I am not strong enough.

[jessikuh]

Hello everyone. This is really new to me... I've never really posted my personal life on the internet to complete strangers in hope of getting help, but at this point... I'm ready to try anything to get rid of this pain. I can't stand it anymore.

 

I've been in love with my best friend for two years. He's wonderful. We have so much in common. We talk to each other about everything. He makes me feel comforted and loved and beautiful and so many other emotions. Him and I have done everything together. We texted constantly. From first think in the morning to right before we'd go to bed. We always said we loved each other before bed. We haven't missed a night.

 

Last night was the first in over a year and a half that I did not end my night by texting him "I love you, goodnight."

 

I've gone through the pain of watching him fall head over heels over my best friend, some random spazzoid for about like two months or so, and then... falling in love with this girl, whom I absolutely despise now. I can't stand anything about her. And this part isn't about bias- she really is a total b-word to me. But she's all passive aggressive about it so I can't call her on it.

Anyway.

They dated for like 10 months, and the whole time they were he was quite cuddly, physically, and inappropriately flirty with me for someone who had a girlfriend. Then, they decided to break up because he moved a state away to go to college. Before he moved, we went camping. And we slept in the same tent along with another one of our friends. He had been cuddling with me all night. Neither one of us slept. We stayed up talking. At about 2 in the morning, our other friend was asleep, and I was falling asleep lying on his chest, and he rubbed my back an told me not to go to sleep yet. Then he said that he needed to move around because his shoulder was falling asleep. So he turned over on his side and held me really close and put his head in between my shoulder and my neck. He said "You're wonderful. I love you, baby." and I told him I loved him too. Platonically, of course... at the time I guess I meant it like that. Then he asked if he could kiss me. And so I kissed him on the forehead. And he said "No, not like that. I mean actually kiss you." and I said yes. So he kissed me. Twice. And then we started laughing and holding each other really closely. And he said "Jess... we just kissed. Can you believe that?" and I said "I know. it's crazy" and he said "I don't know why I feel like this. I just do. My heart is beating so fast." and he kissed me again. And then he said that he was really happy. And we fell asleep for a little while.

 

But the next morning, neither of us mentioned anything about it. By the afternoon, I finally brought it up, and asked him if it meant anything to him... and he said no.

 

It broke my heart. It meant a lot to me. I really felt a connection. But he felt nothing.

 

And now... three months later... he told me when he comes back home, he's getting back together with his ex. I lost it. I told him everything. I told him that I liked him.

Of course he was all "I knew that already."

But he did the whole 'Youre too good for me" thing and said that he couldn't see him with me because he felt like I was always judging him over stupid things and that I was too caring, almost to the point of mothering. And he said "I know you don't want me to, but I'm getting back together with my ex, and that's just how it's going to be.'

So I told him that I couldn't do it. I seriously just freaking couldn't do it. It was so much pain being around them the first time, I just couldn't do it a second time. I told him that if he were to get back together with her, then I could not be friends with him. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I'm being petty and saying "It's her or me.". I seriously CAN'T. It's too painful.

And even though he told me at the beginning of their relationship "She's not going to ever come before you, I promise." He told me point blank last night that he cares about her more than he does about me. Even after all we're been through.

He picked her over me. I talked to him on the phone for 45 minutes after I tried to come up with a solution, but realized that I couldn't... I just cried like a freaking child and spilled everything to him. Everything I've been afraid to say to him over the past two years. It all was said last night. I had no censor. The sense in the back of my mind that said 'Don't say that- you're going to sound like a damn idiot.' was completely turned off.

I spoke completely from my heart. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I was IN love with him. He really does mean more to me than anything in the world.

 

It's been about 48 hours since this initially started. 36 since I spilled my heart to him. 24 since he last texted me saying goodbye.

 

I'm heartbroken. I'm shattered. I'm depressed. I feel so empty. I haven't eaten anything in two days. I slept for about an hour or two last night. I don't think I slept at all the night before. I'm cold. Physically cold. I'm nauseous. And my chest hurts so badly. I've lost count of how many time's I've cried. I constantly have the feeling of the tears behind my eyes. My face feels dry and residued from the salt in my tears that ran down my face. My skin is paler. I'm just not well. It's started to effect my job. I work in a day care, and of course, little kids between the ages of 2-5 or so think that grown-ups never cry EVER. So I have to hold it in at all costs at fear of losing my job or scaring the hell out of these little kids. But they notice. I had a little four year old girl come up to me yesterday and say 'Miss Jessica, you look sad. Why are you sad?" Which of course broke my heart even more.

I can't even find any type of joy in my most favorite activities. When I think about it, I really have a lot to look forward to... but I can't get myself to get excited about any of it. None of it sounds even remotely fun.

I would give anything up for him. He stole my heart two years ago, and now even though we no longer are even talking, he still won't give it back. And I can't take it back no matter how hard I try.

 

I feel so weak.

 

Lord, take my hand.

I am not strong enough.

I am not strong enough.

 

Lord, take my heart.

I am unworthy.

[dallasdaisy]

Yes you are strong enough, you are sharing your feelings, that is a big step. I felt the same this morning and then I texted a friend and met them for breakfast. Most of the time I do not reach out and end up initiating contact. This guy does not deserve me or my heart but has them anyway. I am terrribly heart broken and very shy and

am determined to make myself meet new people at least to have more friends if nothing else.

 

My first post was last night. I am going to borrow your prayer.

 

Lord, take my hand.

I am not strong enough.

I am not strong enough.

 

Lord, take my heart.

I am unworthy.

[KYRiverGrl]

You are strong enough. Wow, he was such a heartless cad. Do what you can to recover, and do it for YOU. I will post another prayer that has helped me (and millions of other people) tremedously:

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

 

I have a doggie and she loves little stuffed toys. One day I brought home a "Mr. Bill" toy (Mr. Bill was on the original Saturday Night Live ... oooo nooooo!) Anyway, you can press (or step) on him and he says "ooo noooo". It is great. I think of ex and step on Mr. Bill hard. It is amazing how much that helps release the anger w/o making too much noise or any destruction ;-)

[DylanNotorious]

Wow I'm really sorry to hear this. How dare he play with your feelings and heart like that. And he did play with them, he asked to kiss you twice! You have done the right thing calling it quits in the contact department. And I think you did the best thing possible telling him how you feel. No regrets. He does not deserve your friendship and it's not because you never got to be with him, it's because he did play with your feelings and that frankly is not on.

[dallasdaisy]

My guy is a heartless cad also. I love him, but I don't want him back. I want off the rollercoaster I allowed him to put me through. He chose his new girl over his own children. I am not the mother of these boys but love them and know they are hurting.

[jessikuh]

Thanks for the support from everyone. The serenity prayer has been one that I've always held dear. I've been saying it a lot in the past two days.

 

The worst part is I know this is hurting him too. I don't think as much as it's hurting me, considering he's not in love with me, but he does love me and care about me very much and I know he does. It's not that he's heartless. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him or anything, because I know he really has no excuse for his actions and he was very horrible to me. But we're both young and stupid, and he has the same problem that I think 90% of men have. He doesn't think before he acts. Just as simple as that.

 

Even though I know that there's no chance for us anymore, I still miss his friendship. Our entire relationship in all honest truth wasn't based on me trying to get with him the whole time, we really were really good friends. Best friends. He told me once that I can make him laugh like no one else can, and there's certain things that he can tell me that he wouldn't feel comfortable telling his girlfriend. And even though he had a girlfriend, he didn't consider her his best friend. He considered me my best friend.

I do miss the friendship aspect. And what's killing me knowing that I can have that back at anytime. It just wouldn't be fair to him, because I would still love him, and I would have to be okay with him having a girlfriend, which I know I won't be able to do.

[Raina204]

I totally understand this situation. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. The best thing to do is just try any keep your mind off him and it will pass eventually.

[jessikuh]

Ugh I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about him. And I'm trying really hard even. But it's my subconscious thoughts that are interfering. Like my dreams and all that crap. And whenever my phone goes off, the first thing that my mind jumps to is 'Oh man, I hope that's him texting me.' And it happens before I can even catch it and stop it. I wonder if he's thinking about me too.... but it doesn't matter. He has his stupid soon-to-be girlfriend there to comfort him. So ****.

[dallasdaisy]

Jessikuh, I do the same thing when my phone rings as well. I cannot stop thinking about him either. I pray for him and the heartless person that he is.....I do not pray for reconciliation but the God will heal him and me as well.

[marshallmog]

I agree with dalla daisy.. I too love my ex dearly but would never take him back now.. So the only thing to do is go onwards.. but still every time my phone beeps im thinking.. is it him.. I dont know if i want it to be or not but i guess i do want it to be.. but then if it is.. i will wish he hadnt txt me and left me the hell alone.. its so confusing honey but this guy admitted that he already knew how you felt about him yet still played with your emotions and feelings that is so cruel.. was he really a true friend or was it you who was HIS true friend not vica versa.. I know your hurting its such a horrible nasty feeling.. I wrote a post out yesterday called hope it helps.. try reading that .. but let me tell you the old adage (time is a healer).. but it is just that... keep us posted x

[ironman73]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I guess that everyone has been through the same pain as you... I lost 10 pounds and did not eat for a week. I am still miserable.

I am not sure if he really was trying to be cruel. It sounds like he was probably really confused when he kissed you. He probably really does love you, but he does not want you to be his girlfriend at this point in his life. It is possible that he is afraid of disappointing you and so he has settled with someone not as amazing as you. Guys do have egos and guys don't want to be around someone they are afraid to let down. And maybe he was testing our his feelings by kissing you- to see if he liked you 'in that way'. You need to go forward, but it sounds like you both are young. Do the NC thing for awhile and try and date other people in the meantime. Maybe he really is not good enough for you and he is saving you the time and disappointment you would have if you did date- this could be a blessing in disguise

[dallasdaisy]

jessikuh - how are you doing? I have had a rough few days myself. I do feel he does care about me, but as ironman73 said he knows he is not good enough for me. He has done so many things to me, but I do still love him. I broke contact yesterday, I sent a text, no response. I was not surprised and of course wish I wouldn't have done it. I am looking into some volunteer work to help keep my time occupied and to heal.