Impatience is ruining my feelings

[GummyBear]

I've been with my boyfriend since July. We fell in love very quickly and are very serious in regards to our future together.

However, he is in the middle of a divorce proceeding with his ex-wife, and still lives with her and his children. He sleeps on the couch, but obviously, doesnt have his own place.

 

I'm recently unemployed and living with my parents. So we often don't have privacy.

We have been intimate a few times, but they are few and far between. It's always quick, impulsive, and just okay. We don't have the freedom to enjoy sex. The only time we did was when my parents went away and we had a few problems.

 

He is financially strapped because of his divorce, works over 60 hours at week at 2 jobs, and has two tiny children.

I know he loves me and at least I can say he isn't using me, despite his divorce, because sex isn't a priority of his.

The problem is, it's not a priority at all. He is affectionate, but only on a sweet level. And trust me, I love it - he's the first affectionate man i've dated. But he never makes a sexual move.

 

I've initiated everything. Sometimes he loses interest during sex and we just stop. Sometimes that happens during foreplay, so we don't have sex at all. He's never made a move or implied he's even wanted sex, until I make a move.

And it's starting to become a big problem. I love having sex when I'm in a relationship and often. I DO appreciate that we've gotten to know each other better because we're not always getting busy, but sexually, I'm beyond frustrated.

 

I'm not the cheating kind, but for the first time in my relationship life, I'm flirting with other men because I'm curious id I'm capable of receiving that kind of attention, and a part of me wonders if I'm in the right relationship if he can't fulfill a simple need.

 

But then I hate myself. Because here's a man who wants to take care of me, start a life with me and marry me... but he isnt providing for me sexually. And this has been since September - and we only started dating in July. Our first month together, we couldnt keep off of each other. And once real sex finally happened, everything else stopped. And that's a bad thing.

 

I hate our sexual relationship now.

He can see something is wrong with me - he knows I'm unhappy. I shut off all together sometimes because I know its a dead-end. And as honest and open as I am, I dont wanna complain about our sexual relationship as often as I feel it - I tried to bring it up nicely, and it didn't work. If I was truly honest, I'd sound superficial, like sex is all I care about.

 

But it's part of the relationship I want and I can't get him to provide it for me. If we're talking marriage and a life together, this is an issue we have to resolve.

 

I don't know what I can do to push temptation away (because its coming out of the woodwork from all different directions). And I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've never had an issue where someone wouldn't sleep with me - not someone who claimed to love me.

It's also starting to affect my ego and self-esteem. I'm starting to worry if my weight is a problem. He doesn't use physical compliments on me anymore, so many... he's losing interest?

The problem is, as long as he's not giving in to me, I start to lose interest as well.

How can we share intimate times?

How can I find resolve?

[happyfrank]

Move on! You already one step close to cheating while flirting with other men. Just find somebody who can give you all that you need.

[blackhawks1287]

Not trying to be rude, and I didn't read this whole thing...

 

He is going through a divorce, with kids, and still living in that house living on a couch.

 

You unemployed, are living with your parents.

 

Neither of you are in a position for a relationship. Neither of you have built a quality foundation for a long lasting relationship.

 

You two are not financially, nor psychologically fit to bear this so called serious relationship you have imagined in your head.

 

Don't accept flirtatious gestures from men, just to see if you you can get the attention, because you like it...because you will cheat eventually.

 

You also have built up sex as a big part of this relationship, especially since it is so new. Clearly you feel sex is a kind of end all be all. Because you got yourself in this situation, you need to accept that it is hard for him to do these things and give you what you "need"

 

You sound like a lot of work...

 

Just walk away, get a job, get your life together...and find someone who has done the same...

[eternalsunrise]

Move on! You already one step close to cheating while flirting with other men. Just find somebody who can give you all that you need.

 

^^^^ I agree. Things aren't syncing up at all. There's a lot that you could have with another guy. You way deserve better. This is your life. Don't settle.

[Edmund Exley]

He may not be using you for sex, but it most certainly looks like he may be using you as an emotional crutch. I would back away until his divorce is final and he is out on his own.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure this is not the answer you're seeking, but this is a recipe for disaster. He's jumping from a relationship that has not officially ended, to another relationship that has not officially started...so to speak. The bottom line is, he's simply not available until his divorce is final, and he's been out on his own for a good period of time.

[GummyBear]

We waited for a few months before we actually started the relationship, because I was wary of his marital status. I worried he was still in love with his wife or that they could potentially get back together, but she has had a boyfriend for over a year so I know thats not going to happen.

 

And I'm not sitting here, claiming his kids are an issue. Because I think his kids are great and they have never been an issue in the relationship, ever. I don't think he should ever bend on them, as an issue, and would question his character if he did.

 

And although my position sounds immature and irrational, I've only been unemployed for one week. Its not a huge deal. I was tired of in a non-advancing position, so I gave notice, with a backup. My new job was unfortunately unsuccessful. Besides, I'd like to do something relevant to my Masters and I'm going back for teaching certificates, so this isn't my own inadequacies taking initiative in my relationship. I'm taking a break so I can focus on applying to relevant jobs and transition my thesis into a completed book during the holidays.

 

I'm really just trying to find the balance of our time with our relationship, and still trying to fulfill my basic needs.

 

My two other serious relationships, from when I was younger, were sexually active but in the end, emotionally selfish and financially one-sided. I have been educationally and financially stable since I was 19, and have always supported myself. It was irrelevant in past relationships, and both of them ended with a huge bust.

 

I'm appreciative that I am with a man who wants the same things out of life that I do and who shares the same values with me.I guess a part of me could let that part of the relationship subside for now, until he's out on his own, and value the greater parts of it, like the fundamentals between us as well his generosity. I just wish I could make my way around these small roadblocks now, because my impatience is getting the worst of me.

[Notagoodninja]

I am sorry but I agree, move on. That happened to me I thought it was issues with his divorce. Sex was always a huge issue. He had other nice qualities but never really was interested in sex. He was a total porn addict in my opinion. He could jack off to that every day, but NEVER get hard for sex, NEVER initiate sex. Then give me this huge guilt trip and call me a sicko or a psycho or a sex addict, he would tell me to "get on meds" to make my sex drive leave because he didn't want much sex...!

[Notagoodninja]

Also maybe that is why his first marriage failed. Also he may have been molested like my ex...