Never Again - The Addict's Covenant

[Deckard]

Well, I spent some time here in 2008/9 as I crawled out of the hell of 2.5 years of dysfunction with the woman I love. I got a long way out (8 months NC) only to walk right back in after she reached out with an "I'm nothing without you" text. And now here I am again. 2 years later. Alone. Broken. But not beaten. I had the courage to love her; but more courageous still was the soul-rupturing decision to say No More. Put simply, so powerful was my addiction that I consistently accepted behavior (lies, cheating, abuse, ...) from her that was at odds with who I am in all other aspects of my life: friend, father and man. In the end, to continue to do that would mean my ruination. So I carved that cancer out of my life (3 months stone-cold NC) and I offer this covenant (which I recite whenever the craving starts to stir) to those other of you who are on the path out of addiction to another. Hopefully it will offer some peace and support:

 

I am a recovering addict,

Each day my addiction grows weaker,

Each day my soul’s voice grows clearer.

 

Nothing she does or is done to her

Will cause me to alter my course.

 

I am a warrior,

I am beautifully broken,

I own the whole of me: black/white; light/dark; virtue/perversity.

And my spirit will never be extinguished.

 

I will honour this dark night,

I will not falter in its flame,

And I will emerge whole to greet the dawn.

This I covenant.

[babysunshine]

This is great!! I'm glad you found the strength to remove toxicity out of your life. Good luck!

[dabbledave]

... bump ...

 

There are plenty of reasons why many would view my feelings and love for my ex as a ruinous addiction.

 

If it is I haven't acknowledged it yet. I'm still addicted. I still give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I love your strength.

 

DD

[Deckard]

Thanks babysunshine and DD. Truth be told my strength only emerged after being treated like a doormat for years. You will know it's addiction/co-dependency if she wafts between adoration and hate on a moment's notice and you find a way to explain her conduct. It's addiction if you forgive the unforgiveable just to get one more hit. It's addiction if she tries to isolate you from good people and you accept it. It's addiction when you know she is being deceitful and you still buy the latest story. Most of all, you know its addiction when her being with you and your acceptance of her conduct starts to erode who you are in all the other aspects of your life - your voice loses its rootedness, you feel inauthentic and you know in your sole that you are sacrificing yourself on her pyre. I learned the hard way. I bear her no malice. But I am done with that drug. To do otherwise would be to forfeit myself and that is supremely unkind to oneself and the people who truly love you. I can already see the dawn in the distance.

[Carus]

It's addiction if you forgive the unforgiveable just to get one more hit.

Deckard* speaks the truth.....and the withdrawals are extremely bad.....

 

But in the throes of my freefall, realising that it WAS like getting off nicotine or something gave me a little bit more resolve to keep going*

 

Welcome back to the real world Deckard*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[SudoMB]

... bump ...

 

There are plenty of reasons why many would view my feelings and love for my ex as a ruinous addiction.

 

If it is I haven't acknowledged it yet. I'm still addicted. I still give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I love your strength.

 

DD

 

 

This mirrors my thoughts quite well....I do believe friends and family have given up on her, and have heard enough from me...but yea...that's how I feel. Giving her the benefit of the doubt..