She broke up with me, but she still loves me.

[Mguy2015]

Okay, so I'm 19 (young, but can still experience love.) now, making it through college, life has been changing, and now my (ex)girlfriend and I have broken up.

 

My (ex)girlfriend and I went out for just over a year. I know it's not that long, but it grew quickly and constantly. We hit it off right at the start and began dating shortly after. We constantly talked about everything that came to mind even before there had been full trust between us. I soon gained (what I thought) was complete trust from her. She even admitted that she had trust issues and she didn't believe in either love or marriage. I went with it. Three months went by and she told me that she loved me. She said that I was the greatest guy that she had ever met and she had never felt that way about anybody. She even told me that I was the first guy that she ever felt she could marry. We talked about the future often.

 

After our 3 month, which as I'm told is the only non fighting period of a relationship, we were still going strong. We eventually hit small moments of tension; never a serious argument or anything. We would quickly talk about it, fix it, and then be even better than we were before. We talked about nearly everything that affected one of our emotions. About five months in she went on a trip to Greece. A guy ended up kissing her for a second or two when they were drunk. She said she didn't want it or like him, she just hadn't made the effort to push him away. I figured we could take a break after talking about it before deciding on whether or not to stay together. I knew she loved me and it wasn't intentional(however wrong it was), so we decided to keep going. We shared so many great experiences together on a near weekly basis. There were so many good memories made.

 

A few months into college and we were still going strong. There were a few periods of tension where I'd feel unappreciated, so we'd either fix it or, on one occasion, take a short break. We supported each other in so many ways, although she admitted that I had put forth more effort and that she felt selfish sometimes. She has always been tough on herself when it comes to failing or not being the best that she can be. She would tell me that she didn't feel like she was the best girlfriend and that I deserved better. I tried to ignore it. I just loved her. I looked past it. Over the past few weeks, I did bring up that she seemed like she didn't appreciate me enough, and it made her feel bad. I told her she was still a good girlfriend and I loved her, but I just wanted to know that I was loved too. That may be a little selfish, but who can deny that they need to feel loved? The night before (she) broke up with me, we were supposed to hang out. We grabbed dinner and then she told me she was going to go out with a friend after I helped her with her paper. It bothered me that she was going to ditch me when we had plans. I didn't say anything about it. She said she'd text me, but didn't until about 1 AM. She usually gets sleepy early and, as of lately, we would just lay around watching t.v. or something, rather then going out. I didn't appreciate that she would do anything that her friends wanted to do, for as long as they wanted, whenever they wanted when she wouldn't do the same for me. She asked if I was mad, and I said "no". My texts were a little passive-aggressive though. I asked if we could talk and she said "yes". She was supposed to come see me and said she'd be up in a few. She didn't come, so I called. No answer. She later texted me saying that she couldn't come see me. Then she broke up with me over a text while a few of her friends were in the room. I thought I'd deserve a little more respect than that, but she couldn't bring herself to say it without crying. She said she was unhappy for the past week or two and that she couldn't do it anymore. We took a break with no contact for awhile. Today we met up. We went for a quick drive and parked so we could talk. I got straight to the point. "Are you done with us?" She said "yes". We talked about a good bit of it for over an hour or two. She said I was an amazing guy, I put so much effort into it, I hadn't done anything wrong(so whats up?), I made her happy, I supported her, and that she still loved me. She cried so many times within that period of time. She asked me if we could eventually be friends. I had to say no. There was no way I could deal with that after how I felt. She looked at me in disbelief. I told her that I had done so much for her and that I just had to do this for me. She said she understood. After we had said everything, we sat for awhile. I asked if she was ready to go. She said "no". I knew why, but I asked her why she wasn't ready. She told me that she didn't want to because she didn't want to go without talking to me and seeing me. We sat longer and then eventually left. We swapped our stuff back and then said good bye.

 

I told her I was sending my last text before it was over. I told her my wishes for her, my feelings, that she had been the girl whom I loved, and then good bye. I nearly cried. I know almost without a doubt that she did. As I'm deleting everything about her, I see a post she wrote. It said "That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I hate that you don't even want to be my friend. Whatever then. I loved you. I still do", and then "I'm legit upset right now". Did I make a mistake in closing the door? I know she needs a few changes to be made before she can lead on a successful relationship, but I just closed the door. IF she still loves me the way she did, is there potential in the future? I feel that this girl was legitimately one of the best that I could ever find. I realize that there are always other "fish in the sea", but I can't help but feel that not being together feels so wrong. It's not even that I'm just trying to hold on. Something just seriously does NOT feel right about ending this. I won't ever pursue her unless I know that she wants it. Even then, I'll have to decide if I do as well...

 

What's in this future? I need a fortune cookie.

 

P.S. Sorry for the incredibly long post. Lots said. Lots unsaid. Thanks for any replies, and good luck to anyone else going through anything similar. Time really is the only thing to heal this; it's just a little early for it to kick in for me.

[Bergk]

Hi.

 

I recognised quite a lot of similarities when reading to my break-up (I am a few years older). Girl still confesses love but is the one who ends it. It seems you made your position to her clear; that you didn't want it to end - so for the moment, I wouldn't initiate any contact with her at all. Hold your head high, you have been respectful to her despite your heartbreak and the method she ended it with you.

 

I don't blame you for telling her that you couldn't be friends; but she is probably angry at you for it. Stay strong. Her ideal situation would have been for you to tell her that you can be good friends; it would lessen her guilt and give her a comfort of sorts knowing you are still around and would be there for her - potentially, moving on with other people whilst you continue to cling on to any hope that the two of you could get back together.

 

Despite her saying she loves you, you have to see that she still ended the relationship for an important reason. Why was she unhappy the last few weeks? It just seems like she didn't want to commit and work at the relationship with you - and would prefer the single life - because you didn't mention her giving any faults or mistakes you made?

 

I would say you have done the right thing.

She may realise she has made a huge mistake and contact you. But I would begin making steps to move on.

 

Good luck, hope this has helped in some way.

[Mguy2015]

I honestly think her problem was working at the relationship. She always said she wanted to. She told me how much it meant to her, how much she cared about it, and how much she loved me. I asked her before, "why wouldn't you try harder if you care as much as you say?" She replied that she just felt selfish sometimes. Then she'd put so much more effort into it and things would be incredible.

 

"because you didn't mention her giving any faults or mistakes you made?" Yea... She never had a problem with anything I did. If she ever did anything that bothered me, I would try my best not to do the same to her. I felt like I was the only one who ever had a problem with anything. I just always looked past it, I guess.

 

I'm still not sure which way I want this to work, but I've actually begun to feel a lot better today. I obviously still want it, but at the same time I realize that it might not be the right thing to do. Something about ending it still just doesn't seem right.

 

Thanks for the reply and the advice. It's much appreciated.

[chitown9]

Well, don't be surprised if she tries to make contact with you sometime in the fairly immediate future. When she does this, you need to send her a clear message that you don't wish any contact from her unless it is to reconcilliate....

[Mguy2015]

Wow. She actually made contact with me two days after. We talked. A lot. She said so many things that didn't make sense to me at first. I was trying to believe it was over while still hoping for the best. She said she still wanted to be with me. I tried not to convince her of anything since I wasn't trying to beg for her back or anything. She said she just couldn't think of a happy medium between being an individual and staying with me. She asked me what I thought and I hesitated at first. I just suggested that if we were to ever be together again, we would have to make time for friends, too. She thought about it, and then was like, "so would you like to try that and get back together?" Talked some more and then came to agreement. We were together again and now all of our friends are happy. We've been together for 3 days now and we're happier than ever. We are more open about everything and she finally realizes that she isn't a bad girlfriend. It's funny. We keep bringing up the same thing and start laughing almost. We click really well and we almost just slip into our own little world when we're together. (Ex: Yesterday we got dinner and put out a blanket in the middle of a field surrounded by people, cars, roads, and even a tennis court. Three hours pasted and we didn't even realize how long it had been or where we even were...) It happened so much that we would sometimes shut everyone out. While in college, it's tough doing that. If we continued to do that, we would miss out on so many friends and experiences. This time around we're going to watch out. It's just funny that we worry about doing the same thing again. We enjoy being with each other so much that it hurt us. Paradox? Well, hopefully this relationship will continue to grow for the best. I know it's worth it and so does she.

 

Thanks for any comments posted and good luck to any others with relationship issues. Space is required for relationships. It allows you to grow together while still being apart. You get time to miss each other and it makes it that much better. Just don't get too much space or you'll grow apart. Relationships...not easy

[Bergk]

Happy for you. All the best!