Disappearing Guy

[canyoukeepasecret]

I don't post often so please be kind...

Met a guy and have been seeing him since July, although we never really had a conversation about making it an exclusive relationship its been going so well I was actually planning on having that conversation with him soon. I would see him about once or twice a week and we'd keep in contact with texting. A couple weeks ago he cancels a date on me last minute after texting me the previous night "how excited he is to see me, and spend time with me" because he was too tired. For the next couple of weeks he would say that we'd have to get together but he wouldn't commit to a date or time. After that I've noticed he's been distant but still would return text messages and phone calls but never initiated them (which is unusual for him)

 

So after a week of not hearing from him (answering my texts or calls) I came to the conclusion that he's lost interest in seeing me. I gave him a call on thursday and basically said that I've noticed he's distanced himself and that if he doesn't want to see me anymore that's fine, but to at least let me know via text or leave me a voicemail. I gave him an easy out, to text me and yet I've still heard nothing from him. I went out last night and although I feel like things are over between us, it felt odd meeting other guys as I feel like I've had no closure.

 

After visiting the forum I know I shouldn't contact him, but I really want to. This guy I met last night is already texting me but it feels so wrong to move on right away. My friends are all married and can't figure out why its upsetting me so much. We weren't together for years, but its still a slap in the face.

 

How can you go out with someone for months and then disappear? Am I stupid for being hung up on him and not moving on?

[annie24]

ugh, i'm really sorry. the good news is that you met someone, rather quickly, who obviously is interested in you!! Maybe this is the universe's way of saying, "here is someone better for you." It's too bad that the guy you were seeing couldn't just be straight up. I suspect he's met someone new or gotten back in touch with an ex and doesn't want to come out and just say that because he's trying to see how things play out with her before making a final decision on you, one way or the other. That's just my guess. He could have something else going on in his life (stress at work, sick family member) but how would you know unless he told you that? I know it feels weird but I would give the new guy a chance.

 

I wonder if the old guy got the sense that you were about to ask him about exclusivity, which is why he suddenly distanced himself. oh well.

 

In any case, I'm glad you have the opportunity to move on quickly!

[ToF]

I would bet money that his attention is being diverted to someone else. The moment the contact dropped between you two, was probably the moment he either met her, or decided to pursue her. I'm sorry

 

I think, in order to keep your dignity, you should refrain from chasing after him. That's what contacting him any further would be - chasing him, even if it's only to gain that "closure" you say you need.

 

Give yourself closure. Decide why you think he moved on, and then make a decision to do the same yourself.

[WhenWillILove]

Never chase a man. Don't contact him. He's just not that into you.

[canyoukeepasecret]

Thanks guys. That's what I figured that I'm some sort of safety net for him. He doesn't want to tell me because at this point he's not sure if he wants to see me in the future or not. I'm extremely shy and its hard for me to open up to guys so I think that's why I'm taking this so hard. I finally started to trust him and this is what happens.

 

I really appreciate the point from ToF, that contacting him for closure is more like chasing. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I changed his contact name on my cell to "a$$hole" which is goofy but is a reminder of how he has treated me if I'm feeling weak and wanna text him

[foolmeonce]

Your guys sounds EXACTLY like how mine acted. Sorry to say though it turned out he had a g/f. This could be possible w/urs and maybe she found out so he had to cool it w/you. Were you ever at his place or meet any of his friends? If not...thats another sure sign. Just a thought.

[canyoukeepasecret]

I stayed at his house, met his friends, he met mine. Nothing seemed suspicious. Although it did take 3weeks after meeting me and getting my number to call me, which I always thought was odd.

[Notagoodninja]

Yeah he's done don't humiliate yourself by contacting him.

I did that one time actually, I was talking to this guy seriously for one month (we never messed around or anything not even kissing) and one day I met another guy and in like 5 seconds I never spoke to the first guy again, I just dropped off the planet. But I wasn't in a relationship with him, I was just talking, and it was never physical, so it wasn't cheating. I lost interest because someone else got my attention.

[jlethal33]

I am in exactly the same situation as you as of this moment. Everyone is right; you need to give yourself your own closure. He's a coward and simply cannot face "hurting you" by breaking it off officially. Truth of the matter is, it hurts more that they've completely vanished without a single word. The silence is pretty much our answer. We must keep our head high, suck it up, and move on. Bigger and better things and people out there, right? Right.

[canyoukeepasecret]

That was what hurt the most was the fact that he couldn't even tell me it was over. It would have been so much easier having him dump me over the phone or text (I never thought I'd admit to that, but its so true!)

I liked what you guys had said and I gave myself closure by deciding that he had met someone else and moved on, and not to chase him with more text or calls. Mostly not to give him the satisfaction of me still giving him attention.

 

Interesting update today though. I got a text from my ex's best friend today, and I had recently deleted my ex's and his friends numbers out of my phone (out of site out of mind right?) and I asked who it was as the number was unfamiliar to me. He said that he was hurt and asked why he was erased out of my contacts. I said "well your friend is kinda an a$$hole, I figured I wouldn't hear from you anymore either" He agreed that my ex was an a$$. I figured that since he texted me, it didn't hurt to ask him what happened, why he disappeared.

And he said that "Ex doesn't know what he wants, but that's all I'm gonna say about that. it had nothing to do with you." So I told him that it was his loss, and its too bad for him. I really hope it gets back to my ex that I'm doing okay without him (even though I still have moments of such sadness)

 

I've thrown myself into internet dating, and while I'm not at the point where I want to actually meet anyone, the attention from other guys showing interest in you certainly does make it feel better.

[megs1000]

I've been through this too many times - with the same guy! He would disappear without a word, after months together, telling me he loved me, planning holidays etc.. not even a 'sorry I don't want to see you anymore' or anything. Just would stop answering calls/texts. One time he'd said he was coming to mine after work... even asked what I wanted him to get us for dinner and what movie we were going to watch. Then never turned up. The first couple of times I would call and text, then eventually after days of being distraught and in tears would send an email telling him what I thought. I wouldn't get a response. Then weeks or months later he would reappear saying how sorry he was, that he was going through a tough time, that he wanted nothing more than for us to be together... and I would fall for it and wanted answers so I let him back in. Every time he did the same thing. I always believed that because he came back that he'd really mean it this time. It would last weeks or months with everything being great again, but then without warning he'd vanish again. It's worn me down and broken me... he's done it for the final time now.

 

Just telling you this because the best thing you can do is meet someone new and take your mind off him. If he comes back, don't do what I did and let him back in, no matter how much you love him, as the next time it will hurt so much more, as you gave him your trust that he wouldn't do it again. And he does - regardless of your feelings.

 

I changed his name in my phone to f'#khead. It helped!!!

 

Hugs, and keep moving forward. If he's the kind of person to do that to you he's really not worth any more of your time. (I wish I'd told myself that a year ago!)