Why can't I get over the unhealthiest man on planet - the lie he told..

[blueyedblonde]

The old info is we dated over two years ago, for six months. I had moved in with him in month 6 (way too soon, huge mistake) and came to find he was cheating. I moved out, but my heart wasn't done even though I should have been. I still contacted him.. he rejected me, was cold, nasty... Eight months ago, he apologizes for everything he did. He even fixed my car, saying if there was ever anything I needed with it, he would help.

 

Three months ago.. we began to see one another again. Things were fine at first. He told me he had strong feelings. We went out, we stayed in... it was nice. Although, he made it known he was seeing others. After staying over, he made mention one day of taking me home a couple of times. I thought it was because he wanted to see another girl. I finally got up and said "fine take me home" and began to cry. I was fearful of what took place two years ago. He drove me, told me I was being ridiculous. Two, three days later, I noticed he put a profile back on a dating site. So, when he text me asking me out, I said "No. I have plans" I should have left it alone. But I asked later why he would want to see me if he was back on the site. He again, shut it down. That was third week of September. I havent seen him since.

 

BUT THEN...

 

After no contact for a few weeks (which I should have kept going) I contacted him. He writes me "you got what you wanted." I was confused. "Huh?" what did I want?

 

He told me the girl he began to date after we stopped seeing eachother in Sept, told him she just found out she is HIV positive. (wow)

 

I was furious... but not to him. Then I was just concerned. Even though this was yet another woman after me, I didnt want him to be sick. I still wouldnt wish that on him. Then...

 

He proceeded to say things (over the next cpl weeks) like "I dont want to be here anymore." "If I test positive in the future (he tested neg so far) I am going to kill myself." "I'm a piece of * * * * ." "Im lost since my parents died." "Im damaged"...... he was even calling me. I was surprised. We would talk... sometimes about nothing important.... we even laughed a few times. But, he never made mention of wanting to see me. He asked me 1001 times "Why would you want to be with me?" So many times he asked, he was like a broken record. In all honesty it never mattered what answer I gave. It never had him succumb to it. He would take in the information , but never give an ounce of desire for me back. No desire to see me. Then...

 

He said that he loves me, but I scare him. The way I cried that day & the way I call him over and over at times. Yes, I admit I would do that if he hung up. Or, I would send many texts at times. I know it's not right and it's not the way to deal with a man who is pulling away. However he has had crazy drama filled endings with all ex's because there is always a woman scorned. Women who hit him, cops... one woman went after him with a knife and got him years ago. I mean... I admit I am not always the most rational dealing with a "man child" ..... Thing is, I know I dont "have to" deal with him. I did love him though.

 

So, he said he loves me, but is not in love with me. He didnt need my crying, etc. Cold nasty... (again) until then one day he says to me "you deserve someone who will do great by you.. i know its not me."

 

I cried... feeling if he loved me at all, he would "want" it to be him.

 

I asked him to see me. WHen he said ok "but only as friends"... I was hurt. I wanted to see him, but not in the friend zone. Of course with his recent news.. I didn't think we were just going to jump into bed. But, I also dont want to be his "friend". We have a history and I have feelings.

 

I said I wanted him to come here only if he wanted to see me too.

 

He responded with "well, I cant abide to those rules." Rules???

 

All this time.. so hurt wondering why he doesnt love me back. Why can't he love me back.

 

Then the last of it.... I called him and didnt get him. He called me back. We began talking and he told me his is getting engaged. (really now) I laughed. He said "I am"... and like a sixteen yr old, begins to tell me this story. I said "whatever".. for him to follow it up with "I made the whole thing up about the HIV so you would leave me alone."

 

What??? I said "no you didnt. no you didnt." and he said "I did." .........

 

Granted, this woman (if she even existed) was after me. I had myself tested anyway.... but still, for weeks I was concerned about him. A lie??? Then I thought about it...

 

He was calling ME. he was reaching out, even though he didnt come see me. He was showing emotion on the phone which was talking about depression and pain... and I was listening. I don't think he made this up at all. I think it actually happened.

 

I mistook his asking me 101 times "Why would you want to be with me?" for him really caring about the answer. He doesn't. I think his own ego just needs to hear it. I thought he was asking...and reaching out, because it was me he wanted to talk to. But, then he said he would come see me because "I" wanted it, but he didnt want to see "me" in return!

 

I mean, he did say he realizes he's f**ked in the head a couple weeks ago on the phone. But, what on earth (or any other planet) makes someone like this??

 

Even if he didnt lie about this and he is really going through it.. I was on the phone yelling at him that he should very well kill himself as he talked about.

 

If he doesnt love me, he doesnt. But, he has used my emotions far more that he cares about.

 

I am trying soooooooooooo hard to let this go now. I think my biggest investment in it, afterall.. is the drive to know why he doesnt love me back. The grass is always greener did this. Karma.

 

I realize I can only say I love this sick man, because I too am sick to a degree. I want to heal.

 

Anyone ever seen ANYTHING like this before? A narcissit with low self esteem who * * * * s all over women?

[Thorshammer]

He has issues, you cant ask a man with issues to think sensible. He is in a very high emotional state, and is very selfish at the moment. It seems he was clinging on to you for emotional support. I hate to say this, just a guess, but is it possible he was in-between relationships with someone, and was feeling insecure and sad that he just needed someone to reach out due to loneliness? People do do this unfortunately. When someone tells you they arent in love, then they mean it. Its best to let go and not try to hold on to hope, especially when they have issues, they are the first ones to only think about themselves and their own problems than in someone elses.

[dallasdaisy]

I am in close to the same situation. I fell in love with this man and his children. I am 43, never been married or in love. I treated him like a king and cared for his kids as if they were my own. He moved away to work over 6 months ago. He told me when he left that me and his kids were his family and he carried us everywhere, whether we were physically together or not. Things were going okay with the long distance for awhile. I started hearing from him less and less, he would attribute this to his long work hours. Then I found out there was someone else. He claimed she didn't mean anything was only someone to spend time with, that his goal was to come back to me and get a house together. I stupidly spent money to go see him and his kids. His entire family wanted us to be together. His mother introduced me as his wife. The situation with the other woman became too much, he lied to me all the time. so we decided we were not going to be in a relationship, but still talk and see each other. The last time I saw him was 10 weeks ago. He said he could never let go of me and I could never let go of him. Since then we have talked less and less. He would call and try to pull me back in if he felt I was slipping away. My emotional life has been on a rollercoaster for months. I had gotten a lot better about the no contact as far as me being the contactor. I would reply or return his calls later and only talk to him briefly. Last Thursday he was really trying to talk to me and I wasn't really responding. That night I found out a lot of stuff some of which was stuff that his girlfried or whatever sent his oldest an ugly message through facebook that his dad said he was dead to him. This is your son, do you really want to be with a woman that would do that? I have sent several texts and called because I am trying to understand what is going on in his mind. I still love this man but do not understand what he is doing to his kids. This woman is going around telling everyone they are getting married, she has 6 kids with various daddies. It is so hard to understand that only a few weeks ago he told me not to get serious with anyone and if he was getting married to anyone it would be to me. Anyway, I do not believe he will marry her. He is very close to his parents and never even mentioned her. Why do I still love him and think somewhere inside is that person I knew that put his kids above everything else. Part of me still wants him back, although a bigger part of me doesn't believe it is possible. Why have i been trying to contact him so much?? I need to stop, but it is driving me crazy about how he has treated his kids, more than the way he has treated me. I have been lonely and miserable for a long time now. All of my friends are married and have wanted me away from him for so long that they don't really want to hear about it anymore. So yes, I have seen a man like this.....and I want to heal as well

[blueyedblonde]

DallasDaisy, i hear ya. Today was only for first day for me which I did not contact him at all (since my last NC period a cpl months back) and honestly, I am ok. I mean.. it hurts, yes. But the first time he did this to me two years ago, I was devestated. This time, not so much. I realize it is because it will get easier each time. Except there will not be another time for me. He may not ever come back (on his terms) but say he did... say he reaches out one day. I have lost the ability to give a ****. Friends have asked me "What are his redeeming qualities? what do you love?" I can't even answer that anymore.

 

DallasDaisy... sadly there are people out there who will take advantage of our emotions and the idea of us being there. Mine must figure (from my own behavior) that he could just have me anytime. Thats my fault...and no longer true.

 

Thorshammer, thank you. I do know, while painful.. what you say is true. That if someone is telling you they are not in love with you, believe them. I know, I wanted to believe his statements of "you deserve someone to do great by you" and "I have strong feelings for you." were signs of hope. I always held on too tight. In fear of losing him. You find out if you hold someone too tight, they are bound to go. I didnt mean to, nor will I ever with anyone again. But, I am not making excuses either for his behavior. I met someone who can not tell the truth. He's a slug. He was right about what he called himself. He said he's "a piece of s***" and "a bas****." Well, at least he knows it.

 

He was with other women far longer than me and told me "I never loved _________." See, I am not like him. I even told him that I can't just kill time with someone and be with them for an extended period of time if I don't love them. He stays with someone to not be alone.

 

I have learned... about myself... that I would rather be alone and have truth....than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I can't just have anyone fill a space.

 

So.. how do we heal? I am trying to heal in reminding myself, in the end.. I fair better than the man who is rejecting me. It hurts yes, because I did genuinly have feelings for him. But, I'm trying to heal in finding the respect I have for myself in the type of person I am. That is, a sincere truthful person. See, I can't sleep right at night if I am doing wrong by someone. Some people, like my ex, can. They lie & cheat and USE.....and it doesnt bother them in the least. Im not built like that.

 

Knowing I am not built like that... I take pride in it & slowly that is how I am healing. Im a better person than he is. Oh well. Afterall, who would ever joke about HIV?? Even though I believe he did have this experience after me... it is a cruel joke to tell me he made the story up, thinking I would leave him alone. He wasnt seeing me, no. But.. he was ringing my phone too. He was texting me too. You know why?? To keep me at arm's length. And this week, he probably met someone new. That's his operation.

 

Hey, I know I was a sucker when it comes to this man. I really did care. But... from here on out, I have to take care of me.. not look back....and look forward to my future.

 

I just wish I was where I will be six months from now...and not on day two. lol

[dallasdaisy]

Thanks blueeyedblonde...I know he did feel like he could hurt me however much and I would still be there and I was for a long time. I do still love him but just do not see that we could ever get past everything that happened. Trusting would be a big part. I am on my second day of NC as well................I hear ya on the 6 months from now, instead of just day 2

[butterflyburn]

Wow, that guy is not the one with issues. U do... sorry honey but have to ask yourself why u are putting up with this adn why u cannot move on from him and then take it from there. U guy, u should not even remember his name let alone think about him. Focus on yourself. And every unhealthy relationship has its kickback so what are u getting from this? What is this man helping you avoid to deal with?