bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Hello everyone, I don't have any female friends that I feel comfortable talking to in depth about this particular issue, so I thought I'd try a forum out. I love my boyfriend. He is the perfect guy for me, but I feel that we have some minor problems in the bedroom. I'm in my early 20's, he is in his late 20's, we've been dating for almost a year. I'm really serious about him but there seems to be a recurring theme of sexual issues that we have. I want sex much more then him. At first, when we began having intercourse, we had it everyday 2-3 times a day. It dwindled after a while to once a day, then once every other day, then once every 2 days, these days it's once every 3-4 days and this past week we didn't have sex for more then a week, just once last night for a short amount of time. He said that we haven't had sex for more then a week because I was on my period, but we've had sex multiple times while I've been bleeding and he was fine with it. It seems that he sees sex as way less important then I do. We've had many a talk about this, often out of my frustration and often ending in me crying and him upset. I'm a very sexual person, and also a very sensitive one. Its really embarrassing for me to be constantly trying to initiate things and him just staring at the TV while I'm kissing his neck and rubbing up against me. When he does initiate something, I feel resentful because I feel I've been waiting for him to get turned on for days and I'm aggravated. I've also tried different lubes and costumes, rough sex, sex in different locations, none of it really seems to turn him on all that much except for having sex in a certain location which I don't really like, and also it sort of upsets me to see how much more turned on he gets when we have sex in this location compared to when we have it at home. It's really hard for me because the more disinterested he gets, the more I realize that I want to have sex with him more and more. He feels that quality is better then quantity, and that sex becomes meaningless if had everyday. I disagree and feel that it does not lose meaning for me, and that its a psychical expression of love and desire for one another. Like I said, I'm a very sexual person, he's even suggested that I may be a nymphomaniac, but I don't think it's to that extent. Hes said that hes watched his friends and their girlfriends, and noticed that things get stale fast if they force themselves to make love every night just to keep it up and for routine. I agree that that is not healthy, but it's not "forced" for me because I DO want to make love every night. I don't even feel comfortable walking away and masturbating because we don't live together yet and that seems awkward to me if it's not my house. I really love him and I don't like to keep bringing this up to him. The conversation just seems to go nowhere because he does not like talking about sex and it's uncomfortable bringing it up to him, but I would really like some advice on how to express my feelings in a non-frustrated way that demonstrates that I respect his feelings. Thanks for reading! Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He feels that quality is better then quantity, and that sex becomes meaningless if had everyday. Two very common excuses for someone with a low sex drive. That is just another way of saying I do not NEED sex every day. I don't WANT sex every day. This isn't a case of respecting each-others feelings. The problem is you guys are so far off when it comes to intimacy that each others feels are just being ignored. Not maliciously but just due to the nature of the way you two are. You're going to have to sit him down and tell him that if this isn't something that can be addressed (you're going to need to address it on your end as well to reach a compromise) then you do not see a future with him. Yes, no future. Why? Because you're going to go nuts and he's going to get very frustrated. It will not be a healthy relationship. This is one of those major criteria things that if it doesn't work for me it's a fatal flaw. Two people rarely...rarely change in this regard. The best you can do is compromise. Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Has anything changed as far as his lifestyle like exhaustion, hectic work schedule, lack of sleep, etc? Any health condition you may know about him? Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 One ex was cool with sex 2-3 times a week.. I enjoy sex every day at least once.. This brought much frustration and resentment.. we tried to compromise. But it always felt like it was to much hassle.. Ultimately we broke up.. she resent me for asking.. and me for frustration.. We relized we weren't compatible on a sexual level.. some people are some people aren't... Can't force it.. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 As LDRohnos said, you need to impress on him how important it is to you. Having a sex drive that low in your late twenties is a little odd. Medically, a low sex drive can be a result of an unhealthy lifestyle, low testosterone, and even cardiovascular problems. Ask him to talk to his doctor about it. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, he runs his own business and he works pretty much 24/7. He recently took on a big client who is a very huge deal and has also just invested in a relative's business that shes opening. She and her partner don't know as much about business as he does so he is very involved and they look to him to help them out with a lot of things. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 What qualifies as a low sex drive, though? Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, he runs his own business and he works pretty much 24/7. He recently took on a big client who is a very huge deal and has also just invested in a relative's business that shes opening. She and her partner don't know as much about business as he does so he is very involved and they look to him to help them out with a lot of things. Stress = low sex drive. Guys in general is all about testosterone levels when it comes to sex. If it's low, you're pretty much guaranteed they won't have the drive or the energy to have sex. Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, he runs his own business and he works pretty much 24/7. He recently took on a big client who is a very huge deal and has also just invested in a relative's business that shes opening. She and her partner don't know as much about business as he does so he is very involved and they look to him to help them out with a lot of things. There's ur answer. I run my own bizz, pretty much 24/7. And very stressfull weeks.. my sex drive Def goes down big time.. from 2-3 times a day when everything is good. To once a day because sex to me is a great stress reliver Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 But everyone has stress...I'm always stressed as well and I'm very sensitive so it takes the drop of a hat for me to become stressed out. When it comes to sex, I sort of separate sex with what's going on in my life so my stress level doesn't effect my libido at all. What should I say to him or do for him to de-stress him if that is the case? Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 But everyone has stress...I'm always stressed as well and I'm very sensitive so it takes the drop of a hat for me to become stressed out. When it comes to sex, I sort of separate sex with what's going on in my life so my stress level doesn't effect my libido at all. What should I say to him or do for him to de-stress him if that is the case? But you're different people, and handle stress differently. Stress does depress testosterone production in men. If it affects women in a similar way, I'm not sure. (I gather from what you said that you're female. My apologies if I have gathered wrongly. ) This could very well be the problem or at least a large contributing factor. How to de-stress him is going to be specific to him. It definitely still starts with you setting him down and impressing on him how important this is to the health of your relationship. Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He can only make time for himself and realize that it's affecting the relationship overall. Everyone deals with stress differently but in general it does affect the testosterone levels. And as he gets older that will only get worse as the testosterone levels start to drop primary after the age of 30 or so. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 But you're different people, and handle stress differently. Stress does depress testosterone production in men. If it affects women in a similar way, I'm not sure. (I gather from what you said that you're female. My apologies if I have gathered wrongly. ) This could very well be the problem or at least a large contributing factor. How to de-stress him is going to be specific to him. It definitely still starts with you setting him down and impressing on him how important this is to the health of your relationship. That's true, we are different people. Yes, sorry, I'm female. I just feel uncomfortable bringing it up yet again because I've been grumpy for the past week because of lack of sex and again last night, he could felt that I was tense and said "Do you think I don't want to have sex because I'm not attracted to you?" (something that's been brought up quite a bit because of the situation) and I tried to talk about it more last night but he just kind of shut me down. Gave one word answers and didn't offer anything else when I said, for example, "I hope you don't feel obligated to have sex with me just because I want it more then you" since last night I was clearly in a bad mood after trying to initiate something and he ignored me, then I took a shower and came back and he was suddenly into sex. His answer this to "No, I don't feel obligated" and that was that. He just doesn't like talking about it and I really need to talk about it and it's so frustrating. He won't even really explain what turns him on or what makes him suddenly want to have sex sometimes. I can be all dressed up sexily and pretty much begging for it and he won't be in the mood and then other times he will be but won't tell me what the difference is and what his preferences are. It's so confusing for me. Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Is the 'shut me down' common in your relationship? Perhaps aside from having more sex drive than him is it possible you're seeking that comfort and love through sex perhaps because you may feel it's the only time you feel closer to him with this busy schedule? Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Is the 'shut me down' common in your relationship? Perhaps aside from having more sex drive than him is it possible you're seeking that comfort and love through sex perhaps because you may feel it's the only time you feel closer to him with this busy schedule? That's an interesting suggestion, but no I don't think so. We're open about everything else, he just seems to "shut me down" in this area. We see each other as soon as we both get home at the end of the day and I pretty much live at his place on the weekends so we're pretty close to each other. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 That's an interesting suggestion, but no I don't think so. We're open about everything else, he just seems to "shut me down" in this area. We see each other as soon as we both get home at the end of the day and I pretty much live at his place on the weekends so we're pretty close to each other. Stress can induce a lower libido... That is for sure. But it's his obligation to do things to control that stress. Exercise, eat properly, whatever. There's many things you can do to fight stress. If he lets his job devour him then he's doing himself a great disservice and a great disservice to your relationship. I don't think this has anything to do with any kind of blame. It could just very well be that he was never a person with a very high libido. It's easy to keep up a facade (and the newness might have spurred it on some too) during the "honeymoon" period. Usually after things start to slow down and you get into the familiar and the normal the real personalities inevitably make their first appearance. I wouldn't rule out stress and I would talk to him about it (what I said in my first post). Otherwise you need to face the question on whether or not this relationship is enough for you even though you aren't being fulfilled emotionally/sexually. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 He often says things like "I was like you when I was your age" or "I'm not your age anymore" I really don't know what to say when talking to him, since we've spoken about this many times and I feel uncomfortable because I can feel him getting uncomfortable bringing it up. I'm not going to leave and if there is absolutely no way to solve it, hell I'll invest in some crazy amazing vibrator to keep myself contained and still be with him. I love the sex that we have, don't get me wrong...I don't know if I'm making a bigger issue out of this then it actually is but it just seems to keep nagging at me and bothering me. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He often says things like "I was like you when I was your age" or "I'm not your age anymore" I really don't know what to say when talking to him, since we've spoken about this many times and I feel uncomfortable because I can feel him getting uncomfortable bringing it up. I'm not going to leave and if there is absolutely no way to solve it, hell I'll invest in some crazy amazing vibrator to keep myself contained and still be with him. I love the sex that we have, don't get me wrong...I don't know if I'm making a bigger issue out of this then it actually is but it just seems to keep nagging at me and bothering me. It's nice how he completely invalidates your feelings. When he responds with lines such as "I was like you when I was your age" or "I'm not your age anymore" that is basically the same thing as saying, "Your feelings are irrelevant, here's how I feel instead." I would not accept this from this man, or anyone for that matter. Maybe part of the problem is he KNOWS you aren't going anywhere and takes you for granted. I'm not saying you need to go and leave him, but you also need to stand up for yourself and what YOU need out of the relationship. "Look Bob (or whatever his name is), here is how I feel about this. What can we do to resolve this." If he comes back with a "your feelings are irrelevant, because your (dumb/young/naive/stupid/old/or whatever) and I know better" then he just invalidating how you feel. In turn you become more resentful. Do not accept this as an answer...how you feel about it is very important and it's not debatable. You feel this way...there is no logic involved. How can I/we change this feeling so it's more healthy. This problem has directly to do with him so he needs to take part of the responsibility for it. If he doesn't then expect the same thing to continue on all new exciting levels. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 I really don't think he means it like that. It's more of a comment in passing he makes when we talk about sex, meaning he isn't constantly thinking about it like I am (the age difference is quite significant) I don't think it's right to treat one's partner as if my sexual relief is entirely up to them to provide. I would just like to have sex more often and for him to be more sexually open with me. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I really don't think he means it like that. It's more of a comment in passing he makes when we talk about sex, meaning he isn't constantly thinking about it like I am (the age difference is quite significant) I don't think it's right to treat one's partner as if my sexual relief is entirely up to them to provide. I would just like to have sex more often and for him to be more sexually open with me. Right, and the fact he's much older now means that it's your problem. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Right, and the fact he's much older now means that it's your problem. Well, maybe it is my problem. Maybe I'm creating a problem where there isn't one and I should just masturbate more and be grateful when hes in the mood instead of sulky... Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Well, maybe it is my problem. Maybe I'm creating a problem where there isn't one and I should just masturbate more and be grateful when hes in the mood instead of sulky... True, why rock the boat because you aren't getting what you need! Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Argh! I just don't even know what I'd say. "Could we try having sex a little more often?" I mean, then hes going to push himself into it more and feel like it's expected of him and that he has to and I don't want to make him feel like that at all. I just wish he had a bit more lust in my direction... Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Try being honest and tell him that it's really bothering you, see what he says. Then give him time to do something about it without pushing him any farther and let him come to you. You're talking about potentially a *long* time to have to deal with this. At some point you very well may break. Link to comment
bookworm7 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Try being honest and tell him that it's really bothering you, see what he says. Then give him time to do something about it without pushing him any farther and let him come to you. You're talking about potentially a *long* time to have to deal with this. At some point you very well may break. Okay, I will do that. Thanks for helping me out! Link to comment
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