bestfootforward Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 my ex has been very nice about speaking to me and stuff since she left me, answering all my phone calls and helping me understand that this thing wasn't my fault or down to any character flaws or anything... the only thing is asking all this stuff and her being nice and all has set me back to where i was a month ago (when it happened), thinking theres still something between us (i mean she's got a new bf ffs). Are lives are extremely intertwined (we lived together for 2 years and ALL our friends are shared friends) and there's no one to blame for the breakup (she lost heart in the relationship, which she realised because she fancied someone else for the 1st time in 2 years) so I'm gonna have to learn to deal with her existing as I can't avoid social events forever and I can't tell her not to come to them forever. So I've come up with this plan - I'm going to meet her tonight (she cancelled it last night to go to a party) and get her to tell me all the things she loves about her new life and new man until I believe she doesn't ever want me back, down to horrible details if needs be. This is going to mess me up but mybe its the only way. What does everyone else think? I'm a bit scared about doing it. In fact I'm terrified. Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 First, there must be something you were or were not doing. Was it something you did "wrong", not necessarily. But, if you really were paying attention to and meeting her emotional needs, she would be addicted to you. Second, I think you should just tell her this is something you need to deal with and you will. There is no need or reason to torture yourself. Link to comment
goodquestion Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I agree 100% with Beec ... but I'll go one step further, I will bet you a motherload of money that there is something you did "wrong". Women and men think TOTALLY different ... so, you as a man, think logically, so you did nothing wrong per say ... but let's look at it this way: 1. were you too mushy? 2. were you too clingy? 3. did you always spill your guts to her? 4. did you exude masculine traits (confidence, self-control, challenge)? 5. did you listen to her when she talked? If you are too "nice" to a woman, she will leave you (#1,#2,#3). This is counter-intuitive to all the romance jumbo you read, but I assure you, from my own experience, IT IS TRUE. Men ALWAYS SEEM to ignore their intuition (gut feelings), DON'T IGNORE IT. Woman almost ALWAYS follow their intuition. So what to do, you need to work on #4 and #5, _if_ you are lacking in that area, and avoid the traps of #1,#2,#3. Personally, I would cut all contact from her, well as much as possible, and show her you have moved on. See, right now, she KNOWS you are emotionally dependent on her, and she gets off on it. This may sound harsh to people reading this, but I am bottom lining the situation, and avoiding any political correctness. The more you come to her, the more she will push away. IN this situation, DON'T think with your heart, think with YOUR MIND, and back way off from her. Good luck. Link to comment
light bulb Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I don't think it's a good idea for you to torture yourself with that kind of information. To be honest, although I don't know this woman, I doubt she'll even tell you. I hope you decide against this. Link to comment
YNP8112 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I agree with goodquestion. Girls get off on the fact that they think they can have their old cake and new cake and eat them at the same time. My ex (who I live with) is always talking about her new bf. It also seems as if she's always dump loading her emotions onto me. I just basically ignore them. She's gonna have to realize I'm not her bf anymore...i'm maybe like 1/10th of a friend right now....she needs to go to her new bf and drive him crazy with her emotional problems Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 goodquestion is pretty close to the mark, although I would couch his terms of being too nice in terms of makign sure you were no pushover. Link to comment
goodquestion Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Yep, "being to nice" meaning "push over" ... l8r Link to comment
Superfly81 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Goodquestion is right on... the first person on these boards I encounter that thinks the way I do. There is something else you should realise. Women don't just break-up over something. You were douing something wrong consistently. When a girl breaks up with you for a good reason (in her head), she won't come back. She had a good reason since she has a new boyfriend. It is probably already too late, but you don't need to talk to her to know you won't get her back... you won't. Take a look at the couples that broke up and for one reason or another got back together? How long did they last?.... Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 It is probably already too late, but you don't need to talk to her to know you won't get her back... you won't. I would not phrase this as "you won't" in such absolute terms. A man who realized what he did wrong, and had a good set of skills and the right plan, would have a chance. But very few do. Too many have bene listening to the popular media and heard the comments about telling her how you feel way too much for them to realize the truth. It's not about how he feels that says whether he gets he or not. It is about how he makes her feel. She does not want to feel like her guy is wuss. Link to comment
Superfly81 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 That's it indeed. So many of us (I used to too) have a tendency to say everything they feel. But, what's in it for her? She wants to know how she feels for you, and that is not determined by your feelings for her. Let her find out... That's good for many reasons, for instance you'll know instantly she has feelings for you... Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I want to revise my earlier comments. You can be just too nice to a woman. If you are the one who is always doing thigns for her, and she does nothing in return, then you are chasing her. For example, you go out once and she agrees to a second date. The guy who shows up with gifts on the second date is way too nice. When you bring her flowers or other gifts, make sure feelings for you first. Otherwise, you are chasing her or you look like you are trying to buy her. Link to comment
goodquestion Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 yep ... so many "internal meanings" to the phrase "too nice" ... can drive men crazy, lol Link to comment
Jake212 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Are you all serious, too nice to a girl? Come on this isnt about him being to nice or mushy or whatever, or what he did wrong, because I bet if he asks her what he did wrong there is going to be a huge list. This is about her wanting something else for herself, they were together for two years and I sure these qualities just did'nt happen overnight. His "qualities" have always been with him. I dont know the details of the breakup were but bestfootforward dont do that to yourself, she is going to devistate you if you ask all this stuff. Dude, walk away, give it some time and collect your thoughts. Figure out what you learned from this relationship and you know what: IT WAS"NT ALL YOUR FAULT. She is one person with HER judgements, dont let those judgements define you. Some people like others who chase them, some dont. You have to deal with the individual. Link to comment
rich46 Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Well said. Some people on here are always quick to blame the person who was dumped. NOT GOOD. Sometimes it is the dumper who is to blame. Every break up cannot be attributed to the dumpee being "too nice." I know people who seem so smarmy and OTT nice, yet have been with their partner for over 30 years, and are really happy! I say don't change. You didn't do anything "wrong" (what is all that about anyway, saying he did something "wrong?"). What is wrong? What is right? The truth is, when you find 'the one,' then you won't have to worry about all this nonsense. Things will be so natural. You won't have to read books on the art of seduction to keep the relationship going! Link to comment
lunatic Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Know what I actually agree with Jake on this one. I was teetering on the fence till I read his post. He is so right about this whole situation. When your in a relationship it is a 50/50 thing and that includes the blame. Hubman 8) Link to comment
Carthiana Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 It is not called a partnership (whether you are married or not) for nothing. It is give and take, not all of one or none of one. There are causes and effects. Each can perputiate the other to continue happening. No one is ever NOT at fault. We are human, not gods. You can never be TOO nice, even if you swear on a bible about it. Being TOO nice as one might describe it can over time calm even the most wild beast. It is give and take, and one must give and get, not just give eternally w/o the return of that devotion. Link to comment
goodquestion Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 We were qualifying the term "too nice", no where did we state he was being too nice to her ... and in many places we told him to avoid her ... as stated, a relationship is 50/50 ... obviously he was meeting her needs initially, now she perceives him as "doing something wrong", i.e. the long list. The point that I was trying to make is, this whole situation happened over two years, and what I EMPHASIZED was that men NEVER seem to follow their intuition ... she was probably giving out signals for the longest time, then she gave up and left. BUT as you guys stated, she could BE TOTALLY WRONG FOR HIM! It is possible, we've all dated someone that wasn't right for us. So the bottom line is, her needs were met initially, then they weren't. How many TIMES have you heard a woman say "Oh, he's so NICE, but I'd never date him", though she can never quantify it. The proper way to be nice as a man is to show respect, romance, care, and strength. Again, like everyone else has stated, there is NO use in persuing her, because you'll just push her away more. Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Well said. Some people on here are always quick to blame the person who was dumped. NOT GOOD. Sometimes it is the dumper who is to blame. Every break up cannot be attributed to the dumpee being "too nice." I know people who seem so smarmy and OTT nice, yet have been with their partner for over 30 years, and are really happy! I say don't change. You didn't do anything "wrong" (what is all that about anyway, saying he did something "wrong?"). What is wrong? What is right? The truth is, when you find 'the one,' then you won't have to worry about all this nonsense. Things will be so natural. You won't have to read books on the art of seduction to keep the relationship going! Is anyone fully to blame in any breakup? Rarely. But he begins his post saying he did nothing wrong. She only knew when she wanted someone else. What he did wrong is not hold her interest. It can be done. Sometimes it is tough because of circumstances, like with Rich46, an LDR sometimes prevents you from doing what you need to do, from providing for her needs. Most of the time, we jsut stop lookign for them. We stop watching her to see how she feels, stop trying to make her feel special. Why? Sometimes because we start taking her for granted. Sometimes we stop showing her how she is appreciated. Others, we jsut give her what we think she wants in this and every instant, as if we were doing the easiest thing for us to do within the next ten minutes to twenty-four hours. The simple thing is that she would never for one second think about wanting any other man if he was truly meeting her needs. You can only meet those needs when you pay attention to how she acts and reacts. If she acts like a spoiled brat, then act something-like a firm father. See how she reacts. She may ask for things or appear to want them in an instant, but instant gratification is not always what she really wants. Sometimes, you can sit and wait for the perfect amtch to come along, as Rich46 says. But most of the time you have to work on it. You need to work in your relationships. If you want to work well, a little knowledge helps. Every woman is an individual, but most women have somethings in common. Learing what they want can only help you work inside a relationship. I cannot say that bestfootforward bears all blame, but there is something he did wrong if he wanted to keep her. Are his actions truly "blameworthy", I doubt it. But if he does not examine them to figure out why she lost interst, then he puts himself at risk for that happening again. Most women respond to certain things in certain ways. It pays to understand these things. Link to comment
bestfootforward Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 actually folks it turn out that she stopped fancying me as a lover, but still loves me so much that if she could flick a switch and get sexual attraction back for me she would come back. I kinda know what she means, though. If we got back together, there wouldn't be that sparkle you get from when you first start going out with someone. We lived together as equals for a very long time (for people our age) and had sex less and less often as the time went by (from 5 times a day to 5 times a month by the end of the 2 years), and that was something caused by both of us I think having explored that avenue so much that the mystery and excitement wasn't there. We were (and are/could be best friends in the whole world if it wasn't for the fact that being together will stop us moving on and would make new relationships harder) I totally believe her and don't hate her at all because theres no way to control what or who you fancy. And I think I'm pretty sure this means there's no way back, which is what I was after, and also I didn't hear anything that makes me suicidal. I suppose that was success... Link to comment
Beec Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 because theres no way to control what or who you fancy. I think this is what some of us disagree with. Our, or at least my, position is that if you really take care of their needs, man or woman, they WILL fancy you. Link to comment
bestfootforward Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 yeah maybe. I don't think either of us knew enough to see the warning signs at our age. Link to comment
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