Is it time to move on?

[InActingLive]

I'm 26 I've been dating my boyfriend (he is also 26) for a year and I'm starting to wonder if it is time for us to part ways. I live in my own apartment in the city, drive a new car, and am working on my MBA while working full time. He also works full time (we do the same work) but lives in his parent's basement, drives an old car that belongs to them, and they pay all of his bills except his student loan payment. He moved back in with them 17 months ago to get on his feet when he moved into town from several states away and still has abosolutely no plan in place to move out. When I try to talk to him about setting goals or establishing a timeline for moving out he gets angry and refuses to discuss it. He says that he can't think beyond tomorrow. I'm afraid that he has become a failure to launch. Along with this he refuses to discuss any level of committment to me or establishing any future with me. It would be relatively inexpensive for the two of us to split the rent in my building but he refuses to discuss the possibility of living together. He says that he wants to live alone for a while before he lives with anyone else (like me) but won't make any plans to live alone. If I bring up the topic of marriage or whether we would want children in our future he threatens to break up with me. This occurred again last night and for once I told him that I was tired of this and was ready to break up but he changed his tone and said he wasn't actually ready to break up and talked me out of it. His parents are divorced, his mother has never remarried, and his father is on wife #3. My parents, on the other hand have been happily married for 27 years. I'm afraid that he and I have totally different views on committment becuase we were raised with different realities of it. I'm also starting to wonder if I've spent a year investing time in a relationships that ultimately isn't going to end in a lifelong relationship but rather in years of playing cat and mouse until he finds someone or something else that he is more interested in. I need some outside input as to whether I should stay the course with this relationship or start looking elsewhere. Feedback is apreciated.

[DN]

The commitment issue is something you need to sort out but whether he lives with his parents or in his own apartment is his decision and nothing to do with you.

[Awoken]

Your situation sounds very similar to some of the things I am going through. Except I sound like your partner! My gf of 4 years just recently left me. We have a massive age gap, she is 21 and I am 36. She has just finished her degree so is ready to 'see the world', well something like that. She left me because of things like commitment. I have two kids from a previous relationship, and I love them more than anything in the world. Because of certain circumstances I too live with my parents (long story) and we had both looked at moving in together but we just didn't get it sorted.

 

Since you have invested 12months in this relationship I would suggest you sit down (controlling your emotions) and see what each other really wants. Do your best to 'gently' try and understand each others point of view on your relationship. Take your time with this too. It won't be easy. I just wish I had a time machine so I could do the same thing with my ex. At least you and your partner MIGHT be able to sort things out amicably??

 

Hope this helps a little. Keep us up-to-date!

[InActingLive]

DN I feel like his living with his parents has everything to do with our relationship and whether he is stable enough to be in a serious relationship. The fact that he won't think beyond today or take of supporting his own life needs in any aspect of his life scares me. I feel like he isn't going to be able to committ to me or build a life with me because he can't even committ to building a life for himself. The two issues seem completely intertwined to me.

[DN]

Why do you think living with his parents isn't building a life for himself?

 

Living with parents until marriage used to be the norm - it is only comparatively recently that people left home. In some cultures it is still the norm.

[dobbin]

i am 28 and i can totally relate to your story. i moved out as soon as i graduated, so did my ex-bf of 6.5 years. one thing i love about my ex is his independence and career but i ended the relationship 2 weeks ago because i wanted kids/marriage and he wasnt ready for it. my parents have been married for like 30 years and his family is divorced. his mother lives by herself her entire life after divorce and his father is not really happy in his marriage but is afraid to do anything to upset the wife and any possibility of her leaving him.

 

if i were you i would ask why your bf chooses to live at home. is he saving for a down payment for a house with you? is he investing his money? if he is then i would stay with him however i would have issues that he doesnt make plans to commit to you. the commitment issues i would talk to him further to see where he stands.

 

if he is living at home for convenience sake, his parents footing the bill and house and food and car then you need to ask yourself what are you doing with this man? is he a boy or a man? does he have any self respect or does he like to be lazy? it doesnt take much to move out, it's rather easy and very liberating knowing that one can manage everything and be completely independent. how can a man not want that in this day and age is beyond me. i wouldnt even consider dating anyone who lives at home unless he is saving for a house, even that is not a good reason. he should be able to find a well paying job to live on his own and save for the future. i am sorry but it's hard for me to respect a man living off his parents simply because he can. maybe my standards are harsh but a man has got to be a man and you cannot grow up a man living with your parents. if he cannot take care of himself how will he ever take care of you?

 

i think when a man lives at home it gives others the impression that if he is lazy in taking care of himself how will he ever make plans for his future? do you want to be with someone who doesnt have future plans? who doesnt know what he wants and just tags along in life? certainly not me. so talk to him about the committment issue he might not be ready to move in with you yet but if he continues to have no solid plan for his life (whether it be him or you two together) then its time to let this one go. find yourself a man who is worthy of your greatness and has a plan in life.