Akela Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I generally think it's a bad idea to go back with exes again. I feel that they usually degrade back to the problems y'all were having in the first place. However... Ok, Background of relationship: Dated a super-nice guy for about six months. The final time we broke up I am the one who ended it so he could "go find himself" so to speak. His divorce was just getting final and he had never really had freedom or independence and he really needed to try being alone or to see what it was like to date different people. We also have time issues because he has active teenage kids and 3 jobs/obligations. I love him and think about him. He feels the same. Now, that being said, Im pretty sure we are going to get back together soon. I would LOVE some mature advice on things to discuss or ask before we start dating again. Suggestions for ways to resolve problems before they begin. This is a guy who has all the qualities that Ive been searching for my whole life. (Im 34 and never been married). I really want it to work and have no doubts that he will be willing to commit and work on things with me. Anyway, any advice/suggestions would be appreciated. (Or if there was something I didnt answer. I didnt want it to get any longer) Akela Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 When my boyfriend and I got back together after a 6.5 month breakup that he initiated (he's the one who asked if we could try again, also), we talked for something like 7 hours about everything that had gone wrong between us, and asked every question we could think of. At the end of it all, we agreed to leave the past in the past, and start fresh. That was almost 7 months ago, and we're still going strong, much better than before. That's my advice. Link to comment
carter12 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 You say too well .... Link to comment
vanillacupcake Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I wish you all the luck in the world. I am a strong believer that the universe brings people together for a reason. The first step of resolving your problems is realizing there are problems there, then identifying what to do about them. I am sure if you said the same exact thing you've said on this board, you two will be able to work through it. Just keep communication open. Try to go slow and see how things are. Don't jump into things -- test the waters and see if he's truly where he needs to be before making the jump. Link to comment
Akela Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 Thanks... I was half expecting to get replies of "dont go back to an ex". He and I are definitely the type to talk about it endlessly (probably too much). And we're both overly emotional so we will most likely cry and cry throughout it. You guys give me hope. Vanilla, your last advice is going to be the hardest to take. Going slow is not easy for us. We hit it off immediately and we're alike in so many ways that we definitely rushed into things the first time. Im afraid since we have history that if we "start fresh" as Oneironaut did we are going to end up moving too fast again. Though I will have to say in most ways he is a cautious person and when we first started talking about getting back together a couple of weeks ago he told me that he wasnt coming back to me "... until he was absolutely sure that he was completely committed to our relationship 100%" because he didnt want to continue the getting together/breaking up cycle. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 That was the comment that hit me in your original post ---"the final time we broke up". If you have a history of getting back together without resolving the issues that leads to the break up, then you are just going for another round. And if you are both aware of going too fast --- well, that awareness going in should allow you to put the brakes on. Kudo's to your ex for knowing that there is no point in trying again if he isn't 100% committed. You really need to examine the causes for your multiple break ups before you can move forward. Link to comment
vanillacupcake Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Vanilla, your last advice is going to be the hardest to take. Going slow is not easy for us. We hit it off immediately and we're alike in so many ways that we definitely rushed into things the first time. Im afraid since we have history that if we "start fresh" as Oneironaut did we are going to end up moving too fast again. TRUST ME... my ex and I had our downfall because of moving too fast. We met, clicked, and dove head-first into a relationship. Things got too messy too quickly. Think of it as an art project... Wouldn't you want to work on it before calling it a masterpiece? You really wouldn't want to slop something together, right? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 IMO, no one is in a position to be starting a new relationship while they're going through a divorce. I know that this wasn't your question, but this may very well be the root of the problem. Link to comment
feenyx Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 IMO, no one is in a position to be starting a new relationship while they're going through a divorce. I know that this wasn't your question, but this may very well be the root of the problem. Depends on the nature of the divorce. If they owned a house and have children together, I could see how that wouldn't have helped. But if it was a starter husband or wife, renting out an apartment, I could see how that wouldn't take too long to get over that. There are plenty of people who were separated from their soon-to-be ex-husbands and wives when they started new relationships. I know someone who was over their SO for 8 years and got over her in two weeks. It can happen. Link to comment
Akela Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 TRUST ME... my ex and I had our downfall because of moving too fast. We met, clicked, and dove head-first into a relationship. Things got too messy too quickly. Think of it as an art project... Wouldn't you want to work on it before calling it a masterpiece? You really wouldn't want to slop something together, right? That's a new one... I like the analogy. I may have to use that in the future. I like the thought of working at it to make it even more perfect and working around mistakes would apply here as well. Link to comment
Akela Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 IMO, no one is in a position to be starting a new relationship while they're going through a divorce. I know that this wasn't your question, but this may very well be the root of the problem. I totally understand your viewpoint but it takes a freaking year to get a divorce here. It's absolutely ridiculous. He is definitely over "her" but you may be right in that he wasn't fully over the "relationship". I think he definitely thought he was over it all but sometimes things have a way of coming out over time. Even when a person has treated you horribly it's still hard not to miss someone that you've woken up next to for over a decade. I wont say that the divorce has nothing to do with it but it is definitely only one of a few factors and since it is the one that I can do absolutely nothing about..... Ill stick with working on the things that I can. Link to comment
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