing and he didn't want me to leave so thought taking my card would do the trick), and he grabbed me from behind and I tripped on our dog and almost fell on my stomach. Our dog also yelped because he got stepped on and I was so angry because I thought what if that was our baby girl years from then. Fast forward to last month, we were arguing again in the car as we often do because he was mad about who knows what... I kept trying to tell him to stop yelling and just let it be because our daughter was asleep and kept tossing and turning almost waking up because how loud he was being. He wouldn't stop. Once we got home I put our baby in the room and tried to lay with her but he kept yelling and told me he'd stop if I went out to the living room to talk to him. I did for a while but then couldn't take the scolding anymore and I told him I was just going to go to bed. We co sleep with our daughter. When I went into the room he followed me and grabbed me arm trying to stop me but I kept walking into the room and lied on the bed right next to our daughter. Then he told me if I was going to bed I didn't need my phone (which normally I keep bedside anyway) and he got on the bed behind me and wrestled with me to get the phone out of me hand with our daughter only being a few inches away from me. To me that was the last straw but then I thought it over and thought I should give him a chance to go to anger management and counseling. He said he didn't want to go to anger management but went to counseling. He has went twice now but hasn't scheduled a third, and both times we've gotten into an argument about his session because he's said things that make me feel like he's blaming me. For instance he said his therapist told him that if we went to couple's counseling they'd be able to tell easily if I had postpartum depression (he always says I must have PPD and that's why we're having issues). Some things that he has done in the past is put me down, yelled at me in front of our daughter, and made me feel very guilty about all sorts of things. Some of the things he has told me throughout our relationship is that I am stupid, dumb, good for nothing, a worthless wife, a bad mother, don't care about my daughter, I am selfish and don't make my daughter my priority, a bird brain, went to college for nothing, blahblahblah. I am a good mother, just ask anyone else who knows me. I am a SAHM and I have a side cake business that I am hardly ever busy with. I do everything with my daughter, and everything for her. I love her to death and she has never even spent more than an hour or 2 away from me and that has been RARE. Things have been slightly better and I feel like he is working on things but my biggest concern right now is I am trying to decipher if he is still trying to control me. Here's some background on the issue I'm about to discuss... Before our daughter was born we would spend time with my parents all the time. I have always been a huge family person and my family means everything to me. Since we dated my husband became part of the family because his family isn't very close (his parents are divorced and he hasn't seen his dad in years, like 10 years; even then he is not very close to his brother and mom). We lived with my parents for a couple of months after getting married and there were no conflicts. We got out own place later but he would even initiate calling my parents so we could hang out multiple times a week. Now that our daughter is born he cannot stand my mother. He says that she takes too many pictures of our daughter, and drives him crazy. I can kind of understand this because I cannot stand his mom, but really who is best friends with their mother in law? I stopped working when I was about 8 months pregnant and my mom and I would do everything together while my husband was at work. My mom is my best friend. We shop together, have lunch together, etc. Now that my daughter is born we still see each other almost everyday. I try to stay active with my daughter for my own sake and for hers because she hates being stuck indoors all day and it's easier with my mom because I have help and she always buys lunch and pays gas (besides being a great companion too She has said a couple of things to my husband to upset him unintentionally (like "oh you shouldn't tell her the thunder is scary" or "you should teach her how to swim early on") and he has blown up at me afterward telling me who does my mom think she is that she is obsessed with our daughter and just wants to control her. I disagree with him because my mom has always respected our rules and always asks before giving our daughter anything or doing anything with her even when I or we are in the same room. She even has to ask if she can hold her when we visit if he is there because he will get angry (however his mom will just grab her from me or push me out of the way and he doesn't see a problem with that). She is somewhat opinionated but has not been disrespectful to my husband nor has she tried to interfere with our parenting (except for strongly stating her opinion like stated above). Okay so there is the background, now my issue is that my husband does not want me seeing my mom but MAYBE once or twice a week. He always says its not fair because he claims my mom sees her more than he does. I don't think this is true because my daughter and I are at home whenever he is and we are always at his beck and call. He never wants to see my parents anymore (maybe on a rare occasion) and says my mom is just annoying and disrespectful and causing issues in our marriage. He always needs to know where I am going to be while he is at work, I am talking in great detail. And he gets mad every time I tell him I am going with my mom. I have not told him I was out shopping with my mom ("window shopping" I should note) on a couple occasions just to avoid an argument. He calls me like 10 times a day and gets upset when I don't answer the phone. Sometimes I will be nursing our daughter or putting her down for a nap and I miss his call, well then he will call 5-20 more times and when I miss all of those calls he will either be furious or at least extremely unforgiving and tells me I always have an excuse. He also (it feels like to me anyway) uses my daughter as an excuse to try to get me to stay home like telling me I should stay home all day because my daughter needs rest (but like I said she gets really cranky when she is just home all day AND I do always make sure she gets her naps) or telling me that I need to not go out because I am risking our daughter's life in a car accident. Also I should mention that I do always complete housework, laundry, errands, etc. and it's not like I go with my mom all day and ignore the house. I got slightly sidetracked, but overall I am wanting to figure out if my husband is being controlling and trying to manipulate me by trying to remove my mom from my life or does it seem there really is an issue with my mom and I am just so over concerned about past abuse and control issues that I am making one out of this? Please help. I really want things to work out but I see that we're in an awful cycle and I need some sort of plan to either make sure it get's fixed (and not just temporarily like I think it might be now) or to get away before things really escalate and affect my daughter even more. Thanks for reading. Link to comment
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