Am I a horrible person?

[wannadoitright]

Out of anger and frustration and because I felt he was not very into the relationship, I sent my boyfriend of 3 months a text saying "Gosh, I can't do this anymore. I am so sorry". What was I trying to do? I think I wanted him to show the sort of emotions that meant he valued the relationship because he hadn't been showing the classic signs. He seems to be so upset that I texted him that and that I did it at a time that he thought our relationship was supposed to be better but I on the other hand perceived it like he just wanted to put me on the back burner till when things were more convenient. Honestly, I feel like I was just so stupid and I misread a lot of things. I called him the following day after texting him to meet up and he texted me back saying he was disappointed that I broke up with him over text and he was over and done and there is nothing to talk about.

 

He had planned a nice evening out for us both to make up for my missing my birthday (though this is 4 weeks after my birthday and all the while I was thinking he was never going to do anything). There was ample time before this but it seems he chose the one most convenient for him. I just don't know how I feel. I was really unhappy in the relationship because he never had my time because of work and family commitments and I also wondered if he also just wasn't that into me. That was my greatest fear. Now he has blocked me from calling and texting him and he has probably blocked my e-mails too. I feel like I want him back but I hope it is not just the guilt of hurting him and ruining the night he had planned and also breaking up with him shortly before he was supposed to start work 5 mins from where I live. Can I get him back or is the text break up (though out of pure emotions) an irreversibly terrible thing? I feel just awful for all the pain I caused.

 

He is 37 and I am 23, my friends think there is something wrong with the way he is acting as a man who is 14 years older than I am. Maybe immature? He has dated a whole bunch of people and even has a son with his first GF of four years. I have had one relationship that was long distance and lasted 3 years and I just feel like he acts like I am 32.

 

I am tempted to show up at his work (which is also my school) or house when he gets back from his one week trip just to see him and talk to him in case he keeps blocking me but that is so not my style and I know it may be counterproductive but I just want to take it all back and stop all the hurt I caused. Or should I go no contact? I am just so confused! I already bombarded him with calls, texts and e-mails in the heat of the moment and I just never got a single response. He seems so mad and hurt. Is this a no contact issue or should I keep trying to get him to talk to me? Does he hate me and think I suck? This is driving me nuts.

[CatsMeeoow]

So what is it you want? I'm confused.

 

You tell him you can't do this anymore and you are sorry... he took the high road and cut you off. I mean you just broke up with him. What is it you expect from him? I mean if you end it why does he owe you an explanation?

 

You are 3 months into a relationship which sounds like it wasn't making you happy so what is the problem with cutting the cord? Unless of course you were wanting to unleash some major drama only? A more mature text would have been "I'm having a hard time understanding 'X' can we talk about it in person soon?"

 

You've blown up this guys phone already. Leave him be and if and when he is ready to talk he has your number.

 

Take some time out to figure out what it is you are wanting and if this relationship even fits that.

 

Good Luck

[april15]

Let it be. You were not happy, he was not going to change. You can not find someone more fitting to your needs. Drop him like a hot potato. I bet you will not want to pick him up when he cools. You will be moving on.

[BrianH46]

He's not being immature... you are. Your broke up with him to get him to validate his feeling for you and wanted him to fight for your relationship (I have friends who do this). Being he is 37 has work and family obligation; I'm gonna go ahead and guess he's a little busy and couldn't give you enough time and that caused you to feel unappreciated. Even though what you felt is valid but you should've understood that you are dating a busy guy with obligations and the time bit comes with the turf, don't let you emotions overrule your logic next time or else you might ending ruining a great relationship one day. The whole NC thing on his part I assure you this is not being immature. When someone tells you that it's over you cut contact, you allow yourself to heal and you allow the other to heal despite your emotions, that is being mature and strong. Btw you're really young date someone in the same stage of life as you and things will be much smoother.

[wannadoitright]

I see how you would think I am being immature. I tried so hard to be understanding but he just never really made that special effort for me and I just seriously doubted he cared. He often downplayed my feelings and I was very reluctant to come out and say "hey, why didn't you call me...why didn't you let me know you were leaving" etc. because he wold wrinkle his nose, roll his eyes and make a list of his busy life for me. Sometimes all I wanted was for him to not make me feel insane about the way I felt. I guess it is over. I just wish I had handled it better cause I am feeling so guilty. If only I could get my mind off him and think about something else for one second now that he is sticking to his decision to have nothing to do with me...

[BrianH46]

Yeah I'm thinking it's the age difference, for a man to love you, he needs to respect you as an equal and quite honestly I would think it's hard for a 37 year old to see a 23 year old as a woman. For him to fall for you and respect you, you needed much more than just three months. After having so much experience with dating you will start realizing what you want and don't want. You will also take relationships much slower that's if you act your age

But I forgot to tell you, no you're no where near being a horrible person, you're just young. Chin up march forward and find a man that'll make you happy all the while never forget the lessons you learn along the way to meeting him.

[volvic1]

To me the message was a cry for attention!! Were all guilty of sending them, sometimes they back fire on us!! He may have been looking for an out and took this as his chance? Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, 3 months in seems early to already be unhappy!! Your young, go meet someone who makes you happy

[CatsMeeoow]

You dated for 3 months...

 

I think you are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

 

You made your decision... and he made his...

 

This wasn't the match for you... no harm... no foul... Why are you settling for a relationship/or fighting for a relationship that left you feeling unhappy? Its not as if you had vested years into this and then found yourself unhappy. This is why we date before we settle down. There is a better match out there... just pick yourself up and move on. Leave this guy a little bit of peace right now.

 

HUGS!

[JerkBrokeMe]

My situation is kind of similar. I broke up with him purely in the heat of the moment, out of anger. Although it was in person, not over text. It was a fight about something so stupid and trivial but I guess, in hindsight, I was just looking for him to express that he cared about me and needed me (which he did - he begged me not to break up with him. But I was too angry to accept that at the time. We should have just continued our conversation once I had time to cool off). It backfired. I tried to work it out with him an hour or so later and that was like 9 months ago. He's holding his ground.

 

I hope your situation turns out better, but I certainly learned my lesson. I was playing games, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. I know I'll never "break up" with anyone ever again unless I've given it deep thought. Those words will never come out of my mouth in the heat of the moment ever.

 

But no, you're not a horrible person for that.

[wannadoitright]

Thanks CatsMeeoow. I am just too emotional. Now I have to do damage control and try to salvage my pride (whatever is left of it) after I bombarded him with calls, texts and e-mails using other people's phones to call him. I even "confided" in his brother so he could help me beg him. I feel like I could never be so cold and harsh to someone who I claim to care about. I just feel that it is his ego that was bruised and not his feelings that were hurt. I am just not sure. Either way, I am done crying and having sleepless nights (I hope). I am just so anxious because he would be working about 5 mins from where I live for the next 2 months and I may have to bump into him and that terrifies me.

 

JerBrokeMe, I am sorry that happened to you! But I wonder...how could I move on (for 9 months and counting) from my boyfriend PURELY for the reason that he broke up with me in the heat of the moment even when he pleaded with me an hour later and probably much longer? I must not have been that into him to begin with! Anyway, no more thoughtless break ups from me...even though I must say, this had crossed my mind way too many times already and I just reached that point on Sunday where I wanted to see if he truly cared for us. I guess not.

[CatsMeeoow]

Thanks CatsMeeoow. I am just too emotional. Now I have to do damage control and try to salvage my pride (whatever is left of it) after I bombarded him with calls, texts and e-mails using other people's phones to call him. I even "confided" in his brother so he could help me beg him. I feel like I could never be so cold and harsh to someone who I claim to care about. I just feel that it is his ego that was bruised and not his feelings that were hurt. I am just not sure. Either way, I am done crying and having sleepless nights (I hope). I am just so anxious because he would be working about 5 mins from where I live for the next 2 months and I may have to bump into him and that terrifies me.

 

 

Okay - so you went over the top... really over the top...

 

But, I think this is more about your ego than really being concerned for his.

 

Take a deep breath... count to 10... and move on. You did what you did and all the craziness you can't take back and trust me... the more you keep trying to contact him in efforts to apologize the bigger the fool you look. You went "pyscho" on this guy... even getting his own brother to help you in your plan. This guy wants NOTHING to do with you... at least for now. Your best bet is to stop the madness. Completely let it go. And, if you are lucky if you bump into him in 6mo down the line he won't go running off screaming in the other direction.

 

We are all guilty of making bad mistakes and having poor judgement. You are 23... Mistakes are made to be learned from not repeated. Consider this a big lesson in emotional maturity.

 

Hang in there and HUGS!

[honeybadger]

I've been there, too...recently. You've been given good advice. All I can add is, go easy on yourself.

 

If you're like me (I pretty much told my LDR guy to "sh*t or get off the pot" in deciding whether or not I mattered enough to him to be worth a visit during his 3-week vacation; he'd said he needed to work on a project, but every time he got in touch with me, he was just hanging out doing nothing)

 

You didn't do it gracefully, but you stood up for what you deserved--his time. Give yourself that. Sometimes we're willing to give more of ourselves than is healthy when we really care about somebody, and when we just can't accept that the feelings aren't returned.

 

Don't worry about the damage to your ego. He's not worth the embarrassment. Don't worry about how he feels; that's beyond your control. Do something nice for yourself, go hang out with your friends, and move on.

[EgoJoe]

I stopped reading the thread after this quote. Next time you're in a situation like this. Go with your gut and say, "Hey, why didn't you call me? Why didn't you let me know you were leaving? I wanted to know. You're not obligated but I would really appreciate it because I care about you."