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Why doesn't my partner love me the way I love him?


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Hey everyone, I'm in despirate need of some advice, please help!

 

I've been in a relationship going on 7 months now and I can honestly say I sincerely love my partner. Over the past several years I've been in relationships where the depth of care for that person was never this strong. Its actually quite overwhelming, but a great feeling to love someone on this level.

 

I've expressed to my boyfriend/partner (never know what 2 call him?), how much I care. On a continual basis, as time passes, my love for him grows. I've made it clear that he's the one I'd like to spend a very long time with. He responds in the same manner, however when it comes down to it, we love each other on completely different levels.

 

As one knows, there are many different factors that tie together a healthy relationship, some big issues, others are the little stuff...the day to day things. On a regular basis, because I love him, I make sure to go out of my way to be there for him, to give him positive reinforcement, to fulfill his emotional, intellectual, sexual, etc., needs. He's been placed at the top of my priority list in life.

 

The problem we face is that our relationship is one-way. All the things I do for him, I don't receive in return. Mainly its the lack of emotional support and reinforcement that bothers me. Family is important to him and they are not accepting of me, thereforeeeeeee I'm left to spend Holiday's alone. When he has problems, he doesn't like coming to me. I feel unappreciated, like I don't have a purpose in our relationship. On several occasions in the past, I've caught him in lies and I've forgiven him. It almost appears he does not take our relationship as seriously as I do. I always communicate and pour out my heart to him on a regular basis to ensure he knows how I feel but I never get any kind of feedback. I'm not quite sure what to do here...most of this may seem petty...but I'm sure some of you can relate. I just want to be loved the way I love him. Is that too much to ask? Any feedback, good or bad will help. Thanks.

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hey...i know where you are coming from. i dated a guy like that a few years back. he was there in some ways, but not in others. he was a horrible communicator and even worse when it came to expressing his affections in a non-physical way. i figured bc i was getting physical signs (not sex, but hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc.) that it was his way of expressing what he couldnt verbally. and i went along for quite a while, all the time hurting bc i could never express myself to him and get a response. i guess its all about you...how much it means to you to be able to freely exchange ideas, opinions, thoughts, etc. and it sounds like this is very important to you. if im right, your unhappiness will only grow. tell him your side. tell him how vital it is to you. and if he wont make any attempts to change, either accept it or move on. but, i must say that accepting it is cutting yourself short. i know its hard to see when you are still involved or still holding on, but there really are other men out there. men who will be able to fulfil the needs that you have. so, why waste you time and energy and youth on someone who cant or wont give you what you need?

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Hey there Mag, thanks for the reply. You know, daily, I've been searching the internet, typing in random words such as "relationship advice", "loving each other on different levels", etc. I think I'm looking for an answer that's just not there. I'm not even sure if I know the problem too well?

 

Do you think its a lack of love on his end? Maybe he just doesn't love me the way I love him? Or could it all be selfishness? Lack of experience? -Well...I know that's a big part of it as this is his first relationship. Each time I express my feelings to him, he almost laughs at me..he says its b/c he doesn't know what to tell me. I've expressed some of my needs, wants, etc.

 

However as I mentioned before, his family is a big part of it. I don't want to interfere in his family relationship, but it appears he's not ready to grow up & be on his own. Does that makes sense? From my perspective, this issue closely correlates to to a very committed or even a married straight couple. When people get married, family is of course still important to them but their spouse becomes (or should become) the most important person in their life. They should turn to their spouse for everything, good & bad. And if both partners put the other first in their lives, and put the other person's needs above their own...then the needs of both people will be met as they will be caring for each other. To me that's love & commitment.

 

Well..I better stop babbling on here. I'm just so confused & hurt. I certainly don't want to give up, I love this man dearly and have & will continue to do anything for him. I just need to find a way to determine if he really, deep down loves me...and if he does I would think that most of these little items, caring, sharing emotions, etc., would/will come naturally? -Or maybe not???

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it would be nice if someone else could really get into the mind and heart of another and give you the answers you want and need. yes, maybe its because hes young. but, you have to ask yourself...when you are young and when you do experience the feelings of love, the euphoria, etc. its overwhelming, right? remember the first love, requited or not, that you experienced. i was inspires one to write poems of joy and pick flowers. but, maybe it can go the other way, too. maybe it can be scarry to experience that feeling of losing control of yourself. im not saying that this is where he is coming from. but, if its not, then you need to get out, and if it is, he needs to fix his issues. why do i say this? well, if hes not scared shitless and if thats not why he is distance, it means that you are probably an experiment of sorts to him. lots of people are in relationships with people they dont love or really care about on that level bc its comfortable or bc its an ego boost. imagine someone professing love to you regularly. it feels good. and maybe feeling good can over-ride all good. anyhow, im just offering possiblities. only you can determine whats true. maybe take a break...pull out a bit so you can see things from a new perspective. you may fiind the answers you are looking for from "impartial observation" of your own situation.

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I can relate to what you are going through. Having spent the past two public holidays alone whilst my "lover" spends time with his family, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that this is not a sustainable situation.

No matter what the reason behind it, you should be your partner's first priority. What's worse is when you bring the subject up over and over again but ultimately change never occurs. You have to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Magpie,

 

Your situation sounds so familiar to me that I just had to give you my 2 cents. Ok here goes. I too was dating this wonderful guy for 7 months then he broke it off. He said that we were in two different levels and that his feelings have changed. Now mind you he is a very caring, sensitive, intellingent guy but had issues with expressing his feelings and opening up with me. I was always open and honest with him about how I felt about him.

 

Near the end of the 7 months, he had mood swings, depression, the sex diminished to me just getting off and him watching. Pretty sad. After trying to get him to open up on several occations all I got was nothings wrong.

 

It could be that you are in two different levels right now. But you have to get him to talk to you about it. Short and sweet, if he doesn't then its time to move on and let him know that. He will either snap out of it when he realizes he's about to lose the best thing that ever came into his life or be a loser. Believe me they alway realize how good it was when you are gone. There are plenty of guys out there who are single and would go out of their way to have someone like you! Don't waste your time if he doesn't respond.

Good luck!

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Meg

 

I can very well relate to your problem as I am going through the same feelings. The only difference is that my friend is not gay like me but a straight guy, but we have both accepted each other, the way we are. In our platonic relationship, having sex is out. My friend is also extremely sensitive and emotional like me. For the last couple of months I have also been treating him like a king and my first priority in life, but ofcourse like in your case the response was not similar. I have learnt one thing during this episode, everyone has different ways of expressing their love for another person. You may be much more sensitive and emotional but he is more practical. You have to look for things that he does which shows that he cares. I am sure there are many such things. He is sure that you are always there for you but you are never sure about him, I can understand. Stop being so possessive and even though you care so much, stop expressing it for a while and you will see a difference in hi. Like in my case I used to call him up so often and then get upset when he would not call. I told him that, and you know what his reply was "Even before I can think of calling you up, I have received ten calls from you" Now I have stopped calling him, so when ever he calls I get the feeling that he is there for me and cares. I am telling you, stop expressing yourself and he will be back to you expressing himself. It is just that you do so much that there is no need for him to do anything. Once you stop doing it, he will do it himself.

Be happy and enjoy what you have.

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