how do i know im healing? and what does he mean?

[maddis]

I dont know if some of you read my story. To make it short, my bf of two years broke up 9 days ago. He didnt want a gf anymore, or the obligations that follows having a gf ( like keeping in touch, plan ahead when to see eachother (we live about an hour of driving apart and hes really seriuos about football), not be able to run his sparetime excactly like he wanted) i was crushed, but its not been so bad as i thought. Im able to have fun, i dont think about it all the time even tho some moments are worse.

 

But ive been really mad at him to not answer me when i have been contacting him to meet me and get my things back as we planned when we broke up.

 

After a week he sent a text asking me how i was, that he was sorry for how things ended and stuff like that. When i answered he didnt respond. He also sent a message to my closest friends, asking for the truth about how im doing, that he still care alot about me and hope still can be friends (he did not tell me any of that) and that he also cared about my friends and hopes that he is still welcome at our parties and stuff like that, and asked them is they think he has acted like a jerk. my friends were pretty harsh on him, but they were just honest, and said that he shouldnt be asking them about that, he should meet and talk to me.

 

yesterday he texted me and said he wanted to meet, and said that he will text me again when he knew when he was of work. today hes at a kind of end-of-season-party with hos footballclub, which was something i was going to go to aswell. a couple of hours ago he texted me a heart. nothing more than "

 

i know i shouldnt be analyzing this too much. but honestly i was just happy when i got the text, i wasnt sad or confused or anything, i just thought it was nice.

what do you think hes thinking? is it stupid of me hoping for a good friendship with him?

 

and i also want your experiences on how you felt so shortly after a breakup? cause i really like him, and didnt want it to end at all! but im feeling ok, and i wasnt sad for this text, i thought it was nice. does this mean im in denial and that im to "numb" to feel sad? or im i healing ok?

[maddis]

anyone who wants to share their thoughts?

[starrysky]

I am approaching 3 months post BU and am still struggling. Immediately after it happened I was in the worse state possible, suicidal (i still have some times like that). In your case, it has only been a matter of days since he ended it and I think your are probably numb. Everyone is different of course in how we handle a breakup, and how deeply we feel about it, but you were together for a good amount of time and you may need to expect a tough time ahead. I don't think you have allowed yourself to start the healing process for the simple fact that you are still in contact with him. I don't know why he is giving you mixed messages but it's important that you don't hold out for reconciliation and go NC. I know its extremely hard but you must look after number 1 for the time being. Contact is only hurting you in the end and delaying the healing process. Once you make a commitment to NC, you may find you start to feel differently and feelings may start to hurt - thats a sign of healing and letting go even though it doesn't feel like it. You must let the awful feelings run their course. If he really loves you and realizes he made a mistake, he will let you know. Just don't hold out for this.

 

Listen to your heart: do you really want someone who will break up with you? Do you really want someone who does not want the "obligations" of having a gf? You deserve so much more.

[maddis]

the thing is that for the last 3 months we were together, we had alot of problems. he customized which persons who could see that we were in a relationship in fb. he broke me down in so many ways. in the beginning of our relationship i was the "strong" one, who stood up for myself if i thought he was doing something wrong, and he was really hurt by that. that eveloped into him being much colder, and i became more vulnerable. in the end, everytime he got mad at me for something he cut all contact with me for 2 or 3 days and said he wanted to break up. everytime i wanted to talk to him about something i felt he just said "why you have to ruin a good moment? this is why i dont want to be with you anymore! you just cant let yourself to be happy with me, you have to destroy everything!" and so on. and if he really did something wrong and i let him know, i always ended up being the one to say that i was sorry for reacting that way, cause he got mad.

 

so in a way i am ok with him breaking up, because i understand that it may have been for the best. and if he regrets now, and want me back, im not sure im going to accept that. because he´s moving to america after the summer, and we have to many issues for me to feel that i can trust him enough to be in a long-distanse relationship.

 

but i really want to stay friends with this guy, because he has so many things happening for him now and in the future. we have been so close, this realtionship has been so intense, and we have shared so many things together. and for the last month or two, things were going good between us, but maybe more like a good friendship. we are planning to meet this meek, for the first time since the BU. i feel i need this to say what i want to say (since i just cried last time i saw him). and right now i feel that i need that meeting to move on, maybe it will be harder for me after the meeting, but i feel we have to clean the air between us and set boundaries.

 

its just so hard because on one way i really want to get back together with him, but i also know that the smartest thing to do is not to get back toghether, cause we cant make eachother happy and still be happy with ourself. but i feel that the most important for me right now is to be friends with him. but after reading everything on ENA, i feel that i shouldnt have this feeling, cause it may be a bad idea. but thats not how i feel.

do you think i just mess with my own head and feelings by wanting this friendship to work? does anyone here actually have a good experience being friends with an ex shortly after a BU?

[loulou37]

Don't whatever you do be his friend, it's just prolonging the agony on your side and it will give him support getting over the break up, i'm sorry but i think he's an * * * * * * * , he likes to be in control of everything, it's all about him!!

 

He texts, you answer, you text, he ignores you...and then this with the bloody heart!! what's that all about?

 

Go NC, cut him off, he's not any friend of yours hun...a definition of a friend is:

A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.

 

Where's the mutual affection?

 

 

loulou x

[maddis]

thank you yes i agree with you. he has not been treating me the way i deserve. but still we had some amazing times together, and its so hard to let go of that. but im going to meet him this week, and after that im going NC, i have some things that needs to be said. i feel that while we were together i wasnt allowed to say how i felt about how he was treating me cause i didnt want us to fight, i want him to know all of that. and i also want my things back.

 

ahh i thought i actually was going good, yesterday when he sent me that heart, i actually just thought it was nice, today im really overanalyzing what he ment

[starrysky]

he broke me down in so many ways.

 

This line says it all. You do NOT need this person in your life.

 

I completely agree with loulou - he is loving the control, you're basically telling him you will be there no matter what and he sees you as disposable, as simply support to get through the breakup. Meanwhile you will be left high and dry, he will have moved on and you will be left wondering why you didn't cut contact sooner.

 

I don't want to sound harsh but you have come here for advice, and there is a lot of great advice given on this site. Heed it. DO NOT meet him, you will only hurt yourself. Start healing right now by going NC. Even if you realize the relationship wasn't for the best, you still need time to heal. You may feel the need to 'clear the air', but you will never be fully satisfied with the answers. It's pointless. And it's simply an excuse to see him once more and delay the realization that it's actually over.

 

It is up to you wether you meet him and keep responding to him. But if you really want to move on, be committed to NC and do not meet. There is no friendship here.

[maddis]

its not harsh, its helpful thank you its just so hard when you know a person so well and suddenly you are supposed to be strangers. i care about him, i think he is a nice and loving person in so many ways, he has just a strange way of dealing with things. i have just felt that for the past year or so, i havent been able to tell him what he does wrong, and i thought it may help to stick up for me now, instead of him thinkin that thats the right way to behave in a relationship. but i will stick to the NC. if he wants to, and contacts me, he can come to my house and give me my things. i will not use my time to meet him, and use my energy to arrange a meeting with him. thank you this is going to be hard

[maddis]

he called me tonight, just to hear how i was and he wanted to hear my voice. he started crying and said he missed me so much. he wanted to come to me on tuesday to talk, i said he could. we havent talked or met since he broke up 10 days ago. im really not over him, and it may be much worse after meeting him, but i feel like i cant say no to him coming over. he seems to take this much harder than me. i have been sad, but he said he had cried himself to sleep everyday, and missed me and even asked me if me and my friends wanted to spend new years eve at his cottage with him and his friends (like we had planned before the break-up) i dont know if he means that he wants to get back together, or if he just miss me and that this is his way to stay friends. but it was really hard hearing him cry so much, i havent heard him so sad ever.

 

i know its not for the best to do this, but i just cant say no

[starrysky]

I know its incredibly hard, but you are by no means alone. I feel so sad that i saw this person everyday, he was my everything, and now we are like strangers. But it must be that way for me to heal.

 

The things you want back, are they really important? Or is it just excuse to see him? You must be honest with yourself. IF you decide you need these things back then let it just be that, an exchanging of items and no talking. The relationship is over and there is nothing that needs to be said anymore. You may feel that you need to tell him what he did wrong, but that will accomplish nothing. Write these things down in a letter and then burn it. Stand up for yourself by going NC immediately, that is the single most important thing you can do for yourself at this point.

[starrysky]

Well then you must find out very soon if reconciliation is really going to happen. Otherwise he will mess you around because he knows you can't say no to him. Find your inner strength.

[maddis]

thats why i said he could come. since he´s now calling me and says that he really cares about me and that he misses me and invited my to this cottage, i feel like we owe eachother to talk it out. if he wants a reconciliation he needs to know that he cant keep doing those things he did anymore. im not going to be weak, ive been that for long enough, and i do not want to go back to the problems we had. but i want to go back to the good things we had, because we really had a good relationship aswell, with so many intense feelings. but i dont want to hope that we will get back together, cause i dont know what he wants, or what was his meaning of this phonecall. i just have to keep dealing with my emotions as if we still are broken up, and take whatever happens when it comes.