Hoping for a second chance with ex after a lot of soul-searching

[LilyAna618]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this…I really appreciate any help you have to offer. I broke up with boyfriend of 10 months about a month ago. He did not want the breakup and made that clear since we’ve been apart, but there were no grand gestures or big efforts on his part to try to reconcile (not that I expected or needed that). The main reasons for the breakup were lack of communication that lead to significant fights at least once a month and me being uncomfortable with his anabolic steroid use and subsequent narcissistic tendencies that it exacerbated. The beginning of the relationship was kind of a whirlwind romance and we moved in together very quickly. We came to realize that this put too much undo pressure on the relationship and I decided to move out in July. We stayed together though up until a month ago. At that point, I gave him an ultimatum – either the steroids or me because I was concerned about the long-term effects on his health and psyche, as well as our relationship. He agreed after a number of days to stop the steroids, but his words and actions led me to believe it was not a heartfelt decision and that there was and would be resentment behind it. So I broke up with him to save us both from that and because I was concerned that we weren’t making each other happy on a consistent basis.

 

So fast forward a month and a lot of soul-searching, I’ve come to realize that a lot of the issues in our relationship could have been resolved with some improved communication and a attitude/perspective shift on my part (basically appreciating the loving gestures that he shows me even if he shows his love differently than how I or someone else might). I told him this weekend that I would like to talk about trying to work things out, maybe meet with a counselor together, etc and he seemed on-board with all of it. But then when we sat down and talked Tuesday night, he basically broke down and said that he was too hurt and confused by the breakup and the time that had passed and didn’t think he would be able to try to work things out right now. He is also in the process of opening a new business and is concerned about getting back into a “roller coaster relationship” when he needs to focus so much energy on the business. He said he still loved me and missed me though and that he would be willing to take some time to think things through. I was really upset and emotional at first, but eventually told him that I respected and understood his decision and for him to take whatever time he needed. Yesterday morning I got a text from him saying he was thinking about me and nothing else since.

 

I really love him and want the opportunity to try to work things out with a new perspective. I miss him terribly and am kicking myself for the way I handled some things. Like I said, any advice is much appreciated!!

[EgoJoe]

Well, goodjob admitting those things. Make sure you do the same with him and show positive change when you do talk. Now is the time to be humble and at his leisure. He was obviously very hurt but still loves you and is unsure. Once you leave the stigma of the possibility contained therein takes a LONG time to fade and may never dissipate completely.

[Ms Darcy]

You both are in different places. He wants it/you don't. You want it/he doesn't. I would just give it time and see how things play out.

[LilyAna618]

Thank you both for your advice. He sent me another text tonight saying that he doesn't know what the future holds, but that he feels lucky to have me in his life. I'm just confused on how to show him humility and that I've made positive changes, while also respecting the time and space he needs to think.

 

I've read on here that as the dumper, that avoiding contact is sometimes counter-productive and that sometimes it's better to show some effort in "pursuing" the relationship. There is a show coming up down here in a few weeks that we both want to go to and even talked about going together to after we broke up. I was thinking about maybe sending him tickets and then leaving it up to him if he wanted to go together or to take a friend. I just don't want him to feel pressured and then I push him further away....

 

Thanks again for everyone's help!

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't send him the tickets. That's pursuing too hard.