When is it time to let go?

[gaia_t]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. We have lived together for 4 years. I believe that our relationship (when he is around) is very special and we are still very in love despite the amount of time we've been together.

 

Up until now there have been times every year where my boyfriend has told me he has to go back home or for a road trip with his friends to do his photography. Which would be fine with me, except that he insists each time on going away for at least a month or longer.

We were long distance for the first 2 years of our relationship and distance only creates trouble in our relationship.

As much as I respect his photography, and the fact that he needs to see his family, he knows that I would be willing to take these trips with him as I love to travel and my job allows me to take time off.

Every time we get into a huge fight because he does not want me to go with him because he says that I don't allow him to "take pictures".

My problem is that I know he doesn't take pictures all the time and will not admit that it has nothing to do with me.

 

He has been taking very long trips which I already told him I am not ok with (one month or longer) because I know what it does to our relationship each time he goes away. After 3 weeks of being apart I forget why I'm with him and ask myself why I am holding on to someone who clearly doesn't want to be around me and has commitment issues since he's constantle running away.

 

My question to all you is this:

 

When is the time that I should make the descision for myself whether or not I should continue in this relationship?

I am at a point in my life where I want commitment from my man, and do not feel as though I am getting it.

I feel so torn because I really do love him and feel like we have something really special. This problem of him wanting to go away for such long periods of time (his choice) is a big issue since it makes me so unhappy. I was wondering if in order to be happy I will have to find someone else who actually wants to stick around and plan things with me rather than without me.

 

Am I wrong to want this?

 

It's so hard to weigh the good and the bad because when it's good, its SOO GOOD, and when its bad, I am so depressed and hate my life.

[tyr72]

You don't say how often he has taken these month long trips. Is it once a year? Three times a year? Once every two years? While a month does seem like a long trip to take without your SO, I would like to know how often he takes these trips, and if there is a specific reason he has given for the length of the trip. I think I'd like that info before I comment on most of this.

 

The one thing I will say now is a very short time to forget why you're with someone. Not that you don't have a right to feel lonely, and upset that he isn't there when you want him to be, but if what you have is so special it seems to me that 3 weeks apart shouldn't make you forget everything that makes it so.

[bulletproof]

I don't think I'd have a problem with my bf taking a one-month trip once a year. Maybe that's how your bf re-charges and feels better about your relationship. Time apart from someone you live with can be a really good thing.

 

You say you want commitment from your man- do you mean you want to get married? If so, then that's the real issue, not the trip he's taking.

[Deciduous]

Hi gaia_t,

 

A critical issue here is how you as a couple deal with your disagreements. What no compromise? No discussions, "Bye-bye, Babes. Make sure you're here when I get back. And don't forget to pay the electricity bills."

 

Have you asked him why he is persisting in a relationship where a major part of his life has to be hidden and isolated.

 

Gaia, I think you know in your heart of hearts that isn't how healthy couples manage thier disagreements. Healthy couples generally work on a compromise, like he goes for three weeks then you both meet him at his family's.

 

It's not only the holidays that bug me here, it's the way that he has decided to handle your feelings. Marriage takes compromise. This is a serious issue which threatens your relationship to the point where you are wondering whether to leave. That is pretty major.

 

Judging by your thread, things already seem to be coming to a head in your mind. Bit the bullet. Schedule and arrange a very serious heart-to-heart. Write notes beforehand. Ask him to let you speak for 6 minutes before commenting. Don't acuse, avoid the "You always...."statements. Stick to the "I feel." statements or "When you did this I felt very..."

 

Be honest and open. If you are hoping to get married in the future, then have the confidence to say this. Ask him if he has the same goals. Tell him that you are worried that you are not heading in the same direction. What hopes does he have for the relationship? What sort of time-span are we talking?

 

Make it clear that you can no longer live with the long trips without a serious compromise. It's too painful, (It is gotta hurt when our partner books 8 to 12 weeks holiday per year and makes it clear that no-way-in-hell are we coming) Impress upon him, that the issue close to becoming a deal breaker. (Or already is) You are not trying to start an argument, you are simply stating where you stand Then let him speak for 6 minutes without interuption. It is important not to interrupt each other because you want to avoid getting into a circular argument as you have done in the past. Based on his replies, I think you'll find your own answers to the questions posed in your thread.

 

Time for both parties to put their cards on the table. No?

 

Deci

[Stay_home]

If he's going away for a month, could there be some sort of compromise where for say a week or at least a couple days you come out and visit him? There's no compromising; just an off and on switch - you need a dimmer. If aside from the annual month off he's an otherwise steady and level-headed boyfriend then I don't think you should leave him. ~