growing up and moving on.

[nocontactqueen]

i've been struggling with journaling for a while now- ultimately writing things out makes me feel better but there are so many times when i don't want to be reminded of how i felt, good or bad. i also start journals in so many places, over and over, i always feel better writing if i know someone is reading- and here i have a better chance of that than anywhere else. so- i'm attempting to keep this up because i think journaling is a good thing for my mental and emotional health.

 

where do i stand right now? as i start this journal?

i'm in my second year of a public health graduate school program. i've finished all of my coursework and i currently have an internship that i am enjoying, at times. or rather, i like doing what i do because i help others, but i don't like being an intern at the organization as much as i had hoped. it's also unpaid, which adds to the dislike. however, i feel so sure everyday that public health is the right field for me, and i'm so happy that i've been chasing this dream since high school. i'm also considering nursing school because i want to provide more personal care rather than just examining health issues on a broader level- i think i want a little of both. i've also always dreamed of working with doctors without borders, and as a nurse or nurse practitioner, i can do that.

 

i'm currently single- for the first time since high school, and it's literally kicking my butt. i'm really bad at it. i've started debating this whole "addicted to love" concept, but i don't think i'm quite there yet. i've never stayed in a relationship that was bad. in fact, the reason i'm single now is because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me and i know that i deserve better. we even tried to make it work again recently, but he was admittedly still seeing the girl he cheated on me with- and after a week of not making any promises, i told him i couldn't do it anymore and walked away. it felt and still feels good. but recently i feel like i've been desperately looking for someone to fill this void in my life that is being single. at times i feel really pathetic because i go on dates with guys from a dating site and then just feel ridiculous- either because the guy was not what i expected, not my type, or just weird- but usually because i feel like i've lowered my standards when i resort to online dating.

 

i miss seeing my friends like i used to. most of my friends are living in various corners of the world- which is what happens when you're working on a degree in international health. i met some of my best friends in this program and it kills me that they are all so far away and ever since i hit this bump in the road i feel like i've increasingly lost contact instead of asking for help. it's something i'm working on. although, some have visited recently and it felt absolutely wonderful to see them again, reminded me that life can and will go on because there are people that love me!

 

that all sounds so depressing- but i'm working on new directions in my life and i'm rekindling relationships with friends. i'm getting through my internship, i'll write my thesis and have my masters in just a few months. everyone gets in ruts, but i'm working through it- leaning on people that i know will always be there for me.