Is this normal?

[Soufpaw]

First off: I know the title doesn't give much away, but I couldn't think of anything better right this moment.

 

 

Secondly, here is my story:

 

 

When my girlfriend and I broke up after 6 months, it wasn't because either of us cheated but because all we ever did for weeks on end was argue. It was a long distance relationship, but I find 3 hrs drive very managable. She broke it up because she was sick of all the fighting, I was in pieces, but left her alone, she initiated contact, which we never really lost, even though we did have our ups and downs during that period (about 3 months). We met twice during that time, always having a good time together, and ended up sleeping with each other each time as well.

 

On the last meet-up, almost 2 weeks ago, I asked her right before I left if we could give things another go and she agreed. I didn't beg, I simply asked, and she said yes. However, we now seem to be on two different points of view because I feel like I need and want to be affectionate (mostly verbally, as it is all we have for the next 2 weeks) but it never gets returned. She is nice to me and she calls whenever she can (she is having a really busy time at college and work lately and barely has time for herself). Everytime something like "If I was there I'd want to cuddle up in bed with you right now" is said, I am the one who initiated this sort of topic. We are in constant contact during the day through txts and phone calls, but WHAT she says is platonic.

 

An example: We used to have this ritual that the person who first gets up sends the other a morning txt, usually something to make the other feel loved and appreciated. After asking if I could have one the other day, I get "Good morning, hope you had a good sleep". And that's it.

 

Before we started the arguing in "round 1", she was much more affectionate, even though - to be fair - it has to be said that she is not the type of person to verbalize her emotions or talk about "heart stuf" much, she just can't. Occasionally she used to though, which made it even more special when she did.

 

 

 

I have addressed this a few times already since we got back together, and she got annoyed everytime, telling me that we have only been back together for a few days. (>>>????? what does she mean by that???)

 

She doesn't say "hey, I know it's hard for you right now but give me a little more time and it will come back, I'm sure. You know what I'm like." This would be exactly what I need to hear right now because I am scared and insecure because I fear I will lose her again. I am not pressing on or anything, I just thought "give it a few days and she will come round", but it's been 12 days now and there is no "love you". I understand there is no "I love you" but "love you" or "I'm really happy to have you". Everytime I ask her if she regrets her decision she says no. Her main point is that "jesus, it's only been 12 days"

me: "yes, but it gets tiring to say things to make you feel loved and it never gets returned"

her: "never? you make it sound like it didn't get returned for 3 years, it's only been 12 days. it's normal that it's not that close again yet."

 

Is it really?

[lavenderdove]

This is like constantly opening the oven door every couple minutes to see if the cake is cooking... it will never bake if you are constantly messing with the oven and trying to open the door.

 

You can't control another person's emotions and shouldn't demand they say/feel things if they don't. That is more about your own insecurity than it is about building a good relationship. If you're hovering over her demanding she declare undying love all the time, it will totally kill her desire to say it. And if you want a woman who is constantly emoting at you and she's already told you she doesn't enjoy verbalizing her emotions or talk about 'heart stuff', then you probably aren't compatible as people.

 

Love isn't about words, it is about two people who enjoy each other's company and enjoy being together. There can be extraordinarily deep love between people and they never once have to mention the 'i love you' words. Some people want/need that, and other don't. So if it is something you absolutely crave, then you probably need to find a woman who enjoys it too... but she is not wrong if she doesn't want to verbalize it all the time... most people don't say i love you constantly and would see your expectations as needy and too demanding.

 

Relationships aren't about 'rituals', they are about choices and emotions, and you can't force her to feel something or say something she doesn't want to say. If you keep this up, she most likely will dump you again.

[Soufpaw]

If you're hovering over her demanding she declare undying love all the time, it will totally kill her desire to say it. And if you want a woman who is constantly emoting at you and she's already told you she doesn't enjoy verbalizing her emotions or talk about 'heart stuff', then you probably aren't compatible as people.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. However, I do NOT (!!) want her to say it ALL the time. I just would like a non-misunderstandable statement that there are feelings from her to me that are NOT PLATONIC. That is all. Just once, just so I know.

Is being back with me enough of a statement that she gives me?

[tyr72]

Thank you for your reply. However, I do NOT (!!) want her to say it ALL the time. I just would like a non-misunderstandable statement that there are feelings from her to me that are NOT PLATONIC. That is all. Just once, just so I know.

Is being back with me enough of a statement that she gives me?

 

Yes. She agreed to get back together with you. If 'just friends' was what she wanted she could have easily had that, by saying 'No' to you. Her emotions develop on their own schedule, not yours. If you want to keep her, you won't push her.

[Soufpaw]

@tyr72: Thank you.

 

 

Last Saturday was the last time she said something nice to me in a txt message "you are great". I haven't pushed into anything, haven't pushed her away from me, basically letting her set the pace for everything because what tyr said made perfect sense to me, and she seemed to pick up on my change in attitude. Most importantly, I haven't brought up any "relationship issues", since it would lead to arguing because she generally hates "relationship talk".

Still, sometimes it feels like we are just friends from how she is acting. There is no sexual spark coming from her, I hope you guys are right and it will develop in her own time. As long as it will, it scares me, and I can't talk to her about it because she gets annoyed.

 

Because she is working two jobs and college at the moment, we have very little time to talk, but I knew that when I asked her to get back together. I try to give her no pressure about talking to me (like "can we PLEASE talk tonight?" on her only night off), and knowing she has a weekend packed with friends activities starting on friday and working thursday, I wanted to let her know that maybe IF SHE (!!!!!) LIKES we can speak "some time next week" if she wants. Tonight is her only night off until then, and - even though I'd really like it if she WANTED to speak to me - I didn't want to have her think she HAS to talk to me when she'd rather have her peace and quiet. So I told her that and she just wrote replied (txt) "k".

 

I'm stuck in a rut: I'm giving her all the time and space she needs to herself, even offering to let me hear from her some time next week (if she likes) and not making ANY demands, and instead of at least appreciating it, there is nothing. She then called to say we can "speak tonight". I wonder why she even got back with me.

 

Maybe I'm being naiv. She still insists she doesn't regret getting back together with me.

[pl3asehelp]

Thank you for your reply. However, I do NOT (!!) want her to say it ALL the time. I just would like a non-misunderstandable statement that there are feelings from her to me that are NOT PLATONIC. That is all. Just once, just so I know.

Is being back with me enough of a statement that she gives me?

 

Yes, I think her getting back into a relationship with you is all the re-assurance you need that her feelings for you are more than platonic. In fact, I really believe that's all you should ever need for the entire rest of your relationship.

[Soufpaw]

In fact, I really believe that's all you should ever need for the entire rest of your relationship.

 

No signs of affection?

[Soufpaw]

I am fuming. 3 weeks ago, she asked me if I was free next weekend (the 18th of oct). I was thrilled SHE wanted to see me (as often it used to be me asking). She asked for this precise date as the weekends up until then she either had plans with friends (which is fine by me) or family obligations. So for the past two weeks I have been waiting for that day to come like a kid for christmas, as it will be the first time I see her again with us being a couple again.

 

Last night, after she got back from work, I asked her, just to really really make sure, if the date still stands. She said yes, but maybe we should re-think the date again: If we would wait one week longer, she could already come on thursday instead of friday and we would have one day more. I said no because I thought three weeks waiting was long enough and I think emotionally and mentally, for us, it's about time we spend some time together. She also mentioned that she already had VAGUE (!!!) plans for that weekend with friends....BEFORE SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS FREE THAT PARTICULAR WEEKEND.

She probably tried to create a win-win situation so she can go out with her highschool friends (she has been seeing them frequently lately and who live much much closer to her than I do), and "in return" I get one more day with her than I would have if she came the weekend we had planned.

 

Now, two things might be true, and I don't know which one saddens me more:

 

1) She really did have vague plans for that weekend already before she asked me if I was free on that date. In that case: Why on earth did she ask me if I was free that precise weekend? I asked her this and she said "because everything after that seemed too long". In that case, what saddens me is: now she has made up her mind that seeing me can wait yet another week? (she obviously didn't say this, but what other reason could there be??)

 

2)Something her friends planned came up in the meantime which she would like to do AS MUCH AS SEEING ME, and instead of turning that idea down immediately (if she was missing me as much as much as I was her), she tried to create a situation (one day more together) in which I get the illusion of gaining something, when really she just wants to go out. I am hurt.

 

I told her I'd rather not have one more extra day with her and have her come the weekend we had originally planned (also, I have lecture on both days, so it's not like we'd have a lot of extra time), and she said okay and no big deal, I'll come then.

 

I can't get the thought out of my head though that she'd rather do * * * * with friends and let me wait yet another week until I can finally have her again. I wrote this to her in a txt after the phone call and she replied that I shouldn't always see the bad in people and that she offered this for one more extra day, not because she desperately wants to go out. But in combination with the fact that "there already were vague plans anyway", this "great offer" has a weird aftertaste. Am I being over-sensitive?

[Soufpaw]

I doubt anyone will read this, but here's the follow-up: the next morning, she apologised, calling her own behaviour in this situation inappropriate and basically said sorry. We resolved this.

However, something is still bugging me. Even though I *know* (and she has said this several times) that "it takes time to grow closer together again", I feel like an idiot sometimes because really most things I do (without overdoing them) I do in order to get any kind of positive recognition from her. I basically try to be considerate, understanding, playing the piano for her, creating a friendly atmosphere (this one is hard in a LDR), accepting her busy schedule until christmas.

I don't constantly tell her nice things, but sometimes I do. I don't want to hear anything nice "in return", but there is nothing coming from her, EVER. And when we get into a discussion about this, ...no, wait: we don't ever get to talk about this because she shuts off.

 

This weekend will be the first weekend of us spending time together as a couple since we got back together. I'm somewhere in between nervous and scared because I don't want to push her away.

 

I'm willing to stick this out until the very end, but again I find myself asking:

 

Why did she even get back together with me?

 

 

Any takers?