Long distance relationship troubled by finances...?

[Annaleise]

My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for about 9 months now...I'm in California for medical school and he is in Texas. Over the past 9 months, I have gone to see him four times, and the only time he has come to see me was when I bought a plane ticket for him. At the time, I had been waiting for him to save and come see me, but it had been four and a half months and I really missed him, so I bought him a ticket. I do love him, and it's not about nickle-and-diming him...it's just very frustrating. I'm in school right now so I really cannot afford to be the only one funding our relationship. Fortunately, I'm lucky enough to be blessed with wonderful parents who are financially supporting me and my academics, but the amount of money is not the problem, it's that I feel like I'm the only one putting work into this. I am 21 years old and he is a 27 year-old engineer, yet I feel like I am being used as a bank. He has never met my parents - we met right before I had to move to California, this past winter - and all he knows is that my family is um...financially stable, so I feel like he uses me as a bank account sometimes. We do love each other, but I think I'm just very new to this "financial aspect" of a relationship, and it is extremely stressful. He has always been VERY bad with credit cards (almost $10,000 in debt) and spends his entire paychecks on video games, motorcycle parts, and clothes the day that he gets paid...and then takes money from my bank account to "get by" until he gets paid again.

I really don't mean to paint him off as a bad person and I'm afraid that I am - he is absolutely wonderful to me as a boyfriend, but I feel like I can't put my foot down with him because if I stop paying for visits, then no one will, and I don't know the next time I will be able to see him.

I have brought it up to him once, but money is an extremely sensitive topic with a lot of people, and I think he felt like I was being condescending

Has anyone else had this problem with a long-term relationship? What else can I do?

 

Thank you!

 

Best,

Annaleise

[annony]

I've been in relationships with people who were bad savers before.

Just too impulsive and the temptation to buy things is too great.

I think if you told him honestly that you feel that things are a bit lop sided, and talk about a saving plan for him to pay for the next plane ticket it would be beneficial.

Work out a deal where he puts so much per paycheque away for the ticket, and keep asking him how close he is to getting it.

[LDRohnos]

I am 21 years old and he is a 27 year-old engineer

 

To me it seems you're the 27 year old engineer and he's the 21 year old college student. This man is 27 going on 18..is this really what you want out of a relationship?

 

LDR's are hard but you should NOT be funding his plane tickets to see you. If he cannot see the point of saving up money (not buying video games or motorcycle parts for a month or two) so he can afford a plane ticket because you mean that much to him....why is this man worth it to you? Apparently his games and motorcycles take a priority in his life.

 

This isn't about money...this is about priorities and maturity...which he has neither set right.

[LDRohnos]

PS - Nagging him about it isn't going to help.. This is something that a mature 27 year old man should know comes before his toys. It's either that or he just doesn't value the relationship nearly as much as you do. He'll keep devaluing it so long as you pay for his tickets and/or keep making the trips to see him.

[Annaleise]

We had discussed him saving between $25 to $50/week to come see me, which would put him on the track of buying a ticket once every other month. That would have worked out perfectly because I would fly to Texas on the months in between, if school vacations permitted. I tried to get him to open up a partial direct-deposit as well, and he tries to save the money, but something always comes up. And you're right Rohnos, it is about priorities, I completely agree. He had saved up $100 one month, but had to spend it because his power was shut off. The way I see it - the power was only shut off because he was too frivolous with his paycheck, but he really doesn't think of it that way at all, he said that it was an "emergency."

 

Should I just hold my ground and wait for him to save to come to California? Because, obviously, if he doesn't save up the money, then that answers my question, doesn't it...?

[LDRohnos]

I'm not surprised his power was turned off to be honest. I know times are hard right now but if you know he's throwing money around on things he DOES NOT NEED and in turn he's having his utilities turned off....he has no ability to budget his money. He sees, he buys, he thinks about it later. Bad way to go about things, especially now. This is something he's going to need to work out whether or not you're in an LDR with him...

 

This is really something you're going to have very little control over. Much like any habit someone forms for years it's going to take him a lot of time and effort to change it and it'll be completely up to him to do it.

 

You have to put your foot down. This is the type of person that will take an arm if you give him a hand.