Regretting the last things you said...

[NoDice]

So 2 weeks(NC) post BU I am having serious regret for things I said during the BU talk. I know it is somewhat normal to have the "if only" and "maybe if" questions arise. Seeing how this was the second time me and said girl have split, and even though I feel a bit more stable this time around, the things I said this time are haunting me. She said it wasn't me at all, I deserve so much better, that she has been awful to me, that she is not willing to work/change that, and that it is unbalanced and she wanted to be alone, despite promises and repeatedly saying that she will do anything to make this work. Compared to the first time where I told her how I felt about her and let her walk, this time I told her I was being emotionally/mentally abused and manipulated by her, that it could work if she even cared, and that I couldn't believe she was doing this to me again, I pleaded a few times, told her she owed me at least some consideration. She said she was sorry but didn't want it anymore and all I could say was I loved her and that "do you really want this to be the last conversation we have?" only to have her say "No, don't you ever talk to ex girlfriends from time to time?" I explained "Not when the repeatedly hurt me over and over", I could tell she was upset and said goodby and goodluck. But like 10 mins later texted "I was only the sweetest to you, you know that, guilt sucks"...Horrible idea..

 

I didn't really mean to rehash my story but I was wondering if anyone has felt similar or close to the same as I am feeling now, the first time she left she texted me a few times in the first week(that I never responded to) wondering how I was doing and that she still cared for me a lot and didn't know what she wanted. This time nothing, which is good for my healing I guess, but I don't know what to make of it, as stupid as it sounds I miss her terribly but am coming to realize that things said probably killed any chance at reconciliation or even respect for me in her. Is this normal? Why does it hurt more thinking about what I said and the slight chance I blew? Just feels like I am the only one doing the missing or caring.

[Benville]

Focus on your last sentence. "Feels like I'm the only one doing the caring". Then think about the sentence before, "thinking about the chance I blew". Put the two together and you have to ask yourself why saw a chance in a one sided situation.

 

If you have the time/boredom, click on my profile and read my threads, because you and I my friend have gone through exactly the same situation. The only difference is you were a little more direct than I was when you told her she'd hurt you over and over. When she said to me she wanted to be friends, I just said "not any time soon". Other than that it's almost identical, especially the whole "I treat you like **** and I'm not willing to change that" speel. I've also gone through two breakups, where she was texting me withing 48 hours the first time we separated.

 

This time she's staying away and I'm glad, because much like you seem to be feeling, I'm not sure I could turn her away if she came back.

 

Take her silence as a blessing, and focus on yourself and your own healing. Use the time to recognise what you've escaped (as it really is that), and that she was being honest when she said how awful she was treating you, and note her unwillingness to do anything about it.

[NoDice]

Ben, The first split happened nearly the same time you started your NC Diary on here. I read up how you were doing and it gave me strength and made me feel bot alone. I was more hurt by anything of the chance she seemingly offered again, and that is where I get stuck, the fact she still cared enough the first time and now I have no idea. It is a vicious cycle that plays out, my life right now is in dissary job/home/her and most of my friends are so busy with school and work that I just dwell on it. I beat myself up over the potential and for me putting her on that pedestal again, only to get the same result. As for you how are you doing? Thank you for your advice.

[Benville]

Well as you can see I'm back here after a month or two away, so not doing as well as I'd thought

 

If I can offer you perhaps a little insight into the "what if..." of your own situation. She and I have been apart coming up on 3 months now. I had a month of crazy fun (didn't meet anyone, didn't want to), then the last two months I've gone back into dating/meeting people, without success. Every single time something ends, I end up leaning back towards the ex. What's made it hard is in the last few weeks she's made tentative contact, and by stupidly not removing her from fb (I saw no point, since she mostly writes on Twitter and I can't block that) I know she's throwing out breadcrumbs and hints.

 

I have no idea if my ex got with anyone in the last few months, she might have done, but I can't hold a grudge because I know I have as well. I do know that I'm more tempted now 3 months and 3-4 women down the line to contact her than I have been at any point since the separation. As I wrote in my last diary post, I know it would be a catastrophic disaster, and potentially lifetime damaging to both our careers/education too.

 

I'll tell you what worked for me, and maybe it can work for you. I'll first mention what didn't work, and that's trying to get angry/bitter/negative over it, or trying to repress it. My friends would ***** about her and say all kinds of stuff, and I'd just leap to her defence. They'd tell me not to think about it, which would just make me think about it.

 

We've both been down the same road, of taking a second chance just for it to go wrong again. At this point in our lives, just recovering from attempt #2, do we really need to go in for a third round of masochism on the off-chance our ex's have decided to start behaving rationally? Hell no.

 

Sit down and think things through calmly. Recognise and accept what you had. List all the GOOD things, not the bad. Now, the hard part here is not to remember the good bits with remorse (because we won't have them again), but to remember them with a smile, and see it like walking away from a positive experience. Like watching your favourite film, or going on a rollercoaster. Just because when you get off the ride and it's over, you don't look back with sadness do you? Look back with fondness, and oddly it makes it easier (for me at least) to take a tiny step away from it.

 

Accept your own behaviour. If you think you made a mistake, same as I did when I lost my rag with her over nothing (which led to the breakup), then fine, you made a mistake. Punishing yourself will just make it worse. LEARN from that mistake, identify what you did, why you think it's wrong, and process it. If you need to cry, cry. If it makes you angry, get angry. But let it run its course, and run through it all. Hell, I even talked to myself in the mirror. I know in the long run I did nothing wrong, and I know when she said she treated me like **** she was bang on speaking the truth, because she did. I also know she didn't do that out of malice, but that she's just got issues and insecurities going on and genuinely doesn't realise how much she hurts people close to her.

 

Can you see a pattern in all this? It's about accepting, it's about being positive, it's about being constructive in a bad situation. One of my biggest influences was the book The Journey From Abandonment to Healing, get it, it's a life saver. Also, if you haven't read it, find dabbledave's thread on healing with gratitude in your heart. I see many threads on here about listing points to hate your ex for and so on, they're destructive threads. Read Dave's thread, then when you're ready, you need to make the hardest step - forgive her. I don't mean call her and say it, no no, but in your heart of hearts you have the power to understand her behaviour and forgive her. I've done this, and I've also accepted I still love her, but by understanding her and acknowledging her, I've been able to make the very firm decision to not go there again, as much as I want to.

 

 

That's one hell of a long rambling reply that's not entirely coherent, but I hope you can pick something out of it all.

[LaKings55]

I only regret not walking away sooner. I think it's been 7 months now, and about the same amount of time since we last spoke. I was too blinded by my own emotions at the time to see the truth about her and our relationship. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned (none of my past relationships had such emotions or circumstances) but as time has gone on, I really don't know what I was thinking. It might make the relationship sound absolutely terrible, but I feel like a free man. Don't get me wrong, we had great times, but I was beginning to change for the worse. Thankfully, I've been able to get back to my true self, albeit a more mature, less naive version. Let me put it this way. I didn't want to walk away, but I was forced to because of her actions. I thought I was coming apart, losing my sanity, and I had the typical "sky is falling" anxiety. Few months down the road, I look back and laugh. Not only have I been able to have a great time, I've been able to accomplish some things lately and take my life in directions that just wouldn't have been possible staying in that relationship.

[corgidude]

I had my regrets as to how I handled/reacted to certain things. But looking back on things now, I realize that even had I not said/done those things, it would have changed nothing in the long run. All I did was ultimatley accelerate the outcome, which frankly, was probably for the best. (though it sure as hell didn't feel that way at the time)

 

Don't play the "would'a, should'a, could'a" game with yourself. You'll find yourself in a circular thought pattern that will drive you up a wall... I know I sure did. Don't dwell on what could have been different. No matter what you could *have* done, there's no way to change it. Instead, focus on doing things for yourself. Ultimately, you'll move on, and what you could have done will become irrelevant. It's just hard to see things that way right now because the pain is so fresh. Stay strong, man... this too shall pass.

[Imprimatur]

Great thread guys,..great thread!

 

I always like when I pick up some new perspective.

 

Thanks.