Ex went straight to another guy - does he have no pride?

[herewegoagain]

My ex gf dumped me because she started seeing some other guy before we were even broke up.

 

Anyway, the guy was fully aware of me and my ex's situation, and I'm sure she was telling him many reasons why she needs to break up with me, and I'm sure he put his own two cents in.

 

My question is, what kind of guy would want to go out with a woman who did this? Is it just for sex? Fun?

 

They are already getting serious(she spent the weekend with him only a few days after we broke up) and I'm thinking - "What's he thinking?" "He actually doesn't care that she's the type of person to do this kind of thing - to jump to him while she was still with me?"

 

Any thoughts?

[anon728]

herewegoagain, not an answer to your question, but a question for you. Are you actively trying to get her back? I am in the exact same situation, and I am not doing anything to get her back (NC for 7 weeks, although I do respond to her emails). Just am curious as to how others are handling this situation.

 

My feeling is let her experience this other guy 100%, instead of both of us. If she stays with him, then oh well, but at least I am not waiting around for her answer.

[if only]

Well my situation isn't the same but I met this guy who I thought I really liked, then I found out he had a GF. He made it clear to me it is isn't working but he doesn't know what to do.

 

I have backed off as I don't want to be the 'other woman' but I still speak to him now and then (we were friends before although I hadn't seen him for a few years)

 

A friend said the same thing to me, why would I want to be with someone when he does this in the first place to his current GF?

 

Simple answer is, you cant help the way you feel, like you cant just stop loving your GF for doing that to you. You always feel that it would be different if they were with you.

 

I have made the choice not to stir things up in my favour, but I know others would and im sorry you have had to go through the pain you are feeling now.

[accord_lowrida]

same happened to me bro. the real question is what does he know about you.. i duno about ur ex but im prety sure mine lied to everyone and him about who and what i am. she prolly keep tellin him i didnt treat her right or w.e. think about it.

[herewegoagain]

Anon - I wish she would come back to me (which is probably stupid on my part) but I have had basically no contact with her for 4-5 weeks. The only contact I've had was emails to make arrangements for her to get her things out of my house.

 

To answer your question, I haven't pursued her at all. I even saw them out together a couple of times, but I didn't say anything to her or him.

 

I am still thinking on writing a letter to her to get some things of my chest - nothing mean, just some honest thoughts. But I am not sure if it is such a good idea.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent - Like you said - just leave them have their time together, and see what happens. The only problem with my ex is - I think that she thinks that I would never take her back because of the way she went to this other guy. So I want to let her know somehow that I would (which again, is probably dumb on my part).

 

I just want the option someday- if she ever comes back, then I can decide on things, and make a decision. So I hope that I will have that option someday, but I doubt it. But who knows.

[anon728]

I know your question is about him...but what about her? I mean, once the honeymoon is over, if a good foundation has not been built, then it could fail. However, if she has truly turned her feelings off for you, then would you want to be with someone that can do that? Or, if she is just confused, and your relationship had been rough in recent months, then do you want someone that bows out as soon as the going gets rough?

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that it really says a lot about a person when they do something like this.

[evepm]

Dear herewegoagain:

 

You should ask yourself why you would even care about her or him? They both sound like they deserve on another.

 

Obviously neither one of them has any morals. If this guy is so willing to get with a girl knowing full well that she has a b/f, then what makes you think that he would even care about the kind of person she is?

 

Like I said they sound like birds of a feather. Take care of you and forget about those two.

 

Eve

[anon728]

evepm sparked a thought in my head, and a possible answer to herewegoagain's question. The type of guy that does this is selfish, and while he may be saying/doing all of the right things now, eventually, his true colors will show. Now, that is not to say that she won't stay with him...she might, as others on the board have stated that they have had long term relationships with their reboundee, however, if that is the type of guy that she is looking for, and you are not that type of guy, then you are better off without her/them.

[herewegoagain]

evepm and anon -

 

you both made good points. You both are right that I shouldn't give a crap about them, but it is hard.

 

 

Anon - you're right - once the honeymoon phase is over, then his/her true colors will show.

 

Will she come back to me? I don't know, but I sure would like the option. Maybe I'll be strong enough to tell her to hit the road. We'll see.

[dotneter]

You're in a sticky situation, herewegoagain. I was in a similar situation a long time ago, although my "girlfriend" and I weren't quite "together" (it was high school, go figure) and the other guy was her best friend's boyfriend (they had an actual title). It was the hardest thing to deal with because before the actual bomb dropped he used to show up everywhere we were, and I couldn't really object because he was her bestfriend's boyfriend--they're supposed to be *safe*. And when it actually happened I felt like the biggest fool ever.

 

In any case, I wish there were an easier way to do it but there really isn't. The point anon made is absolutely right, no foundation = no future.

 

"Relationships" made like that almost never last. Until something like that happens (and it will), take solace in knowing this: I got an email from her a couple of years later saying how sorry she was for what she did to me and how it all came back to her (because their relationship was always rocky and finally ended in the guy doing the same thing to her)...

 

There is some justice in the universe afterall!

 

...just make sure you're not the *best friend* she comes and cries on the shoulder of, because there is an excellent chance that that could lead to the whole thing happenning again.

 

Good luck!

[anon728]

herewegoagain, it is hard, and that's why I'm on this board. If I were over it, I wouldn't be here. However, I am actively working to move on. If I see her or she emails me, then yes, I'll be cordial and aloof, but I won't contact her for a while. I figure, she gave it up so it is her job to put in the effort to get it back, and if she is not willing to do that, then I don't want her anyway because she would only run later down the road.

 

My advice would be to just let her be, realize that she probably knows she could get you back, and workout...there is nothing like running into an ex that looks great.

[herewegoagain]

Anon - at least she keeps in contact with you by email. Mine is so wrapped up in her new guy, that I think she doesn't give a crap about me anymore. I wonder if she even thinks about me anymore.

 

And speaking with her friends, last week, they told me that she has been acting weird lately. So i think she has kind of gone crazy.

[DavidBB78]

Hey Herewegoagain,

 

First of all let me see that if you ever felt there was something wrong with you or that this other guy is better than you - DON'T! Why? Because I truly believe that when something like this happens (especially if the relationship is good and solid) it's because there are some issues your ex hasn't dealt with, which probably have very little to do with this guy. He may just be a way (she believes) of understanding them or one of the stepping stones to relaising what she really wants. I may be wrong, but it sounds like that is the case. I've been through a similar situation myself. I am, like many others in this forum, going through a similar situation.

 

About wanting her back - there's absolutely nothing silly or crazy about that. You fell in love with this person, you shared intimacy, life changing moments and probably the happiest times of your life. Loving means also forgiving - but mark my words NOT FORGETTING. You have to grow without her now and wisen up to the situation, because if she ever did start making moves to come back, you have to be 110% certain she won't do it to you again. Leave yourself a lot of time and if you do strike it up again, take it easy grow acquainted to each other again and learn to trust each again, but most of all communicate always, tirelessly and never forget to be always HONEST. Good luck bro, just let her know what she's done is out of order and avoid contact and act like she no longer is the focus and priority of your life.

 

Take care,

 

David

[herewegoagain]

thanks david, but I've already told her a couple of weeks ago that i miss her, love her, etc. I probably shouldn't have told her all that, but i did.

[LynnTex]

The guy's a Poacher. I don;t know why they feel compelled to go after someone who's already taken, but they do. Ego, I guess.

 

They'll often start out by just being a "good friend." They listen to the gf/bf's complaints about the relationship, and encourage them at some point to leave by supplying some emotional support and advice about how the person needs someone who would "treat them right."

 

The bf/gf, not being involved in an actual day to day realtionship (which will always have some degree of problems), often begins to idealize the Poacher - putting them on a pedestal because that person is not in a relationship with them in which problems arise.

 

I'm no psychiatrist, but I've read articles that poachers are often low achievers, and that's one of the reasons they feel compelled to go after to someone who's taken. More often than not, once they actually enter into a relationship with the bf/gf, it doesn't last too long if you let it run its course.

 

You've got to let the ex get past the hooneymoon/infatuation phase of the new relationship - then they'll often realize that the new relationship has its problems, too. And maybe they'll regret it afterwards by realizing that they threw something away for something that really wasn't any better.

 

In the meantime, don't do anything that will push the ex away. Don't discuss your realtionship at all. Be slightly aloof, be friendly and supportive. Don;t bring up the new bf/gf at all unless the ex brings it up first.

 

It's the exact opposite of what you want to do, but by being friendly and supportive, you lower the defenses of the ex.

[herewegoagain]

Lyntexx - you are right - He is a low achiever - her new boyfriend lives with two other guys, one I know personally who doesn't even have a real job at age 25. They are still kind of living like college people, even though they don't go to college.

 

And not to sound too strange, but I saw her new b/f out with her the other night, and he is a very goofy looking person. All my friends were saying - "What the heck is she doing with him?"

 

Well I know why she is with him - because my ex's sister dates his roomate, and that's how my ex started to get tight with this guy.

[whattheheck]

Who knows, maybe it was just a convenient thing for her to do, being that her sister already knew him, etc. I guess that could be good and bad because it IS a convenient thing where two sisters can go out together with ther dates. But who knows, it may last because the two sisters may like the arrangement. I've seen similar stuff happen before.

[herewegoagain]

Yeah, we'll see. I'll just have to wait and see how things work out. That's the hardest part - just waiting.