Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 My boyfriend and I have a love-hate relationship. It can be extremely volitile at times. I know it's time to get out, but I'm finding it difficult, becasue after one fight we had he made it perfectly clear he would have sex with some on else right away. That cut through my heart like a knife and ever since then I haven't be able to let go. The thought of him with some one else is too much to bear. I know we are not right for each other and it's time to get out, but I can't seem to get past that one thing. I would appreciate someone telling me how to stop thinking about or visualizing these images. I have read other forums and threads and the kind of response I'm looking for is how to cope with these images. Not 'it happens to everyone' and "we're all adults" and "that it was inevitable'. i know all of that already and find those responses insulting. I just need to know how to cope with this so I can begin to heal and move on. In this kind of relationship I have always put the other person first. We have been together for a few years and it is not as simple as saying get over it and move on. It's time I start thinking about myself and what's best for me. I'm not interested in responses from people who think I'm being selfish. That's just cruel and knife twisting to say to someone in this situation. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I think he told you that so it would do what it is doing: tearing you up. The only way you can deal with it is not to think about what he is doing anymore. I think that will happen when you just are sick and tired of his nonsense and just want to be done with him... Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I would appreciate someone telling me how to stop thinking about or visualizing these images. You're trying to remove the feeling without removing the person.... or put the cart before the horse. Looking for the path of least resistance out of a break up doesn't work. It's like a REALLY big bandaid. You know it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt for a long time potentially but you just have to do it and get it over with. If you want to prepare yourself start finding activities and other things you can do that will take your mind off the breakup and onto the "the most important human being for Survivallady in the entire world for the next 6-12 months"... you. Be selfish, start by letting him go so you can focus on yourself. There is no antiseptic for a broken heart. This is the risk we all take when we fall in love. Link to comment
Triplell Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Your ex sounds like an immature ass. The hardest part is getting out of the bad relationship. You've been with them for so long, and it's hard to imagine your life without them in it. I'm not going to lie to you, it sucks at first. But it can't be any worse than the * * * * ty life style that they put you through. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Actually u should think of it until u get fed up and it looses its power over you Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 yeah I am thinking that all the time too how it's gonna tear me to pieces seeing him with another girl knowing he's making love to some other girl when he should be with me and that he should have changed for me and not been abusive to me if he loved me he thinks i am abandoned him, but it's my heart and soul that was abandoned and broken he broke me to pieces i have to force myself to think about him and another girl, i imagine every scenario so i can make my heart toughen up so i can take it one day! it's sooo painful Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Notagoodninja Have you figured out how to cope with it though? Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Chitown 9 I know you're right and I've been telling myself that. I just wish I knew how to train my brain not to think about it. We've broken up before and that's all I can think about. We end up getting back together because I can't stand the thought of it. Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Could I please get some more responses. I really need your help!! Link to comment
superfox Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 That's emotional blackmail he's using. Do you think he would actually have sex with someone right away? And if so, how would that affect you? Would you still take him back, whoever the dumper is? Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 I know you're right and I'm very well aware of what he's doing. I honestly don't know if he would. He has told me how women fall all over him, so if that's true there's certainlt pleanty of oportunity. We also had a fight a few years ago and were about to break up and he told me the best way to get over somebody was to get under somebody. He told me he was going to so I should do the same. If he did it would kill me. No I don't think I could take him back after that, especially if it was immediatley after. Link to comment
superfox Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Interesting, it really is a love/hate relationship! You know it's time to get out and that you don't want him back, also as you mentioned *if* he did have sex with someone else then that is final. So it's either the fear that this act would be the end of the pair of you forever or the thought you're getting replaced straight away. Or, it could be that you really don't want to end things? You're fantasising about something that hasn't happened and might not (initially) but one day if you do break up he will be with someone else, as will you. But at te moment he knows damn well that this fear of yours is the only thing keeping you together. If you split go NC, no fb, no mutual friends telling you things. What you don't know can't hurt you. Sex is sex is sex, rebound sex fills a psyical need but not an emotional one, a 15 minute act opposed to a bad relationship. I have no interest is who my exes may be sh***ng and good luck to them and all the crap that goes with them too! Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Oh, he knew that one would tear you up didn't he? Definite emotional blackmail material there and yet another great reason to end it all. Truthfully whenever a partner starts talking about sex with other people it's time to end it right there just on the basis of emotional abuse and manipulation alone. When I went through my breakup and those particular thoughts of who he might be with would start to haunt me I'd go watch a movie or video that I knew would make me laugh. If I couldn't do that I'd think about a particularly funny scene from a movie or book, basically whatever it took to make me laugh and feel just a bit better. The other thing I did (and I know I may get some crap here for this) is if that didn't work I'd imagine myself doing it with a particular actor I have always fancied. Seriously it helped and truthfully the fantasy guy had a lot less baggage. In time of course I moved on and found someone else who was a real guy and now I just don't give a toss who the ex is doing it with since I'm a lot happier with the current guy. More importantly though when you do end things cut him out of your life completely and do not let him keep a toe in the door with "friendship." He will definitely use the whole "I'm going to go have sex with someone else" thing against you and will likely toss it in your face when you least expect it just to hurt you. Whether it's true or not. Link to comment
superfox Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Actually that reminded me, my big ex (emotional abusive control freak) finally got it into his head that I was leavin and wouldn't back down again. He stormed out the house telling me he was off for sex. I couldn't give a stuff! But he thought I'd be devastated and beg him not to. When the feelings aren't there you couldn't care less. It's getting to that point that's hard, your relationship sounds passionate more than anything. Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 ignore this please. I don't know how to delete it. Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Its the fear and hurt that comes from, yes, being replaced so easily, even if it is a one night stand and that obviously I didnt mean as much to him as he did to me. I know men think of it as a physical need, whereas women tie it in with emotions and that is part of my problem. The thought sickens me. The sex for us was out of this world too. He taught me stuff I didnt even know was possible until I met him. So there is that factor too. Every time I think about sex I think about what we do or have done and imagine him doing those things with someone esle and I literally feel nauseous. I dont care about who my previous exes are with. Never thought about it until this guy. The ironic part is that I know hes blackmailing me....hence this behaivour is the reason to leave, but at the same time the thoughts consume and hurt me. Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Those are great suggestions. I have been able to do it before. Weve split up for short periods of time before, but I always go back to him, because I cant bear this thought. If we break up during the week, once the weekend rolls around and I know he ll be going out, I panic. I do exactly what you said during the day. Its when im in bed all alone I start imagining him with someone else. Every time I close my eyes I can see it and then I cant sleep. Then I get angry that its affecting me so much. Link to comment
Survivallady Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Does any one else have any other words of advice?? I really need help!!! Last night we got into a huge fight and I had to beg hime to stay with me because of this issue and I need to find a job before I can totally let him go. I hate having to beg for hime to continue to treat me this way. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I just think...he'll never get it any better with anyone else, i don't just think it, i know it. Anyways, i think at least he's not f'kin me over any more. loulou x Link to comment
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