Between "Like" and "In Love"...

[pietro5266]

is a nasty, ambiguous little place where you feel love for someone, but not enough to want to stay in an exclusive relationship with that person. And yet, enough love to where losing that person from your life is painful and heart-breaking. What is this middle place? What evil force created it?

 

Relationships and breakups are difficult enough without having to deal with this kind of a situation where no one benefits in any way. I just broke-up with a woman I've seen on and off for nearly a year, now. There just wasn't enough for me to continue in a long-term, exclusive relationship with her, but, at the same time, I care deeply for her, feel horrible about causing her such pain, and feel horrible myself because I know I will miss her. My divorce was easy compared to this -- while sad, we were both happy to be rid of each other. In my situation today, however, we both expressed how much we care for each other, but we both knew it needed to end because our feelings were not in the same place.

 

It almost feels like love wasted, because it will never get realized, and because, now that we've broken-up, there's a good chance we'll never see each other again. Why must we cause or endure such unnecessary misery? What is this middle area, really? Why does it exist? What does one do with it?

 

All I know, right now, is that, even though I feel it was the right decision, I'm miserable and sad, she's miserable and sad, and that something important has been lost.

[The_Seeker]

Because people only stay for the good and never the worst.

 

This is why it scares me sometimes to commit to someone knowing I would run into this situation. It could be you might have feelings for your wife and that issue hasn't been resolved.

[pietro5266]

Nah, no real feelings for the ex, except that she and I also fall into this situation -- we both love each other, at some level, but know we're not compatible to be "married". 3 years post-divorce, we're finally starting to become good friends again.

 

As far as the woman I just broke-up with, it's very complex. It wasn't about the "good and bad" -- that doesn't bother me at all, and we'd been through much of both with each other. It's more about life-style. That may sound very superficial, but it's actually very important. I have kids, she doesn't; I'm very family focused, she's focused on her own life the way most single people are. I've been living a dual life-style -- family guy one week when I have my kids, and single guy the next when I don't. I can't keep living that dual life, and I don't feel that this woman will be ready to handle two young, very active children.

 

Thus, it was a decision made out of practicalities, less about feelings. And that's where the problem lies. It wasn't that I didn't "love" her, but that I didn't feel that she would fit, long-term, in my family life. We were 75% compatible, but not enough to make a long-term committed relationship really work.

 

Something you've figured-out at 23 (in your signature ), that's taken me 22 years longer, is to avoid expectations, to allow feelings to develop instead of forcing a relationship to happen. Guess it takes some of us a little longer to grow-up.

[wartorn]

Something you've figured-out at 23 (in your signature ), that's taken me 22 years longer, is to avoid expectations, to allow feelings to develop instead of forcing a relationship to happen. Guess it takes some of us a little longer to grow-up.

 

That's a really tough problem.

 

I was in a situation where I knew someone for years as a friend, but had feelings for her, and then we came together a month before a relocation to another country on my part... my feelings were through the roof but she kept using the line, 'It takes time for feelings to develop.' Fine, I kept saying. To make a long story short, over the several months after that time, in a LDR, my telling myself 'it takes time for her feelings to develop' reminded me of the fact that she didn't love me like I loved her. So I went from confidence and security in the relationship, to wondering and worrying, asking myself why she's going out til late at such-and-such place, or dresses in such-and-such a way. In the end the entire thing blew up, and I got hurt, because her feelings were never going to develop.

 

It's an awful feeling when you really like someone, and you're waiting for their feelings to develop, but in fact you should have ditched them and found someone who doesn't have to go and develop feelings like film is developed in a back room.

 

My, perhaps controversial, conclusion at this point is that, when someone says, 'It takes time for feelings to develop,' what they're REALLY saying is, "Look, I don't love you, and probably never will love you beyond the way a friend loves a friend, but hey, hang in there, okay!!" That was definitely my experience.

 

I think it's a personality thing. In my case, I either have strong feelings for someone relatively early on, or I don't. I'm having trouble understanding the "develop" types.

[The_Seeker]

Oh, Pietro! She's very independent is what you are saying and you feel like you are just her convenient.

 

I understand where you are coming from now. Yes, you do need a woman who likes to spend time with your family and is open to the idea. I would have a problem with that if I were a guy. But did you tell her that you need someone who likes to do family stuff instead of just walking away because she didn't fit the description. Ha ha, I don't think relationship is based on compatibility. It's more on based who you trust and being vulnerable around.

 

Ha ha I learned that when I was 22. Had 2 bad relationships in college.

 

So far, I've been dating, and men are pulling the disappearing act. LOL Which I don't mind, at least I paid the first date. Also, at least I got someone to hold hands and cuddling with.

[The_Seeker]

It does take feelings to develop. However, it depends on the person you're attracted to willing to let their feelings grow.

 

Your girl sounds quite selfish and didn't care about you. She probably is following some stupid rule that long distance doesn't work.

 

Knowing me, if a guy is showing that he cares EVEN at a long distance, I would such a lucky girl.

 

Also, she might be into casual hook-ups. Scary people.

[pietro5266]

My, perhaps controversial, conclusion at this point is that, when someone says, 'It takes time for feelings to develop,' what they're REALLY saying is, "Look, I don't love you, and probably never will love you beyond the way a friend loves a friend, but hey, hang in there, okay!!" That was definitely my experience.

 

@wartorn, I don't know that it's always bad when someone says they need their feelings to develop, but what you said is very interesting and wise, and I certainly think that there's some truth to this.

 

I don't think relationship is based on compatibility. It's more on based who you trust and being vulnerable around.

 

@The_Seeker, I think trust and comfort are very important. This is something I had with the woman I mentioned. But we just have different goals in life. If I didn't already have kids, it may not have been as big a deal, as you tend to grow with someone and can become compatible. But I think I'm in a place, regarding my life-style, that she's not ready to be yet, from my conversations with her. Thus, it's not fair to expect her to be in that place. I don't know -- this has not been an easy situation for me. I would prefer things to be more black-and-white (I love you, I don't love you), but that's not how life works, is it?

 

By the way, as a guy, my advice is NEVER pay for the first date -- make the guy pay, and make sure he's a gentleman. Otherwise, make sure there's no second date. No guy worthy of you would make you pay for a first date. Even if he says he's "broke", it's his responsibility to be creative and put some work into figuring-out how to create a nice date that doesn't involve much money. And, at 23, you'll eventually find plenty of guys who will NOT want to do a disappearing act; it just takes a while to get past the "frogs".

[The_Seeker]

Love is all about sacrifice and adjusting. LOL I view things black and white as well. Yay i don't feel like a minority anymore.

 

Ha ha, I offered. It was just a test to see if he says who he is for me that is since he is a wise 32 turning 33. LOL He keeps on saying he's a "gentleman" and "looking for a relationship that the partner is not taken for granted." So I was like thinking to myself "Gentleman, ey? We'll see how gentleman you are and if you pull a disappearing act." Ha ha, a second date. I don't know. LOL So many guys are following the rules of the "The Game" and "The System." I'll just play along for now, but I won't stay too long though. Besides I was just being in good company and I figured he got out of a long-term relationship [probably 3 years my guess]. So I'll just be a smart rebound and date other men.

 

;] Ha ha, Pietro, I don't know about finding plenty of guys even though I'm exploring other cities/restaurants/sports. Guys are intimidated by me because I have "intense" eyes. Some find them scary/sexy to look at. LOL Oh well. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind. Ew, to the frogs. LOL More like I need get past a couple of Shreks.

 

Ha ha, have a good day, Pietro! Time to play some tennis!

[wartorn]

I took this question to a new thread: