I really need advice... We keep fighting :( :( :(

[Linlo]

There is quite a lot to read but this is quite serious I think, and I'm really at the edge of my sanity trying to find a solution here Any suggestions on this dilemma would be so so welcome.

 

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OK, I have this guy friend who I'm pretty close with. We're just friends. But still very close. He phones every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times - I don't mind, because generally he's fun to talk to and I don't feel nervous because I know he knows where he stands, and he knows our relationship is just frienship.

 

However, about 1 in every 10 conversations ends in a huge fight, usually with me in tears -_- And the thing is, these arguments seem to originate mostly from his insecurities. Insecurities that seem to be ever present! *le sigh* He jokes all the time, and at first glance he seems very outgoing and confident but really I've come to suspect that he's much more insecure than he initially seems. These days he'll constantly go on about how I'll forget all about him when I go to university and make new friends and I won't make the effort to keep in touch.

 

After about a week of this, I told him it bothers me that he could think that about me, but then he covered it all up claiming it was just a joke. You see, often he jokes without making it obvious he's joking, sometimes about very insensitive things that offend me and this often causes problems between us too. Perhaps it was partially a joke on the surface, but that fact that he keeps on about it suggests to me that he really IS worried about me casting him aside. And no matter how much I try to convince him that I love him to bits and that I'm not the kind of person who just abandons their friends, he still doesn't seem to believe me. It drives me insane... To be honest it offends me a little that he views me as somebody so shallow, when I have never, ever given him cause to think that.

 

And, a month or so ago, we had this ongoing argument. It all started when he complained that I didn't say "I love you," without prompting, at the end of every conversation. Bear in mind we are JUST FRIENDS. He told me it upset him that I didn't say it - to me this was quite ridiculous! I have a few other very very close friends and we only say things like that when there is real cause to. Heck, even my boyfriend didn't get upset when I didn't say it after every single conversation!!! It made me very uncomfortable being ASKED to say this by somebody who wasn't even my boyfriend.

 

I felt like he wanted more from me than I was willing to give, and wasn't willing to accept and appreciate everything I do willingly give in our friendship. Which is a lot. I'm not the most emotionally open person in the world, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable throwing those words "I love you" around without real cause. To me it seems those words should be impulsive, and spontaneous, and in the moment, and if I say them I want to be saying them because I really want to communicate something special to somebody. I did explain my discomfort to him, and he just said that he always needs me to confirm that I care about him because otherwise he doesn't think I do. Now, am I being stupid or is this really weird?! How can somebody be this insecure...?

 

Well, the argument died down after a while. I gave up protesting, for the sake of the friendship, and resolved to obey his request and say the words after every conversation. =\ But the issue remains unresolved.

 

Today, we had another fight. This time it was really stupid. I'd recently made some recordings of myself playing piano and singing some compositions I'd written, and he asked me a couple of nights ago if I'd arrange this particular song for him, for piano and voice, and record it for him. I said yes, because I thought it would work well and I also like this song very much. The following day, I was very busy recording some vocal harmonies for a friend of mine.

 

I told him about it and he started complaining and saying, "So you'll do a song for this guy but you haven't done anything about my song yet?" I was taken aback. I suspected he was joking at first, so I sort of laughed and asked, "What?" but then he continued, "How come you'll record his thing and not mine? When are you going to do my song?" And I got a bit defensive over this, and protested that it had only been 2 days since he'd asked me, and I had other things to do first, and, "It's not like the song is that important that I have to do it straight away." Then he was silent for a few seconds. Oh dear. He didn't like that... I tried to clarify and lighten the mood, saying, "You know. It's not like a life/death situation here, hmm?"

 

Then he said that he thought I was being hurtful. I was mystified, and slightly pissed off, and maybe I was in the wrong but the whole thing seems weird to me. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that because I commented about the song not being that important, I didn't care about him and he was insignificant to me. I was annoyed but apologized and corrected him, but he still insisted that I said it because I don't care, and that he hadn't completely misinterpreted - he basically told me that I was a tactless, insensitive person who cares more about being right than my friendship with him. Honestly, this made me more than a little frustrated and upset. He was twisting all my words, completely failing to see what I was actually saying! He also told me the comment he'd made about me doing the other song before his had been a joke... *sigh* I adore him, and most of the time we get along great but I am really getting fed up with his constant need for reassurance when he never allows himself to believe that I care about him. Even now when I make the effort to say "I love you" no matter how uncomfortable it makes me =\ And sometimes he replies "no you don't" when I do say it. I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. Is there anything I can do? Anything I can say to help him to see that he's got nothing to be insecure about? I've tried everything I can possibly think of, and the problem isn't improving at all. I hate feeling I have to tiptoe around him. I hate feeling like he sees me as a worse person than I am when I try so hard to be a good friend to him, and I feel hurt that he leads himself to see me in a negative light just because he's so insecure.

 

Please please help! If you can suggest anything I'd be sooooo grateful... >_

[AzurePhoenix]

I can see how you would be very confused here.

 

No guy calls a girl 2-3 times a day just as friends. He has a deep emotional attachment to you.

 

No guy "friend" wants you to tell him that you love him. This is reserved for said deeply emotional attachments.

 

Lastly.. and this is important in conversation for now and in the future:

"The truth comes out in jest." You want to know how he feels and what he is thinking? Write down on a piece of paper everything he has "joked about" in the last few weeks. This is the truth of your friend.

 

He loves you, you are emotionally avaliable to him. He does not want you to leave him. He is trying to find a way to keep the relationsip alive and is very insecure about you leaving to go to the University.

 

You have to make the decisions here. I can ask you a question however.

How would you feel if your real boyfriend had a girl calling him 2-3 times a day and that girl got mad if he did not tell her she loved him?

 

~AzurePhoenix

[Celadon]

Thanks for posting, Nevelinde. I can see how very frustrating this situation is for you. It sure would be for me!

 

I have some blunt things to say about your friend, so bear with me: He is out of line. In fact, I believe he is narcissistic, because everything is about HIM and his insecurity. Unfortunately, his insecurity is out of control and he's trying to control you instead of his insecurity. He is demanding that you tell him each and every time that you love him? He has a hole in his soul that you can never fill, as much as he wants you to.

 

I believe you must be firm with him. You seem like an incredibly caring person, but sometimes our friends need us to point out our flaws so we are forced to change, not just allow the flaws to run roughshod over our and everyone else's lives. See, it's already driving you nuts! That's not good.

 

I rather believe that he DOES see you as his girlfriend and his security blanket. To correct this, you must tell him what you would find reasonable -- and stick to it. Tell him you do love him as a friend, but you will NOT say "I love you" at the end of each conversation. Tell him you may say it spontaneously every now and then, if you feel like it.

 

I hope some of this helps. I genuinely think he would benefit from some counseling as well. Good luck!

[San123]

Yes, he definantly wants or sees you more than just a friend...

[Linlo]

Thank you for all your advice.

 

Hmm... maybe you're right in that he would rather we were more than friends. As much as I confirm that I only love him as a friend, he always seems to be trying ti convince me how we'd be great together ^^;

 

I will try to be firm with him. It's difficult to know how to approach him with these things, though, because he gets all quiet and upset when I try to talk about them. I don't want to risk starting a fight. But I will try. ^^ I think it's probably a good thing I'm going to university in three weeks, because then there'll be a reason why he can't call me every day. I guess he'll just have to learn to not need me so much. I hope he can. I don't want him to feel lonely though, he hasn't have the easiest of lives. But it's not as if I'm his only friend, he has plenty of others!

 

Anyway, thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your help.