can we ever forget? i.e. Eternal Sunshine

[futuredentist]

I'm glad to know from reading these posts-that I'm not the only one that has suffered for months after a devestating breakup. Though I was only with my ex for 3 months, I loved her immensely. I think it's the intensity of feeling you have for your ex more than the length of time together that determines how hurt you are after a breakup.

 

I know it would be much easier to heal-if somehow I could just wipe all memories of the ex out of my mind-like the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I thew out all of the cards and pictures and other momentos a long time ago, but still, even many months later, I still think about her. The biggest problem is that she is also a classical musician and I play in an orchestra-and I'm so invovled in music that I can't stop thinking of her with all of the performing that I do. I can't get myself to give up music though-I love music too much and she's not worth giving up music for. The flute player in my orchestra is a very good friend of hers, so just seeing this other flute player reminds me of her.

 

I had hoped to make peace with her someday-she did at least send me a short and nice e-mail a couple months ago after I wrote to her. I couldn't do the NC thing until a month ago though-since she still had some of my things I lent her that I wanted back, and I had to keep asking for it until she finally sent it back. I know she's very forgetful so she wasn't keeping it on purpose. I asked her to keep me in her prayers after I finally got my stuff back. I guess NC is the only thing that may heal me-I'll never be able to forget, but NC is the closest thing to forgetting. Maybe someday we'll make peace and even be friends, but I need to forget as much as I can right now. Sometimes I think that everything that happened-both the good and bad, is part of who I am, and I need to use it to grow since I can't wipe it out of my brain cells.

 

After my last 3 breakups, I never really took any time away from dating-I just put all my energy into finding another gf to take away the pain and fill the void in me, and I found that after each breakup, I'm at the same place I was before, and I still feel all the pain from each breakup-it's like I'm trying to run into another relationship to run away from the pain-I've also had several one night stands to try to feel better-but I always end up feeling worse in the morning when I wake up. The last breakup was the worst because I loved her more than anyone else I ever met.

 

I think I need to be by myself for a while-until I figure out how to be happy by myself and not need someone to fill a void in me-I hope I can do this. I do have friends I hang out with, and I do enjoy doing things like music-I just wish music didn't remind me of the ex.

[kungfumaster]

I think I need to be by myself for a while-until I figure out how to be happy by myself and not need someone to fill a void in me

 

 

Bingo! I couldn't have said it better. That is the key.

 

Too many times, I have found that I give my love away. Instead, I shall learn to love myself first, and then once I have done that, I hope the warm glow from the love I have for myself, will warm up the people around me.

 

Good luck futuredentist and

Take care.

Kung fu

[fantasia2004]

Something we should all learn to do

[futuredentist]

Of course, this is easier said than done-I know what has to be done, but it's just so hard to do so-there is just this void inside me that I need to fill.

 

I've concluded that there are only 3 things that can heal me:

 

1)Erase all memories of the ex from my brain i.e. Eternal Sunshine-but there's no way to do that.

 

2)The ex comes back to me-that won't happen.

 

3)Do what I said-learn to be happy by myself and not need someone to fill a void inside me-I just don't know how to do that yet.

[Pebek]

Futuredentist - I feel for you. I have the same problem here. My gf of 4 1/2 years left me in March and I also wish I could just erase all the memories, both the good and the bad. But as we know it's not possible. So what can you do? NC helps a lot bc it distances you from your ex and the memories. Trying to get busy doing all kinds of things you never had time for before is also a good way of staying sane. I know it's easier said than done but there's not much else you can do. Time is a great healer, they say, but you have to be really patient. I'm impatient so it still hurts me a lot.

All I can say is stay busy, try to push any thoughts of your ex away, and by all means learn to believe that the pain will one day go away and you'll survive. I wish I myself could live by the advice I'm giving.

 

Stay tough,

 

Pete

[futuredentist]

This site just seems to be one big group therapy room. It's good to know that I'm not the only one suffering and it's good to have other people to talk to going through the same thing.

 

I think that love is just so awesome, that it cannot be achieved without some trauma-once you give a part of your heart to someone, once you love someone, that part of your heart is forever gone. Many of us have had sex with our exes-and once you have sex with someone-sex is the ultimate act of self-giving to someone-and once you have sex with someone-they are always a part of you and a part of your heart is always with them, and you can never forget them no matter what and no matter how much time passes. Yes, time can make us feel better, but I think there is a small like 10-20% of the original hurt that never goes away. The heart is just a big mass of scar tissue, it seems.

[auburnslp]

Hi...

 

I agree with you regarding the sex issue...she will always be a part of you, and you hers...it is an unbreakable union...if given through love, through the heart. I know what you mean there...

 

Now, regarding the fact that part of the heart is gone forever...

 

I don't agree with that. The women in our past, the ones we held dear, will always hold a special memory. One that will never leave. But, this is the truth I have learned to be true...the cure, the solution, to looking back with sadness over what is gone...and that is this, simply...we must not give ourselves away until we find better...and there is better out there my friend, and the proof of the pudding is this-if those last relationships were the best, then we would still be with them. One day we will meet a girl that thrills us the same or more than the besst we have ever had, and also....she will never leave us. She would do anything to be with us forever. It will happen.

 

I dated a girl about 7 years ago after my divorce, Katrina, who was wonderful. Worshipped me. Wanted to marry me. And I wasn't ready. And I eventually let her go after the marriage ultimatum came crashing in. I loevd her very much, and for 4 years could not get over her...no one I saw thrilled me that way, in any way. Saw her for almost two years. Anyway, 4 years later I would still cry on occasion over losing her. Was involved with one girl, had a dream where I had to choose between her and Katrina, and in my dream I chose Katrina. And two weeks later I let that girl go. Because I never thought I would get over her. I really didn't. But,...

 

I meet Jill. Thrilled me more than any other ever, beat Katrina hands down, in every way. And finally I was able to let go of the loss. Totally, completely, instantaneously. It was just absolutely amazing. Anyway, three year relationship with Jill, she left me to reconcile with her ex husband, and it was devastating. That is why I am on this site...

 

And here is the point to my long story...no matter how badly it hurts, I won't make the same mistake and give up hope the way I did after Katrina. Every time my heart tries to tell my head that I will never find another and/or love another as I did Jill, I beat those thoughts down...because I know it can, and eventually will, happen.

 

Time, patience heals...lots of other stuff too will heal in the short term, and you have your music and friends-that is great. But try to convince yourself of what I know to be true...and that is that if we are patient and refuse to settle, we will not have to walk through the rest of our lives missing anybody, because better will find us...

 

And Katrina now? In my heart, a fond, rather than sad memory. Jill is the sad memory now. But one day, when the right girl comes around, the memory of Jill will be a fond one as well.

 

I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes to find the girl that makes Jill a fond memory. To settle for less will be dooming not just me, but the girl I settle for, to unhappiness at the heart level.

 

Good luck my friend...be strong, patient, and never settle...Michael

[Vert]

I know exactly what you mean about the sex thing. Once you join your bodies in that manner, you become one with each other. I was hoping that I would only have to share that with one girl, and it appears now that might not be the case.

[futuredentist]

Be patient and never settle-sounds good-but what if nobody better than your last ex comes around-and you have to settle or else be alone forever? I know that after my last 2 relationships which have been wonderful, I just find myself much less likely to settle. I do agree that I will never totally heal from my last ex unless I can find someone just as wonderful if not better. It's hard to imagine I would find someone else who is such a good match-we had so much in common-can anyone else exist who is beautiful, a Yankees fan, a classical musician, great sense of humor, practicing Catholic, plays video games, reads sci-fi and fantasy novels, even likes the same cartoons I like. But hey, I never thought before I met her that I would have ever met someone so wonderful, so maybe I'll meet someone else at another time. But I can't really expect another match so perfect, so I think I'm going to end up having to settle or else be myself forever. Yes, I do agree that meeting someone else, can help erase the pain from previous breakups and allow us to have fond memories of our lost loves, not painful ones.

 

Also to expand on what I said about sex-even if you don't do the "final act" i.e. intercourse with someone-even if you've "only" kissed passionately and engaged in heavy petting/mutual masturbation/etc-that still, I think creates an unbreakable union as auburnslp described it as. These other things are also a form of joining your bodies together, though maybe not quite as much.

[auburnslp]

yes they are. Intercourse is not the deciding factor. If you experiece a loving bond, in any sexual realm, it is very personal, and a bond.

 

Now...

 

Brother, you are where so many of us were, and are...and it is ok. The doubts plague you, torment your mind, whether you will find anyone to match or better your ex. Life offers no garauntees...but I can and will say this-if you are open to it, patient, chances are it will happen. Now, will you find again what you described? No. I didn't find Katrina again. I found better. Jill was in no way like Katrina, but I loved her more. And I can do the same as you have...I can ask...will I ever find a girl again with long curly brown hair, with a zest for life and adventure, willing to take off on a whim, willing to sit in and share a laugh and a movie, the best mom I have ever seen, a powerhouse in bed, an untiring and focused woman at her career, a chemical match, where her very smell would drive me to my knees? The sight of her smile and sound of her laugh would make my day complete and happy? I can say all those things my friend. And here's the answer. I will never find another Jill. Just as I never found another Katrina. But I will find another, and I will not settle, because honestly? I would rather be alone than to settle and miss Jill for the rest of my life. Being with someone and missing another is a miserable way to go through life. I have been there and done that. I would rather go on alone, with patience and hope, than to settle for someone that does not offer me what I need. And want. Someone whom I can return all those wonderful things to.

 

So brother, all I was trying to say is that I have lived all this before...and now unfortunately am forced to again. But this time I am armed with the knowledge that it can be done...that I very well may find another who will make me forget Jill, and the loss. I hope that for me, and I hope that for you.

 

I have seen many people settle. And it is not pleasant. I won't do it. If that is your walk in life, then I will wish you the best. You are young. You have so much time. And so much to offer. "Patience is a virtue". In matters of the heart, maybe no truer words have ever been spoken...

 

My best...Michael

[Chandler]

auburnslp, Thanks for sharing your story. It certainly gives us hope.

[futuredentist]

auburnslp-thanks again for the note. Yes, i'll never find another woman exactly like any of my exes-every person we meet on this planet is unique.

 

I would rather be alone than to settle and miss Jill for the rest of my life. Being with someone and missing another is a miserable way to go through life. I have been there and done that. I would rather go on alone, with patience and hope, than to settle for someone that does not offer me what I need. And want. Someone whom I can return all those wonderful things to.

 

 

I guess if I "settled" for someone, you're right, i would end up just missing my ex being with someone I didn't like as much. I hope that somebody ends up loving me again-someone who I can love as well as much as what I had before-though it will be in a different way since everyone is unique. I just don't want to make the mistake of being too picky though since if I'm too picky, I'll stay single forever.

 

In my loneliness, I've had a couple nights of casual sex. I mean, it does feel good, but it's not making love, it's just sex. There isn't the loving bond that there was with my ex. I guess I should not be surprised that it just is not meaningful or satisfying like love-making in a loving, committed relationship. I was expecting it to make me feel better, but it really doesn't.

[auburnslp]

Oh Lord...sorry-seems like I am full of stories/reponses tonight...

 

Listen...again, been there. Two weeks after Jill dropped the bomb on me out of nowhere, and this was 4 months ago, I took a girl to my best friend's wedding. Jill was supposed to be the one there with me. But her plans changed, obvioulsy. So I asked a girl who was interested in me. Thought I could ease the pain. Anyway, took her down to the dinner party the night before the wedding. Had a great time with her there. She is very attractive, fun. Back at the hotel, we make love...or as you put it, had sex...because for me, that was all it was. I was hoping for more at that moment in my pain,...I was hoping for a connection, hoping to forget Jill. I lay awake next to her almost the entire night, miserable. We went to breakfast, and it was the worst thing I could even begin to describe to you...I felt guilty and awful. My heart was still with Jill. I leveled with her, told her the truth...but she already knew. She cried. I felt like crap. Very simple terms my friend...what you have described and been through, and me as well during the early stages of that grief..."rebound". Unfulfilling. It happens, and it is normal.

 

Now, everything I write, you have a response to. I am not trying to convince you that you should feel one way or another. I am just giving you my experience. Personally, I feel it mirrors yours to an extent, and that is why I was hoping that you would garner some strength and hope from my experiences.

 

Just know this...if you are at the point where relations with girls are unsatisfying, unfulfilling...then do yourself a favor and also the prospective girls a favor by taking some time to be by yourself and reflect. I did this. Funny, but the only time in my life I have turned down an open offer of sex has been in the past 4 months...blatant offer I mean. It's been over three months since I have made love to a woman...and honestly? It's killing me. And that girl from the wedding? She called me on Friday. But...she's not the one, and because she likes me a lot, I am not going to lead her on. All I am trying to say is that hooking up with a girl at this point is not a good idea...not my style either, I tend to reserve sex for women I care about...I know, laugh all you want, I know that's weird-but hooking up while in pain over another is the worst...I have been there and so have you...

 

I know how you feel right now. Even though you think there is no possible way I can know that, I do. I was there just 4 months ago. Life seems hopeless. No joy. Even in things that have always brought joy. Getting through the day without that sick feeling, light-headed feeling of despair creeping in when we think of the girl, our love, the love of our life. A pressing hurt in the chest...an occasional shortness of breath...a definite heart palpitation when we consider life without that love...I have been there my friend.

 

I can convince you of nothing my friend. All I can tell you is that I have been there, and this is what I have learned. And I have told you these things.

 

And damnit, I will say one more thing, whether you want to dismiss it or not. You are facing the worst, but it does and will get better...I promise you that. And also...I know it means little, but you have my thoughts and hopes and prayers, because that pain that you are facing is still so fresh in memory...and if I could take it from you I would.

 

Good luck brother...be strong, be well...Michael

[Mun]

Be strong because you will make it through the pain. Don't let what has happened scare you from becoming close to a woman again.

 

You don't have to settle. I don't see why that should ever be an option.

 

I know you guys don't see this right now, but you all are somebodys Dream Guy--and she is out there somewhere.

[Vert]

Thanks muneca. You're awesome

 

Your last sentence there made my week.

[Clarabelle]

Future Dentist, I'm also a musician, and when I asked my husband to leave, my music became an incredible source of support. Being able to create beauty thru my instrument has helped tremendously, and my practicing has really benefited!

[Vert]

I agree Clara. When my ex-gf told me she "didnt see a future with me" I went home and played my guitar for a few hours. It was the one thing that I could proactively do that would lift my spirits.

[futuredentist]

Clara have always loved music-making-it's always made me feel better. The problem is, though, that my ex is a professional musician-that was one of the things that drew us together-so naturally, hearing or playing music can remind me of her. She is a flutist, and in any classical music, flutes are very prominent.

 

auburnslp it's good to hear what you went through, and I guess if you can find someone else who you can love as much, maybe I can too. Yes, every human is unique and I'll never find someone exactly like my ex, but I guess that doesn't mean I'll never find someone who will love me. I know that it has slowly gotten better-it's just been so long-almost 6 months since I lost her. It's not as bad as it was at first, but there is still this remaining 10-20% of the pain that does not want to leave. I think that if/when I am loved by someone else, I'll be fine-just like how you got better.

 

I went more than 3 months without making love to a woman-actually 5 months between the last time I made love to my ex and the time I hooked up with someone casually-I just felt like I needed that so much-I was getting tired of just pleasuring myself. But yeah, casual sex is nowhere near as satisfying as lovemaking in a committed relationship. I made a comment that it doesn't matter whether you have intercourse. My ex and I actually never had intercourse, but we did pretty much everything else and that created a bond. I had intercourse with my last lover, and it was far less satisfying than my ex and I just getting each other off with our hands.