Should I apologise for forcing call on her?

[Jim Wormold]

Hi all,

 

This is related to another thread (My 2nd rejection since the last one 2 months

before. Moving on..), a call from last Monday, 31 Oct.

 

Here's my question:

 

Should I text (or email) my ex to apologise for forcing myself on her with phonecall

when I could clearly tell at first that she didn't want to talk?

 

Am I helping her healing by apologising, or just further imposing myself on her space?

 

Or is the only thing I am achieving is to make myself seem insecure and less attractive?

 

Please know, I understand that I have my faults, also that I should be in NC,

which I intend continuing from now one! I do recognise the mistake in making contact

too early. And yes, I do see the horrible irony now in talking about love when the call

was forced. I should add that I stupidly told her that I would not call again, which seems

a mean thing now to say as I know she (dumper) was still toying with trying again one day

- her heart was just not there yet.

 

I am surprisingly not as affected by the 2nd rejection as I expected.

Therefore please don't worry about my side of things, only her perspective.

(though it would make me feel better to know I "did the right thing")

 

My question is more related to her healing.

 

Would really appreciate all your thoughts.

[camus154]

"Hi all, my ex doesn't want to talk to me, but I kept pushing the point until she had to talk to me, and now I'm wondering if I should keep pushing in order to apologize for all the pushing...."

 

Does that about sum it up?

[Jim Wormold]

"Hi all, my ex doesn't want to talk to me, but I kept pushing the point until she had to talk to me, and now I'm wondering if I should keep pushing in order to apologize for all the pushing...."

 

Does that about sum it up?

 

I understand you are saying it will cause more harm than good.

 

Point taken- thanks.

[abitbroken]

I agree - just leave her alone. Don't call, don't text. Don't email, don't write.

[camus154]

All of your answers are within your own OP.

 

This is what bugs me the most about people going through break ups. They acknowledge in very clear terms what they need to do, and then they don't do it. They acknowledge all of their mistakes, and then they keep making them.

 

You don't need advice. You need to let go.

[Jim Wormold]

All of your answers are within your own OP.

 

This is what bugs me the most about people going through break ups. They acknowledge in very clear terms what they need to do, and then they don't do it. They acknowledge all of their mistakes, and then they keep making them.

 

You don't need advice. You need to let go.

 

Under normal everyday circumstances I would usually

apologise when I do something wrong. Here it was not immediately clear

to me what she might most appreciate from me, in this rather unusual situation.

 

Thanks for your input, also to abitbroken.

 

Will follow your advice.

[bdbmwer]

ive read most of your threads and you seriously need to just let go yea its hard at first but if you dont have the strength to make it through that first bit (and not just SAY it. DO it) then you ont have the strength to get her back. I think that you know what you must do its just a matter of following it. Why try so hard for someone that puts so little effort into getting back with you? dont you think you deserve better? calling to apologize for calling is an endless circle because chances are this call will not go as planned and youll find some reason to apologize for that one.

 

Simply put. dont call, move on.

[sonypirates]

I'm with bdb. I too have read your threads and you just need to stop man, just stop. She wants space and you keep pushing. Do nothing. NOTHING.

[EgoJoe]

Did she call you yet?

[Jim Wormold]

Hi bdb, sonypirates and EgoJoe (aka WiseJoe),

 

wow, thanks for all your interest!!

 

Yes, it is all systems shutdown now. I am definitely not even

texting her for her birthday end of this month. Absolutely nothing doing.

 

On the phone she did say I shouldn't be taking on all the blame, that she felt

she had changed during her 8 months abroad (we had LDR then, of 17 month

relationship). She also said she thought we were not communicating that well.

 

I also wish couples could work through issues together and not just dash off.

 

I have beaten myself up over this because I did hurt her (she was always the one giving

far more than 100%, not I) and am mostly to blame regardless.

 

I have started to think of writing it off to a learning experience. Perhaps I never had

that much control over things anyway. I had her, but I also had myself to deal with

and that therapy should have begun the day she went off abroad.

 

WiseJoe, yes she did call. I did follow your advice over the others. Ignored her, but she called

the next day again with another number I didn't recognise. That first call was amazing - we joked around

and no heavy stuff. What threw her off was when I told her I would be delivering her stuff at her friend's

place later on. I think that is really why she sent the rejection text after a really great phonecall.

In the next call she said "well, about you returning my stuff, I was hoping for something different"

 

Does that make sense? It is at times contradictory and confusing. Me returning her things must have

sent a signal, yet my call gave another clearly.

 

(It's a long story ... thread: My 2nd rejection since the last one 2 months

before. Moving on..)

 

Funny thing is she said then that she was serious about wanting to try again with me as it was

a beautiful time for her. Her heart is just stuck. Probably still in protection mode like mine a while

ago. I told her I will be around for a while.

 

However, I am privately aiming to make a new start for the new year. Just be a better

me and move on. Promise to stop harping on about this, though I may need advice later...

 

You are all amazing for checking up on me. Thanks again.

[bdbmwer]

dont worry about harping its the sole purpose of this forum.As far as her saying shed hoped things would be different but that shes not ready and such when you returned her things and the nice phonecall. actions speak louder than words. She should be upfront about things that she wants.

 

I would not have listened to anyone who told me this a while ago TRUST ME but when I tell you this i mean it. you will feel SO much better the day you stop worrying about what her contact means or how what you do affects her. By just giving her stuff back and cutting loose ends and investing no more energy by just living your life improving yourself youll start thinking of her less and less until one day you just feel sooo relieved and the best part is now youre in a position to be a pproached by new women and get that warm feeling of talking all over again!

 

sending her stuff back sent a strong message and made you appear strong as well. and it got results just look at em! so isnt that insentive to continue down the strong route of living for you and moving on? thats how you regain all the power. I think your response of ill be around was ok just make sure you dont give off the impression youre waiting for her. keep the door open but in a sense walk away from the door. If she wants you back bad enough she will send increasingly clearer signs

[Jim Wormold]

Hi, yes. What you say makes complete sense

 

Will get there. Thanks for taking the time to consider my situation

and write this.

 

I hadn't counted on the returning goods becoming such an issue.

One can only wonder now if I would have still received that rejection text

had I not returned her goods...??

 

Hm, the great first phonecall when before I told her about goods, she joked:

"now youv'e got my new number"

 

------ from that to this current state of affairs?? Strange and confusing.

 

She needs her time and she will have it.

 

Everyday stronger.

[bdbmwer]

ive been there. with my ex before this one i asked for my things back and didnt think much of it but her friends told me she cried afterwards.

 

how did she say it? because "now youve got my new number" could also mean greaaaaat now he has this one. not trying to be mean just real. Just remember NC is always the safest route but i see you know that now. Its win-win and stick to that every day stronger philosophy because its true as long as youre being productive during NC then time truly does heal.

[EgoJoe]

Ready for the bad news? She's playing games.

 

Return the stuff and ignore her until she begs to talk to you. PM Thorshammer, myself, Endy or DN or post here when she messages you.

 

You got to snap out of some of this.

[Tomuch2hope]

Hm, the great first phonecall when before I told her about goods, she joked:

"now youv'e got my new number" .

 

BAD MOVE BRO!!!!

 

I'm not long around these parts and even I can see this as a bad move. Sorry buddy, but she changed her number for a reason. How you got it or why you got it means nothing to her......the fact that you have got it her new number is whats important.

 

You've returned the items that was the last string holding you two 'together'. Forget her and crack on with your life mate.

 

I'm sorry but your like the frog in the well. The frog looks up everyday and only see's a little part of the sky. If the frog was to get out of the well, then the frog would see a lot more of the sky.

 

You = Frog

Well = Your situation

[bdbmwer]

BAD MOVE BRO!!!!

 

.

 

I'm sorry but your like the frog in the well. The frog looks up everyday and only see's a little part of the sky. If the frog was to get out of the well, then the frog would see a lot more of the sky.

 

You = Frog

Well = Your situation

 

ive never heard this analogy but its a great one! i plan on using this

[Tomuch2hope]

ive never heard this analogy but its a great one! i plan on using this

 

Feel free to spead it around, but its not mine. I think credit must go to Mao Tse-tung

 

It should read -

 

We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well.

He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well.

If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.

[Tomuch2hope]

BAD MOVE BRO!!!!

 

I'm not long around these parts and even I can see this as a bad move. Sorry buddy, but she changed her number for a reason. How you got it or why you got it means nothing to her......the fact that you have got it her new number is whats important.

 

You've returned the items that was the last string holding you two 'together'. Forget her and crack on with your life mate.

 

I'm sorry but your like the frog in the well. The frog looks up everyday and only see's a little part of the sky. If the frog was to get out of the well, then the frog would see a lot more of the sky.

 

You = Frog

Well = Your situation

 

Sorry Jim, apologies. I had forgotten your ex used that number to contact you.

 

But the frog thing still stands.

[Nick Lansing]

I think apologizing would come accross weak and pathetic and would needlessly postpone both your efforts to recover from the loss AND your chance of reconciling.

[Jim Wormold]

Hi Nick, Tomuch2hope, bdbmwer and EgoJoe!

 

Thanks for all your comments today. You are all speaking in unison

regarding the apology. I am definitely not going down that route, unless

we are one day getting on well again and I could then mention it in conversation.

 

To be clear, the new phone number was simply because she moved and she

meant that remark in a sincere nice way. Pretty sure about that. Nothing more.

 

I also believe she is too straight in her ways to play games. I have seen that

in her family as well. Really warm straight-forward people. Worlds apart from

mine. If anything she might be wondering that about me - this older guy who

has lived in a few countries, lots of experiences and "complicated" (not allowed

to swear here so you get the idea...) family on my father's side.

 

She proved herself over and over in this regard - it almost shocked me that someone

can be there for you so 100%. Had never had that before. Here I am expecting things to

be complicated somewhere along the line like the previous women I had something on with.

 

She was also sincere about her wanting to try again (said it again now), just that her heart is

not there right now. The fact that she isn't making any promises or allusions, sending texts

and so on, shows this straight-forward approach again. Just hope she is not too afraid to make contact-

I mean afraid of getting hurt or finding it was all a mistake. But I think too much.

 

That is why I think keeping quiet until she may or may not miss me seems the only route left

for me. Other than that, I am not sure I want to know what she is up to socially in the next

months.

 

Stuff has been returned so no much more to do but get on with my life...and see.

 

Her recent behaviour for me comes accross as though in conflict. I think she is not sure

about the situation. I have an idea she is just trying to heal, like me.

 

Thanks again!!

[espress]

can you just let it breathe for a bit?

 

stop initiating contact, see what, if anything, comes of that

 

stop chasing her dude, let her come to you

[Nick Lansing]

I'm sure she is conflicted and confused. But my experience has been that, at such times, you need to give her time and space to let her figure things out. Remember, she knows how you feel. There is no need to rmind her. Any contact you initiate right now, including apologizing, is unwelcome pressure.

[Jim Wormold]

I'm sure she is conflicted and confused. But my experience has been that, at such times, you need to give her time and space to let her figure things out. Remember, she knows how you feel. There is no need to rmind her. Any contact you initiate right now, including apologizing, is unwelcome pressure.

 

Hi Nick and espress,

 

Thanks. Yes, am keeping low for now. Does bug me though

that returning her stuff caused such a negative reaction. A bit

clumsy of me, trying to win her over and then giving the contradictory

signals in my actions.

 

Today I thought I might be perfect material for a romantic comedy...you know the

kind, silly guy almost trips over himself, but can't say the most basic obvious

things to the woman hes is trying to seduce. She likes him, maybe, but needs

to know what he is on about. Cringe-worthy.

 

It was a eureka moment today (I find codes fascinating), when I spoke

to someone about her text ("we spoke about everything and nothing"),

and the therapist said, well, you told her sooo much, but have you actually

simply told her you want her back? I am able to create labyrinthian perspectives

- doesn't help much. And here she is thinking, the guy gives me my stuff back,

his actions don't match his words.

 

Ah, well. Complicated. At least I told her I love her, mind.

[EgoJoe]

SHE IS PLAYING you like a fiddle.

 

Lets do some "math"

 

She doesn't want to be with you + She doesn't want her stuff back + she has an irregular selfish mode of contact + she can see your needyness and instability =

 

Control games. Welcome to egotistical defense mechanisms 101

[Jim Wormold]

SHE IS PLAYING you like a fiddle.

 

Lets do some "math"

 

She doesn't want to be with you + She doesn't want her stuff back + she has an irregular selfish mode of contact + she can see your needyness and instability =

 

Control games. Welcome to egotistical defense mechanisms 101

 

Well, my therapist reckons I take on way too much guilt

in general in my life. A warped sense of "responsibility" towards others that may actually

not be right at all. However, i do know that my emotional issues that I am working

on now caused the break up....let's say 80% (??). She also however said she felt that she changed

during the LDR abroad and she saw communication problems with us.

 

So, the blame issue should be inserted into your maths formula. I am just

not sure how much % is correct and to whom it belongs. Not that I am interested in blame games!!!

 

I also don't know if women need time out to heal or if one can simply sit down and talk things out if you

really want the relationship. Meeting someone face to face and just taking some time to get reacquainted, joke here,

a more serious conversation there. No quasi-communication (email, text, phone) stress, just real communication

on a park bench. Hard to generalise perhaps?

 

I definitely feel strong enough now to deal with whatever. Strangely. I think it was that first phone chat

that put me back on my feet. The rejection knocked me for a day, but didn't create any real setback in general

personally. Maybe for the "relationship" though. I am ready now to tackle things, she is just not. Fair enough.

I will carry on with my life in the meantime.

 

I am sure I can be clumsy in what I say and do. But surely my intentions should be clear enough.

 

The returned goods may just be a cop out for her.

 

Anyway, I do think I have at the very least gained some perspective since first joining the forum.