Can't stop the visions of "other girls" in my head

[Ellee1]

Hi guys...Well, my story is very long & of course complex. My BF & I have been together for 3 yrs. and he has NEVER been with anyone else. The biggest problem is that he is 19 (soon to be 20) & I am 29. I knew that someday this might get in the way. He feels that he wants to experience what else is out there. In the past, he has said he doesn't want to risk losing me. The story might sound kind of crazy to an outside person, because u might tell me to just move on if he wants to see other people, but I luv him SO much, & feel like we r supposed 2 B together. He is special. He is different than anyone I've ever been with. He's a keeper. He treats me SO well. It's just that I wish he had a past!

 

So originally, he wanted to just see what was out there, prove to himself he wanted to be with me overall, and then come back. Well, he wrote me an e-mail 5 days ago that kinda said a different story. Since then, he has now said that he doesn't know what the future will hold because he was thinking, & it would not be "fair" to the other person to start something up, going in with the mindset that he is just going to leave her for me someday. So, the plan was to give it 8-10 months since he has NEVER been with anyone & is very shy. It is going to take him a really long time to meet someone. He is really cute, and a lot of girls come on to him , but he doesn't really know how to act. So this is going to take a while. But I'm sure he'll learn real quick! Anyway, I feel like a complete fool, like he is beginning to withdraw from me, & like it's getting easier for him. We finally left it, that he would just contact me if & when he was "ready".

 

Another part of the problem is that I am overweight. He is not. He is very athletic & that is one thing that has been an issue in our relationship. I've fluctuated up & down (like I have my whole life), trying to lose weight for mine & our happiness, but it is really hard since I eat to cover up my emotions (I think). Anyway, the main point of my post, is that I keep envisioning these young 19-20 yr. old girls "being" with him. It makes me sick- because of course my mind travels to the worst places. I think about them kissing, about him sharing things with some "great girl", etc. It is torture. I am trying not to envision these things, but they just come up. It's like I am torturing myself. I keep thinking about him falling in love with some cute girl or whatever- & I feel like I am not even in the picture anymore. Oh..I didn't mention yet that he is away at school, making this even harder. He has NEVER cheated on me (I know him inside & out). But he is away at college, where there are girls galore. I just feel like he might not ever come back.

 

I love him so much and I know I just need to let him go. He still says he might want us to be together ultimately, & would never be afraid to call me/contact me down the line. But I am 29 yrs. old & have been in 4 long-term relationships, & I know how these things work. People never talk again. But I never thought this would happen with him. Not him.

 

Thanks guys for reading, I know it was a storybook. Any words of wisdom would make my day(s) easier.[/b]

[whitelilly]

I am in my first relationship with my boyfriend so perhaps I can put in some insight to what I am feeling about not seeing "other" people.

 

I have no desire to leave my boyfriend to experiment with other guys. I am very happy within our relationship - BUT - when it comes to the extreme long term, I did wonder what it would be like.

 

I thought, about if we were to be together until we were both older and got married (I mean thought... I am too young for marriage) if I could do it knowing he was the only person I was ever with. It confused me, because it brought me to where I am now.... how do I know I love him, if I have never loved before?

 

Well, it wasn't until now that I have done some extremely stupid self destructive behaviour that could potentially put hiccups into our relationship, that I realised how much I do love him. This has cleared up my confusion. The thought of losing him saddens me so much, and I know that I do love him. I now do not even care about the thought I have never experienced any one else, it almost makes our relationship even more special.

 

If he really does want to be with you, he will realise as soon as he is away from you, and other girls should not appeal to him (for a relationship. i think it's still important to acknowledge other peoples appeal, but not any thoughts of relationships outside your own.)

 

It's natural for you to think about other girls being with him, because you care about him a lot, and this is the problem you are faced with.

 

I hope things work out for you. If they don't, it's going to be hard to get over him by the sounds of it, but remember it's not going to be impossible. Time is the answer.

 

Goodluck.

[DealingWithIt]

I really feel for you. My advice is for you to move on. People change when they're away in college. Things will be great in the beginning..promises of spending time with you, etc. then one day

he'll make up excuses not to see you.

 

I've been in your shoes before. To make a long story short,

I trusted this guy, said that he wouldn't cheat on me....

but guess what? He was seeing some other girl and he kept it

from me...I didn't find out until they were together for more than

two years.

 

Give the guy his freedom and focus on yourself! Lose that

weight and you will feel stronger enough to be on your own

and not be dependent on this guy.

[magpie]

hey...i totally know what you are experiencing. the same situation (sort of) i have found myself in recently. my (ex)boyfriend says hes "not ready for commitment." and wants something "less serious" with me and with others. the thought of him with another woman makes me ill. i hope and pray that he will realize today he is gay so i dont have to ask "why her?" we have an awesome connection. he is my best friend right now. and i love him dearly, think that he is amazing. but, i realilzed last night something that maybe you should realize, too. I AM AN AWESOME WOMAN! and if he is not ready to see that, its his loss. im not going anywhere (aside from a move of 2,000 miles), if he decides to "come back" we can figure it out from there. but, im not going to wait for him. pine away for him. he is the one who is losing possibly the most awesome woman he will ever be with, and he is the one who should be crying, not me. time is the only answer. it will allow for healing, awareness, realization, amd maybe even that due appreciation.

[Ellee1]

Hey guys... thank u so much for the support. The thing is, is that he's been away at school already for 2 yrs. out of our relationship. He comes (used to) come home every weekend. It's about an hour 1/2 away. Now, I supposed he will stay there on the weekends. He is going into his Jr. year. So I guess my point is that we've gone this long w/him being away.

 

I am actually handling the whole thing a lot better than I thought I would, but it is just SO painful. I love him and care for him SO much and I just wish he felt like I was all he needed. But he hasn't experienced anything else, and I guess that's what he has to do. But of course I am envisioning this great relationship that he will have with some dumb girl! and then I'm history. People change and move on.

 

Well, thanks guys. Take care. We all need to stay strong!

[loner82]

Just give it time....people change and if you really love him let him find his happiness...i know it's hard to let go but in time you will realize why this happened and I know it is so sickening to imagine him with someone else but you will have to accept it and now there is no turning back in his decision...if his quest turns out to be miserable maybe he will realize what he had in you.....but only time can tell.....It has been a long 7 months but I find myself growing stronger and accepting that my ex has found happiness with someone else.....I know what your going through let's give each other strength by posting once in while and fuming out our feelings.....

loner82